Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
May 10, 2021, 07:05:38 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: 1 [2] 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Should I file or wait for her to? (Part 1)  (Read 3271 times)
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced January 2012
Posts: 11759



« Reply #30 on: January 12, 2018, 06:44:26 AM »

I spoke to a few attorneys and they suggested I could just wait a month or so to see if she can be found or contacted. Or I could hire a private investigator to have her served.  

There is no penalty for her for living with another man.  Affairs etc. Nor would I have to pay anything as we were married 11 months.

Is she on your insurance, either health or auto?

In my state, you can file a notice with intent to divorce, or something like that, for people whose spouses are a no-show. I saw people getting their divorce papers without the other spouse present a handful of times while going through my own court ordeal. Maybe there is something like that where you live?

If there is a part of you wanting to wait things out because emotionally it's painful to do otherwise, that's very understandable, too.

Logged

Breathe.
Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #31 on: January 12, 2018, 05:00:26 PM »

Now just got an email saying

"No longer in the state so you can't serve me"

Best response?
Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8448


« Reply #32 on: January 12, 2018, 05:02:00 PM »

"No longer in the state so you can't serve me"

 

Is she answering your email?

There is no response to that.
Logged

 
formflier
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 17922



WWW
« Reply #33 on: January 12, 2018, 05:04:20 PM »

Now just got an email saying

"No longer in the state so you can't serve me"

Best response?

Hmm... I'm going to suggest one but I would wait for others to critique.  There is no rush.

That answer says she is baiting or playing with you.

I would suggest.

"Thanks for letter me know.  I would appreciate it if you would provide me a forwarding address.  I have a stack of mail for you that I need to send somewhere"

I'm assuming the mail thing is true.

Don't address the "argument bait" at all... .be pleasant.

Opinions from the crowd?

FF
Logged

Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8448


« Reply #34 on: January 12, 2018, 05:06:56 PM »

Your state does have Divorce by Publication.
Logged

 
Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #35 on: January 12, 2018, 05:08:30 PM »



Is she answering your email?

There is no response to that.

Yes. My email from two weeks ago I suppose.

Her ex served her out of state before so she knows it is possible. So yes. Some sort of game.
Logged
formflier
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 17922



WWW
« Reply #36 on: January 12, 2018, 05:13:15 PM »


Big picture,

I think you respond to the email in the off chance that you get an address... .although there is very low chance of that.

I certainly would not suggest you are "wrong" to not reply.

There is no substance to respond to.

FF
Logged

Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #37 on: January 12, 2018, 05:17:26 PM »

Big picture,

I think you respond to the email in the off chance that you get an address... .although there is very low chance of that.

I certainly would not suggest you are "wrong" to not reply.

There is no substance to respond to.

FF

She might not even be out of state.  She is probably, in her head, thinking I will miss her if she is out of state. So zero chance of getting an address even if she did move
Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8448


« Reply #38 on: January 12, 2018, 05:31:07 PM »

The reason I wouldn't respond is so that she doesn't block your email.

Get your case on the docket, and email her. That will ease your conscience. THe publication of the divorce in the local newspaper will meet the legal requirements, but she won't see it.
Logged

 
Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #39 on: January 12, 2018, 06:03:15 PM »

Well from what I read divorce by publication is expensive and takes many months. Have to exhaust all ways of finding her.

The thing is with her I know she is just playing a game right now. And is highly unstable.  So she might just email me tomorrow trying to get back together, or saying she is not out of state, or she is out of state. No idea.

So kind of sucks to start this process then she just pops up voiding all of it.

But for now the consensus is just ignore the email and wait for something else from her?

Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8448


« Reply #40 on: January 12, 2018, 06:24:00 PM »

What was she responding to?
Logged

 
Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #41 on: January 12, 2018, 06:31:19 PM »

Two weeks ago I sent

"Hope all is well.  I would like a divorce asap. No hard feelings. How can we do this? Do you have an address I can serve you at"
Logged
formflier
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 17922



WWW
« Reply #42 on: January 12, 2018, 08:13:59 PM »


Yeah... no need to respond to that email.  You've asked for address... .she declined... it's now game playing time.

