Has This Happened to You? - Didn't Realize What Was Up Until She Was Gone

[Jeffree]

I am finding it strange that the seriousness of my STBx's NPD didn't dawn on me until she was gone and I began to piece together everything. Looking back, it was clear as day that something was severely wrong, but while I was embroiled in it I never realized the full extent of what I was up against. It's as though I was frantically keeping so many plates spinning that I didn't have the time nor the inclination to realize the psychology of the mad puppetmaster.

I had read a couple of articles on gaslighting, again after she moved out abruptly, which proved helpful. But it wasn't until a couple of months after she was gone that I was able to actually look back and peel away the layers of her behaviors and begin to extricate myself from this mess.

Next time, hopefully there won't be a next time, I am going to need to use a code word with myself and either end it or start dealing with it.

J

[Mutt]

Good topic. A key take away is being in the thick of it. I like you and many others didn’t realize how bad things really where until we starting talking to others much further down the line with their healing. Validation  has a big part in the healing process I was invalidated. By most of the people that were close to me in real life, some meant well, some suffered from their own mental illness and it’s hard to connect with someone if you haven’t gone through a similar experience.

Im speaking for myself when I say this so it doesn’t reflect on others I had low self esteem, I work on it and I wasn’t diagnosed or treated for depression and anxiety. I’m fighting my own demons while I’m feeling I’m being emotionally attacked from my exuBPDw at the same time. It’s hard to zoom out and take a look at tte whole picture Im focused on my sadness, anxiety, pain.

I could say the same for my exuBPDw with how her empathy is impaired when she’s suffering inside she’s the type that doesn’t self reflect success for her is doing as many things as she possibly can - distractions. She can’t sit with her own thoughts she doesn’t have a lot of awareness or self awareness.

I am in the next r/s there were some bumps in the beginning I was hyper vigilant to a few things mainly the honeymoon  phase, we’re both perfect in each other’s eyes. She’s going through a divorce she’s been separated for a year and a half she really doesn’t like him. I did ask myself if maybe she’s vilifying him and she wants rescue she’s independent. She’s not BPD she can keep herself together, she doesn’t have bouts of rage. We’ve had a disagreement, I wouldn’t call it a fight her I wasn’t hurting her ego she wasn’t on the attack because of an ego wound. I’ve let go of my ego as well going into this r/s, if there’s a problem like that disagreement we talk about it instead of sweeping it under the rug, you become resentful with each later on.

She’s flexible with her thought patterns and mostly importantly for me the love is reciprocated, I make sure that I give as much as I take or more I don’t take her for granted. A romantic r/s to me feels so much different and better than one where you’re soothing each other’s emotional wounds. I didn’t know better at the time :P live and learn.

Awareness grew I can identify simple pathologies, learned better r/s skills all because of this forum. Ive always had empathy, i work on it actively and I take better care of myself so it’s not impaired as much as it used too. With the help of a friend I got diagnosed and started taking better care of myself by taking medication, exercise, better nutrition and I try to stick to my routine with what time I go to bed so that I have enough sleep. I’m sure others can think of other things these are all ingredients that helped me going into my next r/s. I feel lucky to have met my gf, sometimes I still don’t believe that I’m with her, it’s nice when someone cares for you and takes care of you. She does things because she wants to she doesn’t try to manipulate me for something that she wants.

My advice is it’s normal to be hyper vigilant at the onset maybe ask yourself if you need more time behind you before getting into a r/s, take really good care of yourself filter out the ones that have too many bad habits, watch closely don’t jump ship at the first site of trouble give it some time.Let the person into your world and give them a chance if they screw up.

[clytie]

Dear Jeffree,

During my r/s with my ex, I sometimes sensed that there was sth wrong;  but I couldn't realize his manipulations or lies. After the break-up, I have started to see that he tried and still tries to control my feelings, my perception, my relation with others, my money... .wow... .Honestly, I trusted him and couldn't see his control freak attitude. And in August during a telephone conversation he called me "Naive... .".  

[JNChell]

Jeffree, are you truly glad that she is gone? You’ve been a great support to me the last couple of days. To others as well on the posts I’ve read. I miss my abuser. I know the reasons why now. It’s time for therapy for me. I will and can never go back to her. But I want to. I’m shifting between the stages. I’m learning to sit with my feelings a little. I gave myself pauses at work today. Anyway, what’s the code word and what is it for? I may have missed something.

