Husbands sister with 5 yr old

[S-inLaw]

My husbands sister is displaying fits of rage, black and white thinking, illogical conclusions, spending beyond her means and has excluded almost all family members from her life. she has 4 siblings, they are all confounded about her behavior. They have always placated her in the past when she has had her little "fits" but they have become much more intense. No one has said BPD, but I am wondering now. My biggest fear is for her 5 yr old daughter, how will this impact her and can I do anything to help either of them?

[Turkish]

I wouldn't mention BPD to anybody. It might get back to her.  

What kinds of fits is she throwing? How is your r/s with the brother-in-law?

We've seen too many husbands of BPD-like individuals shut family members out in order to cope at home.  What's the husband's take on this?

[S-inLaw]

Her "fits"  are mostly verbal ... ."why should I get involved? nobody listens to me anyway" and "I never get what I want" then she does cold shoulder/silent treatment. I didn't give much background... .but it really is quite involved. She is 45, the youngest in her family, no drugs/alcohol abuse.She moved 1000 miles away after highschool to be in the same state as her sisters. MY Husband and I have been married nearly 30 years, I knew and interacted with the parents all that time.  My Husband has stated his father was narcisstic and his mom emotionally unavailable, to anyone, ever. His mother was also a major hoarder. Their father passed away 3 years ago. My S/L was very obsessed with caring for him on his deathbed, then LEFT the house afterward, without a word to anyone, leaving behind her 3 year old. She picked her up hours later and left with her, no one knew where. She appeared hours later, took the child and went somewhere, no communication with anyone, then just showed up at the funeral. I later found out she had done this "taking off" before, leaving the child with her husband, not telling him even that she was leaving - let alone where she was going.  She would not answer her phone or respond to texts, and then would just appear hours or days later. Her mother had a minor stroke last September had to be put into nursing care for 24/7 attention, S/L didn't come out. S/L had "things to do". But then when the mother was close to death, she finally came out. She got really mad at my husband for not watching her child so she could go see her mom at the hospital. She never asked him or anyone to do this for her.

[S-inLaw]

So the mother passed away a month ago, and same thing. Took care of her on her deathbed. The day after, she argued with her sister about a minor issue, threw things around then said "I'm Leaving!" Reportedly, her daughter started crying, "no NO mommy, don't leave!" This time she took her daughter with her and nobody heard anything from her.  She came to the funeral late, sat in the back, then left early. Angry and hateful texts started coming from her to her sister and brother.

[Turkish]

My mother is a Hoarder.  Sounds like a lot of dysfunction there (to state the obvious). This is really in her husband's court.  Is he at a loss of what to do,  and is there neglect that might be reportable? Has your niece's father just "checked out?"

[S-inLaw]

we are all grieving over these losses, but she is drawing all the attention towards her. She refuses to participate in any of the estate dealings. She had wanted to keep the family home and live in it, even tho she had convinced her husband to overspend on a home 20 miles away just 2 years ago.  They aren't even fully moved in after 2 years, she keeps going back and forth (1000 miles) never completing the move or making any kind of commitment to do so. He has done virtually all of the hauling himself, he has made about 20 trips in the last 2 years since he had to move his inventory for his personal business. She has not worked since before she was pregnant.

[S-inLaw]

I will have to come back tomorrow. I will explain husbands stance best I can. I appreciate any and all input. Thank you

[S-inLaw]

Her Husband doesn't say much about her behavior. She has been sitting on divorce papers for 2 years and tells people they are legally separated, even tho they live in the same house(s). He said they had gone to marriage counseling but she quit because the therapist was "siding with him" and now she "hates therapists" and refuses to go. She insisted that he go, and he has been for the last 4 years. I think he is only staying around for the child's sake. She has told him he is not to go to any family events, or talk to any of us (that would be going behind her back) even tho she doesn't talk to any of us. So ... .he was not at the funeral. He has said that she has only said 15 words to him in the last month. I've just started reading the Stop Walking on Eggshells book. I probably should have finished reading it before posting, because now I realize there isn't much I can do except take care of myself and give my husband comfort during his grieving. I don't even know if this is pwBPD, or something else. I now realize I'm not the one to make any diagnosis. I had been great with my niece up until this last incident. Now I fear the S/L is going to isolate all of them and that my bright intelligent niece will suffer emotional harm.

[S-inLaw]

I feel for the child. I think the parents are isolating themselves, and have very little outside contact. I don't think their daughters's LIFE is endangered from physical violence on the part of either parent.  I just think her mother is passing on her own damaged psyche.  I myself have had counseling for major chronic depression. Knowing that, I question myself as to whether I have any justification to be concerned about them to a point of wanting to take some kind of action. Legally, there is no recourse. Emotional abuse is rarely proved as there is little evidence to present. A friend I asked about this, she told me to examine my own childhood and resolve my own issues. Is this not a problem in the world today, that noone wants to/can step up to help another? Am I really just spiraling down into my own childhood and hoping to rewrite my story vicariously? Help me, or help me to help HER somehow.

[Turkish]

What you friend said was pretty blunt.  That could be said of anybody!

The tools in the book can help you communicate.  We have those tools expanded upon and discussed in the lessons here (the best summary is in lesson 3 at the top of the Bettering Board). A school counselor might be a good resource but unfortunately you are limited given relation. 

Sorry for the short response, I'm way out of town dealing with mom issues... .

[Turkish]

We have a lot of good resources for children on the family law board.  Is there any contact you have with your niece? From my experience, and those of some other members,  being a safe person to talk to can be like a lifeline.