She cut herself bad today - "Do as I say or I kill myself"

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This time I really didn't want to me posting here, but my emotions aren't letting me think straight and I need and outsiders perspective.

Things have been really bad lately and I just wanna get out and I cant figure out how.

My BPDgf is at her mothers now, all this happened via text.

My best friend is moving out of the country soon and invited me tomorrow to eat something at his place with his family. My BPDgf had a family birthday to go in another town the next day, so I figured it was a no brainer. I had already told her I didn't want to go with her, she didn't take a no for an answer and when I told her about my friend she flipped.

She pretty much broke up with me and said that she wanted to "adventure herself" (sexually) anyway. I just let her be, fine. It was all bs, she kept arguing at me and said she wanted to go, asked for print screens to prove that I was telling the truth, I did, she didnt say anything and I let her go.

A few min later her mother sends me a text asking what happened. I told her and said it wasn't supposed to be a big deal and asked if something had happened. She said my BPDgf had cut herself bad with scissors and she had caught her just in time. Then BPDgf comes back to text me, completely berserk, says she wants to go tomorrow because she saw a joke my friend said about her being aggressive when I asked if I could take my gf (he said yes btw, I asked him when she said she wanted to go) and now she wants me to pretty much fight my friend over her respect.

I care for her, I like her, I'm scared of her, I'm scared for her, I don't know what to do now. I think she should be commited, she was once already, I'm afraid if we argue this weekend she might hurt me bad and if we break up she will most likely kill herself for good this time. She already tried 4 times not counting today.

[Hlinthewiking]

This time I really didn't want to me posting here, but my emotions aren't letting me think straight and I need and outsiders perspective.

Things have been really bad lately and I just wanna get out and I cant figure out how.

My BPDgf is at her mothers now, all this happened via text.

My best friend is moving out of the country soon and invited me tomorrow to eat something at his place with his family. My BPDgf had a family birthday to go in another town the next day, so I figured it was a no brainer. I had already told her I didn't want to go with her, she didn't take a no for an answer and when I told her about my friend she flipped.

She pretty much broke up with me and said that she wanted to "adventure herself" (sexually) anyway. I just let her be, fine. It was all bs, she kept arguing at me and said she wanted to go, asked for print screens to prove that I was telling the truth, I did, she didnt say anything and I let her go.

A few min later her mother sends me a text asking what happened. I told her and said it wasn't supposed to be a big deal and asked if something had happened. She said my BPDgf had cut herself bad with scissors and she had caught her just in time. Then BPDgf comes back to text me, completely berserk, says she wants to go tomorrow because she saw a joke my friend said about her being aggressive when I asked if I could take my gf (he said yes btw, I asked him when she said she wanted to go) and now she wants me to pretty much fight my friend over her respect.

I care for her, I like her, I'm scared of her, I'm scared for her, I don't know what to do now. I think she should be commited, she was once already, I'm afraid if we argue this weekend she might hurt me bad and if we break up she will most likely kill herself for good this time. She already tried 4 times not counting today.

[pearlsw]

Hi Hlinthewiking,

I am so sorry to hear what a difficult day you are having. I got suicide threats from my soon to be ex as well. It went from being scary to feeling manipulative to ultimately even making me feel a bit angry - but that was spillover from other stuff... .

Anyway... .She is at her mom's now? What will her mom do about it?

You want out of the relationship?

take care, pearl.

[Hlinthewiking]

Thanks Pearl, sorry about whats going on with you as well, I know it's not easy.

She is. She was patched up already, she's back on the phone arguing with me again, I'm trying to defuse but failing. Almost giving up, just turning the phone off so I can sleep. Would that be wrong?

I asked her mom how I could help and she said "Just cuddle her". How can I give love and cuddle to someone while she's at my throat and disrespecting me. Her mom apparently is in denial and isn't willing to do much, her mom has Bipolar too. I know she loves her daughter but I just don't think she has it in her to help her properly.

I do want out... .Not very happy to say it, I do like her very much, we have much in common, but I don't think she will ever change and I don't want to sacrifice my life being her caretaker. I keep remembering some good times, she's a really good person inside, I know. It's so sad just letting someone go and thinking that you shared so much and it's just over forever. I wish it was different. This relationship is different then most, I feel responsible for her entire life, I know it may seem silly but she just doesn't take responsibility for herself.

[Red5]

I do want out... .Not very happy to say it, I do like her very much, we have much in common,

but I don't think she will ever change and I don't want to sacrifice my life being her caretaker.

I keep remembering some good times, she's a really good person inside, I know.

It's so sad just letting someone go and thinking that you shared so much and it's just over forever.

I wish it was different. This relationship is different then most,

I feel responsible for her entire life, I know it may seem silly but she just doesn't take responsibility for herself.

