False accusations from BPD wife

[laurel1980]

Hi all, I am new here.

  I met my wife online I think back in 2014.  By 2015 I sold my house and property, and moved multiple states away to be with her.  Right from the beginning I sensed something was a bit strange.  She was exhibiting some very controlling kind of behavior and trying to get me to sell my house sooner than I was ready to.  I absolutely loved my house and property, and the last thing I wanted to do was sell it, but I loved her, and she had a small kid so she could not take her daughter away from her father.

  She would call me on the phone and want to know why it was taking me so long to sell the house, if I wouldn't respond to her text messages within a very short period of time, she would start sending me multiple question marks trying to get a response.  She started telling me that the stuff I like to spend my time doing was not worth while and that I was wasting my life by doing those things.  That offended me, yet I still kept pursuing the relationship.

  I move in with her and her daughter, and start helping to do things around the house, to which I found out very quickly that she had a very particular way that she wanted things done like the counters wiped off, or the towels folded exactly a certain way, and if I didn't do it just right, she had no problems telling me what I did wrong.  So I would get offended by being told I was doing it wrong, then I would withdraw from her and stop being as affectionate, and she would pick up on that, and next thing I know, we are in a huge fight where she is devaluing me left and right and telling me how big of a jerk I am being to her.  Just because I am not being as affectionate. 

  Somehow, BPD seems to cause her to perceive things I DO NOT do as if they are actions I am doing TO HER.  Like not kissing her all day, becomes the same thing as me beating her all day.  It is the weirdest thing!

  So anyway, I don't want to share our entire relationship of issues.  Those of you in a relationship with someone with BPD know exactly what I have been dealing with.   So I want to get specifically to the topic of this post as far as false accusations go.

  We have been to two different marriage cousilors together in an attempt to figure out how to fix our relationship issues.  See because at first, I had never heard of BPD before in my life, and I just thought I was going insane...   Nothing was making sense.  I was starting to question my entire reality, and had given up everything I ever liked to do like work on cars and do home improvement jobs and things, because anytime I would spent event he smallest amount of time doing those things, because they didn't involve spending time with her, she treated it as if I was cheating on her with another girl or something, and we would end up in a fight pretty much every single time I would ever attempt to do ANYTHING.  Well after meeting with our marriage cousilors for a while, both together and individually, BOTH counsilors told me at different times:  "Have you ever heard of borderline personality disorder?  Your wife very much seems to be exhibiting the signs."  So I researched it, and sure enough.  It all started to make sense, while still not making sense as you all can relate I'm sure.   

  So as for false accusations... .She has begun to falsely accuse me of some pretty terrible things.  And I don't know what she feels she is benefiting from it, or if she really thinks that by doing so, she is going to scare me into treating her better again or what?  Instead, she is only driving me away further.

Okay so terrible false accusation one... .  It was the night before our wedding.  Supposed to be the happiest time of our lives, but of course we got into a fight about something the night before.  I don't even remember what it was about, but we were laying in bed together at the time, and she just got progressively madder at me until eventually she said we were going to have to call off the wedding.  Well, it was such a production to put it on, and have my family members fly her from California and things, and I couldn't even understand why we were fighting anyway. 

  I had been accused MANY TIMES of not pursuing her, and trying to fix things and let her know how much I loved her.  So when she said she was calling off the wedding, she told me she was leaving, and she went to get out of bed.  Well, this really scared me bad, and I wanted to show her that I love her, so I grabbed her in a hug and told her please don't do this, I love you.  I did not grab her tight or hard.  It was simply a hug.  She immediately started screaming and saying "You are hurting me!  You are hurting me!  Why are you doing this?"  So I immediately let go, and she stood there rubbing her arms as if they were really hurt when there is no way they could have been. And threatened to call the cops for assaulting her.  And to this day she still brings that incident up when we are fighting and insists I gave her bruises because I grabbed her so hard.  I most definitely did NOT!

