My Mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder

[SkyeDusk]

Hi,

This is the very first time I am sharing the information that my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I am an adult and I live with her and another family member due to financial issues.
I would leave in a second if it were possible.
I am quite a strong person and I work, I hope that in the future I'll be able to get a place of my own and sever contact with her.
She is extremely emotionally abusive, often saying the most vile insults about my body parts.
She is prone to rages and screams abuse so bad it is not printable for long periods outside the locked door of my room.
In conversation, when not being abusive, she only talks about herself, she does not seem capable of talking about me in any way at all and never has throughout my life.

When raging or hurling insults, she is merciless, she has no sympathy or empathy of any kind.

Well, there it is.
Wishing you well,

SkyeDusk

[HappyChappy]

Hey SkyeDusk,   

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, my bro is NPD and Mom BPD. The lack of empathy thing does cut deep. Its good you have twigged your Mom is NPD, knowledge is power. Have you learn’t many specialist techniques on how to best deal with someone with NPD ? Have you had any help with this from Therapists or Dr ? I ask because before I got perspective, I was remarkable unaware of the full effect a NPD/BPD upbringing had on me. But then the effects are designed to be well hidden.

How are you coping living with your NPD ? I remember counting the days until I left home. I know that getting validation from this forum and also learning techniques on here has helped me immensely, its a slow process but feel free to ask questions or garner other peoples opinions. If we live with a NPD, we tend to be showered with false news and beliefs, so connections with the outside world are important to get perspective.

[Insom]

 

Hi, SkyeDusk!  Allow me to join HappyChappy in welcoming you!

Congrats on reaching out for the first time to share the info that your mom has NPD.  Is this something you've known a long time?  Or is the info new?

You're in the right place if you want to talk.

[SkyeDusk]

Hi HappyChappy,

Thanks  so much for your reply.

It is such a relief and so exciting for me to at last be sharing my story.
I know that I need to emotionally withdraw from my mother and I am in the process of doing that.
Though I have a very small family, there's just the 3 members and I am extremely isolated to be honest.
Thank heavens I'm quite a resilient person.
I have a Psychologist who is wonderful though I have not yet used the word Narcissist when describing my mother.
I have told him of her extreme verbal abuse though.
He empathised but could not give me advice on how to deal with her.

My mother does not have a sense of right and wrong which is quite frightening actually, and always has been.
To be honest, she is quite sadistic and laughs when I am in pain.
Other times she acts almost normal which is confusing but I have just found out typifies those with BPD.

Any advice would be oh so appreciated, I'm ready to be brave and face the reality of the situation.

Thanks so much for your time.

SkyeDusk

[GeekyGirl]

Hey SkyeDusk, 

Having a mother with NPD can be very trying--as you can see, you're not alone. It sounds like you've been through a lot lately, and I'm glad that you've reached out here and are seeing a psychologist (or "T", as we say here ). It's very healthy to recognize when you need some support.

How would you like for your relationship with your mother to be in the future? What steps are you taking to withdraw emotionally?

There are some good tools here that can help you deal with her behavior. Have you had a chance to look at the Lessons here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307.0 yet? I've found the Setting Boundaries section particularly helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries.

Hang in there and keep us posted on how you're doing. 

[SkyeDusk]

Hi GeekyGirl,

The very minute I am financially able to move out, I will do that.

That is really the only way I'm going to be happy as I know my mother has never changed so far so is unlikely to ever change.
She is an incredibly cruel person, and I actually would love to never see her again.
As far as setting boundaries, she is so volatile that if I set any normal boundary in response to her aggression, or any Narcissistic behaviour, she could demand that I move out immediately, she has done so on numerous occasions.

It seems to me the answer lies not in any way I deal with her outwardly but rather in severing the ties emotionally and forming friendships outside of the family.
I would absolutely love to set boundaries, but it doesn't seem possible in the current situation.

Though any further advice is extremely welcome and appreciated as I'm just new to sharing my story.

Thanks for your time,

SkyeDusk

[HappyChappy]

The very minute I am financially able to move out, I will do that... .As far as setting boundaries, she is so volatile that if I set any normal boundary in response to her aggression, or any Narcissistic behaviour, she could demand that I move out immediately.

What a great plan, to make it look like it's her idea that you move out.

Setting boundaries is defiantly easier once you’ve moved out. I know both my BPD and NPD demand to see you in person and avoid e-mails. Mainly because in person it so hard to put up boundaries, and they also do not want to leave a trail of evidence by e-mail. I find screening calls, so ringing back rather than picking up helps. My two use surprise, so if you pick up they’re straight in with something that knocks you off centre, normally an aggressive complaint about something or other. So screen calls. Also e-mails are easier to strip emotion and great for collecting those abusive remarks. I’ve also blocked them from other social media, like facebook, as this gives them too much information and allows them to play to the crowd. Two thing they like.

I initially moved out into a friends house, but my BPD would come around and shout insults at my fiends mother in the street as silly O clock. This confirmed my friend's mother’s concerns. Then I got grant for university and luckily, back then they paid for housing, I still needed to work weekends etc... but it was wonderful. Didn’t stop my NPD BPD combo trying to sabotage my life, but I was unaware they had these illnesses. If you’re aware you can guard against all that, just use tips from the forum. So do you have a plan of escape? A uni, 6 of us share a house, it made things much cheaper. Especially as the other 5 were wealthy and generous.

[SkyeDusk]

Hi HappyChappy,

Thanks  so much for answering, I really appreciate it.
It's so great that you escaped the abuse.

I escaped when I was really young, still a teenager, and lived on my own.
I cut off all contact from my family and got a court order to stop my mother contacting or approaching me in any way.
Receiving that court order was one of the greatest days of my life and certainly a turning point for me.
I lived on my own for several years during which I tasted freedom for the first time.
The problem was I was extremely financially poor to be honest and couldn't even pay for food most days.

It sounds as though you were quite fortunate in finding a place to live eventually.

I had to return to my family to live, just so I could eat properly and survive.

I now work in the Arts field and I'm quite successful, I'm hoping the day will come in a  few years time when I can rent an apartment.

I have been searching through the book lists on this site and discovered what looks like an incredible book, 'Mean Mothers' by Peg Streep.
I'm going to buy it as soon as I can.

Life is extremely difficult but there's hope on the horizon.

Thanks  so much again for your answer,

SkyeDusk.