Made me touch the wounds on his hands. Now I miss him a lot, driving me crazy.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi there,

I am a 25F female. I was in a ~ 8month relationship with my BPD ex (31/M). For the 8 months we've been seeing each other, the committed relationship lasted around ~5 months.

I broke up with my ex a week ago. I don't know why this feels like a huge blow to everything I've ever know. I didn't think it was possible to love anyone this much. Looking back, I don't think the relationship was real. I suspect he was lying to me the entire time.

Background:

I had met my ex while volunteering. We've had a very casual acquaintance relationship before we've started dating. On the surface, he seems like a friendly and outgoing man - he was articulate, interesting, and offered his help freely. Over time, we started talking more and more and we had a sort of a friendship going on. At the time, I was starting a new research project and he was very open to helping me. We started grabbing coffees and lunch together. As we spend more and more time together, I developed feelings for him.

Gradually, I fell in love with him. ~2 months into the relationship, he told me that he loves me. I honestly thought it was real love. We could talk about almost anything and everything. In the beginning, he did disclose a bit about his self-harm history and how he was hit as a child. One time, he mentioned that he was hospitalized for psychotic depression. However, he reassured me that he was getting better (he was attending counselling for PTSD and on meds), and that he's left the dark past in history (he said he was a drug dealer). He is doing a post-graduate degree when I met him. I thought he was being genuine and honestly making an effort to turn his life around.

I didn't have a lot of dating experience so I told him that I wanted to take the relationship slow. He was very respectful about it. (Is this typical of male BPD?) However, he told me that with his last 2 exes, he slept with them on the first date. He had a 4-year relationship with one and 2-year relationship with the other. I thought he was a stable man capable of long-term relationships.

Then the trouble started.

At first, I did notice that he seem to get frustrated easily and gets angry at little things that didnt bother most people. He would "brush it off" at first. Gradually, I notice that he was getting moodier and moodier as the relationship progresses. Instead of calling me to update me on his day, he would vent and complain about everyone around him. His complaints got more vicious over time. Instead of mild annoyances, he told me that "everyone was out to get him" and a certain female coworker was calling him stupid/retard. After we had broken up, I had actually reached out to the female coworker and found out that it wasn't true. This turned out to be HUGE RED FLAG in my Ex's behaviour: all of his exes had abused him in some way, and it usually involve calling him names.

Around the 3-month relationship mark, I notice that we were arguing more and more frequent. I tried communicating with him and understand why he was so upset all the time. He had extremely low self-esteem and needed me to reassure him, usually 3 times a day. At first I tried to understand his feeling and adapt my behaviour accordingly. But I soon realize that a lot of his accusations seem to emerge from thin air. If I were to pause during a conversation, he would take that as a sign that "I hated him" and gets incredibly whiny and start an argument. If I don't affirm his paranoid delusions that his coworkers were against him, he explodes and accuses me of "being on their side." (?)

Some other red flags that eventually led me to break up with my ex for good:
- During an argument when he flew off the handle at me, he calmed down and starts curling in a fetal position. It made me incredibly uncomfortable - this 31-year-old man curled up into a little ball and started sucking his thumb. I was in shock.

- Multiple threats to kill himself if I leave.

- Hits himself/pull his own hair during an argument. Made me touch the wounds on his hands.

- Explosive anger episodes. Screams profanities at me even when I beg and cried for him to stop. This was the main reason I broke up with him.

- Emotional breakdowns over trivial things, like losing his bus pass or phone.

- Reckless spending. Always broke. Eats out a lot (?) even though he's always strapped for cash.

- Alcoholic.


By all means, this relationship was incredibly toxic and I had to leave because I felt like I was going crazy and I was waking up and crying every morning. It's been a week since we broke up and I initiated NC.

However, I miss him horribly. He was incredibly sweet and tender towards me in the beginning. He was with me when I struggled through a bad depressive episode. He would hold me for hours, take walks with me, and tell me that I was the most amazing and beautiful woman in the world. Was this typical of male BPD behaviour? Was this all love-bombing? I miss this side of him. I had suggested that he may have BPD after a particular anger episodes and he seems receptive to the idea. He swore up and down that he was going to change. To convince me to stay, he agreed to go see someone for BPD, anger management, and domestic violence.

I don't know. On one hand, my ex has this brief moments of lucidity and it almost seems like he can change. OTOH, I have reached out to his ex-gf and it turns out that she left him for the same reasons that I did - anger issues and incessant drinking.

I don't know what to think. If I am being naive, please help me wake up by giving me brutal honesty! I miss him a lot. It's driving me crazy.

[BrownIris1992]

Hi there,

I am a 25F female. I was in a ~ 8month relationship with my BPD ex (31/M). For the 8 months we've been seeing each other, the committed relationship lasted around ~5 months.

I broke up with my ex a week ago. I don't know why this feels like a huge blow to everything I've ever know. I didn't think it was possible to love anyone this much. Looking back, I don't think the relationship was real. I suspect he was lying to me the entire time.

Background:

I had met my ex while volunteering. We've had a very casual acquaintance relationship before we've started dating. On the surface, he seems like a friendly and outgoing man - he was articulate, interesting, and offered his help freely. Over time, we started talking more and more and we had a sort of a friendship going on. At the time, I was starting a new research project and he was very open to helping me. We started grabbing coffees and lunch together. As we spend more and more time together, I developed feelings for him.

