He doesn't know what's coming

[Skip]

Frankee, you are consumed by the fight du jour (and fighting back). It is not serving you well. It buries you in the trees... .your view of the forest is lost.

You have to get above this emotional quagmire and you have to do it yourself - not try to passively aggressively motivate your husband to do it.

Can you answer my questions.

We are trying to help. All of us, but we need answers to fact questions. We don't want to go down the emotional rabbit hole with you... .we want to help pull you out.


Come up here with us Frankee!

[Frankee]

Are the children yours and not his? If they are shared children, are you anticipating that he will not have access to them once you leave?

The youngest one is his, but there was a good at the hospital and his name was left off the birth certificate.

When was the last time (calendar) that he hit you... .not grabbed, but hit & hurt?

About two and a half years ago, maybe a little longer.

You have lived with him a long time, so you know his anger pattern. Is he likely to be  heating up in the shower and comeout swinging? If that is his pattern, you should leave now. If not, he is likely cooling down.

He's usually relaxed after a shower.

Straight question. He keeps saying he will get you out when he can. You indicate you will go if this is going to continue. So why are you there? I haven't followed this story closely, but I thought you said he is waiting for you to give him money so he can do something and he has said when that happens he will kick you out. It's an odd story. Your actions suggest that you don't think he means it.

I think it's all a bunch of bs.  He says alot of stuff he doesn't mean, doesn't do, doesn't follow through on.

It really important to get past all this confusing outward (from him, to him) and inward (talking to yourself) communication. You are flooded with mixed messages, mix thinking, etc. When it get calm, you should have an nonthreatening conversation  about his plans. Don't you think?

I'm trying to build up the guts to address his threats of leaving.  Like poking a sleeping bear.  He might just attack.  I know it has to be done, but trying to get a calm state of mind.

I really don't want to go down the rabbit hole, I'm just having a really hard time not too.  Thank you for being patient.  I feel I'm slipping into some depressive state.  It scares me that the way I'm feeling is making it really hard to see any way out.   

[formflier]

I'm trying to build up the guts to address his threats of leaving.  

Thank your for addressing the questions Skip posed.

Can you take some time to think through how you will "address" his threats?  Please post that in detail, perhaps in a different (new thread).

For now, can you stay steady... .?  It appears you are engaging less (perhaps fighting back less is better term) and I think I can see some positive results.  This is still early.

Next time you are doing deep breathing, can you walk around the room and time your breathing to your steps.  (It works for me).

Small steps... stay steady... .let the rabbits go wherever they want.  Good job staying up here with us.     You can do this!

FF

[formflier]

Separate question:  Can you explain the story about him waiting on you to give him money, which will somehow lead to him making you guys leave?

No idea if this is significant or not... .will have to understand the story.

FF

[Frankee]

Separate question:  Can you explain the story about him waiting on you to give him money, which will somehow lead to him making you guys leave?

No idea if this is significant or not... .will have to understand the story.

FF

Think I might have miscommunicated something some here.  We're in the process of saving money.  We have a shared bank account that both have access to.  The silver is what we both are pitching in, so my comment about being my savings, it's mine just as much as his.

Our original plan was to save it for a down payment, now it's looking less and less like I want to go through with it.  Still trying to decide if I'm wanting to keep fighting for this or if I need to focus more on my exit strategy.

[Frankee]

My answers to Skip were a little short because I was crunched for time. 

The situation with the kids.  This oldest isn't his.  He will probably try to argue that he's been the only father he has known, we,ve e lived together long enough to where he does has rights.  The youngest one is his, but something got misfiled or not done properly at the hospital.  His name isn't on the birth certificate.  Lawyer said since his name isn't there, he would have to establish paternity before gaining legal rights. 

[Cat Familiar]

I hear in your comments that you're undecided. That makes sense because you have so many responsibilities with the kids. Something to consider is that if you do buy property together, you'll have an additional tie to him and that if you're still undecided, it will make it even more difficult to extract yourself if that's what you ultimately choose.

I felt very entangled in my first marriage. We didn't have kids, but we did have animals, and I was attached to all of them and the idea of losing any one of them broke my heart.

Also we owned property together and shared a business. We were barely making ends meet so I couldn't imagine how I would fare on my own.

