Do they test you to see if you will reject them?

[Cole]

Haven't been here in a while. To busy trying to figure out if I want to stay in my marriage or not.

Long story short dBPDw left  the kids and me in September and was having an affair. She has ended the affair and we are trying to decide if we should try to fix our marriage.

My therapist told me, "She aint gonna change. you need to divorce her." But I think we can both make some changes to salvage our relationship.  

So, we have been seeing each other for the past few weeks. Ranges from her coming over to play a board game with the kids and me to a romantic weekend get away.

The past few days she has been very happy to see me and to come to the house. Last night she was very upset when she had to leave and said, "I hate this." Twenty minutes later she was texting that she thinks I am going to just leave her for another woman anyway and that I don't really want her back.

I know this is a fear of abandonment showing through. Is it possible she says these things in an effort to test me? to see if I really do plan to abandon her? Has anyone else seen this behavior in their spouse with BPD?

And have you ever had a therapist say, "She aint gonna change. Divorce her."?   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

I personally think it would be unethical for a T to tell you to get a divorce. It is not their job to tell you how to proceed in your relationship but instead to help you make those decisions for yourself.

I'm glad you guys are finding time to spend together in a way that is enjoyable. It's hard to determine whether she is testing you or not. Either way, she is struggling with abandonment and that fear is what she wants to have validated. When she says these things how do you respond?

[TurbanCowboy]

Haven't been here in a while. To busy trying to figure out if I want to stay in my marriage or not.

Long story short dBPDw left  the kids and me in September and was having an affair. She has ended the affair and we are trying to decide if we should try to fix our marriage.

My therapist told me, "She aint gonna change. you need to divorce her." But I think we can both make some changes to salvage our relationship.  

So, we have been seeing each other for the past few weeks. Ranges from her coming over to play a board game with the kids and me to a romantic weekend get away.

The past few days she has been very happy to see me and to come to the house. Last night she was very upset when she had to leave and said, "I hate this." Twenty minutes later she was texting that she thinks I am going to just leave her for another woman anyway and that I don't really want her back.

I know this is a fear of abandonment showing through. Is it possible she says these things in an effort to test me? to see if I really do plan to abandon her? Has anyone else seen this behavior in their spouse with BPD?

And have you ever had a therapist say, "She aint gonna change. Divorce her."?   

After a 10 year relationship that includes a 6 year marriage and 1 son, my wife and I started a separation process in August that only finally saw me move out a month ago.

I knew there had to be another man back in the summer and I finally caught her getting out of his truck in October. I finally retained an attorney after 2 months of her saying it was 100% over and that she never wanted me to touch her again. 

As soon as I retained an attorney we had a good week followed by 10 days where  we were sleeping in the same bed again, showering together, scheduling a vacation to discuss the marriage, etc. She started wearing her ring again.  I got back my retainer.  The fear of abandonment kicked in when I got the attorney.

I can tell you she questioned my intentions, thought maybe I was trying to get through the Holidays.

We went to therapy which was a disaster and everything fell apart again. Now I’m out of the house and the replacement is moving in.  As soon as I announced I was moving out which I think was a surprise to her she put the full court press on my replacement who is also emotionally bankrupt.

I can tell you I would never trust my wife again and would have zero confidence that any long term reconciliation would be possible.

Everything negative thing or negative thing said she carries with her. She never forgets or totally forgives. 

All I can say is that from what I’ve read anywhere, I don’t see any success stories where a BPD cheated, divorce was on the table and there was a Disney like reconciliation and happily ever after.

[Cole]

I personally think it would be unethical for a T to tell you to get a divorce. It is not their job to tell you how to proceed in your relationship but instead to help you make those decisions for yourself.

He even referred me to a divorce attorney who pushed me to file as quickly as possible. I am leary of both of them.

Either way, she is struggling with abandonment and that fear is what she wants to have validated. When she says these things how do you respond?

I was originally responding with an attitude that if you don't want to be with me, fine. I will find someone else.  That really upset her and drove her farther away.

So, I changed my attitude. I told her I was going to try to win her heart back, even at the risk of getting hurt even worse. She has responded by spending as much time as possible with me and even said "I love you" for the first time since the separation. She enjoys the pursuit, which I failed to keep up as a husband. HINT FOR THE GUYS: Under the BPD your wife is still a woman. Pursue her!

She keeps asking why the change of heart. The truth is a wonderful thing called Wellbutrin. It has really helped with my PTSD and depression left from former employment. I got back in touch with my emotions and in doing so am much more attuned to her emotions. I validate her feeling now, rather than discounting them. And, I am happy rather than depressed. pwBPD pick up on and mirror our emotional state, and she felt she was the cause of my depression.

I figure that if I don't change, things will stay the same. (Tip of the hat to waverider)

  
  

[once removed]

Last night she was very upset when she had to leave and said, "I hate this." Twenty minutes later she was texting that she thinks I am going to just leave her for another woman anyway and that I don't really want her back.

I know this is a fear of abandonment showing through. Is it possible she says these things in an effort to test me? to see if I really do plan to abandon her? Has anyone else seen this behavior in their spouse with BPD?

i see it less as a test, and more pushing you for reassurance.

that can be a difficult line to walk. she may always need that reassurance. sometimes you wont be in the mood. sometimes the conversation could go on for hours. sometimes youll say the "right" reassuring thing, and that will be enough. sometimes youll say the "wrong" thing and confirm her fears.

there are a host of constructive ways to deal with it, that you can use as you see fit. if, typically, there is no way to assuage her concerns, you can ask validating questions (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0). you dont want to invalidate or be dismissive... .even something like "honey i love you so much, i dont want anyone else, how could you think that" can be perceived as invalidating and wont ring true. its also kinda taking the bait... .you dont want to validate the invalid (if you entertain the notion that you would leave her for another woman youre setting yourself up to have an argument about something that is presumably baseless, and not really the underlying point anyway) getting annoyed and shutting it down (what i typically did) is understandable, but not a good idea either.

bottom line, shes telling you in that moment that shes feeling insecure, wants reassurance, and primarily, wants to be heard. listen with empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy) and tweak as necessary.

[Tattered Heart]

She keeps asking why the change of heart. The truth is a wonderful thing called Wellbutrin. It has really helped with my PTSD and depression left from former employment. I got back in touch with my emotions and in doing so am much more attuned to her emotions. I validate her feeling now, rather than discounting them. And, I am happy rather than depressed. pwBPD pick up on and mirror our emotional state, and she felt she was the cause of my depression.

I figure that if I don't change, things will stay the same. (Tip of the hat to waverider  
  

Congratulations on getting help for yourself and your emotions. Our pwBPD really do pick up on our own emotional state. It's like a really bad cycle. They feel bad, so they treat us bad, which makes us feel bad, then they feel bad because we feel bad, so they treat us bad.

[FindingMe2011]

Chances are very good, she is telling you the truth thru BPD lenses... .If you understand the illness, you understand the cycle, and typically, the cycles become shorter, as time passes... .This was my experience, during the 12 yrs, I gladly rode the hamster wheel of pain... .also had children with ex... .found out I was a better parent without her, than I ever was with her... .good luck with your journey, i wish you well, peace

[Cole]

The push has continued for three days now. She has been pushing me away and bringing up any little past hurt she can think of. And she has sent several text and told me on the phone she is afraid because she started feeling like things could get better and that scared her. Yet, she is also planning to go out with me on Saturday.

Yesterday she sent a few text that she hates her life as it is and remembers having a family and a marriage. Plenty of regret, but also plenty of fear to return to it.

So, not sure what to do. Going to play it safe by not pushing and not pulling myself and see what happens.