Partner with BPD is distant and her need for attention has dropped massively.

[domino123]

Hi,
I am really struggling at the moment as I have a strong gut feeling my BPD partner is not being open and honest with me and it’s making me feel crazy.  Her attention and need for attention has dropped massively and she has been acting rather distant.   Last night she said she felt like she missed me even though I am right here.   She said she has been feeling distant too but wanted to know how to fix it.    I asked her outright if there is someone else but she is adamant that she hasn’t even been talking to anyone else and even swore on her pets life but I just feel like something is off.  
Has anyone else experienced this and what should I do?  I really love her but a part of me wants to run and hide.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I've experienced it many times.  I totally agree with your "makes you feel like you want to run and hide" comment.  Sometimes you want to just run from the crazy.

Can you take a moment and reflect on a few things?  Can you see how she is claiming or feeling abandoned?  And the way she is going about it is leading you to  (fill in the blank)... .     Run and hide.

Sort of a self fulfilling prophecy.

Big picture:  Let her feel what she feels and you stay secure in your world.  (I realize this is a tall order, but one that bpdfamily can help you with).

Let's start by looking to the right of the screen.  Click on choosing a path and do some reading.  Write down questions... .post about them.

When you see something that makes sense to you... .write about that as well.

Come back often and see what we have to say about your posts.

As we get to know each other, we'll be able to help you find the next step in a confusing relationship.  It can get better.

   

FF

[domino123]

Thank you for your response.  Much appreciated. 

I’m struggling to deal with a potential discard for a second time.  She’s showing the same signs as she did leading up to the first discard so it’s triggering those fears for me.   She left and got involved with someone else for nearly 3 years and I during that time I was kept on the shelf and when I would flow in and out of communication she would see that as me being inconsistent even though she was with someone else.   
Do I just ignore my gut feelings regarding her getting emeshed with someone else and continue to go crazy and allow it to happen or am I able to step out of the picture and preserve my sanity?  Either way it feels like I’m set up to fail and she just has my heart on a string.   

She speaks about her friends with disrespect and her exes with no regard for their feelings.   It’s as if she has a collection of people still pinning over her and she doesn’t take into account their feelings and she can be quite selfish in ways.  Are these more co-morbid narcissistic traits?   I guess in my mind she lead me to believe I was some sort of exception but sometimes I can’t help but feel like the jokes on me.

[pearlsw]

Hi domino123,

I can understand how uncertain you are feeling at this time, not knowing what is coming... .

In terms of bettering things, whatever they are, for the time being have you thought about working with the validation tool? Perhaps it could serve to make her feel listened to and supported and that could create a stronger connection, or prevent one from breaking?

Just an idea!

wishing you well, pearl.

[Red5]

   
Do I just ignore my gut feelings regarding her getting emeshed with someone else and continue to go crazy and allow it to happen or am I able to step out of the picture and preserve my sanity? 

domino123 welcome, this is a good place to be !

You said, ":)o I just ignore my gut feelings",

I have to tell you from life experience, and I am fifty two years old now, I have to tell you to trust your gut.

You also wrote, "or am I able to step out of the picture and preserve my sanity",

I believe that trusting your inner person, your gut as they say, will get you out of most troubles in life, whatever you want to call it, a "sixth sense", beyond all the rest, touch, hearing, sight, so forth and so on, .I have come to believe that this inner instinct is never wrong.

If you lose yourself, ie' your own sanity, as you wrote, then you are headed down a dangerous path, I can surmise by your posts that you have been quite lost in this for a few years, .my first wife left me several times, and I was married to her for twenty-two years, I should have listened to my own "gut" many times, as it was right every time... .and had I listened, I would have done what was necessary to preserve my own sanity, which I did lose on many occasions while I was married to her.

Such as life, most lesson learned the hard way.

Hang in there, and be strong, and evaluate your situation, be honest with yourself.

Red5