Gradually, I fell in love with him. ~2 months into the relationship, he told me that he loves me. I honestly thought it was real love. We could talk about almost anything and everything. In the beginning, he did disclose a bit about his self-harm history and how he was hit as a child. One time, he mentioned that he was hospitalized for psychotic depression. However, he reassured me that he was getting better (he was attending counselling for PTSD and on meds), and that he's left the dark past in history (he said he was a drug dealer). He is doing a post-graduate degree when I met him. I thought he was being genuine and honestly making an effort to turn his life around.

I didn't have a lot of dating experience so I told him that I wanted to take the relationship slow. He was very respectful about it. (Is this typical of male BPD?) However, he told me that with his last 2 exes, he slept with them on the first date. He had a 4-year relationship with one and 2-year relationship with the other. I thought he was a stable man capable of long-term relationships.

Then the trouble started.

At first, I did notice that he seem to get frustrated easily and gets angry at little things that didnt bother most people. He would "brush it off" at first. Gradually, I notice that he was getting moodier and moodier as the relationship progresses. Instead of calling me to update me on his day, he would vent and complain about everyone around him. His complaints got more vicious over time. Instead of mild annoyances, he told me that "everyone was out to get him" and a certain female coworker was calling him stupid/retard. After we had broken up, I had actually reached out to the female coworker and found out that it wasn't true. This turned out to be HUGE RED FLAG in my Ex's behaviour: all of his exes had abused him in some way, and it usually involve calling him names.

Around the 3-month relationship mark, I notice that we were arguing more and more frequent. I tried communicating with him and understand why he was so upset all the time. He had extremely low self-esteem and needed me to reassure him, usually 3 times a day. At first I tried to understand his feeling and adapt my behaviour accordingly. But I soon realize that a lot of his accusations seem to emerge from thin air. If I were to pause during a conversation, he would take that as a sign that "I hated him" and gets incredibly whiny and start an argument. If I don't affirm his paranoid delusions that his coworkers were against him, he explodes and accuses me of "being on their side." (?)

Some other red flags that eventually led me to break up with my ex for good:
- During an argument when he flew off the handle at me, he calmed down and starts curling in a fetal position. It made me incredibly uncomfortable - this 31-year-old man curled up into a little ball and started sucking his thumb. I was in shock.

- Multiple threats to kill himself if I leave.

- Hits himself/pull his own hair during an argument. Made me touch the wounds on his hands.

- Explosive anger episodes. Screams profanities at me even when I beg and cried for him to stop. This was the main reason I broke up with him.

- Emotional breakdowns over trivial things, like losing his bus pass or phone.

- Reckless spending. Always broke. Eats out a lot (?) even though he's always strapped for cash.

- Alcoholic.


By all means, this relationship was incredibly toxic and I had to leave because I felt like I was going crazy and I was waking up and crying every morning. It's been a week since we broke up and I initiated NC.

However, I miss him horribly. He was incredibly sweet and tender towards me in the beginning. He was with me when I struggled through a bad depressive episode. He would hold me for hours, take walks with me, and tell me that I was the most amazing and beautiful woman in the world. Was this typical of male BPD behaviour? Was this all love-bombing? I miss this side of him. I had suggested that he may have BPD after a particular anger episodes and he seems receptive to the idea. He swore up and down that he was going to change. To convince me to stay, he agreed to go see someone for BPD, anger management, and domestic violence.

I don't know. On one hand, my ex has this brief moments of lucidity and it almost seems like he can change. OTOH, I have reached out to his ex-gf and it turns out that she left him for the same reasons that I did - anger issues and incessant drinking.

I don't know what to think. If I am being naive, please help me wake up by giving me brutal honesty! I miss him a lot. It's driving me crazy.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi BrownIris1992,

You're in the right place.  I'm sorry to hear about what you've experienced, and can assure you that you're not alone, either in what you've encountered or how you presently feel.  It is normal to feel as you do right now.  At such an early stage following a breakup with a BPD sufferer/ person with traits of BPD, we feel a great deal of pain and longing for that person, no matter the circumstances of the breakup.  A relationship like this is unparalleled.  The idealisation stage (love bombing) is so captivating and the intensity of the r/s makes for a loaded bond.  We can struggle to detach, even if we know in our heads that it is what we need to do for self preservation.  Many other members here have been through or are going through this right now, and we support one another here.  I'm glad that you found us. 

Others have walked this path before us and gone on to lead happy fulfilling lives.  It DOES get easier from here.  Of course you miss him right now.  I would encourage you to remember all of the valid reasons you had to end the r/s and keep these at the forefront of your mind when you are struggling.  The pain is awful I know, and unfortunately the only way out is through.  We will be here for you as you work through this.  Stay strong and keep reading here and posting. 

By looking at and posting in others' threads there is much to be gained and there is excellent information in the articles to the right hand side of the page here  which I'd recommend you check out.  You will find many answers there.  Meanwhile, have patience with yourself.  You'll find that you experience many emotions and it's important to take your time in allowing these to arise and to move on in their own time.  Do you have close friends/family/a therapist who can support you as you heal?

Love and light x 

[Speck]

I'd like to join Harley Quinn in welcoming you here. 

Indeed, it sounds like you are in the right place. I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other.

If I am being naive, please help me wake up by giving me brutal honesty!

Brutal Honesty:

I would also echo the helpful suggestion that Harley Quinn gave you regarding keeping all of the valid reasons why you ended the r/s at the forefront of your mind. Sometimes, it is helpful to draw up an actual list of the noxious behaviors that your pwBPD exhibited and then read them aloud to yourself and/or a trusted friend. Further, then ask yourself if these behaviors are something that you want to invite into your life on a long-term basis, and, if so, would they contribute to your being happy vs. being unhappy. I don't know if this exercise will be helpful to you, but I sure hope so. 

Stick around - you will get a lot of support to help you through this. We are here for you.


-Speck