Beginning to look at my FOO

[Tattered Heart]

 I usually post on the improving relationship board but over the last couple days I have determined that I need to heal from my childhood.

I don’t necessarily know if my parents had personality disorders but some of the traits were definitely there. I am just beginning to explore this area of my life and I’m not sure where  it’s going to lead. If they did have some sort of disorder it was very mild or at least well concealed.

Looking at my dad, he definitely had issues with rejection. He was really funny and the center of attention all the time. He would go through spells where he was almost manic, where he would walk around and just make noises and being allowed in order to have us pay attention to him. He was highly agitated during those times.

He used to drink quite a bit until I was about five. I remember sitting at the top of the staircase and listening to my parents argue about his drinking and it scared me. The next morning I would wake up and dad was sleeping on the couch. Probably some time around five or six years old he just stopped drinking.

 I remember being scared of my dad, not because he was abusive or even emotionally abusive. I just remember him being angry and grouchy all the time.  I remember him being especially since Dave to my moms bossiness.  As kids just learn to stay out of his way, stay in our rooms, go outside and play when he was being grouchy.

 After my dad died my mom told is that my dad never felt like we loved him.  He struggle with feelings of self worth.  Apparently my dad was suicidal. I didn’t know this my whole life growing up.  My mom recounted the story of my dad locking himself in a bathroom with a gun and  threats of suicide. I never heard him talk about it. This was kept quiet and I don’t know if this was something common in his life or not.

When I became a young adult my dad committed to being kinder and gentler. And he actually follow through on that. It was from this moment on that I actually begin to form a relationship with him. I grew to love my dad so much. He was so affectionate. He was so proud of his girls.  He accepted our adulthood. He would help us make good decisions.  I wonder if my dad was more borderline then what I realized.

 My mom was a good mom. She was a stay-at-home mom until I was in seventh grade. She played games with us. She let us do quite a bit on our own. I don’t remember her being very affectionate at all.  I honestly can’t remember a time where she hugged me. I’m sure she did I just don’t remember it as very often.

I think she felt embarrassed or  ashamed at times because I was overweight child. was felt like I had to live up to the expectation with her that I just wasn’t able to meet. She didn’t like the way dressed.  Today I have this obsession with always having to look presentable and put together in public. If I don’t look well I feel like people don’t respect me or are judging me.

When I was a teenager and I was very troublesome, I later found out that it was actually my mom who wanted me gone. She was the one pushing to put me into a girls  home and my dad who wanted to keep me home. Ultimately they didn’t do this. But at the time I ffelt like they wanted to send me away, not for my own good but because I was bringing embarrassment to the family.  I felt quite rejected from her.

 When I was 11 years old I told my mom that I had feelings of harming myself. I remember standing in the bathroom with my bathrobe belts wondering how to make a noose out of it and I realized that  I was in a very bad place. I told my mom about it and her response was “only crazy people say things like that!”  and she shut the conversation down. I never shared anything more with her again.  I think that’s what led to some of my wild behavior. I had all this pent-up emotion and anger inside of me but I was too scared to share it with her because I thought she would reject me for. So I rebelled.

Even now I talk to my mom every couple of weeks on the phone and on holidays. We go to lunch every now and again. But she’s like that with all my sisters. She just doesn’t seem to have time for us.  When I do talk to her on the phone every couple of weeks sometimes I realize it’s almost like talking to my husband. She really isnt interested in me. She want to talk about her self.

My mom was never out right cruel to me. She’s very saintly. Very meek very mild.  To call names or raise her voice would be below her.  That would mean that she had given control over to someone else. And I am so like her in that sense. She must maintain the facade at all times.

 I am bound and determined this year to overcome the negative belief that I am not good enough. And today I’m starting that quest. I bought a book that talks about narcissistic mothers and I may look a little bit at borderline dads.   I’ve read two paragraphs of this new book already and I felt guilty just reading it because we aren’t supposed to look at our mothers that way. Mothers are like this glorified person in a child’s life and to look at a mother’s flaws feels almost sacrilegious.

 So that’s my story. I don’t have a lot of drama with my mom so I don’t know if I’ll post here frequently but I hope to work through some of these issues.

[Turkish]

How did you feel about your mom telling you about your dad's SI struggles? How do you feel now about it?

[Kwamina]

Hi Tattered Heart and welcome to Coping & Healing

I usually post on the improving relationship board but over the last couple days I have determined that I need to heal from my childhood.

What are the main things you feel you need to heal from? Are there any issues you are particularly struggling with?

After my dad died my mom told is that my dad never felt like we loved him.  He struggle with feelings of self worth.  Apparently my dad was suicidal. I didn’t know this my whole life growing up.  My mom recounted the story of my dad locking himself in a bathroom with a gun and  threats of suicide. I never heard him talk about it. This was kept quiet and I don’t know if this was something common in his life or not.

I can imagine this being quite shocking to hear about your dad. When exactly after your dad died did your mother share this with you? I have the same questions as Wolfish, how did hearing this about your dad make you feel?

I wonder if my dad was more borderline then what I realized.

Do you wonder this because of his past moodiness and suicidal ideation? Or perhaps also because of other things?

When I was 11 years old I told my mom that I had feelings of harming myself. I remember standing in the bathroom with my bathrobe belts wondering how to make a noose out of it and I realized that  I was in a very bad place. I told my mom about it and her response was “only crazy people say things like that!”  and she shut the conversation down. I never shared anything more with her again.  I think that’s what led to some of my wild behavior. I had all this pent-up emotion and anger inside of me but I was too scared to share it with her because I thought she would reject me for. So I rebelled.

I am very sorry you were dealing with such difficult emotions as a child. Your mother's reaction unfortunately was very invalidating.

