22 year old daughter with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 22 year old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago, has struggled for years before that.  She had to drop out of college, can't hold down a job, and it's SO HARD to keep up with her mood swings.  She is extremely attached to me- won't let me leave (I do go to work).  Her "episodes" can be that of a toddler, young child, preteen, teen... .I have to close my eyes, analyze how old I think she is and respond.  It is mentally DRAINING.  I can't get a break- I'm the only one she wants.  Extremely suicidal.  Has been TDO numerous times- not the solution.  Goes to regular counseling as well as DBT (which is new).  ANY helpful information would be so greatly appreciated!

[KMAC12]

My 22 year old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago, has struggled for years before that.  She had to drop out of college, can't hold down a job, and it's SO HARD to keep up with her mood swings.  She is extremely attached to me- won't let me leave (I do go to work).  Her "episodes" can be that of a toddler, young child, preteen, teen... .I have to close my eyes, analyze how old I think she is and respond.  It is mentally DRAINING.  I can't get a break- I'm the only one she wants.  Extremely suicidal.  Has been TDO numerous times- not the solution.  Goes to regular counseling as well as DBT (which is new).  ANY helpful information would be so greatly appreciated!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustYouWait]

Hey, KMAC, and welcome.

I'm sorry you had to find us, but I'm so glad you found us.

It sounds to me like you are your daughter's touchstone, her knight in shining armor, and her ground.  While it's an honor to be that to someone, especially someone who's struggling, even more when it's your child, it is all-encompassing.

I empathize.  I understand.  I know.

I am my daughter's person for that.

When you say "it's DRAINING", I smiled.  It is not the smile of someone who think's it's funny, rather the rueful smile of someone who has been there, done that, and still is.  Being "that person" to someone with BPD is a ton of pressure. 

Pressure to do what they want for fear of what they will do if you don't.
Pressure to provide what they claim to need for fear of what they will do if you don't.
Pressure to anticipate their whims for fear of what they will do if you don't.
Pressure to read their moods for fear of what they will do if you don't.
Pressure to think about their reactions to what you want to do with your time for fear of what they will do if you don't.

You see where I'm going with this?

This is why this place is so great:  as I was typing that, trying to help you, I actually helped myself, as it dawned on me that the only common things in those statements are:

You (me)
They (person with BPD)
Fear
Result
You (me) doing/not doing something for them

So what do we do?  I don't have an answer, but I have been learning to tell my DD19 that "I'm not doing xxxxx for you.  That's a YOU thing, not a ME thing."

Has it worked every time?  No.  But it's working more and more, so there's that.

DBT has helped many people here's kids.  Therapy for yourself has helped.  Posting here or on similar boards helps a lot.  Have you thought of residential treatment?  Mine is there now and there are marked improvements.  I don't know your situation, but you could look into RT.

Wrapping this up, I really want you to know this:  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  we are here for you.  Come.  Post. Sit down on this big couch we have here.  There's room.

I hope you stick around.

-jyw