He cries but still would not go back

[xyz-Girl]

My BPDexbf just called me to talk about things. He confessed he had a sexual encounter with someone last night, it meant nothing. He was also crying bcs he feels bad about all the pain he has inflicted on me and that he misses me so much. He still is not sure if I am the one, he says. I am so emotionally drained, our conversation was very sad and open. Up to 1h ago, I wanted to be with him, after he confessed what he did last night, i am numbed, not major impact on my brain, I do still want him back and i don't understand why? Even if we are not together and he did not cheat on me technically, I should feel hurt about it and i am having mixed feelings. He is not giving me any type of commitment whatsoever and I don't know what I should do? I don't want to get hurt again. When i start reading about BPD, some type of understanding enters my soul and i become so easy about this whole situation. Once i start forgetting, this anger in me starts growing and i am not sure what i is the best for me... .I feel he is going to hurt me again, idk what to do

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi xyz-Girl,

These are indeed painful situations. My "h" has been off and on with me since week one. Told me at times he was seeing other people, but then later said he was lying about it. He still does this. Seven years later. He broke reality for me at times, broke all I thought I knew about how relationships. It is good that you are seeing these things early on. It is natural and fine that you feel both understanding and anger. These are your emotions. You should not drive them away. Look at them and see what they tell you. Keep talking with him and seeing where he is at. Relationships can improve or they can fall apart, that is what keeps us trying at times, not being sure, having hope.

What do you want to do at this time? What makes the most sense for you?

warmly, pearl.

[xyz-Girl]

Hi xyz-Girl,

These are indeed painful situations. My "h" has been off and on with me since week one. Told me at times he was seeing other people, but then later said he was lying about it. He still does this. Seven years later. He broke reality for me at times, broke all I thought I knew about how relationships. It is good that you are seeing these things early on. It is natural and fine that you feel both understanding and anger. These are your emotions. You should not drive them away. Look at them and see what they tell you. Keep talking with him and seeing where he is at. Relationships can improve or they can fall apart, that is what keeps us trying at times, not being sure, having hope.

What do you want to do at this time? What makes the most sense for you?

warmly, pearl.

I am not sure what this is. He keeps breaking my heart more and more with time. He wants to see me this weekend, I have not confirm yet. I am an emotional wreck again bc I am not sure if this is all bc of his BPD, he says it is not. If I don't consider his condition I would not forgive him. I just feel sad and kinda looking clearly now that he is just too painful for me, idk when our relationship became like this, it was like a switch and everything changed. Seems like our differences in personality makes him feel bad and I feel bad about it now. I feel like I will have to change a lot and work a lot in order to feel happy  with him. I don't think we are compatible emotionally. I don't know if this is a BPD issue anymore and we are just wrong for each other.

[xyz-Girl]

So I have an update! He wanted to see if things would work out, we were supposed to meet this weekend but I couldn't hold it. I have this rage because even tho he broke up with me and then immediately dated other girls and ultimately ___ed one, he technically didn't cheat on me. I feel betrayed and I don't trust him anymore. So he proposed to see if we can try it again, try to reconnect, I was up for it but then the started mentioning my emotional health, that is obviously not stable bc he has caused so much pain in me. He started saying that I might be a narcissist and that I need to work on that and that I need to work on it for the sake of us bc it is me and not him. I got so upset about his attitude! So after everything he did, he decided to give ME! Another opportunity? And i need to work on it? And then say that I need to work of my mental health? What type of person does this? Is this typical of BPD people or he has something else? He is just unbelievable!

[pearlsw]

Hi xyz-Girl,

Sounds typical to me. Yep. Our partners like to flip things back on us. It is hard for them to hear - well just about anything. That is why we help if we work on the ways we speak with them. Learning how to validate, or at least not invalidate can go a long way!

Is this something you've tried yet?

warmly, pearl.

[xyz-Girl]

Hi xyz-Girl,

Sounds typical to me. Yep. Our partners like to flip things back on us. It is hard for them to hear - well just about anything. That is why we help if we work on the ways we speak with them. Learning how to validate, or at least not invalidate can go a long way!

Is this something you've tried yet?

warmly, pearl.

Hi pearl,

Yes, I have tried it and it really works! But he doesn't do it, it is hard to keep focus on that when things are escalating to an argument with no end. I just don't know if I have the mental strength for this. He is not always like this but when he gets his "moment" then it really affects me. I am about to give up on him but for my own well being. I will get to see him this weekend, I will keep an update on that and see how it goes. Any advice on this how to make him understand that he complete broke my trust and I am.not sure about him anymore without making him feel his BPD is the issue? he doesn't want to admit it was, but I think it was!

 Thanks you!