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Author Topic: Sister is mia with BPD  (Read 344 times)
charlie27
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 2


« on: January 16, 2018, 05:16:29 PM »

Hello all! This is my first post here, so bear with me!

My sister and I used to be very close. I'm only a year older than her (now 23). We moved around a lot growing up, and we relied on each other in a probably co-dependent way. I was loud and outgoing and artistic where she was introspective and scientific. We texted throughout the day in high school. I'd sit outside her door and pester her as kids until she'd come out and play. We used to joke that we were like Anna and Elsa from Frozen, but without the happy ending.

When I went off to college two states away, her personality changed. Or maybe I just noticed it more. She was louder, but more reckless. She went out more, but she was becoming rebellious. I figured she was getting toward moving out and brushed it off. In college, she changed a lot. During this time I got very sick. Bedridden sick. I know it stressed her out. I sensed that she wanted to help but didn't know how. That's okay; I didn't know how, either. She'd gotten into drugs at this point. My sister came to visit when I was in school and bailed on our plans to get high with one of my friends. When she came back to my apartment, we got into an argument about it. The tickets I'd bought for this concert went to waste - but I was really mad that she wasn't acting like herself. In all honesty, I wanted, and maybe needed, my sister. She drove off, intoxicated.

I figured it wasn't the end of the world. Siblings fight. We'd stop talking for a day or two and then pick up as if nothing had happened. But then I didn't hear from her for a week, two weeks, two months. I called. I texted. She didn't answer.

In January, a couple months later, she tried to kill herself. She was diagnosed with BPD. I called, and she answered. I told her I'd just gotten out of my abusive relationship, the one she'd been telling me to leave for months. She told me I made him crazy. She told me I made her crazy. "That's what you do," She said, in an uncharacteristically calm voice, "You make people crazy." We didn't speak again after that. I went to 4 different therapists, trying to get one to tell me that I was driving people insane so that I could learn how to stop doing it. None of them did. One suggested I try talking about my experiences here.

I felt guilty for not saving her. I still do. I feel guilty for missing her. She's stopped talking to my whole family, moved far away, and changed her first (and last) name. I don't know where to go from here, or if she'll come back. My family doesn't want to talk about her. I do. I'm not sure how to grieve, or if I even have the right to.

How do you approach these feelings of self-loathing and missing a person who has changed so much?
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10444



« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2018, 06:42:27 AM »

I am sorry about your loss ( even though she is alive ) of a sister with whom you are so close. I have not been in your situation with a sibling, but have a mother with BPD and come from a family with dysfunction.

Even though it is one person- my mother- with a disorder, the entire family patterns became disordered as a way to compensate.  The relatively emotionally healthy members learned dysfunctional behaviors in this system.

A main task for me is to work on these behaviors and learn more functional ones.


Yes, your first task is to grieve - and I think we do grieve things like the loss of a relationship even when the person is alive. I know that I have done this many times- lost a friend ( or someone I thought was a friend) and even "lost" family members that my mother painted me black to. I grieved the loss of the relationship and also the loss of the person I thought they were.

We all change from our childhood in ways. I think some basic personality traits ( and also disorders) are there, but there are mental illnesses that present in young adulthood, and your sister's may have developed now. Young adults face different stresses- it is a big transition to go from home, to college, and then out on your own. These can bring out dysfunction.

When there is a family member with a disorder, the family tends to focus on that person as the "problem" and that takes the focus off their other issues. Growing up, I saw my mother as the main problem in the family. Later I began to look at myself and also the other more "normal" or seemingly normal members and I began to see patterns, not as place for blame but a direction for self work. Counseling has been very helpful and I would recommend it for you on several accounts-

One thing that stood out in your situation is that you have just gotten out of an abusive relationship. Sometimes family members who have been on the "helping" side of the dysfunction have a tendency to be in abusive relationships. Our family of origins influence what feels familiar to us. For me, rescuing and emotional caretaking were familiar ways of loving someone - but they are not good traits to bring into a romantic relationship as it predisposed me to accept relationships with people who were hurtful. You are young and working on this could change the course of your future and allow you to attract the kind of person who will treat you kindly.

Doing some self work will also help you relate to your other family members and to your sister if she does choose to return. That is an unknown, but she is young too and in time, may make a different decision. In the meantime, there isn't anything you can do to work on her issues. Those are hers, but self work is an investment in you and all your relationships and you can do that.
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charlie27
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 2


« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2018, 04:37:59 PM »

Hi Notwendy,

Thank you so much for your words of support! I'm working with a psychiatrist now to help. I'm going to focus more on setting healthy boundaries this year. I'm sorry to hear that you've struggled with a family member who has BPD again, but I appreciate your sharing your ideas. It's helpful to know that I'm not the only one going through something like this - I feel a lot of guilt about the whole thing.

I do think it's a good idea for me to focus more on the relationships in my life beyond my family and foster healthy relationships with my friends. It's hard to find people to talk to about this situation, but I do think that focusing on my own wellbeing during all of this is a good idea. Smiling (click to insert in post) 
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