Gaslighting

[Anne wilder]

I've been married for 20 years and after some major conflict that happened 3 years ago, i now finally realize that my spouse has BPD traits.  His mainstay technique is gaslighting, which i just learned about and it describes him perfectly. He is not violent but is craftily able to stay just below the radar making his tactics subtle and very effective.  I wonder what happened to the beautiful, trusting, optomistic girl i once knew who lived inside of me and i wonder if i'll ever be her again.  Finally, with this newfound awareness, i just might be able to depersonalize this mess and begin to live a more normal life.  I have a few questions, if people don't mind helping me out. So, my husband gaslights on me. I am now usually able to catch it, call him on it, and free myself from his reality. As it is a control thing, however, i notice that when he loses the ability to control me, he will gaslight one of our boys. They are both teenagers and good kids. So, in some ways i feel it may be better to let the attempted gaslighting happen towards me, not letting it shake my reality, but letting him think "he got me", just to keep it away from the kids. Could i have some thoughts on this?  Secondly, if there are people who have a BPD spouse and have found ways to live happily and successfully together, i'd love to hear from you.

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[Motorcycle Man]

Ann Wilder.  So sorry to hear about the situation.  Mine is somewhat similar.  My BPD wife has very low self esteem so she projects her insecurities and fears by questioning my sincerity and transparency and for the first 25+ years of the marriage, I could never figure out why she was treating me so poorly.  After countless therapists and reading a book called Stop Caretaking the Borderline Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad, I was able to figure out why which has offered a little relief from the pain but not nearly enough.  A couple of months ago,I was visiting some of my buddies, which I rarely do, and when I returned home, she accused me of infidelity and I told her that I would no longer accept this type of behavior from her.  She's been OK since then but every moment we are together, I fear her and wait for the next outburst.  I'm living the Stockholm syndrome.  Sorry to carry on.  As for your situation, if you aren't emotionally healthy, then the kids won't have a strong defense so taking the heat for them may be a bad strategy.  It also sends a negative message to your sons if they see how their Dad treats their Mom this way and they may unconsciously repeat this tragic situation when they are in a relationship.  Would he be willing to go to therapy with you?  If not, then you may want to contact an attorney to explore your options.  I haven't had the guts to stand up to my wife and it's consumed what should have been the best years of our lives. She's a great person and I love her dearly however this mental illness has destroyed our relationship.  I wish you the best.  MM

[an0ught]

Welcome Anne,

i just might be able to depersonalize this mess and begin to live a more normal life.

It is important to avoid to take all personally as most is only done to manipulate our emotions for the sake of maintaining their own emotional balance. It still sucks  and over time damages.

So, my husband gaslights on me. I am now usually able to catch it, call him on it, and free myself from his reality. As it is a control thing, however, i notice that when he loses the ability to control me, he will gaslight one of our boys. They are both teenagers and good kids. So, in some ways i feel it may be better to let the attempted gaslighting happen towards me, not letting it shake my reality, but letting him think "he got me", just to keep it away from the kids. Could i have some thoughts on this? 

In the first case he focuses on the kids and in the second case you teach to the kids that it is ok to be done to you. Neither sounds particularly healthy. It is good that you are able to recognize sometimes when "it" happens.

We had once some article on gas lighting but if memory serves right it was depreciated as different people associated different things with the term. Often the best is to avoid labels and stick to the timeline and steps as they unfold. Anne, can you please describe this "gaslighting" dynamic a bit more?

,
a0

[pearlsw]

Hi Anne,



I want to echo anOught and ask that you please share some examples with us when you get the chance. It would offer us all a way to gain some understanding and strategize around such issues. 

In my case, my husband lies to try to control me at times. He said recently, for example, he had cameras on me to watch me while he was away, but... .let's just say I've discovered this was a bluff on this part, a method of control... .that has ultimately failed and crumbled down around him. So, I get that our relationship partners are sometimes doing some pretty extreme stuff... .and we need to find ways to deal with it.

How much would you say "control" is an issue in your relationship?

wishing you peace and happiness, pearlsw.