Welcome locksnkeys,
it is great that you found us and are joining in
.
Dealing with self harm can be very scary and taxing Such situations are difficult and you want to do the right thing but at times the right thing may not be in reach and you still may be making progress. Progress is a long and hard process and while targeted therapy is very helpful true progress still takes time and changes from your side. It is very understandable that you want to share your insights with professionals but ultimately therapy is a path she has to decide to embark on and commit to a direction. Boundaries are critical here to avoid getting into triangulation games and there are reasons therapists are very reluctant to communicate too much with partners.
People with BPD are often misdiagnosed as bipolar (and the other way round happens too but less frequently). There are many reasons but one is that BPD is the illness who's name is not spoken as it carries a stigma with patients. Her doctor may very well suspect BPD but may first need to build a relationship to get anywhere - who knows. It is very difficult for you from the outside to understand what is going on. Her doctor may well have said it *may* be bipolar and her b&w thinking turned it into a solid bipolar diagnosis. With self harm BPD should be an obvious consideration but labels tend to scare.
The path to therapy is rarely straight. It is always a very good sign if the journey is started . Don't worry too much about what the diagnosis is a the moment but encourage your wife to start and continue therapy. At the minimum it would give her another emotional leg to stand on and eases the burden on you . You'll find others here that are in similar situations somewhere along that path.
Welcome here and a better year 2018 for you ,
a0
