Need Boundary Ideas

[ClareITY]

Hello
I read that setting boundaries with BPDs often makes things worse and that is what happens with me.  Between his ADD, depression and NPD traits along with BPD, I could set boundaries all day long, but naturally I stick to a few, one being we are informally separated where he agreed last May to spend 50% of his time gone (has single male friends he can stay with). He had already shut down emotionally, romantically, sexually, intimately a year prior to this but I finally felt a last straw and decided this "separation" where only one of us was home at a time to be with kids would atleast defuse the rage/abuse etc. and help our sons ages 9, 10.

"The last straw" was his black-white thinking and likely avoidance of engulfment when we had both taken a vacation day to leave early to my parents' cabin 5 hours away. He announced the night before he made unilateral plans (all his plans are unilateral) to golf in the AM first by himself  while I packed the car solo and kept antsy kids busy and by us waiting for him to get back would make us leave 3 hours later and miss our plans to eat lunch at the cabin, the first time we'd be able to do this cause kids were off school and we both took vacation. We can only make it there due to the distance about twice a year and wanted to maximize our time there and kids were so excited to do so and leave as soon as we woke up to beat traffic, etc.

I found out about his golf plans at 8pm the night before and was shocked cause I thought this one time he would keep his agreement. When I explained my point of view he went into rage mode, called me a controlling ___ in front of kids and said I should go alone cause he couldn't stand to be around me acting like this. So after the past year I finally switched from being his doormat to getting the strength to set up my solo life with the kids so I left the next morning w/o him while he was out golfing just as he yelled at me to do the night before.   After I left he claims this all never happened, that I'm vindictive for leaving without him.

After this my extended family highly encouraged me to separate so we set up a schedule where only one of us be home with the kids. All summer passed and he loved his freedom and single life, skipping 5 VIP family/friends events (including continuing to skip events with my family like graduations, BDs, etc) where my kids where the only ones without a Dad there. But last fall he got sick of his friends couch and stopped -without any discussion- our 50% schedule. When I asked him about it he said we were never separated but I remind him he attended a meeting at a cafe with me in May where he officially said "we are separated - with no goals and no end date."

So fast forward to current January and he prefers his home now still and stopped his fight-or-flight mode of taking off in rage form cause now our kids are older and fully know when he takes off a day(s)/nights AND he now realizes how cozy a home is vs. the single life at his friends at a studio apt on the couch. I stopped making his dinner during this time and he is mortified I would possibly treat my husband "this way"!

He considers me vindictive, has no family members to assist. His mother has BPD traits and neglects him/us/our kids only seeing us (she lives 10 minutes away vs. my family is 3 hours away) only when "required" at holidays cause she is "too busy".

I manage and run the house myself cause he's too depressed to assist in any way (he holds a job as do I) so when I needed money from a savings I created (I earned and saved the money while he nickle-and-dimes his/ours away) for Xmas, pay off a cc (cause he's not willing to set up budget so he uses a cc for his over-spending), a minor home repair project, son's  ADD tutoring, and I didn't think to tell him cause I'm so used to doing things myself, when he found out instead of just inquire he was mortified I took care of things and thinks I am using this cash wrongly doesn't trust I am using it for those things, and in turn took out the same amount and withdrew his recent payroll check so he could create the same amount of personal savings. Mine is used for the family; his is for just himself. He squandered $9K and opened up a secret separate account to combat his perceived threat that my managing the home/$/kids is some type of awful thing.  I cannot reason with him (of course) to return this money or go on a budget. He says I can pay the bills myself without his paycheck.

Would I use ideas from the videos called "S.E.T." Sympathy, Empathy, Truth in this case? If yes how does one have Sympathy for this behavior?

I told him I've got no choice left but to file for divorce to protect me and kids to which he escalates further and says I will fight you to the penny for everything and you'll lose this house! He knows keeping this house and the kids here where our friend support system is, is so critical for kids health which is already comprimised.

He's really upset I stopped making his dinner yet he's not said one thing he would do to end the separation. Since I now know he's got anosognosia issues where he doesn't have a bit of self-awareness, would I help myself by making his dinner and treating him like the child he is?  . . . so I can gain his trust and see if he will get treatment?

My family therapist says I can skip making his dinner until he brings something substantive to the table to work on himself. But I just read how boundaries make him angrier.

He has a brother but he's not willing to help cause of my husband's strong convincing untrue irrational stories about me that I am overly emotional and need meds. My husband thinks this is the #1 answer to our issues.

Any direction/ideas are so appreciated. I have seen two lawyers for consultation so am aware this is a likely next step but is there something I should do or try first? I'm very worried about my children especially adopting his depressive nature in the short-term while long-term effects are TBD. My BPD husband constantly role models his own use of constant video games and TV while he does not much else so my getting my kids to get joyful and enthused about much else is a huge task.

Thanks in advance for ideas!
Claire-Ity

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

I read that setting boundaries with BPDs often makes things worse and that is what happens with me. 

boundaries are a lifestyle, attached to, and a product of our values. they are critical in a relationship with someone with BPD traits, who will test your boundaries, but theyre really critical for any relationship, or for us to have clarity in life.

there is truth to the notion that setting boundaries with someone with BPD often makes things worse. if you get into any relationship, let your boundaries get blurry, and then try to change the dynamic, its tricky, and our partners (any partner really) can be confused, hurt, and take time adjusting.

what you will commonly run into when you try to do this, is what is called an extinction burst (more on extinction bursts here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0) it doesnt mean youre doing the wrong thing. it means either you or or your partner are having difficulty adjusting to the change.

the important thing to know that boundaries are not a solution to daily squabbles or rules we can set on another person. theyre a lifestyle we have to live, and if someone else isnt prepared to respect our boundaries, we have to be prepared to decide how we respond.

[ArleighBurke]

Boundaries are there to protect YOU, and you need to be able to stick to them.

They will make him angrier, because in a way they prevent him from manipulating you, and force him to own his own stuff. 

There are many things you can do in your situation, such as:
- after you planned your trip (and he made different plans to play golf), telling him "We had an agreement to leave at 8am, and that's when I'm leaving with the kids. If you want to play golf and meet us at X later, that's fine, you can get your own way there". Which seems to be what you did. Good!
- if he is spending YOUR money, take away his access to your bank account and CC. You can't FORCE him to spend less, you can't FORCE him to use his money for anything, but your can protect yourself. Give him an allowance if need be.
- setting a boundary for when he is allowed in the house is very difficult. Because the boundary is not about him - it's about you. All you could really do would be to say "if you are in the house when you are not supposed to be, *I* will leave with the kids".

YOU setup the rules for YOUR life, and how YOU will act/behave. He can fit in with those, or not - his choice.

would I help myself by making his dinner and treating him like the child he is?  . . . so I can gain his trust and see if he will get treatment?

I don't think BPDs work like that. You can choose to make his dinner, but only do it if YOU want to, not because of anything you expect from him.

You can't force him in to therapy. It sounds like you've been quite clear with him about a number of things. Perhaps putting in boudaries for yourself will make things easier, but if you don't see a future with him, and want a divorce, then that is what you need to do.

SET is about conversation, trying to understand and listen to him.

Do you talk with your kids about his behaviours? Do they know he has BPD? Do they understand what that means?