Unfortunately... .I've had to spend quite a bit of money over the years on private investigators.  To find someone that like shouldn't be too expensive.  In some states PIs are allowed to serve in person.  He finds her... walks up and does service.

Money well spent.

Certainly you need to get a firm number on how much service by publication costs... .for comparison.  I have no idea.

FF
Logged

Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #43 on: January 16, 2018, 09:25:22 AM »

I haven't replied to anything from her in 10 days.

Last correspondence was her just saying I can't serve her because she isn't in my state anymore. That was 4 days ago.

Any ideas what may be going through her head? And should I still not send anything?

Part of me just wants to send something like "ok next time you are in the state let's just sign and hand the papers in". As that is what I truly want.
Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8448


« Reply #44 on: January 16, 2018, 09:54:10 AM »

Part of me just wants to send something like "ok next time you are in the state let's just sign and hand the papers in". As that is what I truly want.

You already sent that note and she rejected it. "She doesn't want to do you a favor".

Besides, it's very passive aggressive and shows a lot of emotion. It's feels like a test. "Are we really over?"  She'll see that.

It sounds like your not ready yet.
Logged

 
Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #45 on: January 16, 2018, 12:07:41 PM »

You already sent that note and she rejected it. "She doesn't want to do you a favor".

Besides, it's very passive aggressive and shows a lot of emotion. It's feels like a test. "Are we really over?"  She'll see that.

It sounds like your not ready yet.

True.  Sounded good in my head, but actually writing that out made me see that it seems rather weak.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 16201


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #46 on: January 16, 2018, 12:52:22 PM »

But for now the consensus is just ignore the email and wait for something else from her?

Not necessarily.  The ball is in your court.  Your choice, your decision.  You can respond to her email, or not.  You can go ahead and file for divorce, or not.  You have time to ponder, or wait.  However, inaction is also a choice and for most of us inaction was not a good choice, not for long, it handed too much control over to the other person.

Your overall expectation is that you'll divorce, right?  So look at it this way, which is more advantageous, filing soon or waiting for her to do something else?  How would that impact the end game?  Maybe playing her game at her pace might work.  But most here have found that lost us of some of the control of the relationship and the divorce unwinding process.  Playing her game may not make things go faster.
Logged

Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #47 on: January 18, 2018, 12:33:17 PM »

Now she called to leave a mean message... .

"I am calling to see what you want to do about the divorce.  My boyfriend is getting really antsy and wants this over.  You will be unblocked so call me back"
Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8448


« Reply #48 on: January 18, 2018, 12:56:41 PM »

My suggestion is to draft a short email and a short settlement agreement letter and post it here (put blanks for the specifics) and get feed back on the tone and shoot it over to her to edit.
Logged

 
Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #49 on: January 18, 2018, 03:59:02 PM »

My suggestion is to draft a short email and a short settlement agreement letter and post it here (put blanks for the specifics) and get feed back on the tone and shoot it over to her to edit.

There isn't anything to settle.  All we need to do is sign the papers.

I do wonder why she is being up this guy in the phone message. I guess trying to push my buttons
Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8448


« Reply #50 on: January 18, 2018, 04:09:20 PM »

Don't sabotage yourself with emotion.

It's hard, because that is what is really going on. And understandable.

She mentioned the boyfriend to either cover for why she wasn't agreeable in the last email or to let you know she is done and not try to connect or both.

Reconsider my suggestion. I think it will move this forward.

And yes, it does not address the equity or emotion that is in your heart. My suggestions are business and about not triggering her so you can get this done.
Logged

 
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #51 on: January 18, 2018, 05:22:56 PM »

Shes shoving the guy in your face to try and make you bite/ upset you/ show you your missing out etc etc. Or maybe shes so much in the honeymoon phase that she didn't even think that she was rubbing the fact she has a boyfriend in your face. My ex wife did this. She would go on and on about her boyfriend. It was like a school kid being all excited and wanting to tell everyone.

