Drowning - my first post, how do I help her and grandchildren?.

[Yat4]

This is my first post. I just recently discovered that my daughter most likely has BPD. Background: I had my daughter at 16. Her biological father was most likely BPD and very emotionally and physically abusive. I finally broke free of him when my daughter was 4. Afterwards, he burned my apartment down and spent the next 21 years in prison. I met my husband a year after the fire and we have been happily married for 26 years. She seemed like a normal child, didn't have many issues (except for the normal things) when she was little. My husband quickly took up the father role and they were very close when she was young.
As she became a teenager, she became defiant, then gradually more risking taking, then eventually out of control and cutting herself. We had her in therapy at the time, but they told us that she was just depressed and going through "normal" teenage issues.
Now, she is 32 years old and has gone from one bad (!) relationship to another, and has three children of her own. She also has no ability to care for herself or the children. After her first bad breakup and a serious illness with the youngest grandchild, we moved her near to us and have been completely supporting her for about 3 years. We had been slowly trying to get her more independent with career training and helping her find a job with our neighbor/friends. She was doing fairly well until she got into bad relationship #2. Since then, she has been having angry outbursts, not letting us see the grandchildren for months at a time, then suddenly being nice  again, only to find out that she needs something. We are at about 2 years of half support with no end in sight. We are financially drained. I had a major surgery this summer and have not been well since, requiring me to cut hours at work at the same time she is demanding more. It finally blew up right before Christmas. She took a bottle of benedryl in a suicide gesture and ended up in the mental hospital for two weeks. We took care of the kids and I missed two weeks of work, spiraling the financial situation even worse. It seemed a little better after she got home, but yesterday she asked for money and I told her that there wasn't any. She began screaming at me that we are horrible parents and never should have raised her, and other equally hurtful things, including that my neighbors/friends think so too and don't understand how we can just abandon her and the grandkids like this.
So, here we are. We spent the entire week with only $10 in our bank account, about $45,000 spent over the past 5 years, but somehow horrible parents and grandparents that our neighbor/friends won't even talk to anymore. I'm pretty sure that she is going to stop letting me see the grandkids again. I think that is what hurts the most.
So what do you think? BPD? How do we approach this if she is and want to discuss counseling with her? Do we just give up?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[IBBUGGIN]

As you were so kind to respond to my post I'll try and respond to yours.  In the past, prior to knowing some of the diagnosis that we are dealing with.  We reached out to a good friend of our dd who also noticed the behaviour.  She was able to talk to her and at least have her listen.  I found depending on the day and the minute within that day no matter what I say it's taken the wrong way.  Sometimes a 3rd party can deliver the same message and have it received better.  Just personal experience (different situation at the time though).

[Yat4]

Thank you. That was what I was thinking too. She will not listen to anything that I say. I'll see if I can find someone that she trusts (right now!) that can talk to her about it.

[incadove]

Hi Yat4

That sounds so extremely hard and draining!  I'm glad you are reaching out for support.

Myself, I would encourage you to cut off unconditional financial support and attach conditions that need to be met before receiving funds.  This might be access to your grandchildren, no abusive language, or whatever you feel you need.  If you can set the condition in a loving and nonjudgemental way, and ignore the abuse that will be heaped on you temporarily, she may meet the condition in order to get the support from you. 

I'd also keep reading and learning from the tools on this site and elsewhere.  One that might help is the Parents' Bill of Rights!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=144903.0

Its really hard when it involves grandchildren and I don't know what's best for you, but my experience (without grandchildren) is that the long term outcome is best when I'm able to stay calm and firm and set out the conditions ahead of time for whatever it is that is wanted. 

Good luck, keep posting and I hope things turn up a bit.  In any case please make sure to take care of yourself first, health and finances and self-care!

[Merlot]

Hello Yat4.  I have recently posted as well looking for mutual understanding and support.  Your circumstances, history, patterns of behavior with your daughter resonate with my experience.  In addition to physical and ongoing emotional support, my husband and I have provided so much in terms of financial support to my DD27; university support, moving house support, a television, vacuum cleaner, microwave, endless other bits and pieces to tie her over. However, none of it seems to be appreciated as her behavior remains challenging.  Through the help of various resources I am starting to set boundaries.  I have recently cut off any financial support for her.  It was difficult at first and I felt bad, but I am inching my way forwards as i am feeling much better about having done this.

I have a long way to go in terms of working towards better outcomes and I empathise with your own circumstances.

Merlot

[Yat4]

Thank you all for your support! It means so much just to be able to tell the full story and have someone give an objective opinion. We are paying for her cell phone and car insurance, and whatever the grandkids need extra (school trips, guitar lessons, etc), but we have cut off everything else. Even if we wanted to, we just can't afford it right now. We made a pact to not ever just hand her money ever again.

We are weathering a pretty bad storm of hate right now. She has bad mouthed us to all our friends/family and has even taken to posting things on Facebook. She is still bringing the kids over each week for family night and letting us take them to their extra-curricular activities so far. We are just playing nice and trying to not respond to any of it.

I've started working through the tools and ordered the book "Stop walking on Eggshells". Thank you for being here for support!

[incadove]

We are weathering a pretty bad storm of hate right now. She has bad mouthed us to all our friends/family and has even taken to posting things on Facebook. She is still bringing the kids over each week for family night and letting us take them to their extra-curricular activities so far. We are just playing nice and trying to not respond to any of it.

Kudos to you Yat4!  In the long run I think most people can tell that the one who is not doing the badmouthing is the person to trust and look up to!  It can be so hard to stay focused on the important things and sounds like you are doing just that.  Take care of yourselves too!

[FaithfulHope]

Dear Yat4,   I am sorry for all you are going through.   Luckily here you can have the support of people who truly understand.  I am used to my DD25 badmouthing me to people often.  I used to worry about that and try to defend myself but I have long ago given up on that.  The people that have been my true family and friends through my journey know the truth.  I know in my heart I have always done my very best.   And I still continue to try with her and continue to learn better skills.   We are also at a point of stopping financial support.   We had been helping her to get her through school and into a career.  We did that and she has turned her back on her career and works at a fast food place.  I think you are wonderful to keep helping her and the grandchildren the way you are.   Thank goodness we have this group to help us through the hard times.