Hey Tiki,
Let me try to dissect this a little bit. I hear your frustration about needing to defend what seems to be very unfair and infact untrue about who you are. what you've done. First, i know all of us need to validation to a certain extent. I think we as human beings have two very intrinsic universal needs. To be understood and to be loved. Validation of how one feels, is to be felt that what we say is understood by another person. In that sense, we are able to connect with someone else and not feel alone.
Justify, argue, defend, explain. I hope anyone at all knows what I am talking about. I think I am sick with JADE. For some reason when people make false allegations about me I have a hard time clearing them out of my head. Factual and true allegations are easier to work with because if even if something is horrrible if it’s true we have ways to process it.
Tiki, you are fine the way you are. You are not alone in how you feel. Seeking to be understood is part of being human. But i think who validates us and where we get validation from, is more important. The deeper question i'd ask you, dear Tiki, is how do you feel about yourself? How a person feels about himself / herself determines the reaction and responses to such matters.
Take for example a rare uncut diamond. If you present it to an average person, they may just think of it as a piece of hard glass-rock. However, if you gave that very same piece of rare uncut diamond to an expert appraiser, they'd say it might be worth a million dollars. What i'm saying Tiki is this,
don't let someone who might not know your worth define you. It doesn't matter what they say about you. They don't know what is your true
value, a 1,000 dollar bill whether dirty or clean, is still worth a 1,000 dollars, even after it's stepped and trampled upon. Don't believe what they say about you, especially if you know with a good measure that what the person is saying, isn't true! For all you know, the person may be consciously or subconsciously trying to "gaslight" you. The definition of gaslighting is, and i quote "Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed."
Here is the link for citation purposes
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting ( taken from psychology today )
My brain has problems clearing false allegations though and I don’t know how to deal with it. It actually hurts me because it’s like my brain rises up to defend myself but it’s never enough. I guesss I hear the bs allegations over again in my mind and it’s like I just forever fruitlessly try to defend myself.
Tiki, its okay to ruminate, we all do. I did, i searched the internet high and low to make sense of my own reality dealing with my ex. It wore me out, i got frustrated, depressed, angry... .etc. There are somethings we won't understand, and i've left it as that. It came to the point where ruminating didn't give me new insight, it was just depleting my energy and affecting my health. To answer your question about suffering, yes it hurt, and it hurt alot. I'm in no way trying to diminish your suffering. Each person's suffering is unique but we all feel pain and hurt in the midst of that process.
So, Tiki, try not to go there, or go there less. Do something positive, don't isolate yourself,
be with people who love you and appreciate your presence instead of people who put you down. You don't need to defend yourself. Be with people who love you, build you up, and tell you difficult things with love. So please just let me gently nudge you in the reverse direction.
But it’s not really to myself I guess it’s to the person who said it who can’t hear me and would never be willing to listen.
Tiki, if you had encountered someone who display's symptoms of BPD or has been clinically diagnosed, these individuals tend to form their own idea or reality. What they perceive is shaped by how they feel, therefore they shape their perceived reality according to how they feel in that moment. When emotional dysregulation happens for a individual with BPD, their reality becomes distorted. They may even fully believe they reality they tell you. It's just what it is.
It is difficult for some people with BPD to listen constructively, at least my uBPDexGF couldn't. There was high mistrust, she didn't connect emotionally like how others would and therefore when there is no trust, you won't listen. That is one paradigm of their worldview, which i guess is a whole topic on its own. It's okay Tiki, as hard as it may be, that this person wouldn't listen to you or hear your reasoning. Do you thnk you really need this person to listen to you? Just pause for a moment and ponder about the above. This person doesn't own you and I hope I could help you see that you are free. I know you must be feeling confused and still emotionally attached and that will take time to heal.
Be patient with yourself, and don't beat yourself up too much. Hope this helps, Tiki and you are certainly not alone in this.
Takecare and take heart.
Spero
