Resolve is cracking

[I Am Redeemed]

Okay,
So maybe I am just depressed, or stressed, or lonely, or tired, or all of the above, but I am feeling not as strong as I did when I first left this r/s. I was REALLY sick of being physically harmed and living in fear, I HATED being cursed at, called names, accused of things I didn't do which then became reasons for further abuse, and a host of other atrocities that I try to recount to remind myself of the horror and insanity from which I came.
So WHY do I want to talk to him? why does it bother me that today is the first day he has not tried to call me in over two months? Why do I still seem to find myself thinking that we might actually be able to have a productive conversation? why do I still entertain the hope (albeit small and weak) that he might actually really really for real seek legitimate treatment for his issues this time? He mentioned going to rehab. Funny he doesn't deny being a drug addict, just denies that he has any other mental health issues besides depression, etc., the usual stuff addicts suffer from.
Why is it so hard to admit that he will probably never, ever, ever be a safe person for me to be around, or my kids, or probably anyone who could get close to him in any intimate way.
It's tragic, that's why, and tragic things are extremely hard to accept with finality. That's why most movies have happy endings- bc people want the fantasy, not reality.
I have been taught to always have faith, and never give up, and all things are possible with God, and I guess I just twisted those things to mean that I could get my way, which means my marriage would be restored and my husband in recovery. But that would require his cooperation with God, and I can't control that. I can pray for it, but I don't have any power beyond that. Even God gives us the free will to choose to cooperate with Him or not.
I think at my core I am a stubborn, prideful person who does not like to be wrong. And I feel that I was wrong about this r/s. I thought we could be the ones to beat the odds and become a success story. I hung in there tooth and nail WAY past the point of it being healthy, or wise, or even Non-life-threatening. That isn't just love, or co-dependency, or even addiction. That was a refusal to surrender my pride. I did not want everyone else to be right about him. I did not want to admit I made a mistake.What a high price I paid to hang on to something as worthless as pride.

[Harley Quinn]

What you're describing sounds like progress in that you're thinking about the bigger picture and weighing things up.  It's hard to go through the pain of not communicating any more, but harder still would be to enter into more pain knowing that is the outcome that's pretty much guaranteed.  There is a sense of loss when our ex partner lets go and moves on, even if that is what we want for them to do, so that we can do the same.  I feel for you. 

I thought we could be the ones to beat the odds and become a success story. I hung in there tooth and nail WAY past the point of it being healthy, or wise, or even Non-life-threatening. That isn't just love, or co-dependency, or even addiction. That was a refusal to surrender my pride. I did not want everyone else to be right about him. I did not want to admit I made a mistake.What a high price I paid to hang on to something as worthless as pride.

I can relate so closely to the realisation you're having.  My situation was similar in that things had become violent and it was no longer physically safe to be around him yet letting go of the need to be the one who could make it work, get him well and succeed was so very difficult.   

One article I read here was a real game changer for me.  It contains the 10 beliefs that can keep us stuck, and if you've not already read this I'd encourage you to.  You may be able to identify the areas that are causing you to think about speaking to him right now and begin to alleviate these over time.  It's called Surviving a Breakup when your partner has BPD, and if you've not already read this, you can find it HERE.  I referred to it many times during my detaching and was able to feel proud when one by one I let go of these beliefs in order to move on. 

I'd be interested to know if you feel any of these apply to you at present.  Hang in there.  We will walk with you down this winding road to recovery.  It does get better.

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

Harley,
1,2,4,7,8,9... .& 10, in the past, when I left three times before and returned.

[Harley Quinn]

What is different for you this time?  Have you let go of some of these beliefs?  Does the forced time apart have an effect on your thought process do you think?  Often the time and space away from being caught up in the dysfunction can allow us to assess things from a different perspective.  Would you say that's the case for you at present?

