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Poll
Question: Which of the following behavior did you use when you were trying to deal with relationship conflict?
Escalating fights with fire or emotionally lashing out in anger
Engaging in physical violence out of frustration and/or anger
Snooping through phones, computers, purses, wallets, cars, social media account(s), etc.
Repeatedly defending my actions (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining or JADE)
Invalidating feelings with words, expressions or body language
Withdrawing, giving the silent treatment, or threatening to break up
Using manipulative tactics to get needs or wants met
Using drugs or alcohol to cope
Dating other people and/or having an emotional affair
Blaming the problems in the relationship on him or her
Begging or pleading to get back together
Other (please explain)
None of the above

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Author Topic: SURVEY | Which behaviors are you using, or have you used, in your relationship?  (Read 1010 times)
Skip
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« on: January 31, 2018, 01:12:45 PM »

When we are in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD or presents BPD traits, our lives can feel like they are out of control. We can find ourselves struggling to understand what is happening in our own lives. One of the best things that we can do for ourselves is to look at our own actions.

By looking at our own actions, we can see that which is within our control. We cannot control what our partners are doing, only what we are doing. Which behaviors are you using, or have you used, to try to get a handle on the situation?


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=307516.0
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« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2018, 01:14:24 PM »

Great survey, Skip!  One of the things that's felt most helpful to me in recovering from relationship with person with BPD is recognizing my own not-so-productive traits.

Thanks for posting. 
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« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2018, 04:13:26 AM »

At one stage or another over 13 years together I have probably used all of the above! Having said that as time moves on I learn what does not work and have modified my behaviours accordingly, I think it takes a long time and a lot of work to do this.

Perhaps for me the biggest lesson is in understanding where I am, i.e. taking account of my own feelings and wellbeing. I love the expression they use in AA, HALT - being aware that I am not at my best if I am Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired. If any of those my abilities will be poor and my ability to cope degraded.
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« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2018, 05:24:45 AM »

JADEing and invalidating were my two biggest issues. I was doing this without even realizing it, or what these things even were. Once I realized it, and understood what I was doing and saying that was totally exacerbating the situation, I not only stopped, but I told my BPDbf what I had realized. I said that I knew I had been doing these things, and understood that this must be frustrating for him. He was beyond happy, and said that he knew he was very difficult, but that he really sometimes just wanted to be heard, and he felt like I wasn't listening to him or understanding him. He said he felt like a huge weight had been lifted when I told him that, and I felt the same. Things have drastically improved with us since that discussion. It was a tough pill for me to swallow - realizing that many of our big battles would not have escalated nearly as badly as they did if I had not also been doing my part to twist the knife - without even realizing it. I have this board to thank for opening my eyes to the things that I could do to make a difference and create more harmony between us. The tools for communicating with your partner have been a huge blessing.

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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2018, 08:46:39 AM »

In our early relationship I used to escalate things to the same level as him and I would threaten to leave him. Once during a moment of clarity he told me how badly it hurts him when I say that I want a divorce and I never said it again to him.

Over the last few years, I began to use JADE and invalidation alot. When things get bad I still catch myself doing it and frequently have to tell myself ":)on't JADE". Validating is becoming a lot easier.
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« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2018, 09:14:29 AM »

I thought I was being okay, but I realized from my time on this site how much invalidating I was doing. I could not relate to his emotions... .I am actually a bit more Dr. Spock like than many of you might guess about me... .but I would just try to rush him past or blow over his emotions. Now, thanks to this site, I have better tools to listen to his emotions and make sense of them. How he expresses himself is so painful for me that I was always try to dodge as he'd steamroll over me. Oops!

I also seriously can't believe how much I've begged and pleaded to get back together at times, but I think it is because he causes a serious level of panic in me with breakup threats and I get sucked into his stuff... .because he always makes it so URGENT! It never once was. But I am a bit programmed now... .I want to break that, but his extinction bursts make it massively challenging.

Anyone else? Smiling (click to insert in post) It's always so nice to hear what folks are thinking!
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« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2018, 10:08:56 AM »

JADEing and invalidating were my two biggest issues.

Same here. I had heard of the same it takes two to tango and I hated that statement because I felt like I was drawn into a fight and the other person wasn't interested in making peace. I didn't realize at the time that it's not the other person that you have control of it's yourself and it always the same fights over and over nothing got resolved.

Nothing changes without change, today my exuBPDw is still the same person that I met back in 2005, she is still emotionally immature because of the tools on this site it's so much more peaceful. She still baits, she lashes out when there are things that are stressing her out in her life, she's still invalidating, she still tests boundaries from time to time but those long drawn out fights that left me feeling miserable are over   That being said.

I see that I've used 7 of the 11 behaviours in the poll when I was in a r/s with women with BPD traits. I've dated more than one all had different severities and traits my ex-wife was over the top. The behaviours are a benchmark for behaviours that you don't want in a healthy r/s.
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« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2018, 10:00:58 AM »

i ticked most of them off.

i think the two biggest that hurt my relationship were Escalating fights with fire or emotionally lashing out in anger and Blaming the problems in the relationship on her.

if my attitude around just those two had changed, i could have done a great deal to stop making matters worse.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #8 on: February 18, 2018, 01:59:43 PM »

i ticked most of them off.

i think the two biggest that hurt my relationship were Escalating fights with fire or emotionally lashing out in anger and Blaming the problems in the relationship on her.

if my attitude around just those two had changed, i could have done a great deal to stop making matters worse.

Same here... .but then I went to the other extreme of invalidating and withdrawing. Or more like, my withdrawing is invalidating to him. Finding the center isn't so hard. Staying there is the challenge.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2018, 03:44:59 PM »

but then I went to the other extreme of invalidating and withdrawing.

i did both of those as well. after the big rows, id need a little space, and withdraw. that makes sense on paper, but looking back, i often used it as a form of punishment, and all it did was make her push for more, so its not as if it was productive. eventually, it led to the breakup.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #10 on: February 22, 2018, 04:50:13 PM »

Excerpt
Escalating fights with fire or emotionally lashing out in anger

Before I understood BPD, this was my biggest mistake. Yelling and name calling really disgusted me and I would return fire with all the scorn I could muster.

Now, thanks to this site, I refuse to engage in childish behaviour that does so much damage to who we really are. 

At the first sign of dysregulation, I "take my ears elsewhere", as Formflier would say. We can talk later when things calm down and I'll validate where I can but any time it starts to escalate, I call a halt.

This has made so much difference to our relationship and how we communicate   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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