I don't know who I am anymore

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I posted yesterday with questions regarding the intentions of my ex during the relationship, but I've now began to question my own. Throughout I was never truly happy with the relationship, I viewed her as less than me and that she needed my care. In my mind, I didn't need her but she needed me, and I would stay for her because if I didn't it would mean disaster for her. Maybe all this is true, but I didn't consider that I was using her too. In her I had someone who would admire me at least intermittently, even when I withdrew emotionally. I didn't perceive any of this at the time. Until now I have prided myself on being a good moral person, and this is what I present to the outside world. I thought the darkness inside is something every human wrestles with, but now I see the narcissistic plague that infects my every moment. I feel like my self image has shattered, and I don't know how to put the pieces back together

Ben

[benzibox]

I posted yesterday with questions regarding the intentions of my ex during the relationship, but I've now began to question my own. Throughout I was never truly happy with the relationship, I viewed her as less than me and that she needed my care. In my mind, I didn't need her but she needed me, and I would stay for her because if I didn't it would mean disaster for her. Maybe all this is true, but I didn't consider that I was using her too. In her I had someone who would admire me at least intermittently, even when I withdrew emotionally. I didn't perceive any of this at the time. Until now I have prided myself on being a good moral person, and this is what I present to the outside world. I thought the darkness inside is something every human wrestles with, but now I see the narcissistic plague that infects my every moment. I feel like my self image has shattered, and I don't know how to put the pieces back together

Ben

[Insom]

Hi, benzibox.   
What a great line of thought you've opened up.  I remember how it felt when I started examining my own stuff through a similar lens (recognizing my own less flattering traits).  It's scary at first to look at this stuff because you don't know where you'll end up.  But the rewards are potentially great (greater self-awareness, increased ability to connect with other people and so on).

I feel like my self image has shattered, and I don't know how to put the pieces back together.

You are here!  That's a great first step.  Have you checked out some of the resources available deeper in this site?  (Check out links on right side of page.)  >>

[benzibox]

thanks insom, im hoping that's true. Yeah ive been reading a lot, its been very helpful. My tendency towards self diagnosis however probably is not. Just when viewed through a covert narcissistic prism my life and relationships make so much sense. If I at look at my actions, and not the deluded intentions that I've invented to trick myself. I always judge by intentions, its at my core, I thought that was the moral thing to do, but I think im just scared of my own responsibility for actions. Apologies for rambling, my head is racing.

[Insom]

Hang in there.  Take it slow. 

Yeah ive been reading a lot, its been very helpful. My tendency towards self diagnosis however probably is not.

I'm no expert, but it's my understanding that none of us are truly able to diagnose ourselves.  Also bear in mind, it's within the range of normal to have a few disordered traits.

Just when viewed through a covert narcissistic prism my life and relationships make so much sense.

I hear that you're reeling.  Is there any part of this self-recognition that feels good?

I think im just scared of my own responsibility for actions.

Would you like to say more?  Give an example of what you mean?

[once removed]

hi benzibox,

i remember what a relief it was to learn about BPD. and then i started to obsess, learn more, and then i started to over pathologize her. i followed the advice to turn the lens back on myself, and did more of the same, toward myself.

like Insom is saying, hang in there, and take it slow. im not saying these arent valid issues (in fact, i can very much relate), im just saying in the aftermath of these relationships, it can be hard to examine our exes, or ourselves, in a balanced way.

its a really good idea to work through these issues with a therapist, and/or on the Learning board. have you considered that?

[benzibox]

Thanks. The only part that feels remotely good is that I have at least recognised it, but I feel an overwhelming sense of shame. I often feel shame anyway for failure, letting people down, acting selfishly but now I feel more predatory or vampirish. I'm always breaking plans, never contacting people unless I need them for something, being lazy at a job given to me by my mam. I think I may have a child somewhere across the country, with a woman I slept with once. My relationships begin with idealization then my emotional withdrawl. I was with a girl for 5 years and looking back I feel so sorry for her. I would have made everything her fault. I perceived her as less than me intellectually, and I resented her for it. She needed me, I didn't need her. I convinced myself I had to stay for her sake, she loved me. Same pattern.

thanks for the kind words once. I need to talk to a therapist but not certain how to go about it yet

[once removed]

self awareness is a good catalyst for change. its hard (though not impossible) to keep going about our same ways when theyre glaring at us and no longer working for us.

I need to talk to a therapist but not certain how to go about it yet

how do you mean? are you unsure of what youre looking for in a therapist?

[FindingMe2011]

I feel like my self image has shattered, and I don't know how to put the pieces back together

I empathize with these words... .For me, i learned to understand it, as an extinction burst... .I spent a lifetime, seeing things thru this lense, its all I knew... .

The only part that feels remotely good is that I have at least recognised it, but I feel an overwhelming sense of shame. I often feel shame anyway for failure, letting people down, acting selfishly but now I feel more predatory or vampirish. I'm always breaking plans, never contacting people unless I need them for something, being lazy at a job given to me by my mam

Now is not the time, to allow feelings to dictate your actions... .All of this has just exposed your trauma, you have spent a lifetime placing bandaids over. Investigate your FOO, and you may find answers... .

[b I need to talk to a therapist but not certain how to go about it yet][/b]

A great idea.
Take a deep breathe, and realize you truly are, going thru the roughest part, right now... .Recognizing it... .Remember to be kind and forgiving to yourself... .You deserve this, no? Besides, if u cant do this for yourself... .can u truly do it for others?  Remember there is no finish line, in becoming healthier, Its a journey... .I wish u well, PEACE