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

Harley,
One thing that is different this time is that I have more of a support system in place. The times I left before, I had been isolated and not really in contact with many people. I did have a job the last time I left but i had only worked there a couple of months and wasn't really close to anyone. This time, I have worked at the same job for nearly three years, and I have really found support from some of my co-workers and managers. They have given me and my son a place to stay, given me rides, bought Christmas gifts, helped with babysitting, taken up money, helped me move my stuff out of my house to a storage unit, and generally been there to listen when I needed someone.
Also, I have my two year old son. Five years ago, I lost custody of my other children due to my husband's violence. After a year we were almost to the point of getting custody back when he attacked me again. This led to some ridiculous behavior that complicated matters greatly, and long story short, my sister ended up getting guardianship of my children. For years I have been working to get at least unsupervised overnight visitation with them, which was held up because of a certain assessment my husband had to get that was difficult, and then also we had to have adequate housing, and our finances were always strapped. His addiction to gambling had a lot to do with that, and also reckless spending on other things. Anyway, we finally were able to petition the court to hear our case and we actually had a chance to get visitation with our children again, and then he relapsed on meth and began acting so psychotic. He didn't even get the message from his lawyer about court until a week later, and then he wouldn't call him back bc he knew he couldn't pass a drug test if the court gave him one. I just couldn't stand it any more. He was ruining our chance to get our kids, after we waited literally years, and on top of that he was putting my youngest child, of whom we still had custody, at risk- and I snapped. I had enough. I made the mistake before of putting my r/s with him ahead of my kids, and I lost them. I was not going through it again with my baby boy.
Seven years together and he has not changed. Five years since we lost the kids, and he has not changed. No maturity, no progression, no lessons learned. Right back in a circle to the same craziness over and over. Domestic violence classes, anger management, family violence counseling, marriage counseling, individual therapy, intensive outpatient drug classes, aa and na meetings, church- none of that worked. The only thing he didn't try was inpatient rehab or mental health treatment. His counselor recommended it bc of the psychotic episodes he was having a few years back, but he refused. He just keeps doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, and trying to tell me that he is "working on himself"- I guess by that he means using the same coping skills and defense mechanisms that he has used without success for the past twenty years. Because that is all I see. And every time he screws up, everyone is supposed to give him leeway and forgive him and trust that he really is trying, y'all- never mind how much he destroys the lives of his entire family in the process.
I just refuse to live life this way anymore, and I can't keep trying to improve my r/s with God, and live in His will, and change my life for the better while dragging him like dead weight around my legs. I can't force him to get help or change his lifestyle for the better. I can't force him to even put his children ahead of his own selfish desires. But I can, and for once I am. I am not waiting any more. If he won't do what needs to be done to have our children in his life, then I will do it alone. My children miss me. I miss them. I am going to be their mother again, regardless of what he does. I let them down before, but I will not do it this time.

[Harley Quinn]

Redeemed,

I am so happy to hear such strength and determination in your post.  This conviction will be the thing to get you through.  I can relate to your situation.  I lost custody of my son through my partner's violence towards me and I am happy to share that I have just rectified that in the courts.  Stay strong and keep your resolve.  You and your children deserve to be together and to be safe and happy.  I feel for you and know how hard it is.  Great work getting all of that support in place.  It sounds like things are finally lining up for you.  We are here for you also as you rebuild your life and family.   

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

Harley,
thank you so much. I am so sorry you had to go through losing custody of your son. It is a terribly hard thing for a parent to go through. I have a lot of shame and guilt surrounding the loss of my children. I feel like I held on to my husband through years of him still treating me badly, while my children waited helplessly for me to bring them home. However, it got to a point where nothing I did was going to satisfy CPS. I remember the last time I left my husband, nearly three years ago. I was in a dv shelter. I left two days before our second wedding anniversary. The day after I left, I found out I was pregnant... .with baby number six, who is now s2. My cps caseworker called me to tell me I had passed the second hair follicle test they gave me (I never failed any of the drug tests they ever gave me) and in the conversation she literally told me "you passed your hair follicle", "congratulations on being pregnant again", and "by the way, the department is planning to pursue termination of your rights to your other children. We just don't

