Do you understand your role in the relationship problems?

[pearlsw]

Hi all,

I wanted to ask the question "Do you understand your role in the relationship problems?"

From the lessons at top of this board on what we need to do to Better Our Relationships:

We need to:

1) to understand the fundamental struggles of a person with BPD and the challenges that this disorder brings to a relationship;

2) to understand our role in the relationship problems;  

3) to learn tools and techniques to help in day to day interactions; and  

4) to learn healthy and constructive ways to develop ourselves outside of the relationship.

As much as I spend time here I am asking myself if I have some blinders on about my role in the relationship problems.

For example:

1) I am not sure I am a very good boundary setter. I try to set boundaries but he runs roughshod over them and gets me so twisted up trying to get his way I can't hold the boundaries so well.  I hold some, but not all... .I struggle to be consistent. Maybe I need a written set of rules on this so I can stay clear on this goal?

2) I like to think I'm patient with him, but recently he said I was not. I felt bad about that and I think I may have invalidated him a bit on this. He does frustrate me because he sweeps so much under the rug, so to speak, and my patience is thinner than I'd like it to be at times. If we stay together I absolutely must work on that again and lift that back up to a higher level.

Do you understand your role?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lighthouse9]

Hey Pearl,

Thanks for starting this thread. I've been thinking about this one a lot, especially as I feel myself going through withdrawal during this very brief no contact phase (only 4 days). It's day two and I'm itching for a hit - something from her to tell me how she's doing, even something dysfunctional to distract myself with and have something to "figure out." It's eye opening. My coach recently asked me "what's the worst thing she could say to you right now or ask you." And my mind couldn't come up with something at first, because accepting BPD for me meant accepting that just about anything is possible from her side. I accepted the affair. I accepted the lies and the brutal projection. (Acceptance doesn't mean condoning, it's just that I accepted them being real things that are possible and did happen). The thing I haven't considered, which I'm considering now, is what if she says this:

"Hey, I'm doing well and this no contact thing is working great for me, let's keep it up."

That would be a good thing, right, in terms of her healing process? But I've started playing out what my reaction to something like that might be - and it wouldn't be acceptance (at least not without this work I'm trying to do):

1. I'd feel not needed - like she didn't need me to help her solve her problems any more.
2. I'd feel like I was the source of her problems - and that removing me is the best thing for her.
3. I wouldn't believe her that she's doing "well" - and would start psychoanalyzing her and if I really believe she's "well."

Messed up, right? I bet a bunch of us can identify with this.

If I'm being compassionate with myself, I can see that this is how BPD works - and that I've learned to react these ways throughout the relationship with her. She's taught me repeatedly that I'm something "different" or "special" for her, so I believe in the idealized version of me that could come back one day. No wonder its such a shock to be "not needed." She's also taught me the demonized version of me, so I also believe that her staying away from me is the best thing I can do, like a martyr. She's also taught me to believe that she's not capable of being ok and to distrust her - so of course I wouldn't believe her that she's well.

This is BPD. A person with little sense of self can erode your sense of self, and when I step back I can really see how much of me fell away in our marriage. As I itch for some kind of validation from her - even dysfunctional validation - I can see how much I have a problem, even beyond some of the things I identified before (like invalidating her or steamrolling her and not listening well).

Not having control right now is killing me. I've been diagnosed with OCD, which was usually manageable or even really functional for me (my career really benefits from some of my tendencies), but in this relationship it became paralyzing and I became super controlling in ways that don't make me proud. I didn't do anything abusive, but I did take up way more space than I needed to in the relationship and that was extremely invalidating, especially to such an emotionally sensitive person. At the same time though, she would regularly (and is still saying) "just tell me what to do. I can't decide this by myself and don't know what I'm feeling so just tell me what to do." At no point (prior to recent revelations) did I put my foot down and say no. I always took the invite and really was just putting my own neck on the chopping block when I did so. To hear now that the relationship was never about her and it is just a punch to the gut, because I'm actually a really giving and loving person. But then I stepped back and looked at it a bit more objectively. She's right - the relationship was always about mirroring what I wanted, even when I was being volatile and couldn't figure that out for myself.