  Okay... .so terrible false accusation two... .   We got into a huge fight one day, and for some reason I was sitting in the driver's seat of my pickup truck.  I think I needed to move it, or I had just got home or something.  She is standing there about 15 feet away, by the fence, yelling at me and flinging her usual insults at me, devaluing me in multiple ways.  I was trying to remain calm and talk to her... .At this time I still was not aware of what BPD was.  She eventually looks at me like she wished I would die, and puts up her middle finger and tells me to "F off!"  Well, that hurt me so bad to have the wife I love so much, that I have done so much for, and have made so many good fun memories with do that and say that to me.  So I put the truck in drive, and decided to do just what she just told me to do, to "F off", and I peeled out of the driveway, but I was on snow, so I didn't move very fast, but eventually got traction and left.  Had no idea where I was going to go, but I just needed to get away for a while and cool down.

  After about 5 minutes, my phone rings, and it is her sobbing that "I need you to come back! I'm pretty sure you broke my arm!  When you pulled away, I grabbed the side of your truck, and fell down and I'm pretty sure my arm is broken!  You assaulted me with a vehicle!"  So I felt terrible that she was hurt, but also scared to death of being accused of such a thing, when she was standing as far away from my truck as she was when I took off.  Had I seen her come over and grab my truck, I NEVER would have gone for it.  I only took off because I knew she was standing over there, and I even looked in my mirror to make sure she was clear as I drove off, and I never saw her at all!   I am almost positive that she made that up.  But I have no way to prove it.  It was a situation where I probably should not have peeled off like I did, but... .she was nowhere near my truck, and I watched very carefully and made sure she was clear as I pulled away.  Luckily after many weeks she finally admitted that she never should have tried to grab the side of my truck, and she never reported this incident to anyone.  But she continues to insist that I did too see her, and stepped on it anyway.   AHHHH!

  False accusation number three and four happened just yesterday:  We drove up to Denver for the day just to go to our favorite restaurant up there, and I needed to have some fuel injectors tested.  Well, the night before, my mom had texted me to tell me that my grandpa was in the hospital and might die this week.  So on our way to Denver, my wife was asking me what I planned to do about that.  If I plan to go out there to his funeral or what.  Well, I had only just barely even found out that he was in the hospital, and had no way of knowing if he even was going to die or not, so I just very calmly tried to explain to her, that I just don't know yet if I need to go out there or not.  I can't plan for something that hasn't happened yet.  Well, that was not the right answer apparently.  She started acting quiet and distant and not holding my hand and things.  We get to Denver, and pull up to the restaurant, and are sitting in the car.  I wanted to try to fix whatever I did wrong before we went in, so we could enjoy our lunch together.  I said "I can tell that something is wrong, can we talk about it?"  So we got into another big fight where I am being told that I was the one acting weird toward her since that conversation, and she started slinging her usual insults and put downs at me and telling me how big of a jerk I was being to her, even though I was still sitting there with my hand on her leg talking very calmly and loving, because by this time I am VERY familiar with BPD.

  Well... .after a while of her nonstop insults, she looks at me very sternly and says "You are a mother F*(%er!"  Again... .to have the love of your life look at you and say those words, no matter how much you tell yourself not to take it personal, and that it is her BPD talking, quite often it still gets to me.  So as soon as she said that, and my heart just sank, I had to get some space to cool down, so I opened the car door, got out, tossed my phone back onto the driver's seat since it was on my lap at the time, slammed the car door, and took off walking down the sidewalk in downtown Denver crying my eyes out and asking myself "Why does my wife have to be this way?  I can't handle this!" 

  After I cooled off, I walked back to the car to attempt to talk to her again.  I find her in there sobbing and rubbing her left arm, and she says "You hurt me!  You threw your phone at me really hard and really hurt my arm!  You abused me!  That is assault!  I could call the cops on you for that!"  I know for a fact that I did not throw my phone AT her.  I tossed it back onto the seat as I got out, but I most definitely would NEVER hurt her no matter how intense things get.  I'm just not that person.  But she insisted over and over that I intentionally threw my phone AT her and really hurt her. 

  So she says I ruined her day, she no longer wants to eat lunch with a dangerous creep like me.  "Just take me home."  So I start heading for home.  I started crying thinking about my life and how miserable this is to live with someone like her.  She sees me crying and tells me she doesn't feel safe with me driving when I'm freaking out like that.  I was not freaking out, I was just sitting there very calm, and crying while I was driving, which I will admit is not the safest thing either because it's hard to see through all the tears.  So she told me to pull over and let her drive.  So I did.  I get out of the car with my thin light jacket on, it is only 40 degrees outside, I go around to get in the passenger side, and in the meantime, she climbed into the driver's seat and puts the car in drive and takes off and leaves me stranded there in the cold.  I took off walking toward a store so I could get in someplace warm as I figure out how I am going to get home.  I get about half a mile and she texts me that she is back there and I need to walk back because she's not going to come to where I am.  So I walked all the way back.

