I'm sorry to read that both of you had such traumatic events happen. I don't think mine was as bad as that, but still pretty awful. My dBPDbf (we live together since about 2 years ago) started disregulating/dissociating really badly last October right before his birthday. We had a big party planned (often a trigger for BPD people, but he really wanted to have it) and all of his family members including his ex wife and her husband, as well as his sister, all the kids in the family, etc. were to be attending. I really like the family, get along well with the ex, but his sister has a major histrionic personality disorder, and he and she often bicker like crazy and have dramatic periods of no contact where they both paint each other black and create drama triangles all over the place (you can see where this is going)... .
A few days before the party he made multiple panicked phone calls to his sister to which she responded with more drama, and about two days before the party, he notified all the guests that it was cancelled. Because he "didn't want everyone to see what was going on in our house." There was actually nothing going on, but he was gearing up to paint
me black for nearly a full two months over reasons I never was able to identify.
At the last minute, he reinstated the party, and told everyone to come. I could hear his sister's histrionic wailing through the phone from the basement. She arrived with her kids and was really dramatic and acting very manic, and making the day all about her... .and irritating the sh*t out of my boyfriend who was struggling to keep it together. After he had a few drinks he got really testy and started being rude to me and his sister and told me to shut up over something I said. (I asked him to put the eggs in the refrigerator!) His nephew (the sister's son) got in his face and scolded him viciously in front of the whole family for being verbally abusive. You can imagine how that pissed him off. He kept it together though, apologized to me, and the party went really well... .until it got a bit late, and I excused myself to go lay down. My boyfriend kept drinking, became belligerent, and eventually confronted his ex-wife's husband about stealing his wife (I am so sorry I missed all this! ) This happened over a decade ago, and is long buried and we all just get along fine. But he pissed off the husband who then told the ex wife to get away from them so they could talk, and so that pissed her off. SO. MUCH. DRAMA.
He got annoyed with my boyfriend bringing up this old bullsh*t, so he told him that if he had been a better husband and not so mentally unstable, his wife wouldn't have left him. I did not witness this. (He never told me this, but his sister did, and she's histrionic as well, so it might be an exaggeration, and she doesn't like the husband very much.) Earlier that night the husband
had told me that my boyfriend was difficult and the ex wife had always struggled with that. The two began getting a bit riled up, so his sister jumped in and separated them - extremely dramatically of course. (He did tell me this part.) This all stuns me, because they usually are totally civil and friendly, and have buried the past, BUT when they both get drunk, the male pissing contest starts up again sometimes.
All of these events really triggered him, and guess who was the recipient of all his rage and angst? Of course it was me. For weeks. He kept sending me nasty texts, calling me at work to yell at me, and trying to break up with me because I was destroying his life, apparently. Never really said why, or what I had done to make him feel that way.
When early December rolled around, it was my birthday, and we had booked a trip to a really beautiful place in another part of Europe, where I had always dreamed of going. It was just for an extended weeked (four days) and he told me he would still go with me "as a friend, because he's a gentleman".
I wish I had cancelled the trip, because it was a NIGHTMARE. For four days straight, be belittled me, ignored me, gave me the silent treatment, complained about everything (the food, the restaurant service, the other guests, the weather, and most of all, me, and what a horrible person I was).
I was fighting back tears the entire time and I felt so damn alone, and hurt. It was our first trip together anywhere, AND my birthday, and it was a nightmare of epic proportions. That beautiful location now holds bad memories for me. On the ferry home, he yelled at me and screamed profanities at me and the whole ship heard it and turned around to stare at this huge, tall lunatic who was screaming at a small crying woman to "f*ck off!" at top volume.
I left humuliated, and went and sat in another part of the boat by myself until we got back to the mainland.
When we got home, he presented me with a beautiful pair of earrings that I had admired in a shop 6 months prior, but felt I could not justify the expense, and told me Happy Birthday. (WHAT?)
The next day, I scheduled an appointment to start couples' counseling, and EFT therapy, and told him, not asked,TOLD him he was going to participate. He balked a bit at first, annoyed that I didn't ask him before making the appoinment, but I told him that I wasn't giving him an option, and if he REALLY wanted me out of his life, then we were going to have professional help getting through it, because I am not a disposable object, and neither is he, and I do not consent to breaking up while in an emotional state, and under duress.
He of course did not REALLY want that, and was relieved that I had taken this step. That was mid December, and by Christmas, (and two sessions) he was already acting about 80% normal. Things are much better, and we have had about three disputes since therapy started, all of which he excused himself when he began to escalate, went to his workshop to work with his tools and projects, and then later returned and talked rationally, and even apologized. I barely recognize this man. And while I know we will always have to deal with the BPD, he is learning to get a grip on himself, and he realized after that long dark period, he does not want to alienate his whole family, lose me, or make an ass of himself in front of his kids and their mother again. When he came out of the fog he was humiliated about how he acted, and wanted help. I was convinced on that ferry boat that this was the end. I hated him for how he treated me... .but I think he hated himself even more. And the break-up did reverse.
On that note, next week is his oldest son's birthday. And guess who's having a party, and the WHOLE gang will be there?
Heaven help me.
