New to BPDFamily.com

[Evie313]

Hi there, I've never joined a group like this before so I'm not really sure how this works. I'll start by explaining my situation a bit. I decided to join this group to get some support and guidance for myself and my family. My brother has BPD, along with anxiety and depression, and it's been quite a difficult year trying to get him help. The situation is made worse because he's facing criminal charges, which are a result of his mental health issues. Ultimately, my parents and I are at a loss of how to help my brother. I've read books, websites, blogs, and even called multiple professionals. Nothing seems to work for him, and I feel at a loss. I'm hoping that hearing about other's experiences will make this easier to navigate. Thanks.

[Panda39]

Hi Evie313,

 

Hi there, I've never joined a group like this before so I'm not really sure how this works.

Communicating here is pretty easy you just post something and other members reply and you reply to them.  So here I am! 

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your brother and I can hear how much you care about him. 

Can you tell us what kind of treatment/services your brother has/is tried or is receiving so we can get an idea where you are with him?  What types of issues are you having in terms of your brother... .what is at the top of your list that you might want to work on first?

... .my parents and I are at a loss of how to help my brother. I've read books, websites, blogs, and even called multiple professionals. Nothing seems to work for him, and I feel at a loss.

I hear you are doing a lot of work on your brother's behalf, can I ask how motivated he is to get help and what he is doing in that regard?

I hope you will share more of your story. 

I want to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information you might want to check out the "Lessons" section when you get the chance.

I also hope you will browse some of the other member posts, if you're like me when I first arrived you'll be surprised how much we all have in common.

Take Care, 
Panda39

[Harri]

Hi and welcome Evie.  I am sorry to hear about your brother and how difficult his situation is for you and your parents.  Having a family member with BPD is very difficult and stressful to say the least.

This is the family board so you definitely belong here and I hope to see you posting more.  I wonder if you would benefit from reading and posting at the parenting board as well.  They talk about different therapies and how to use tools to improve communication with pwBPD so you may gain a lot by reading there.   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0

Your parents may also benefit by joining this site.

Take care!

[Turkish]

Given what happened (what did happen?), how do you and your family feel you can support him? Is he blocking you from doing so?

[Evie313]

Hi everyone. I'm sorry I didn't reply right away, I'm still getting used to sharing here and it still feels a bit daunting. But I really appreciate all the quick responses. I will try my best to answer your questions.

Panda39, thank you for pointing out the links to the right. And I followed your advice and read some of the other posts... .you were absolutely right about us all having things in common.

Can you tell us what kind of treatment/services your brother has/is tried or is receiving so we can get an idea where you are with him?  What types of issues are you having in terms of your brother... .what is at the top of your list that you might want to work on first?

At this stage, he hasn't had much treatment. He's taking medication for his anxiety, and this is helping him to control the severity of his outbursts. Right now he's most comfortable speaking with his family doctor, so he sees him every few weeks to talk about things. He's told us he's willing to do counselling, and he's phoned a recommended counselor about DBT. He hasn't heard back yet, and it's not something he really asks about doing.

The main issue we're having is that he's formed a strong attachment with an ex girlfriend (who also is not well). He was charged with a domestic against her, and the two have been caught together many more times. He gets charged every time they're caught. The mounting charges mean there are more legal restrictions on him (ex. house arrest) so it makes it harder to get him help. When he's calm, he recognizes it's not a healthy relationship but when his anxiety and emotions are high, he wants to be with her and he becomes distraught (I think this is the fear of abandonment kicking in). The other big issue is when his anxiety is high he becomes angry - he yells, swears, and threatens to harm himself. The last thing is when he gets arrested he cries and says he'll go to treatment, but then it's so hard to get him to commit to go.

can I ask how motivated he is to get help and what he is doing in that regard?

I can't really tell how motivated he is. There are times where he's positive about going to counselling and getting more help, and then he gets into moods where he gets upset and says he doesn't want to go. He is taking his medication consistently though, and he recognizes it helps.

[Evie313]

Hi Harri, thanks for your kind words   I appreciate your suggestion! I will definitely look into the parenting board. I think my parents need a little more time, but I'm hopeful they will join this site.

[Evie313]

Hi Turkish.

Given what happened (what did happen?), how do you and your family feel you can support him? Is he blocking you from doing so?

I explained the situation a bit more in my reply to Panda39. Unfortunately we don't know how to best support him. We've been generally taking the approach of trying to "keep him safe." By that, I mean we try to make sure he stays away from his ex, make phone calls for him (calling professionals to see how they can help and how soon they can help him), and being very involved in his legal proceedings. He only started opening up in the past few months about how he sometimes feels or what some of his needs are, so we're trying to listen to that and respect what triggers him. We really want him to speak with a counselor because speaking to me and my parents doesn't help. Like I mentioned in a previous post, he'll say he's willing to do that but then doesn't take much initiative and waits for us to do everything for him.

[Panda39]

Hi Evie,

How old is your brother?  What is your family living situation like?  Are either you or your brother still living at home with your parents?

How is your relationship with your brother?  How does he treat you?  How would you describe your brother's relationship with your parents? 

Just trying to get a better idea of what you are experiencing. 

Panda39

[Evie313]

Hi Evie,

How old is your brother?  What is your family living situation like?  Are either you or your brother still living at home with your parents?

How is your relationship with your brother?  How does he treat you?  How would you describe your brother's relationship with your parents? 

Just trying to get a better idea of what you are experiencing. 

Panda39

Hi Panda,

My brother is 25yo. He technically lives in his own apartment, but because he’s under house arrest and he gets anxious being alone, my dad stays with him full time.

My parents are divorced. My mom has her own place in a different city. My dad gave up his place to stay with my brother. I have my own place in a different city.

My relationship with my brother is good from the perspective that he trusts me. When he gets in trouble or really needs help he calls me. He’s also comfortable having me at his place. Sometimes when my mom stays with him he feels smothered and gets upset. But I feel like he only keeps in touch when he needs something. He used to ask my for money but not anymore.

My brother has a good relationship with my dad and trusts him the most. My dad has figured out my brother’s triggers and knows how to communicate with him. However, he tends to be more verbally abusive with my dad and becomes enraged more easily. My dad has started leaving when this happens. Things are getting a bit better. When it comes to my mom, he tries to use her because he knows she’ll baby him. They’re relationship isn’t as strong. My brother doesn’t rage as much with her, but there was an incident a few days ago where he went after my mom’s boyfriend. Police were called and my brother had to leave my mom’s place.