clarity please

[anon156]

hello all

firstly let me apologise if this post is too long to read.

i have suspected for some time my current partner may have BPD. this was especially evident in the early stages of our relationship, particularly with her push/pull pattern of behavior and splitting. at the time i was not aware that these were symptoms of BPD.

the relationship would end and begin again very often, all on her say so. sometimes a couple of times a week. strange for me is i would always be happy and almost desperate to get back together, which is something i would not have done before.

as the relationship has progressed (now over a year in) this type of behavior has ceased. it is now me who is repeatedly breaking off the relationship, and unable to sustain the break up for more than a couple of days. i always give in to my decision, go back and are welcomed with open arms.

i am also struggling to regulate my own responses to my partner. she screams in my face during a disagreement and wont let me be heard, mostly about money or something else that could be completely trivial.

i have always struggled to control my temper but recently have done some things i am not proud of, my partner is always eager to put these situations behind us and move on as quick as anything, which i am astounded by.

my partner drinks alcohol and smokes cannabis most days, if not all day from waking to late evening. i have never complained about this but feel it is adding to her depressed mental state. i have recently found out that she plans to commit suicide. she has talked of this many times but i have found out today (after a break up instigated by me) that she has made real plans to take her own life.

right now i dont know if i want this relationship anymore, part of me does and yearns severely to see her again even after a few hours of separation, i know this is the case for her too. the other part of me wants my life of normalcy back, i feel as though long term it would be best if i were to leave as i know things will not get better.

the only option i have would be to learn how to control myself in these high stress situations, something so far i have not been able to do, i have read a lot of guides on this website for mindfulness etc. or to leave.

i am also worried as this relationship has brought to light many aspects of my own personality and attachment style which are not great.

sometimes she can make me so angry i just dont know where it could all end, this is even more so a very real worry for me.

can anyone offer any advice?

many thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi anon156 and welcome to the board!

It sounds like a very stressful situation between struggling for clarity regarding your feelings about the relationship while your partner engages in these erratic behaviors. Good for you for taking steps to control your side of the equation and learn about the skills.

You say your partner has made real plans to take her life. Could you share more details about these plans? Is this something she has done in the past?

It takes courage to admit we have a part in the problems that have developed in a relationship even if the other person has BPD or BPD traits. I think you have a very proactive attitude by asking for ways to regulate yourself. One of the first things I worked on after learning my wife had BPD was my own co-dependency, and working with a therapist along with the support I received from the board helped me to get past a lot of my own issues that were enabling my wife's behavior and holding me back as a person in general. It's still a big mess but I at least have a clearer picture of who I am in it all now.

I also think you are taking the right direction by focusing on the mindfulness skills, which I am now, too. My advice for you would be to seek out counseling for yourself if you have the resources to work on your own attachment issues that you mentioned. And I strongly recommend to continue posting on the board and engaging with others here. It has been an incredible support for me and is where I have experienced the most personal growth.

I found this workshop very helpful for dealing with my attachment issues: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

Hope this helps. 

[anon156]

Hi anon156 and welcome to the board!

It sounds like a very stressful situation between struggling for clarity regarding your feelings about the relationship while your partner engages in these erratic behaviors. Good for you for taking steps to control your side of the equation and learn about the skills.

You say your partner has made real plans to take her life. Could you share more details about these plans? Is this something she has done in the past?

It takes courage to admit we have a part in the problems that have developed in a relationship even if the other person has BPD or BPD traits. I think you have a very proactive attitude by asking for ways to regulate yourself. One of the first things I worked on after learning my wife had BPD was my own co-dependency, and working with a therapist along with the support I received from the board helped me to get past a lot of my own issues that were enabling my wife's behavior and holding me back as a person in general. It's still a big mess but I at least have a clearer picture of who I am in it all now.

I also think you are taking the right direction by focusing on the mindfulness skills, which I am now, too. My advice for you would be to seek out counseling for yourself if you have the resources to work on your own attachment issues that you mentioned. And I strongly recommend to continue posting on the board and engaging with others here. It has been an incredible support for me and is where I have experienced the most personal growth.

I found this workshop very helpful for dealing with my attachment issues: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

Hope this helps. 

