I need Advice

[Janae]

I realize I might not exactly... .fit in with the rest of the community on here. Technically, I am not related to my friend (we'll call him Kel) by blood or marriage, but with the amount of time I spend with him, he might as well be my brother. Truth be told, I have not known him especially long- I think we're approaching our third-year 'anniversary' of being friends. However, our relationship is taking a serious toll on me.

He idolizes me, calling me a 'perfect person' and drives away all of my other friends one by one because he gets both jealous and offended extremely easily. He's verbally abrasive to everyone and anyone who says anything he doesn't like, even including people who weren't talking to him and he doesn't know them at all, and as someone with extreme social anxiety this will often send me into panics when he openly yells at people in public. He constantly makes suicide and depression jokes (and by constantly I mean that he literally includes one in every reply to any comment anyone makes. I don't even know how he manages to fit them all in), and not only does this make me worry about him since he once tried to kill himself on school campus, it makes me uncomfortable as I was once suicidal and still suffer from depression. Just recently he threatened suicide just because I was talking to one of my other friends more than I was talking to him. If anyone ever mentions they're in pain or having a problem, he will turn it back to himself and his own issues. Conversations with him are always so depressing and also dangerous. You never know what's going to send him into a rage or a depression. He'll become infatuated with different guys almost every other week, dates them for a brief spell, and then breaks up and becomes even angrier and more depressed. It doesn't help that he's transgender, so he often thinks the reason they break up is because he isn't enough of a man.
All this causes me a lot of extreme anxiety. I shake uncontrollably, get dizzy, and almost faint. Whenever I'm around him my chest tightens up and I feel like I can't breathe. My thoughts get darker when we hang out, and I find myself falling deeper into self-loathing. I don't know what to do, and I don't feel like it would be safe to talk to him.

My therapist, my other friends, and my family keep telling me that this is an emotionally abusive relationship. Maybe they're right. But I don't want to blame Kel for what he's doing since it's not really his fault, and I know that if I try to leave or end the friendship it will hurt him a lot. I'm his longest friend since he's driven everyone else out. I know that I'm not his 'family' in the literal sense of the word, but I hope that I can still find help here.

[wendydarling]

Hello Janae

 

Welcome to our family community. You have certainly landed in the right place, members here understand what you are dealing with, supporting your friend. Here we can support you work through, you are not alone  

You have a great understanding of your friend and yourself, the dynamics where you are, finding release without abandoning.

I'll chime in for others to join us. Has your friend been diagnosed BPD, have they sought any help in the past?

WDx

[Insom]

 

Hi, Janae! Welcome.  I hear that you're feeling anxious about an intense friendship.  You're not alone!  Many of us here can relate to what it feels like to want to help someone who doesn't seem able to be helped.

All this causes me a lot of extreme anxiety. I shake uncontrollably, get dizzy, and almost faint. Whenever I'm around him my chest tightens up and I feel like I can't breathe. My thoughts get darker when we hang out, and I find myself falling deeper into self-loathing. I don't know what to do, and I don't feel like it would be safe to talk to him.

Congrats on being self aware enough to understand how this relationship is impacting you.  Do you two spend a lot of time together or do you get to have some space between interactions?

My therapist, my other friends, and my family keep telling me that this is an emotionally abusive relationship. Maybe they're right. But I don't want to blame . . .

Does the relationship feel abusive?  Is it possible to acknowledge abuse without blaming?






 

[Janae]

Thank you so much. The welcome really means a lot to me.  

I'm not certain if he's been diagnosed- he claims to have been, but Kel is also constantly claiming to have been diagnosed with one new disorder or another. For example, once when a friend described how they'd been stabbed in the stomach with a pencil by a psychotic student at their old school, Kel immediately declared that he was psychotic as well. However, when I described my own experiences to my personal therapist, he said that though he obviously couldn't provide an actual diagnosis, the situation reminded him strongly of BPD.

