Need advice on dealing with extreme selfishness

[FaithfulHope]

Hi all,

Just curious if any of your children are extremely self centered?   My DD25 (just about 26) is so opposite of me.  I consider myself a fairly loving and compassionate and giving person.   My daughter is just the opposite.  She is and always has been a 'taker'.   It is a trait that makes me just nutty.   Since she was a little girl I have been trying unsuccessfully to teach her how to be a loving and giving person.   For example... .she currently has a new girlfriend.  She is a sweet girl and I do like her.   My DD has been putting up hints on FB of things she wants for Valentines Day.  This morning I asked her if she is doing anything for her gf for V-Day.   Her reply ... .'What?... .No'   Her relationships are SO one sided.   Even with us... .she never gets gifts for any of our family.   I even give her gift ideas that cost nothing... .and yet she still shows up to receive gifts... .and doesn't feel the least bit bad about giving none.   Do others deal with this as well?  Is there something to read on this topic?   I often keep coming back to the idea that her mental illness goes beyond BPD.   There is just something more... .ASPD?  NPD?  Just wondering if others have the same situation?  Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi FaithfulHope,



I can see how disappointing it would feel if a loved one wasn’t thoughtful. I don’t have anything that I can recommend for you other than read as much as you can about the disorder. The best way that I can describe self centeredness is short term mental illness that many people go through which is depression.

Depression is tough you have ruminating thoughts, black and white thinking, catastrophizibg, suicidal thoughts, cognitive distortions you really have a it going on. The same goes for a pwBPD many have a clinical depression, anxiety, chronic feelings of emptiness, chronic feelings of shame, low self worth.

I think that both get in the way of interpersonal r/s’s thinking about someone else for example with customary things. Going back to depression it’s hard for some just to be able to function, now somone looking from the outside in might think that the person is toxic because of toxic behaviours associated with depression.

I think that the self centeredness that you’re talking about has hints of narcissism but a person that is mentally ill is fighting internal battles that people don’t see they might be suffering quietly and it’s so hard to think someone else and their needs when you’re just trying to get through the day and hope that the next day is easier.

[FaithfulHope]

Hi Mutt,
Thank you for the reply.   I have read soo much for so many years but I just have a hard time pinpointing what goes on with my DD.   She was formerly diagnosed with BPD at 18 but her self centered nature has been there since day one.   She is just so very complicated.   I just was wondering if anyone else had a child like this and wondered how they deal with this trait.  It is so very difficult to see her always looking to be spoiled with gifts and attention, yet she never gives of herself to others.   The few gifts she has ever given to anyone are ones that she can benefit from as well.  Its basically a gift for her.   Its just so hard to keep giving and giving to someone who only takes.   No-one seems to really matter to her.   She even has a cat that she does nothing for.  Had to have it... .she was living with a boyfriend at the time.  Moved home with the cat two months later.  The cat is here day after day and she totally neglects him.  Doesn't provide for him at all and is never home to give him attention.  I take care of him.   Yet she constantly reminds me its HER cat.   Its just sad.  Her brain just does not process emotions right.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi FaithfulHope, 

I think that being a parent is one of the toughest jobs out there, but it teaches us about love in a way that we wouldn't learn without being a parent too. Some days are crazy trying to hold on.

I've noticed that the dynamics shifted a lot as my 3 kids got older. They brought with them who they were, but the personality and their character traits shifted into a different intensity. My oldest has two children now. She is still who she always has been, but she has also mellowed. My 2nd, D29, tends to have trouble regulating her emotions, and how often she reminds me of my uBPDm - far too much. She does well with gifts but not with regulating when she feels she has been slighted at all.

My last child struggled to even think about the concept of giving gifts to his family members, so I literally had a sit down with him and teach him what was proper to do, whether it was a handwritten note, homemade cookies, a re-gifted item, or whatever he chose.

Are there any other possible issues that you think may be contributing to what you see going on?