Many thanks for your reply, its much appreciated. right now i feel very emotional, your message has helped a lot.

i will definitely act on your advice and take up some counselling. in recent weeks i have totally abstained from alcohol which have decreased the intensity of our conflicts, on my part anyways. but today was a very bad day and i am feel awful about my actions, to the point of feeling physically sick.

everyone i know is telling me to leave this relationship, but i dont think i can. i know we will end up back together and the cycle of hurting each other will continue.

i have never been in a relationship like this before in my life... .

my partner has began inquiries into an assisted suicide in Europe, she has also written a will and testement. it could be the case that she is letting me know this and has left evidence around to make me feel bad and to regain control. or it could be genuine, who knows? but i feel her pain greatly.

it should be noted there was much talk of this early in the relationship but no mention for about the last 4 months.

[DaddyBear77]

anon156,

In your original post, you mentioned "the other part of me wants my life of normalcy back"

What did "normalcy" look like before this relationship? What would going back to this life look like?

[anon156]

anon156,

In your original post, you mentioned "the other part of me wants my life of normalcy back"

What did "normalcy" look like before this relationship? What would going back to this life look like?

many thanks for your reply

before this relationship i had a lot of friends and spent time doing what i wanted to do(gym, weekends away, plenty of shopping), i was reasonably content most of the time

admittedly i have never gotten on with my immediate family too well, we were often arguing and things werent too stable for me but nothing compared to now with my current partner

why do you ask?

[waverider]

the problem with exposure to high levels of dysfunction is that it becomes normalized and you loose sight of what "normal" is.

At the moment you have been drawn into the BPD world on living by reaction to the moment. you need to create space and structure for yourself which you adhere to regardless of however your partner reacts.

Suicide threats should be taken seriously and you should consult professionals about that, it is not something you should try to handle otherwise it will control you, and this feeds into it. Do they mean? Absolutely in the moment, but the moment doesn't often last long.

[anon156]

the problem with exposure to high levels of dysfunction is that it becomes normalized and you loose sight of what "normal" is.

At the moment you have been drawn into the BPD world on living by reaction to the moment. you need to create space and structure for yourself which you adhere to regardless of however your partner reacts.

Suicide threats should be taken seriously and you should consult professionals about that, it is not something you should try to handle otherwise it will control you, and this feeds into it. Do they mean? Absolutely in the moment, but the moment doesn't often last long.

thank you for your comments, they makes sense

i have not been able to sleep this evening because i have felt stressed, during the last few hours i have thought back over previous conflicts and started to doubt my own sanity and began to think maybe i too have BPD traits or even aspects of npd. i was diagnosed with adhd by a psychotherapist i was seeing a few months ago for anxiety and impulsive behavior. maybe that adds to the strained relationship dynamic or lack of control over anger and my own emotions

i feel very guilty about my previous actions and how they have been handled at that time. i cant help but think i could have done better

[waverider]

i feel very guilty about my previous actions and how they have been handled at that time. i cant help but think i could have done better

We all think this and it is what guilts us into keep trying thinking we will get it right next time. but we cant, the goalpost keep shifting. What pwBPD want is not fixing, but merely our engagement in the act of trying to do so. So they will always have something that needs fixing. The act of fixing validates their issues.

Having issues is their identity. if you could fix them then you have taken away their identity, hence they will sabotage your attempts. This traps you in their Groundhog day

PwBPD lack stability, they need this in others, and they test others which eventually destabilises others turning them into something the pwBPD no longer respects. Hence we have to try hard to be who we are, not what they are trying to turn us into. This is very hard as they can bring enormous pressure to bear.

Saying no to a pwBPD is very black and white so we fudge it, and give a grey response. However pwBPD think in black and white so if you respond consistently that way, despite the initial kickback in the long run they can deal with it better than trying to hedge it, as they will pursue you right through that hedge.

Having the strength to say "No I dont want to because it makes me feel uncomfortable" No further explanation, is one of the most important skills to learn. They know where you stand. YOU know where you stand, and it is the actual truth, rather than the secondary bandwagon excuses we often back pedal into, which are often the triggers for our anger out of frustration.

Simplifying, and consolidating, your side of the deal is the best way of keeping a lid on your frustrations.

[anon156]

quick update.

i have today engaged in therapy... my aim is to control my own emotional responses, get in control of my drinking habit that i have relapsed into, or even to learn ways to end this relationship.

i am have again moved out tody, due to the constant explosive arguments. i played the hard line and refused to hand over money. my partner doesn't work but has more material items than me, i havent bought anything for myself in weeks. even though she is absolutely in belief she pays for everything, this is not possible... she has no income

[RolandOfEld]

Hi anon156. Thank you for the update. Congratulations on taking some positive actions on your own end recently. Keep up the good work!

