Still Struggling to Cope

[clvrnn]

 I don't really know what to say... .I've been posting on here for a while and been reading a lot about abuse, NPD, BPD. I feel like I know a lot about it, but what I don't know is WHY. Why would someone do this to another person?

I've just written out a long list of the things that happened within my last relationship. It was so emotionally exhausting to read through and I actually felt physical pain, I had a headache as I was writing it. Maybe I imagined that part, but it certainly felt real. I felt stressed remembering everything she did. I felt sick. I felt anxious. And I broke down crying at the end because I just can't understand WHY.

Why do I want to go back to her?

Why did she do all of those things?

Why couldn't she just see me for who I was and stop abusing me? Stop accusing me, interrogating me, arguing with me, hurting me?

I feel so hurt and so broken. All the things she promised me, said I was the love of her life - it felt real to me. But I know that it was all part of the abuse, to keep me there and to keep me hooked so that she could get ready for the next round of abuse.

The things I'm having to do now are all so stressful. Going NC, having to rebuild my confidence, getting help like counselling or whatever. All so exhausting. I have to do all of this because of someone else. Someone who isn't even in my life anymore. Someone who doesn't even care. Someone who, if I were to contact, would more than likely be rude to me and make me look stupid/weak/like a stalker. So I've been left alone to deal with all of this.

Sometimes I wonder if I am having PTSD. I look in the mirror and don't even recognise myself. Sometimes I feel depersonalised, and have to snap back into reality. My sleep is broken, I overeat, I'm depressed, I don't see a future for myself - and this is four months since she last slept with me and discarded me, changed her number because I was 'stalking' her. I don't even know where she lives. Can you imagine? I've been removed completely. And I did not do a thing wrong. I didn't do anything. I didn't cheat on her, hit her, say anything rude. I just existed and she decided she didn't want a thing to do with me any more. What the hell. After everything she promised me.

I downloaded an app yesterday and found all our old messages, which is maybe what has triggered this. I don't know. I am sorry for the rambling, I feel like this isnt' how I even usually type but I'm so distressed and upset that I just want to get this all out. I wish this wasn't happening. How could she do this to me.Why.

[In a bad way]

I could have written that myself and I am 21 months out.
I too ask the exact same questions, I've never heard from her, she promised everything.
I could go on but you have said it, so I don't have an answer but it's not just you if that helps?

[Amazingkids]

Hello clvrnn!

Do not be sorry for rambling. It is better to get it out than keeping it in. It is a very difficult thing that you went through. It is very hard to accept the situation and what you went through. You are not alone and a lot of us have gone through the same thing. It takes time and everyones time is different but it does get better. Whatever you do, do not try to go at it alone. Let people help you heal.

Usually the way we get used as a source is undealt things from the past. Focus on getting better and loving yourself. You can achieve the dream that was promised. It might just look different.

Take care!
Amazingkids

[clvrnn]

Thank you for the replies. It's really comforting to know others know how I am feeling and care enough to reply and offer kind words.

I wrote out a long message to her (I didn't send it) and I was going to send it. I realised then that she'd probably just get angry, or not care enough to feel sorry. I think my ideal reply from her would be an apology but that is impossible. I never had an apology from her. Why would I get one now?

In all my life there has not been one person who has inflicted this much pain on me. Not one.

I would contact her but now I understand that she is TOXIC. I was triggered by those messages I saw on the app and I realise that any exposure to her is dangerous. Even just reading old messages is dangerous. i didn't realise this before, but I understand that she is a trigger. Even when I was writing out that old message, I started shaking and became cold. Then I started crying (again) and had to get a drink of water and look out of the window to calm down, I started hyperventilating again. This must all sound so dramatic! To think that a person can produce these feelings just shows how dangerous they are.

After seeing my reaction to exposure of her, I know that I can't contact her. She has the ability to destroy me and I'm not going there again. I was having intense flashbacks of her messaging me, telling me she was out with some guy and how they'd spent all night out at some bar and club - I can tell you exactly what position I was lying in, how I felt, etc. Like it was yesterday. It was six months ago! I almost killed myself that night.

