Wife divorced me and blames me for everything

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I tried to hold the marriage together. But blame shifting, double binds, rages, and the inability to communicate frankly about almost everything made it impossible to stay "present." When I began to retreat from daily verbal abuse, she became frantic and thought she was having a nervous breakdown. Then she left. She made threats about pressing charges against me if I harassed her, which I never did, then she blamed me for not pursuing her. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. She alone divorced. I objected to it. Now she sends me a letter saying it was all my fault and she tried everything to be the perfect wife. We have grown children. So I don't know whether to be truthful in my response or just let it go in the interest of having to deal with her at family events. I am concerned that her condition is getting worse over time, but she has so marginalized me that she wouldn't hear me anyway. Why can't I just let go? It's not like she even acknowledges that I have ever cared about her.

[Shamu]

I tried to hold the marriage together. But blame shifting, double binds, rages, and the inability to communicate frankly about almost everything made it impossible to stay "present." When I began to retreat from daily verbal abuse, she became frantic and thought she was having a nervous breakdown. Then she left. She made threats about pressing charges against me if I harassed her, which I never did, then she blamed me for not pursuing her. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. She alone divorced. I objected to it. Now she sends me a letter saying it was all my fault and she tried everything to be the perfect wife. We have grown children. So I don't know whether to be truthful in my response or just let it go in the interest of having to deal with her at family events. I am concerned that her condition is getting worse over time, but she has so marginalized me that she wouldn't hear me anyway. Why can't I just let go? It's not like she even acknowledges that I have ever cared about her.

[bus boy]

Hi, your story sounds eerily similar. Sorry to hear of your troubles. I would shut down when Xw would start. She trained me early on in the relationship, if I argued back or injected any kind of input she would resort to threats or get extremely sarcastic and belittling and it wasn't 100% my fault it was 1,000% my fault according to Xw. There's absolutely nothing you or I or any non could of ever done to change the situation or out come. On the exterior Xw was such a together person but on a relationship level she was like dealing with an evil 6 year old. Any type of logic or sense we would try to get across would be twisted back on us as "who does that"  or some other kind of belittling comment. That is why, to me anyway, that it sets us in the terrible state of mind that it does because we are on a mature normal thinking frame of mind and when crazy is thrown at us it upsets the whole apple cart on us.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Shamu,



Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear of your divorce. How painful to get such mixed messages. I'm glad you reached out here. Members have been in similar situations and understand the confusion and painful feelings. 

When did the divorce go through? Is she in another relationship right now?

Keep writing. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Shamu, Welcome!  I'm quite familiar with the dynamic you describe.  What makes you think that your Ex suffers from BPD?  How did you find out about BPD?  It's largely below the radar for most, which is why I ask.  Her actions sound consistent w/BPD but of course we can't diagnose anyone.

I would like to suggest that you be careful to avoid shouldering all the blame.  Due to an inability to take responsibility for their actions, those w/BPD will almost always attempt to shift the blame to the Non, which gets it off their plate and onto yours.  Your task is to let the blame roll off you, like water off a duck.  I have a saying, "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."

LuckyJim

[Jeffree]

Why can't I just let go? It's not like she even acknowledges that I have ever cared about her.

It sounds as though you've let go of a lot of this, just not 100%. I don't know if any reasonable person can ever let go 100% of someone who was such a big part of their life. Yes, we move on, heal, find happiness, live so much more life, yet there will almost assuredly be some of our past with them woven into the fabric of our life.

Just let that letter go. Maybe write a response to blow off some steam, but do not send it. The letter is probably just a bunch of hurtful stuff that has little to no basis in reality. Why give it any credence?

J