  She then gets in the passenger seat, so I hesitantly get into the drivers seat and again head toward home.  We manage not to fight too much on the hour plus drive home.  We get to within about three blocks of our house, and I decided to try again to apologize for my actions, and apologize that she got hurt by my phone, and told her that I wish so bad she could see my inner feelings and the love I have for her and that I'm not this terrible monster she paints me out to be.  She started yelling at me to "Shut up!  Just shut up and leave me alone!"   So I did.  But we were at a stop sign right at that moment, so I shut my mouth, but I put the gas pedal to the floor, out of pure frustration and sadness, and sped away from the stop sign kind of fast.  She immediately starts screaming bloody murder as if I am about to drive us off a cliff or head on into a truck or something even though we never got over about 10 miles per hour.  The instant she started screaming like that, I let off the gas, pulled over to the side of the street, put it in park and got out and walked home and left her there with the car so she could drive the rest of the way home.  After a while, she comes home, and is freaking out telling me that I need to leave because she is scared to death of me since I almost killed her just now in the car.  She insisted that "I almost died!  You were driving us straight toward that big tree and you were trying to kill me!" 

  Anytime her five year old daughter would come anywhere near me, she would tell her come over here!  And her daughter would want to know why, and she would say "I just don't want you over there right now."  Like she was legitimately fearful that I was actually going to do something to her daughter.   And every time I would walk around a corner, she would jump as if I was about to beat her or something.  Now I realize, in the car, she did not know what my intentions were when I sped away from that stop sign.  For all she knew, I finally snapped and really was going to drive us into a tree.  But my only intention was to get out a little aggression and put the gas pedal to the floor, which that little 4 cylinder engine in that car isn't even capable of accelerating all that fast anyway.  And my intention was to get up to normal speed, and then let off the gas and simply drive home.  But when she started screaming bloody murder like that, I immediately let off the gas, and pulled over and stopped and walked home. 

  I realize I probably should not have done that.  That was not the best way to handle my own emotions.  But the fact is, nothing happened.  There was nothing even remotely dangerous about it.  There were no other cars around.  If a cop witnessed me do what I did, he never would have done a thing because it was that insignificant.

  I don't know what to do!

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi laurel1980,

Sorry that things have been so up and down in your relationship. It can be very confusing when you aren't sure why or where things went wrong in an argument. You've found a great place for support and help. pwBPD are constantly filtering the world through a lens of rejection. When she thinks of you going to your grandpa's funeral, she thinks of you leaving and abandoning her so she gets mad and begins to project on you. When you don't respond the way she wants, then that proves to her that you were rejecting her. Trying to convince her that you won't leave her or that you care about her does no good because to the pwBPD feelings=facts and when you tell her that her feelings are wrong, you invalidate her.

It sounds like you start to get pretty worked up emotionally when she does. It's important for you to find a way to stay in Wisemind so that she does not trigger you. What do you do to try to stay calm? Walking away from the argument is a good start, but is there something more you can do?

It sounds like when your W makes an accusation, you begin to do what we calling JADEing. You try to justify, argue, defend, or explain yourself, which just causes things to get worse.  Our workshop on Don't JADE can help you see why using this tactic just doesn't work, as well as our workshop on Don't Be Invalidating .

[pearlsw]

Hi laurel1980,

Reading your post has reminded of fights with my partner from years ago... .different details but that same feeling of how did I get myself into this? I don't know how many times I've been threatened with being left in a foreign country to the foreign one I live in, etc., etc. Things can get very confusing and make us feel pretty hopeless at times.

I would highly, highly recommend learning about how to validate and not invalidate someone. TatteredHeart has given you the link to that and other skills I really hope you take up working on! It's not easy, the other night my husband would not stop, calm down, listen or compromise with me... .until I suddenly deescalated things and he reversed course a bit and at least it didn't get to the worst possible outcome.