She told me flippantly that she and this man had been out all night - they went to a bar, had dinner then went on to a club. I was made to feel as if I was trying to ruin the night, she turned her phone off and went to have fun. I rang her the next morning and she shouted down the phone "I'M JUST HAVING FUN!" as if I was some evil person trying to stop people from doing things. What a beast. I try to be civil and try to see the good in everyone but how can you do that to someone? I hadn't even done anything to her. I was suddenly dumped, casually on the phone I might add, and expected to just carry on. Then she added all this trauma to it? She is cruel.

I would never return to her. I don't know who she has been with and I don't trust her. don't trust her to care for me in the way I should be.

I want more than anything to be over this but it seems as if there's a long way to go. I hope I can recover and be myself again but I don't know. I trusted her and she hurt me more than anyone. So. I don't know. Is anyone genuine? I don't know. I would love to contact her and tell her how this has all affected me but... .I wonder if she would even care.

[JNChell]

Hi clvrnn. It sounds like you’re in a tough spot right now. It’s ok to be where you are right now. You’re going through a traumatic experience. It’s well understood here, and you’re not alone in your feelings. There is nothing easy about what you’re feeling. There’s nothing easy about having unanswered “why’s” and unanswered “how’s”. So many of us here have been where you are at this very moment. We relate to you. If you’re comfortable with sharing, what would you like to be told by your ex, if anything?

[clvrnn]

I've been NC for four months. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted with trying not to contact her. I'm tired of wondering whether she's with someone else. I'm tired of trying to stay busy all the time. I'm tired of waiting for these feelings to go away. I'm tired of even finding out that she was abusive and reading about abuse. I'm tired of typing out these messages.

I am desperate to speak to her, but I can't. I'm so scared. She might tell me she's with someone else, or she might tell me to leave her alone, or she might just be nice and play games and pretend to be in love with me again.

Why do I have to go through this, why can't I just speak to her. Why does she have to be like this. It's tearing me apart. I felt so close to her and now there's nothing at all. Just emptiness.

People say stay busy and I do my best to, but I can't be busy 24/7. When I'm not doing anything, when I just want to chill out all i can think of is her. I wish I could just shut my mind off.

All I want is her and it's killing me. When does this end. I'm thinking if I just message her, at least I'll know what sort of mood she's in or whether she's with someone else.

I love this person. Why do I have to pretend she doesn't exist?

[JNChell]

Bless you, clvrnn. I understand how hard this is for you, and I truly feel for you. It’s quite amazing how a single person can make us feel like they are the only one for us in a world of billions of people. If you’re comfortable sharing, what is it about your ex SO that has this appeal to you? Is it closure that you’re seeking, or would you like to reconcile with her deep down? It’s ok to feel the way that you do. What types of emotions have you been experiencing while trying to navigate your detachment from her? It really helps to spill it all out and get a conversation going about it. That’s what this forum is for. We’re ready to listen to you. 

[Learning2Thrive]

Why do I have to go through this, why can't I just speak to her. Why does she have to be like this. It's tearing me apart. I felt so close to her and now there's nothing at all. Just emptiness.

... .snip... .

I love this person. Why do I have to pretend she doesn't exist?

I’m so sorry for your pain. But I want you to know you’re not alone. I had a very similar experience about 7 years ago. Once in a while she still pops into my memory and tweaks my heart causing me to yearn for what could have been. Then I remember. Everything she told me was a lie. I thought I loved her but I never really knew her. How could I? She lied about everything!

What I discovered was that in order to heal, I needed to fix what was wrong with me. Yes, she lied and abused me. But I allowed it. I ignored red flags that were initially very subtle but by the end they were screaming out loud flames of fury directed at me. I finally had to gather the courage to stand up for myself. This is something I’ve had difficulty with all my life. It’s always been easier to care for and love others more than myself. Hmmmm... .turns out there was a lot more to that.

So, 7 years later... .I’m still working on my healing. Hang in there because it does get better, but it will never be the way it was before.

Sending you gentle hugs and positive energy. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Really, REALLY love yourself and take your time to discover your amazing worth.

You are worthy of your own time, kindness, love and patience.

L2T

[The Cat in d Hat]

Once in a while she still pops into my memory and tweaks my heart causing me to yearn for what could have been. Then I remember. Everything she told me was a lie. I thought I loved her but I never really knew her. How could I? She lied about everything!

Exactly, well said.

