.Everyone is cutting off contact with my husband.

[letty]

I suspect my husband has BPD. We have been married almost 10 yr.  His mental health is worsening. All his children (from his previous marriage) do not want to speak to him anymore. He always said that he didn't know why. Although to me the reason is very obvious (of course he got mad if i tell him why).  His ex boss did the same just recently. His best friend stopped contact since few month ago. My sister also in the same boat. He get angry very easily. His mood change easily . He often miunderstood what I said, and if I try to explain he even get angrier. I feel sorry for him, but sometimes I feel I couldn't take it anymore. He also have a heart problem which also getting worse. Since 2 years ago he works only parttime. He never abuse me physically.  I want to improve our relationships but I also want to be happy and not always afraid. What I suppose to react when his craziness come?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jeffree]

Letty,

Welcome.

I've never asked this to anyone before, but has he ever had his brain scanned for any abnormalities? For some reason this is striking me as a physical/mechanical issue, as opposed to a psychological/emotional one.

Is he on any steroids? Those made my dad quite oppositional while he was being treated for cancer.

J

[Tattered Heart]

Hi letty



I'm sorry that you've had to watch your H become more and more isolated from others. I know how hard that is.

You mentioned that when your H gets angry that you start to explain why you did whatever he is upset about. We call that JADE ing. It's when we try to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain ourselves. Most of the time, this only further makes the pwBPD angry. Would you say that he gets more angry when you try to explain yourself?

The reason they tend to get more angry is because they see our explanation as being invalidating. Our workshop on Stop Invalidating Others can help you see ways that us nons invalidate, even if we don't mean to. We also have a workshop called Don't JADE . This workshop goes into why JADEing further angers our pwBPD. This was one of the very first communication skills I began to use and it was very helpful to me.

[letty]

Thanks for the respons. You are right that I need to learn not invalidating him. I know it's hard but I have to try. Btw I don't know if he ever have his brain scanned but he takes medication for anxiety.He told me he has chemical imbalance. I know from his mom that he acts just like his father ( I never met him. He passed away before I met him). He adores his father. I just wondering if it is possible to make him realise that he need professional help.

[Tattered Heart]

I've learned that you can never really make anyone do anything. One thing we often see here is that the nonBPD partner starts to change their own behavior and their pwBPD is now left with having to look at themselves and their responses because the nonBPD partner is no longer a part of their drama.

Could you share an example of an issue that comes up frequently in your relationship?