So, what role did I have? I lost my strong sense of self. I lost the ability to put up boundaries and enforce them. I let my own control issues win out, I didn't check them, and then I let myself believe that only through more control could things get better. Frighteningly, it wasn't until I started to back off and check these things for myself and start working with a coach that things took a drastic dive in our relationship. It's very telling. Even when I went on medication this summer to help with the OCD, and things got better, it was like she struggled with me more. Me, with a strong sense of self, probably escalated her spiral and dysregulation. I've recently swung back into control mode - looking up therapists, fighting with the insurance company, coaching her through conversations with friends and even through the conversation on how to break up with her affair partner. Now that she's out of the house and we've had even just a little bit of no contact, I can see how much it's killing me to not be involved. This is my problem, not hers.

Even now, my go to idea is "wow, I should write all of this down and send it to her when our no contact period is up - I can't wait to tell her all of this!" Why? For what purpose?

Ugly truth time... .

Because I'm hopeful that me taking responsibility and showing her all my f-ed up things and that I see them will just automatically get her to say "Oh, yay you see it! Good job! I'll come back now."

It's another form of control for me. It's me looking for external validation, too. Why do I need someone to validate these things for me? Isn't knowing them and doing the work on them for myself enough? If I truly want that strong sense of self back (and I do), and I know that there is no relationship with her or anyone without me developing that strong sense of self, then why do I seek validation? I'm working on being enough for myself and I'm working on feeling worthy of this work.

There seems to be a paradox in here, and I can see it. Before, I mostly got my way in the relationship (her perspective), and objectively someone might look at us and see that to be true in some ways. I never felt like that though, or I never felt it in places that mattered for me. I want a partner. I want someone who can lead as much as they can follow. I want someone who can negotiate and compromise and stand stubbornly on something when need be. My wife might be that person. She might not be. But, I can see how me losing my sense of self made it impossible for her to be that person. I can see how controlling things really was a communication of how out of control I felt. I can see the symptoms. I'm trying to stop the bleed. It might be too late for us, but I know it's not too late for me. And, I know that the longer I try to stay in the operating room with her, the less chance she has of survival. Time to close things up and let our bodies and minds and spiritualities do what they do.

Thanks again for this thread Pearl - I would love to see what work others are doing!

[Tattered Heart]

I am very emotionally withdrawn. If I'm being emotional, then something is very wrong in my world because I do not wear my emotions on my sleeve. I always have been that way and I know that this triggers rejection in him. It really takes a lot of effort on my part to engage in back and forth conversation enough to validate.

I'm realizing more and more how hard it is for me to connect with others. I think at times that part of me is really broken. I like and dislike people, but I can't say that I have strong emotion for anyone. I can imagine that is hard for my H.

I'm also extremely task focused. I want to do things in an ordered way. My H is quite chaotic in his organization and I tend to try to force my order on him, and stop looking at the relationship aspect when there is a task to be done. I can get pretty bossy. 

[Radcliff]

Thanks, pearlsw!

lighthouse9, I can definitely relate to the losing the sense of self and the poor boundaries.

Tattered Heart, when I am stressed, I withdraw emotionally, especially if my wife is doing the stressing, and this feeds into her abandonment fears.

For as long as I've been in my relationship, someone could probably write a book on how I've contributed!  The two big ones that come to mind are being utterly incapable and ignorant on boundaries, and protecting my wife from the natural consequences of her actions.  We have all of the typical BPD issues, but the big kahuna is physical violence from my wife against me.  That hits boundaries as well as protecting her from the natural consequences of her actions.  I should have sought outside help long before I did.

WW

[BasementDweller]

I am very emotionally withdrawn. If I'm being emotional, then something is very wrong in my world because I do not wear my emotions on my sleeve. I always have been that way and I know that this triggers rejection in him. It really takes a lot of effort on my part to engage in back and forth conversation enough to validate.

I'm realizing more and more how hard it is for me to connect with others. I think at times that part of me is really broken. I like and dislike people, but I can't say that I have strong emotion for anyone. I can imagine that is hard for my H.

I'm also extremely task focused. I want to do things in an ordered way.

Tattered, I could have written this myself. Sorry to steal a page out of your book, but I am very much the same, and my more emotional and extroverted partner has a hard time with this, but is improving a lot, and learning to accept that.

My other two biggest issues were JADE and invalidating. Neither of which I realized I was doing, because I didn't understand what I was dealing with, and how BPD affected a romantic relationship. His behavior was so new to me that all I could do in the face of all his seemingly irrational criticisms was fight back with my fierce sense of justice and "take no sh!t" attitude. It works on most bullies, but not one with BPD. 

Learning about those two things and how not to do them helped a lot. But it took two whole years of bickering and utter misery at times before the light came on, and I was able to see those traits in myself and how they were exacerbating his frustration.