As others have said its time to put emotion to one side and treat it as a business transaction. Be the grey man. Don't rise to anything she might say. keep communication to a minimum and always do it by email or text. you cant prove or disprove anything said on the phone and also keeping it in writing gives you time to compose it without letting emotions get in the way.
Logged

Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #52 on: January 18, 2018, 08:26:12 PM »

I didn't reply at all.

The she texted tonight

"You have been evasive "

"I am having you served"

"Want a divorce from you"

I am the "evasive" one, yet she blocked more for a month and left me for another guy?

I'm not even sure if the other guy is still there. Just how she is.

Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 16201


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #53 on: January 19, 2018, 12:19:06 PM »

Distract, divert, delay?  Which?  All?  Keep any communication on track.
Logged

livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced January 2012
Posts: 11759



« Reply #54 on: January 19, 2018, 12:28:13 PM »

What do you think about Skip's suggestion to draft a short email and settlement agreement and have friends here take a look?

You don't have to do anything with it right away. It might also help disengage from the sideshow  
Logged

Breathe.
flourdust
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: In the process of divorce after 12 year marriage
Posts: 1663



« Reply #55 on: January 19, 2018, 01:09:32 PM »

Excerpt
"I am having you served"

If she does, that starts the divorce process. If she doesn't, it's just another empty threat.
Logged

Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #56 on: January 19, 2018, 01:23:02 PM »

If she does, that starts the divorce process. If she doesn't, it's just another empty threat.

What is the disadvantage to just letting her serve me?

Emotionally I am doing well and don't really want to contact her at all... with her calling and texting all of a sudden I think it is obvious she just wants to engage for whatever reason. She could have just written an email if she wanted it less personal
Logged
flourdust
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: In the process of divorce after 12 year marriage
Posts: 1663



« Reply #57 on: January 19, 2018, 01:25:09 PM »

What is the disadvantage to just letting her serve me?

The only disadvantage is that she can be perceived as the aggrieved party, which may make her more sympathetic in the eyes of the court and evaluators. However, this is probably not a very large disadvantage and may not even be real. In every divorce, there's a petitioner and respondent, and advantages don't always flow to the petitioner.
Logged

Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #58 on: January 19, 2018, 01:27:53 PM »

The only disadvantage is that she can be perceived as the aggrieved party, which may make her more sympathetic in the eyes of the court and evaluators. However, this is probably not a very large disadvantage and may not even be real. In every divorce, there's a petitioner and respondent, and advantages don't always flow to the petitioner.

I suppose.  Andnin some cases if I would file first it would look like I abandoned her. Or kicking her out.

Only a ten month marriage with nothing commingled. So I don't see it mattering that much. This won't go to a trial or mediation. It's just signing forms.
Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8448


« Reply #59 on: January 19, 2018, 02:01:30 PM »

And in some cases if I would file first it would look like I abandoned her. Or kicking her out.

There is no reality in this, Husband321. She secretly packed up, moved out, and cut communications. Right? You didn't kick her out? Correct?

A week ago you were upset that she wouldn't provide you an address so that you could serve her. This week you are upset that she is asking you to get on with the divorce and you don't want to communicate with her.

OK. These breakups are hard.

One thing we want to do is help you stay centered and in reality - its easy, we're not emotionally invested. It's fair to say that your initial email was really to get a reaction from her. Fair?  You are not ready yet.

Her reaction is also laced with inconsistencies. First she said "good luck finding me" after waiting two weeks to respond - now she has reversed course and is extremely impatient.

My guess is that this is some of the "not so nice" communication that has become normal in your relationship.

So what was the fight about when she left?

What do you really want to say to her?

Logged

 
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 [2] 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!