At a crossroads

[Guitar man]

Firstly, hi... .I’ve been reading things here for a while to try and make sense of things and I’m getting there, but I now feel I’m at the most important crossroads of my life and can’t decide which way to turn, although I think I know which way I should go.

Knowing what I know now; I was lovebombed.  I was idealised.  I was made to feel like only I got her... .her being my uBPDw.  Married for coming up 2 years.

It’s not that i ignored the early red flags, I just didn’t know anything about high conflict, BPD people having never had one in my life.  

Whirlwind romance, married, then... .so many stories on here reflect what we’ve been through.

She quickly became very anxious about me going out with friends and would start fights.  I’d often try and cool down by going out for 10 minutes, but she’d follow me... .then accuse me taking the fights outside so our neighbours could hear!

Very controlling... .especially with money. I’d give her all I earned and she payed the bills, she wanted it this way and I had no reason to have any concerns.  My wardrobe changed to things she liked (I liked them too to be fair).

Her grandmother died 5 1/2 months ago and this is when life got... .interesting!

She’s had asthma her whole life and it is bad, but recently she’s been claiming to have lung cancer but I’ve seen no evidence.  Never been to any of her appointments and never seen any hospital letters.

I discovered she was sacked from a part time job in a bar, the accusation was she was stealing.

She’s racked up a lot of debt.

She stopped staying with me but came to see me every day.  She was staying mostly with a ‘friend’... .this friend has called me and sent me texts urging me to agree to a divorce along with a whole load of horrific insults and threats.

We were going to give up our house as we couldn’t afford it as she’s off sick from work, then suddenly she’s demanded I move out and she moved back in... .with this ‘friend’ as far as I know.  (The friend once got her sister pregnant ending up in an abortion... .but as far as my uBPDw is concerned none of this was his fault and he’s now being lovebombed and idealised)

She’s been manipulative, mostly to get money. She’s raged and devalued me, projected on to me, calls me a failure, accuses me of having affairs... .with her sister and her mother... .

But the thing is, I can’t help worrying about her!  I’m no fool, I’ve done a lot of reasearch in to BPD and she’s a classic waif type but she also has traits of a queen and I know she’s not going to change... .but at what point do I cut ties completely and stop caring?

I keep being told I’m too understanding of her mental state.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Guitar Man,




You have found a safe place to sort out these confusing things in your life.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I'm one of the ambassadors here and will help you get settled in to this board and start your journey of learning about what you are mixed up with.

At some point, my hope is you can use this knowledge to make decisions for yourself that will result in a more satisfying relationship and life.

2 big things.

1.  Look to the right of your screen.  Click on "choosing a path" and spend some time there.  Write down stuff that doesn't make sense... .stuff that stands out to you.  Post those questions here so we can guide you.

2.  Come back often to check your post and to look around at what others are doing.  Ask questions... .lots of them.

We can get into the details and "meat" of your story in a while.   How does that sound?

FF

[Guitar man]

Thanks ff... .

Had a good look at that stuff and lots of food for thought.

But at what point do I turn my back on my wife?  It’s the last thing I want to do.  

I am looking after myself, making plans for my security etc.  And like I say, she’s a perfect waif and it feels like she enjoys playing the victim and I know she is genuinely unwell, physically and mentally.  Although she plays up the physical stuff and plays down the mental stuff... .

Just how much verbal abuse, abuse of trust, lies and deceit can I put down to her fears and anxieties... .

I get that things go in cycles and i even get that by being close to her I am a trigger, however I act or react to anything she does or says.  And although she’s talking divorce, she still tries to pull me back in with sob stories and medical dramas. She literally just arranged to meet me on Friday for a coffee... . 

The easy option in my eyes is walk away.  Let her get on with the slow motion car crash that is her life.  Her new ‘friend’ already has 2 kids to 2 different women and a full on drink habit.  (Cheating and drinking too much are things she says she hates... .)

But walking away... .abandoning her when she needs (but doesn’t want) my help feels wrong.

[babyducks]

Hi Guitar man,

You've been through a lot.    And you have a lot on your plate.    Why not take a while,   an amount of time that feels reasonable to you and think about it.   Work it through.   Do some more posting here.   Sometimes it helps us to organize our thoughts by writing them out in ways other people can understand.

While you take some time to decide you can work on the tools here.    See if they make a difference for you.     