 
Wools

[SlyQQ]

Pretty sure its common,

Would have to say my Sd /( who i brought up ) has difficulty separating people from her self

like a hand, your suppose to do things for her not the other way round,

you get use to it.

[DaddyBear77]

Hi FaithfulHope,

What you're describing sounds a lot like what a "normal" toddler, grade schooler, or immature teenager might do and feel. Emotional maturity may be something your daughter never really obtains. My child is only 4 years old, but I can tell you that my wife (who is in her 40s) is extremely one sided in her feelings of entitlement to money, gifts, and other benefits. Other personality disordered traits often co-exist so it wouldn't be unusual for someone to have many traits associated with BPD along with traits associated with NPD.

You mention that it's so hard to give and give to someone who always takes - I completely agree. We expect this from young children, but we rightfully expect them to grow out of this stage. It's really really hard and that's a very valid feeling.

The one thing I think we can, and need, to do is determine what our own limits are. Now that you're starting to think consciously about how much you've given and how much she takes, are you ready and willing to continue along that path forever? Or are you starting to think of making some changes to how you act and react around these kinds of behaviors?

[Gallopaway]

Faithfulhope,

Your daughter sounds exactly like my 20 year old daughter. She has never cared about anyone but herself. If she doesnt get a fabulous gift for her birthday or Christmas, she believes it is because we don't love her. She used to demand expensive gifts from her boyfriend in high school that he couldnt afford! It was embarrassing.

My daughter lives like she is independently wealthy when she is not.

Our son is the total opposite so we know it isn't our parenting but it is not easy dealing with someone so self absorbed. I think this is in line with BPD traits.

Sorry you are dealing with this also.

Gallopaway

[frustratedmum]

I am sorry you are dealing with the selfishness... .but i totally understand where you are coming from. My step-daughter is diagnosed with BPD and she is very selfish from my viewpoint, but as you read more books about it... .pwBPD are in so much pain they really can't see past their own feelings. Our house was flooding during a hurricane and my step-daughter was more concerned with talking and being with her friends than helping my husband and I save our home. It is a really sad situation. Also, I noticed she doesn't ever pay attention to the world news around her... .mainly because she is stuck in her own world news.  I do hope things get better for you! 

[FaithfulHope]

Thank you all for your replies.  It means so much to know I am not alone in this.   At times it just gets to you when you spend your days trying to help them and you feel like you truly don't matter to them.   I have read so many books and blogs and watched videos on You Tube on BPD but I just don't see where she truly fits the BPD mold.  I still think she also has ASPD co-mobid with BPD.  She is so very complex.   Never accepts responsibility for her actions, always blames others.   She has been stealing from ppl since she was a little girl with not a shred of conscience.  Very complicated person. 

For the first time ever I said no to her when she asked me for money.   I have been trying to warn her for months that we no longer could financially fix her messes.  She kept telling me, I'm 25, not 12!   I know what I am doing.   But when I did say 'no', She immediately unfriended me from Facebook, began to post nasty messages about family not being there for her, and won't return our calls or texts.   Prior to this for years and years she would run her life into a ditch... .lose or walk out on jobs,  get into massive debt (both from owing money to ppl and on bills OR worse yet, fines for criminal offenses), Lose her cars (not paying car insurance and having cars impounded for cancelled ins and registration, or running the car into the ground and not having money to pay to fix it)... .we would bail her out because we wanted to keep trying to get her through school so she had the ability to have a career (cosmetology)and time to gain some maturity.  We did that and she still runs her life into the ditch.  Now 26 with no job, no money, and now no health insurance.   So now that we said no to her plea for money... .she cuts us out.   It's been almost a week of no responses.  I know she is alive and ok because she still posts on FB.   When she hits bottom again and finally turns to us I am going to encourage her to consider applying for disability.   I have no idea how that all works and am trying to find out but we need to break the old cycle.   One day at a time.  Thanks for your supportive messages.