I do know that he has a therapist, though I don't know how regularly he visits with them.

[Janae]

To answer Insom's questions:

1. He is in my AP Language class, my advisement class, and my lunch period. He is extremely clingy, so I typically end up spending all of those 2-3 hours with him.

2. Having never been in an abusive relationship before, I suppose I can't say for certain one way or another. However, according to the research I've done and the conversations I've had with trained professionals and victims of previous abuse, I feel the answer is yes. Since Kel claims to have been a victim of sexual abuse himself, I don't think that even suggesting the possibility of abuse would go over very well (I say 'claims' only because he apparently cannot remember whether or not his accusations are true, nor can he provide any proof of his accusations).

[Insom]

"He is in my AP Language class, my advisement class, and my lunch period. He is extremely clingy, so I typically end up spending all of those 2-3 hours with him.

What does it feel like for you to spend those 2-3 hours with him in those classes?

[Janae]

When he's approaching, the desparate thought that I hope he doesn't sit next to me becomes all-consuming in my mind, which makes me feel pretty guilty. I find myself unable to look at him, especially directly in the eye, and I have a feeling of him constantly watching me, which I realize is irrational. When I do look at him my thoughts are entirely focused on his body language, trying to figure out his current mood. Whenever someone speaks, I immediately analyze whatever words they used to see whether or not Kel will be offended, whether or not said person was even speaking to him. This subconscious reaction even extends to actions- if anyone so much as stretches their legs out when he's around, my brain quickly tries to figure out whether or not he will get upset. Around my other friends, I'm usually a very talkative, bubbly, and silly person, but around him, it feels difficult to speak, almost like the words are trapped in a bubble at the bottom of my throat (that probably sounds weird but I don't know how else to describe it). I can almost never get myself to initiate dialogue with him, and when I respond to him it usually feels brief, tense, and empty to me. All in all, it feels very exhausting, because I'm on constant high alert and also unable to be myself around him.

[Insom]

I hear that you care about this person's feelings.  What about your feelings?  Can you extend the same care you have for his feelings to yourself?

The feelings you've described remind me of how I feel when someone has violated my boundaries. 

Do you know how to say "no" when someone makes an unwanted claim on your time and attention?

[Janae]

I know that I should, but the thought of doing so causes extreme anxiety.

[Insom]

I know that I should, but the thought of doing so causes extreme anxiety.

You mentioned AP Language class, does that mean you're in high school? 

What do you imagine happening that makes you feel anxious?

One of the most important life skills you can learn at your age is how to say no when your boundaries are being violated.

[Janae]

Yes, I'm in high school. I'm still pretty young haha... .

I'm not entirely sure what I expect to happen if Kel gets angry- with me, that is. My guess would be that he would treat me just like he treats everyone else when they offend him. He uses harsh, abrasive language, stares at them and shakes, is very passive aggressive, and usually ends up ignoring them or telling them to leave him alone or he'll kill himself.

Today he was actually a little upset at me, I think, which (as silly as it sounds) was terrifying. He ignored me, wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't sit next to me, kept staring at me... .and then suddenly everything was better and he gave me a teenage mutant ninja turtles valentine card. I honestly don't know what to think.

[Insom]

My guess would be that he would treat me just like he treats everyone else when they offend him.He uses harsh, abrasive language, stares at them and shakes, is very passive aggressive, and usually ends up ignoring them or telling them to leave him alone or he'll kill himself.

How do you think it might feel to go from being idolized to being treated like everyone else?

[Harley Quinn]

Yes, I'm in high school.

Hi Janae,

How old are you right now?  To still be in high school and find yourself in an intense relationship and witness the sort of behaviour you describe is really tough.  I feel for you.     It does not sound silly to feel terrified.  It sounds scary.  Try not to judge your feelings.  They are like a barometer for what is happening in your life.  What do you think your feelings are trying to tell you? 

Love and light x