You can do a lot on your side of things to help things from getting to this point, or at least try! Do you have any experience with the communication tools here yet?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[laurel1980]

Thank you both so much for the replies!  I very much appreciate advice on how to make things better.  It's easy for those of us in a relationship with someone with BPD to get upset at how unreasonable they can be.  And it sucks that so often I feel like I am being expected to be untrue to myself and be something I'm not by appologizing for things I did not do.  I have a really hard to differentiating between "validation" and admitting to something I did not do.  That is the absolute most frustrating thing to me.  She accuses me of being a liar all the time, yet I constantly feel like she is expecting me to lie, when I gather that what she wants from me is to tell her I'm sorry that I intentionally threw my phone at her to hurt her when I did NOT, or apologize to her for trying to kill her in the car, when I did NOT!   How in the world do you find the dividing line between validating her and admitting to things that I did not actually do?  Obviously from her perspective, she thinks I DID do those things, so I guess what she is wanting really is for me to admit to it and appologize, but that feels so incredibly wrong!  About the equivellent of going to a store and admitting to stealing a cart full of groceries, after I paid for them.  Yes, I did wheel a cart full of groceries out of the store, sure someone might not have seen me pay for them and is assuming that I stole them, but I know I did not.  So is it really right for me to say "Yes, you are right, I stole them, I'm sorry."  I would never do such a thing!  That would be a lie!   So how in the world do I deal with someone who expects me to do that exact thing when I just cannot be so untrue to myself to do that?  What is the key to being validating without saying she is right?  I have had three different therapists explain to me what validation is, and for 3 years now my wife has been telling me that she wants to be validated.  And I try so hard, but it always comes down to me feeling like in her mind, validating means telling her she is right, that I DID do those things she is saying I did.  And I just can't with a good conscience do that.  I actually have tried a few times, just in an attempt to not let a situation turn into a fight.  So I would just appologize for it as if I really did do the thing she is accusing me of, but then it would affect me so bad to be so untrue like that, that I would get quiet and withdrawn from her, and then she would pick up on that, and we would end up in a huge fight about me not being affectionate enough that day.  AHHHHHHHH!   

  It seems like such an impossible situation to be in!  I feel like I cannot win no matter what I do!  I cannot keep her happy!  And it has been getting to me so bad, that even though I love her like crazy and when things are good, we have so much fun together.  But it can all be shot to hell in a matter of minutes over one simple perceived look, word, or action even if those things are not at all what she perceived them to be.

  But yes, I have spent a great deal of time researching this, not only because I want to "figure out what is wrong with her" but mostly because I want to understand the condition so I know the best ways to be there for her, and how to love her without her thinking I am going to abandon her or something.  I am willing to look at my own behaviors and triggers in order to figure out how not to make things worse, and how to de-escalate situations.  It is so sad how easy a great day can crumble to disaster with one little conversation and how I respond to it.

  Even last night, she finally was kind of talking to me like normal again after this most recent huge fight.  But what does she do?  She starts analyzing my earlier years and telling me how shut off to the world I was.  It's hard to explain.  But she will ask me questions about how many friends I had when I was younger or whatever, and when I say I didn't really have any, instead of saying "Oh that's sad" or something, she ALWAYAS makes it out to be a charachter flaw and says that it was because I have so much childhood trauma or whatever that I was closed off to people and connections, and it comes across as way more of a criticism of who I am, and makes me feel down and like a failure or something, so then I stop engaging in the conversation when it turns into that kind of personal criticizing structure.  And then of course she picks up on that, and tells me "Fine, I was just trying to be nice. Other people sit there and listen to what I have to say for hours, but you NEVER listen to me."   How do you handle a situation like that?  What am I supposed to say to her in response to her seemingly criticizing me like that?  Am I really supposed to just stand there and say "Oh yes, you are so incredibly smart to observe that about me!  You are so right!  I am such a loser that did not have many friends!"  The reason I didn't have many friends was because I was a homeschooled Mormon out in the country where there literally was no opportunity to have many.  So why does it have to become a personal thing? 

  Anyway, thanks so much for the links to the resources on this wonderful website!  I want to learn as much as I can so I know the best ways to keep the peace with her keep her feeling loved, supported, safe and validated while maintaining my own sanity.