[Jeffree]

JNChell,

I truly am glad she’s gone. It is only when I receive any form of contact from her that my heart sinks.

She is as sexy a woman as I have ever seen, and if I never see her again it’ll be too soon. It’s not as though I have some bionic willpower to just make myself done with her. Quite honestly, she just overplayed her hand with all the venom she spewed at me and the kids and the lack of affection she’s shown me the past few years.

Probably the greatest impetus for me getting to this point was finally realizing EVERYTHING she said was either an out and out lie or a fabrication of the truth and there was nothing I could do to show her otherwise.

And another thing: life’s too short to waste trying to prop her up. I gotta get busy living!

There’s no official code word. It’s a figurative one that I will have to use in future relationships if something BPDish transpires so I know to run like hell. It could the old Scooby-Doo “Rut Roh!”

J

[crushedagain]

I had no idea what I was embroiled in until the relationship was over. Searching for answers online allowed me to fully piece together the dynamics of our relationship. It was a painful realization that it was doomed from the start, that it never stood a chance at lasting a lifetime. My BPDex has all the hallmarks of the disorder.

I will never quite be the same, I'm afraid. I feel like damaged goods. When I think of dating women I am once bitten, twice shy. I dealt with a lot of gaslighting and it's one area where I'm somewhat proud of myself as I didn't go crazy and start questioning my own recollection of events. I trusted my good memory and always looked her straight in the eyes and replied "What are you talking about? Your memory is very fuzzy." But I didn't get angry at the gaslighting, I felt sorry for her, because everything always pertained to her wounded being. She was horribly insecure.

Mine was that waif type, she wasn't overtly cruel or anything, though she did say a few mean things at times. And she never denied me sex. She was always willing, she was a very good lover. She is beautiful, and I feel we are perfectly matched in many ways. That's why it's so heartbreaking. I miss her terribly, still. I've talked about how sometimes I have such anger at her for leaving that it feels like hatred, but I am weak when it comes to her. She did a number on my heart.

[Jeffree]

"What are you talking about?"

Ooof, I remember all those conversations.

Here'd she be, all in a tizzy about something, attacking me or the kids, complaining about her boss, going on and on about something, and I'd have this look of astonishment and say, "I don't get it. What are you talking about?"

Here we were sharing a very close intimate life, and she was in one direction, and I, literally, had no idea what she was talking about.

It could be something like, "My boss is always taking credit for my ideas and trying to make me quit."

I'd be like, "What are you talking about? You're numbers are way up and you're helping him look good. It's in his best interests to help you succeed... ."

Then she'd get mad at me for "taking his side" and not understanding how she's discriminated against because she's a woman in a male dominated industry.

I'd be like, "OK, but what's the point of complaining about it? You don't like it, get a different job."

But, nope, this persisted for around 5 years like this, just one more thing that could derail a perfectly nice day. 

She did finally get a new job, which she since complained about for different reasons: they don't know what they're doing with me, they want me to do all these things and not give me the title or the pay increase, I am on the road all the time, etc.

She's never happy with anything... .spouse, kids, friends, family, work, or whatever. Everything is scrutinized and blamed for riling her up.

And I didn't realize what I was up against until it was over. Yeah, the idea that she was a Narcissist entered my thoughts occasionally, but saw it more as a selfishness rather than NPD. Crazy.

J

[crushedagain]

The gaslighting I dealt with pertained to our relationship and what I "had done" to her. They were perceived or imagined injurious events which she used to support her victim mentality, and which also served to build up her anger and resentment towards me. For instance, I would be reminded about how we went somewhere on a particular day and it was just an awful day for her because of what I said or did. I would look back upon that particular day, remembering it perfectly because I have a good memory, and literally NOTHING negative happened. She made it up, and I would sometimes go into detail to try to remind her of the fact that it was a great time, to no avail. The scary part was when I would look into her eyes she had convinced herself and there was a completely vacant look. I felt sorry for her, because THAT was the sickness.

The only arguments we ever got into during the entire 2 year relationship had to do with her perceived injuries and her crying and wailing like a child, and ruining entire days and weeks. She would, for whatever reason, decide it was time to raise a stink and that was that. There was nothing I could do to stop it.