[I Am Redeemed]

sorry, s2 is trying to post with me . She also said they planned to terminate my rights bc the dept didn't feel that I could take care of 6 kids by myself. So if I left him, I lost my kids and if I stayed, I lost my kids. So I ended up going back to him. I couldn't save money in the shelter bc he was homeless and I felt sorry for him and ended up paying for a hotel room for him and working double shifts while pregnant to afford it. I got kicked out of the shelter bc I would not sever contact with him. The physical abuse was not intense at this time, and I fooled myself into thinking he had changed. Not the case. I figured that out too late.

[Harley Quinn]

Have you had a DV advocate working with you in an ongoing way?  Any counselling?  I attended a 12 week recovery programme run by my local domestic abuse support service and it was wonderful.  The women I met were all in the same stage of detaching and it was very empowering to come together as a group.  Maybe it would be worth looking up something similar in your area.  It certainly helped keep me on track and I learned a great deal in order to protect myself in the future. 

I've also just read a book today (have a shelf full now following this r/s, all associated with PDs, codependency, boundaries, validation for kids) called Boundaries after a Pathological Relationship.  It was very enlightening, only 60 pages and extremely helpful.  I'd recommend it to anyone who is out of an abusive relationship.  It helps us to safeguard ourselves in the future and can benefit all of our relationships with family, friends, colleagues etc.   

How would you say your resolve is since writing this post? 

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

PS I love it when S4 decides to do some 'work' on my laptop or send a text for me... .

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Harley,
My resolve is strengthened just by talking about the reasons I left in the first place, and remembering that this is not my first rodeo with this situation. I literally have tried every single thing I could do, and even some that I didn't even have the power to do. I also am reminded that my son depends on me to make good decisions for us both, and I know that he would never want his mother to endure the abuse he witnessed. It's sad when your toddler tries to get in between you and your husband because he is afraid that a fight is about to start.
I have not contacted the domestic violence assistance in my area. I tried some group counseling there once before, but I did not find it very helpful at the time. I would like to start counseling again, and I have been trying to come up with child care so I can do that. Currently I work six days a week as a server in a restaurant. Four of those days I also trade babysitting with a co-worker so we both can work without paying the ridiculous daycare costs. Basically I have one day during the week to cram in anything that I need to do, including visiting my other children, and also I am taking a class online for a business management degree. I had started it last fall, and because of all the craziness I am having to repeat my classes. My advisor asked if I wanted to sit out a semester, but I don't. I refuse to let this interrupt my goals.
I am taking all this one day at a time. I am staying with a friend from work, and I can stay as long as I need to. I would like to find a place on my own for my son and me, and then petition the court by myself for overnight visitation with my children, but I am not going to rush that. I want to make sure I have money saved and can support a household financially. I also just bought a used car, which just broke down, and I sent it back to the guy who sold it to me to have him fix it. Hopefully when I get it back it will be reliable transportation for us. In the meantime, I am getting rides from my co-workers. I don't live in a large city, so public transportation is not available to me.
It is difficult sometimes not to get overwhelmed. My faith is a source of support for me. When I get my car back, I plan to start attending a church where hopefully I can meet some more people and form new relationships. Meanwhile, I am trusting God to provide everything I need when I need it. He has never let me down before, so I see no reason to fear He will now. I have prayed about my situation. I know that He will provide childcare for me to go to counseling when He sees fit.
I also remember that it is not God's will for me to be in an abusive marriage. For months I prayed for Him to get me and my son to a safe place, and He did. I know God does not like divorce, but neither does He approve of a husband treating His wife with cruelty. I have turned my husband over to the care and keeping of God; the outcome is in His hands for that. I will continue to take care of my son and seek His will for me every day as it comes. Beyond that I can't even begin to perceive right now. I just trust that He knows, and I know the One Who Knows. That will have to be enough.