Looking back at this period, why do you think you had these feelings? The way your mother treated you was not very loving or accepting, do you think that might have contributed to you wanting to self-harm back then?

When I do talk to her on the phone every couple of weeks sometimes I realize it’s almost like talking to my husband. She really isnt interested in me. She want to talk about her self.

I can very much relate to this. Many phone conversations with my mother have left me feeling the same way. In many ways she cannot and/or is unwilling to see me as an actual separate human being with feelings and thoughts of my own. She sees me more as an extension of herself she can use to vent to about her own life and use to manage her own difficult emotions.

I am bound and determined this year to overcome the negative belief that I am not good enough. And today I’m starting that quest. I bought a book that talks about narcissistic mothers and I may look a little bit at borderline dads.   I’ve read two paragraphs of this new book already and I felt guilty just reading it because we aren’t supposed to look at our mothers that way. Mothers are like this glorified person in a child’s life and to look at a mother’s flaws feels almost sacrilegious.

Well if it is sacrilegious, I would say you are doing it very gracefully  This image in our society of mothers as 'glorified persons', can really make it difficult to have any meaningful discussions about these topics which then only allows the dysfunction and hurt to continue. It keeps everyone in denial and we cannot change something if we keep denying its existence rather than acknowledging it. Shining a light on your mother's behavior might indeed be very uncomfortable, painful even, yet it is necessary to make a next step in your healing. I am glad you are reading up on this matter and that you've found your way to our Coping & Healing community. Take care

The Board Parrot

[Woolspinner2000]

Okay, time for the other C&H animal to join in the party.    We're the C&H Musicians, did you know?  (like the Breman Town Musicians)

Welcome Tattered Heart!   

I am so glad you have come over to join us. As The Board Parrot said, this may just be the right place to explore how your childhood affected you, even if it's painful.

For myself, it was incredibly scary to crack open the door of my childhood. I had some memories, those that replayed in my head over and over. Then there was the trouble with all that I didn't remember, the empty spaces which seemed much too large. I didn't know how much, if any, of my childhood had influenced who I was. It's okay to take a peak and begin to look.

One of the very first books I read about BPD was this one:

Surviving a Borderline Parent

I like this book a lot because it helped me begin to explore how I may have been affected by the silent unknown voices of BPD in my life from my uBPDm. At first read, I figure about 70% of the book applied to me. On a second read through, I was a bit farther in T and realized there may be more affects than I realized. It's a journey of discovery and recovery. Take it at your own pace. We're here to walk right alongside of you. 

So much of what you shared reminds me of my own story, TH.

 
Wools

[Tattered Heart]

How did you feel about your mom telling you about your dad's SI struggles? How do you feel now about it?

At first I was very confused. I had no inkling that this was even an issue. And I'm still confused about it. I just didn't see intense depression in my dad. I saw minor depression, but never enough that would lead me to think he had SI. I

It makes me sad for him now. After he died my mom told us that he felt like us kids never loved him. That broke my heart because he was so loved by us. I wish she hadn't told me that but it does give me some perspective on his inner conflict.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Tattered Heart and welcome to Coping & Healing

What are the main things you feel you need to heal from? Are there any issues you are particularly struggling with?

I think the main thing I'm trying to work through are my feelings of not being good enough, mostly when I am criticized by people in authority or who have a significant role in my life. It destroys me and leaves me so sad and despondent.

I can imagine this being quite shocking to hear about your dad. When exactly after your dad died did your mother share this with you? I have the same questions as Wolfish, how did hearing this about your dad make you feel?

I dont' remember exactly how long after he died that my mom told us. It may have been either 3 or 4 months after or the 5 or 6 months after. For the first year after he died we were all really open and honest about our experiences with dad. It was during a time when we were all processing together.

Do you wonder this because of his past moodiness and suicidal ideation? Or perhaps also because of other things?

Yes. His moodiness, anger outbursts, feelings of rejection, knowing about SI now. I didn't see a whole lot of other symptoms. He may have had more traits than actual diagnosable PD.

Looking back at this period, why do you think you had these feelings? The way your mother treated you was not very loving or accepting, do you think that might have contributed to you wanting to self-harm back then?

I'm not sure I ever made the connection. I'm sure it did. I know I always felt very unloved by my mom. I found a book about naricissitic mothers and their affect on daughters and I see that she was an "ignoring mother". Our physical needs were cared for but not our emotional ones. It's been so long since I felt self-loathing like that so it's very hard for me to remember what or why I felt such self-hatred.

I can very much relate to this. Many phone conversations with my mother have left me feeling the same way. In many ways she cannot and/or is unwilling to see me as an actual separate human being with feelings and thoughts of my own. She sees me more as an extension of herself she can use to vent to about her own life and use to manage her own difficult emotions.

It's weird. As a child I can see how my accomplishments, grades, public appearance, etc. were an extension of herself, but she has done relatively well in letting us girls live as separate adults. I think she just doesn't think about asking about how we are doing. I realized that I can do this too at times. I'll run into someone and just go on about myself and then after leaving I think "Oh no! I only talked about me and didn't ask about them."

Well if it is sacrilegious, I would say you are doing it very gracefully  This image in our society of mothers as 'glorified persons', can really make it difficult to have any meaningful discussions about these topics which then only allows the dysfunction and hurt to continue. It keeps everyone in denial and we cannot change something if we keep denying its existence rather than acknowledging it. Shining a light on your mother's behavior might indeed be very uncomfortable, painful even, yet it is necessary to make a next step in your healing. I am glad you are reading up on this matter and that you've found your way to our Coping & Healing community. Take care

Thanks. This is my new year's resolution, if you could even call it that. How about my New Year's Goal. I'm going to finish the book and decide from there which direction to look, decide if I should bring up the topic with my sisters to get some of their insights and experiences, and then try to find the healing that I need.