Well, he violated a line in the sand I had drawn, big time, and I ended the relationship, not knowing how I would take care of the endless details and responsibilities. I did, one by one, and things worked out, better than I could ever have imagined.

Anyway, my advice to you is to imagine your life in these phases:

1. One year from now
2. Five years from now
3. Ten years from now

No goals, just let your mind wander and think how your life could be, what you want to see, feel and hear. What your children look like as they grow up.

[formflier]

So... .you are both saving money towards a down payment on a house you can both live in... correct?  

When do you think the money will be sufficient for a down payment?

Big breath... just doing some inventory questions which may be a bit personal.

Has there ever been a paternity test or any kind of contest about his parentage of the youngest child?  Is the last name of the child his or yours?  

Are there other forms out there showing him to be the father or is he listed on those as a guardian?

FF

[formflier]

1. One year from now
2. Five years from now
3. Ten years from now
 

yes yes and triple yes. 

Then look at goals that will take your partners cooperation. 

Then look at goals that could be "sabotaged" by him.

That will help you define boundaries and figure out the wisdom of those plans.

Since you are undecided, there needs to be a "off ramp" to those plans that says, if we split up this is how I continue towards this goal.

Big picture:  Not likely to be wise to make goals that require you two to stay together.  Let staying together be an added bonus.

FF

[Skip]

Lawyer said since his name isn't there, he would have to establish paternity before gaining legal rights. 

I think it would be unrealistic think you can exit, take the kids, and cut him out. I wouldn't build my plans based on that.

[formflier]

My questions were only to get an idea of how hard he will have to work to establish his parental rights.

If he is the father, he can establish them. 

It would look odd for you to try to prevent that, given the history you have with him.

I can see in the short run that there could be a lot fewer complications for you because of the birth certificate.

If you leave and ask for child support most people would ask why he should pay if he is not the father, so you will have to "affirm" that he is the father.

I'm not suggesting you go one way or the other.  I AM suggesting that you need to think all of these angles through before making any moves.

FF

[Frankee]

I ran out of options.  There is no more future.  He told me to go pick up my oldest child from school because he didn't trust his other half brother to do it.  He had a doctor's appointment I was initially going to go to with him.  I said okay.  Something happened where he started getting aggressive.   

I was standing there, about to walk out the door to leave.  When he started an onslaught of his threats.  It's all my fault, I'm to blame, liar thief, etc.  I stood there and didn't look at him and didn't say anything.  Then I finally said, I'm going to go pick him up, he yelled... don't you dare walk out that f**in door or I will lay your ass out.  Took a deep breath, went to leave and he shoved me, hard.  I stumbled back and almost fell.  I went to leave again and he shoved me harder.  He snapped.  Told me to pack a bag and get the hell out.

I did.  Grabbed a few things, shoved them in a bag.  The whole time he's yelling, carrying on with his threats and blaming.  I get my stuff and pick up the baby.  I give him lots of hugs, kisses, promise I will never leave.  He told me to put the baby down before I hurt him.  I ignored him.  Continued to hold him.  I give him to his other half brother.  His other half brother was there, the whole time.  Never once opened his mouth or said anything.  He was carrying on, said my bus leave at 9:48.  I said okay, knew he was lying, didn't have time to look it up.  I left, walked out of the house.  He grabbed my arm and said, get back in this f*in house, I'm not through with you yet.  I yanked my arm away and said no, you told me to leave.  He said to never come back.

It breaks my heart.  The kids.  I wouldn't try to fight he is the father.  It would just buy me time in the custody.  I'm at the library, not sure what to do.  I've been talking to my friend on our next move.  I'm not abandoning them and I'm not giving up.  My friend knows him and knows that me getting out of the house alive and not on a stretcher is the first step.  She's going to help me get the kids next.  Since his track record of physical abuse, I could see the situation escalating very fast.  Him shoving me was only the first step, me staying there with the heated situation could very well had turned into a bad physical altercation. 
 

[Skip]

There are 13 domestic violence and abuse centers near you. I sent you the information.

You should call the attorney you talked to and discuss the possibility of a restraining order to  get him out of the house until you all can sort this.

 

[Skip]

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