It sounds like you're relationship has come to a crisis. Would you consider yourself separated or broken up at this point?

[anon156]

Hi anon156. Thank you for the update. Congratulations on taking some positive actions on your own end recently. Keep up the good work!

It sounds like you're relationship has come to a crisis. Would you consider yourself separated or broken up at this point?

i would consider us together at this point

i have vistited this morning to collect some clothes i will need over the next few days, and reassured my partner we just need some cooling off time, not to worry and lets just both set ourselves straight. she was happy with this and rather calm.

[SunandMoon]

Hi Anon 156

Well done on starting therapy! And on knowing when to step away and take some space to work things out clearly.

You didn't mention if you and your gf are living together?

Learning to control your own reactions - and reacting in a way that honours your core values - is vital in a relationship with pwBPD (people with BPD).

They are usually very astute at reading others and know exactly how to push our buttons. Stepping out of destructive cycles is the only way to preserve your sanity and start making changes for the better. People tend to model the other persons behaviour so this can spark healthier behaviour from your partner too.

There are many great workshops and lessons on this board to work through in between therapy sessions. I'm not sure how many you have explored already but this is a good start:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Click on the 'read more' box at the end after reading that link.

Good luck!

[anon156]

Hi Anon 156

Well done on starting therapy! And on knowing when to step away and take some space to work things out clearly.

You didn't mention if you and your gf are living together?

Learning to control your own reactions - and reacting in a way that honours your core values - is vital in a relationship with pwBPD (people with BPD).

They are usually very astute at reading others and know exactly how to push our buttons. Stepping out of destructive cycles is the only way to preserve your sanity and start making changes for the better. People tend to model the other persons behaviour so this can spark healthier behaviour from your partner too.

There are many great workshops and lessons on this board to work through in between therapy sessions. I'm not sure how many you have explored already but this is a good start:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Click on the 'read more' box at the end after reading that link.

Good luck!

thank you for your reply.

yes me and my gf are living together.

there is a further revelation, it may be the case she has stolen from me. I will find out for soon for sure, until then i will act oblivious.

if it is the case this is a definite deal breaker and our relationship will end.

this relationship is making me feel too emotional and not masculine at all. I feel as though people are thinking I am weak. she is running rings around me, i have put up with too much as has she

if or indeed when it comes to an end I will not invest my emotions again on this level.

i am hoping she does not let me down and comes through

[anon156]

as a further update

yes she did in fact steal from me, but not only this, she hid the money in another secret cash only account

I gave her two days to tell me, and then called her out on it when it was written in black and white so there was no denying

she made up excuses that she pays for everything (this is not true she has no job) and she was worried id leave and this would mean she would have no money so was making safety nets for herself. absolutely disgusting and brazen theft

[DaddyBear77]

yes she did in fact steal from me

I'm really sorry to hear that this happened, anon156.

Have you decided to follow through on what you said earlier, and will you now end the relationship?

In your original post, you mentioned that you wanted to learn how to control yourself in high stress situations - were you able to practice some of that in this situation?

[anon156]

I'm really sorry to hear that this happened, anon156.

Have you decided to follow through on what you said earlier, and will you now end the relationship?

In your original post, you mentioned that you wanted to learn how to control yourself in high stress situations - were you able to practice some of that in this situation?

yes i have decided to follow through with ending the relationship.

i discovered the evidence whilst in work, the conversation and breakup was done over the phone, luckily. following this i was finding it hard to control myself, but took a time out and had a phone call with my mother which seemed to calm me down.

she also claimed that she was saving the money for us, so that it wasn't spent, i wish i could believe this. i am feeling bewildered by it all right now.

a part of me is wishing i hadnt found out about any of it ... .how crazy!

[anon156]

I'm beginning to think I cant go through with the break up an missing her dearly

I feel guilty as I can imagine how hurt she is, I suspect she has cut herself off rom everybody and had no recent contact.

maybe I will go and visit her at home tomorrow, I feel very weak right now and anxious at the thought she will not take me back, anxious to the extreme. although I do know she probably will.

writing these thoughts is making me feel better

[anon156]

desperately wanting to see her right now, I feel like walking out of work to see her right away

this is like a very extreme drug craving (something I know only to well), only difference is there isn't much hope of riding this one out, its not lessening as time goes on

[RolandOfEld]

Hi anon156 hang in there. Love is complex and not black and white the way our partners' see it. Please own your sadness but let go of your guilt. You are doing what you need to take care of yourself and in the long run that is best for her, too, whatever you decide.