The first suggestion most of us recieve when we get here is to 'stop the bleeding'.    When I arrived here was a lot of intense conflict.     For me learning some communications tools and about validation helped reduce the conflict and the amount of damage that was being done to the relationship.

For me that did not mean becoming a door mat.   It meant learning to better response to the verbal abuse so I wasn't hurt by it and I wasn't pouring gas on the fire.

What does a conflict look like for you?     

'ducks

[Guitar man]

Conflict... .where to start!

Conflict happens when she’s stressed.  When she’s worried.  When she’s anxious about money.  When she’s ill.  If someone has pissed her off.  If she’s asked me to do something and I don’t do it quick enough.  Or if I’ve done it perfectly!

If I was to go out with friends, she’d stress about me getting too drunk.  It would take days of reassurance before it was kind of ok... .if I dropped it on her short notice, WW3 would occur.  And when I was out she’d text and call if I was out for more than a couple of hours. 

Right now, all the conflict is based around blaming me for her being in debt and about how much I hurt her by ‘not loving her enough’.  We’ve had the same discussion soo many times. 

I’ve learned to sit back and let her vent, let her say what’s on her mind without interrupting her as this just leads to a complete blowout.  She needs to feel she’s being listened to.

Telling her the debt is due to her impulsive spending is a no no too.  She hates feeling responsible for being in debt.  Even though it was always me saying we should cut back if we couldn’t afford things.  Yet it’s still my fault.

If you catch her in a lie and ask her about it, boom.  Very explosive.

I ‘don’t understand’ her apparently.  Any attempt to show I’m trying to understand is met with verbal abuse.

She called me a few choice names just the other day.  Yet yesterday we actually had a civil conversation with absolutely NO drama or conflict.

We were supposed to meet today, but she cancelled saying her mother had accused her of taking some money, but we spoke on the phone and again she was ok with me.  I paid a bill, and I’m back to being ‘amazing’.

She’s usually nicer to me when she’s after money.  If she doesn’t get it, she rages, blames and calls me horrific names.

So a lot of conflict!  She can be lovely though, it’s not all bad all the time.  But she’s a fairly high conflict woman... .

[formflier]

  I paid a bill, and I’m back to being ‘amazing’.

She’s usually nicer to me when she’s after money.  If she doesn’t get it, she rages, blames and calls me horrific names.

 .

Why do you think this is?

What does it say about how she views the relationship?

what does it say about her feelings for you?

FF

[Guitar man]

Why do you think this is?

What does it say about how she views the relationship?

what does it say about her feelings for you?

FF

It’s not ideal... .

She’s fairly money orientated and I’ve seen the patterns, so it doesn’t really upset me anymore. When things are ok, and bills can be paid and we can save, she is a good person.  She doesn’t lie, or manipulate or resort to blaming and name calling.  This is her MAJOR defence mechanism.  If she’s under pressure and feeling the pinch she does what she thinks she has to to survive. But when things are good she’s quite impulsive about spending.

And I usually get the niceness before I hand money over and NEVER after. 

And my job... .I’m self employed so I’ve had great months, earning double what she does, but also bad months earning half.  She likes consistency, but don’t we all?  I’m taking on a second source of more regular income for the down times on my main one, but for me, not for her.  She’s tried to put me down for this.  Seems to annoy her that I’m not wallowing in self pity!

[formflier]

And I usually get the niceness before I hand money over and NEVER after. 

Why do you suppose she does this?

[SlyQQ]

You can lead a horse to water

[babyducks]

Hi Guitar Man,

I was just in another thread about the harmfully intense emotions of people who suffer from this disorder. So it's still on my mind.

People with BPD have very intense emotions that switch rapidly.    Almost painfully intense emotions.    The technical term is emotional baseline.   The emotional baseline of a person with the traits of BPD is higher,  and more reactive.

Typically two maladaptive coping skills are used to handle these intense emotions.

External soothing by impulsive spending, is fairly normal.   It's a way to dump excess emotions.   

and projection.    casting the excess emotions away by blaming them or attributing them to some one else.

Does that make sense?

It sounds like by what you are describing that she is using spending to soothe and manage her emotions.    Feelings equal facts in the world of BPD.    and for your uBPDw money, spending, financial gifts equates to her feeling valued and valuable.    Not having money and not spending means the opposite.

she is going to protect and defend her spending because it's helping her feel in control and emotionally whole.

what do you think?

'ducks