Good morning Hlinthewiking,

A few caveats up front, as I do not know your entire story, as in your age, if you have ever been married before, your relationship(s) life experiences, or your understanding (study) of BPD, or else other pd’s…

All I can do is help you with a few comparisons of my own experiences.

I was married before, for twenty two years, and in that marriage, my first wife attempted (serious gestures) suicide on four different occasions.

That said, ANY suicidal gesture is to be taken VERY seriously, get this person help immediately, for even if they are only doing it for attention (gesture), things can get out of their perceived control quickly, and they could die in the process.

Learn ALL you can about boarderline personality disorder, even if your significant other is not diagnosed, and as well others, like bipolar, histrionic, and narcissistic traits, to name a couple (etc’).

Learn all you can about your sig/other past, ie’ childhood, this will help you to put more pieces of the puzzle together, and also most important, learn the “tools” here to be able to effectively handle communication situations with your significant other.

My current marriage, I entered into, at the time I had no idea about personality disorders, I was completely clueless, all l thought I knew was in regards to PTSD resultant of my ex-wife’s childhood, which in the end ended our marriage, as I could not handle it, or her… now I understand I was a caretaker, and not a husband to her at all, long story.

So back to my current marriage, and relationship, in which I have been in for eleven years now, and eight married. I have certainly learned a lot; I went down the same path as it were that many others here have… We “met”, I was vulnerable after just having been deserted and subsequently divorced from my first wife…, I was an easy mark, I was “love starved”… I was love bombed, I thought she was “perfect”, we dated, she put on a perfect and grand performance, a few dust up here and there, and then a few really bad ones, resultant in, and then I got talked into getting married (?)… as I was in love(?), and based on what, what I perceived as a good person?… then the other shoe dropped, almost immediately… and it took me years to understand why, so read the information you will find here;  “always wrong”… always fighting over “trivial things”, always perceived as the “bad guy”… constant “dysregulations”… paranoia… constant inappropriate  anger, constant “devaluing”, and the big one controlling and abusive behaviors …

I am now a “caretaker”… all that was once sweet and innocent is long gone, and was it ever there to begin with.

It has taken a huge toll on my life, my mental health, and my inner soul, I almost lost myself in this… I am afraid that I will never trust again, I may as well add my age, as am fifty two now.

Half a life time, most likely my last shot, and I am miserable, I care for her, my wife, but she is a handful, and a hot mess most of the time…

I read what you wrote, and I can see it for what it is, you have a choice to make, so choose wisely, with the information on what you may perceive to be the psychological presentation(s)/behaviors of your girlfriend.

Best of luck,

Red5

[formflier]

If there is a doubt if you should get professionals involved, there is no doubt.  Involve them.

Knowing that you are long distance, you can tell them what you know, send print screens if needed and they do a welfare check.

That's really "the most" you can do. 

It seems you understand she needs inpatient help.  I hope she can get it.

Sorry you are in this position.     

FF

[Hlinthewiking]

Thanks Red5, this isn't my first BPD relationship, but what you said gives me a lot to think about. Wish you the best on your side as well.

FF I have no idea who to reach out. Her psychologist is on vacation and I already sent her a message without response. I had found her a good shrink and she bailed on her and I think didn't pay for the debt... Her new shrink I did not meet yet and I don't have any contact info.

I haven't spoken to her since yesterday night. Every time we speak, she tells me that I'm victimizing myself (she's the victim, of course), all the insults she throws at me I need to ignore and when I had a serious talk with her yesterday on how to help, she said she was worried that someday her aunt and her mother would die, so she needed a man who would take care of her. She doesn't seem to be wanting to get better, she wants to be taken care of, Munchausen-like.

I'm in bad shape myself, I miss her deeply and I'm worried. She keeps posting depressing drawings and photos of her trying to get mens attention, she has a very strong histrionic side.

Her mother is "taking care" of her for now, but I feel like she is really lazy and just wants to do stuff to get rid of her, she does whatever my BPDgf wants.

I know I don't want this forever, but I miss her deeply and want to help her so much. I wanted your opinion, because I'm afraid she could hurt me because of her rage bursts, would it be dangerous on my part to see her? I feel like I could be endangering my life, but I don't know if I'm over reacting, specially since she does a lot of this for attention seeking.

[formflier]

If you feel that meeting her is dangerous, that's likely your intuition coming through loud and clear.  Likely best to listen to it.

Intuition doesn't always "rule", but before you "overrule" your intuition, I would make sure you have reflected on your feelings with a trained therapist.  They can help guide you.

If you are in the United States, many times the Sheriff dept will do a "welfare check" on a person.  Give them the information you have and let the professionals sort it out.

   

What can you do to be kind to yourself today?

FF