Her expectations VS what I do

[Avrimari]

Hello, this is my first time here and I just registered  because I've been reading your posts for months but finally got the courage to ask for help myself. I've been dating a BPD girl for a year now and each time she leaves I'm left devastated, every time is new and hurts more. I may have a few codependent symptoms myself but I've recently started therapy myself. Every time she leaves my girlfriend is the first to send something back and that's what she always says after we make up, that I didn't go after her and that I didn't try hard enough for her. And that hurts me because every time she leaves I'm left with all those feelings I feel I need to cope with before contacting her and I feel she never gives me that time and then I'm the bad guy for not contacting her. I explained that but she says that that's what she always wants, just a message from me when she leaves.

Furthermore, in the relationship she keeps talking to me about things that don't make her happy in the relationship. Every time I listen and I feel like I try to do what she needs but a day later she rages again for not doing what she needs and not taking good enough care of her. She says she always sees my need and reacts accordingly but I never do it to her and that pains me because I really feel I'm trying for her, even to the point of enabling her sometimes I admit. I know I have a lot to learn myself and I've been reading a lot and by no means think that my girlfriend is a bad person full of demands but I'm just a human too and I'm guilty for feeling like that sometimes because I know she can't control herself sometimes but I just don't know how to read her need and do what she needs.

For example, if she tells me she has studying to do I shouldn't get her all worked up about going out but I should encourage her to read even if she's at her house feeling depressed not studying. If she tells me she needs to wake up early it's my responsibility to get us home early, even if she asks me for another drive. I feel like I do everything she wants but not everything she needs to get better and that leads to us both feeling unfulfilled and unhappy because it's a cycle that never ends. I keep obsessing over what she wants and try to do everything, I don't do what she needs to feel better to pick her up, she keeps getting dissappointed in me until she rages and leaves me and then contacts me and we both make an effort but I'm also made to feel guilty for not contacting her when she left even if it's been a couple of days. And then all over again.

Please, I know my writing is a bit messy my thoughts are messy because even after one year I don't know what to do, I love her too much to leave even if I think about it, I can never bring myself to do it. I want to be happy with her and I want her to be happy and I realize I have a lot of work myself but how can I read her need and make her trust me and feel safe with me? Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Avrimari,



I’d like to officially welcome you to the site after you have been lurking for awhile. That’s great that you decided to join the discussions as you saw there a lot of similarities with everyone’s story but yours is your own.

My gf says similar things she asks why I don’t chase her afte a disagreement she says I don’t fight for her. I think some women are like she’s not BPD that’s her way of doing things and I have my way. I won’t play into drama.

There are a lot of us here that bent over backwards for our pwBPD and if a owBPD is not helping themselves through therapy. Its like those old cartoons were a dam springs a leak and then you fill it with your finger and then there’s another leak  you fill that one and so forth.

The  fundamental problems don’t go away unless a pwBPD is commited in working on themselves. The same goes for non’s someone else can’t fix your problems, a pwBPD are over dependent on others to do things for them that they should be doing in their own.

Do you feel guilty inside when dont something for her to make feel better?

[Margot Az]

Hello Avrimari,
It's good you decided to speak out. Here you will definitely find people who hear you and help you to understand what's going on on your side.
You obviously want your girlfriend to be happy. What you describe is a feature of one  with BPD who needs to work on oneself, as Mutt wrote. She tries to make you feel bad adducing you don't guess her needs. And it works apparently.
Guilt implements a wrong regulation between two persons. My partner often tries to induce bad feelings in me this same way.  My answer to his rage in that case is  at first, I am not against him. Then, if he has a request or a need, I will be happy to respond when he would express it clearly. Your girlfriend, when she leaves expresses the opposite of what she means. She keeps herself away from you and she expects you not to leave her alone. It could be an endless game. Persons behaving this way require a simple frame in which they can act appropriately. Break this partern.
I am sure you will find solutions.
Take care of yourself!