[crushedagain]

I feel the same way and it's been 5 months. I don't dare contact her, though I painfully yearn to sometimes. I don't know when it ends. Things were so bad the first couple months that I became scared to go to sleep. I was having panic attacks where I'd bolt out of bed, gasping for air, heart pounding. I was trembling and had my phone in my hand, wondering if I was having a heart attack and if I should call 9-1-1. All I wanted was her next to me, to feel that comfort in the bed we shared for 2 years - a bed which became more like a prison of pain. I know how you feel.

[Learning2Thrive]

Crushed, I’m familiar with your pain and anxiety.  While I can’t give you a timeline for when it will end or at least become manageable, I can tell you that it will only happen after you figure out what went wrong inside of you and what it is that you really need to heal.

I can also tell you that while she did what she did, your healing will have almost nothing to do with understanding HER or why she did what she did.

This is about you now. What is broken in you and why? It’s quite possible that (as in my case) “she” isn’t the one who broke you. She’s just the one who brought your brokenness to the surface. When you get to the bottom of that discovery and decide that you love yourself enough to focus on you... .well, that’s when the real work and wonders of healing truly begin.

I’m sending you positive thoughts and wishing you a peaceful, restful night.

[Learning2Thrive]

To all who are struggling, please know you are not alone and you ARE worthy of love. 

As best you are able, read thru the articles and work thru the lessons here—>.
Be patient and kind with yourself. Acknowledge the loss. Grieve it. Then look inside you for deeper answers. They’re all tucked away, just waiting for your tender care.

[JNChell]

Thanks L2T. That means a lot.

[Learning2Thrive]

JNChell,   you are welcome. I truly remember the intense pain and I wish I could wave a wand so everyone could feel new again. Unfortunately, that’s not my superpower.

But... .if you’re up late tonight and can’t sleep like I often was, sometimes geeky articles that explain why we feel such intense pain help. Here’s one:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

[crushedagain]

Thank you, Learning2Thrive.

If I had to dig deep to the core of myself I think the reason it hurts so bad is that I have experienced so much loss in my life (many deaths of family and friends, people are shocked by what I've been through) that this was just another excruciating extension of the previous ones, but on an even more personal level as we were so intimate. We were together almost every moment of every day. She was a tremendous loss.

[Learning2Thrive]

Crushed, I am so sorry for your losses. Each one takes time to grieve and heal. I know from experience that the intense intimacy with my former uBPD person felt (for a time) like the cure for all my losses. I have lost many people in my life also. Some to death and some due to their horrendously abusive practices. Anyway, when uBPD person left me I felt so ashamed, so filled with anxiety, so empty and so very alone.

It took me a long time on my recovery journey to reach this point (and yes, I had quite a bit of therapy along the way), but what I have finally realized is that I needed my own love, tender care and kindness. And I deserved it. I was raised by a very disordered person who trained me from infancy that my worth was contingent upon her happiness and serving her needs above anything else. I had to come to the understanding that the person I loved most, the one who gave birth to me and the one I should have been able to trust above anyone in the world... .that person was mentally ill, disordered and abusing me (well into my 30s). You see, my hidden little self came out to bask in the intense love and initially perceived safety of my uBPD person. When SHE left me, all the losses came flooding back again and multiplied by at least a thousand with her absence.

You are not alone, Crushed. You can heal. Give yourself time and work through the lessons. Be kind to yourself. Really LOVE yourself. Give yourself special little gifts of compassion. Discover the amazing person that YOU are.

[Sunnyside62]

Sometimes it's a blessing in disguise it's abusive to you you don't need that in your life I've gone through it and I'm still married to the person that abuses me and treats me like complete crap I don't know how to get away because he says that he will kill me if I take any of his money from the sale of his family house or his pension to live on believe me this is a blessing in disguise for you to get away from her you deserve someone who's going to treat you really good I wish you the best. I've suffered for 34 years with someone with this disorder please just move on and find someone who deserves you

[clvrnn]

Sometimes it's a blessing in disguise it's abusive to you you don't need that in your life I've gone through it and I'm still married to the person that abuses me and treats me like complete crap I don't know how to get away because he says that he will kill me if I take any of his money from the sale of his family house or his pension to live on believe me this is a blessing in disguise for you to get away from her you deserve someone who's going to treat you really good I wish you the best. I've suffered for 34 years with someone with this disorder please just move on and find someone who deserves you

I am really sorry to hear of your situation. I don't know how you are coping in that situation but you must be a very strong person because here you still are.