One of our breakups (a glimpse at her logic)

[Depression = 72% of members]

I haven’t posted for myself for a bit and I feel the need to vent. After we reconciled from big breakup #1 things went back to being bad pretty quickly. After she had moved out after the breakup, I asked her what her plan was and how she planned to get by, aside from moving back in with her mom. Speck, if you’re reading this, #5! Anyway, one of her responses was that she wanted to become more independent and self sufficient. Her response surprised me, but I saw it as a positive and tried to be supportive. Once we were back together, but not living together, the brakes needed to be replaced on the vehicle that I was letting her use and that she would later extort from me. She immediately turned to me for the money. I reminded her about what she had told me about becoming more self sufficient and asked why the repair was being dumped on me. Big mistake. She blew up. She showed up with our Son, not even a year old yet, and literally dumped him in bed with me. When I got up, I saw that she had dumped me via Facebook. We went back and forth over text. Same routine. It ended up in me being a bad Father and her ex husband offered to pay for her repair. The ex husband who was the devil incarnate when I met her was now the golden boy that cared more about his daughter than I cared about our Son, etc. it’s amazing how we go back to this time and time again. I’m so glad that I found this site.

[JNChell]

I haven’t posted for myself for a bit and I feel the need to vent. After we reconciled from big breakup #1 things went back to being bad pretty quickly. After she had moved out after the breakup, I asked her what her plan was and how she planned to get by, aside from moving back in with her mom. Speck, if you’re reading this, #5! Anyway, one of her responses was that she wanted to become more independent and self sufficient. Her response surprised me, but I saw it as a positive and tried to be supportive. Once we were back together, but not living together, the brakes needed to be replaced on the vehicle that I was letting her use and that she would later extort from me. She immediately turned to me for the money. I reminded her about what she had told me about becoming more self sufficient and asked why the repair was being dumped on me. Big mistake. She blew up. She showed up with our Son, not even a year old yet, and literally dumped him in bed with me. When I got up, I saw that she had dumped me via Facebook. We went back and forth over text. Same routine. It ended up in me being a bad Father and her ex husband offered to pay for her repair. The ex husband who was the devil incarnate when I met her was now the golden boy that cared more about his daughter than I cared about our Son, etc. it’s amazing how we go back to this time and time again. I’m so glad that I found this site.

[spero]

Anyway, one of her responses was that she wanted to become more independent and self sufficient. Her response surprised me, but I saw it as a positive and tried to be supportive. Once we were back together, but not living together, the brakes needed to be replaced on the vehicle that I was letting her use and that she would later extort from me. She immediately turned to me for the money. I reminded her about what she had told me about becoming more self sufficient and asked why the repair was being dumped on me. Big mistake. She blew up. She showed up with our Son, not even a year old yet, and literally dumped him in bed with me.

Hey there JNChell,

I'm gonna first take the approach of your partner's logic... I suppose it isn't in our worldview logical per se. It is for them in their frame of mind logical, but not you and me perhaps. My uBPDexGF had the ability to rationalise. She said that she set me up for a test, but failed me even before i was put on it. In that sense, JNChell most of the time, the odds are stacked against you and I.

Your attempt at reasoning might have triggered some negative emotion which could have then resulted in the responses played out before you, or she could have been projecting, this one might sound far fetched, but sometimes when a person sets us up for failure and yet we respond positively, there might be some level of cognitive dissonance, which in itself may then trigger a negative reaction in an attempt to "fit" us back into the way they perceive us.

 And, when we react in the way they want us to, it then feeds back into their own negavitiy which reaffirms themselves "see, told you this person would behave like that. He ain't gonna change." It's like making us fit their version of us and ... .crying wolf to others... .see he was this mean and bad to me. He was going to leave me anyways! I've come to think that reality isn't the only thing a person with BPD distorts. They distort others and make them fit into their own sense of distorted reality. It goes into the deeper underlying issue of making reality fit their own distorted facts.

When I got up, I saw that she had dumped me via Facebook. We went back and forth over text. Same routine. It ended up in me being a bad Father and her ex husband offered to pay for her repair.

The blocking, unfriending, nonsensical fights, sound very typical for me. Don't ever buy in you're a bad father hogwash. I've been accused of being selfish and i challenged that notion with my uBPDexGF and she had nothing further to say about it. The accusations may very well be your partner's conscious or subconscious projection of negative feelings unto you.

Takecare, JNChell.
Stay safe, stay cool, stay sane and grounded.

Spero

[gearshifted]

Hey there JNChell,

I'm gonna first take the approach of your partner's logic... I suppose it isn't in our worldview logical per se. It is for them in their frame of mind logical, but not you and me perhaps. My uBPDexGF had the ability to rationalise. She said that she set me up for a test, but failed me even before i was put on it. In that sense, JNChell most of the time, the odds are stacked against you and I.

Your attempt at reasoning might have triggered some negative emotion which could have then resulted in the responses played out before you, or she could have been projecting, this one might sound far fetched, but sometimes when a person sets us up for failure and yet we respond positively, there might be some level of cognitive dissonance, which in itself may then trigger a negative reaction in an attempt to "fit" us back into the way they perceive us.

 And, when we react in the way they want us to, it then feeds back into their own negavitiy which reaffirms themselves "see, told you this person would behave like that. He ain't gonna change." It's like making us fit their version of us and ... .crying wolf to others... .see he was this mean and bad to me. He was going to leave me anyways! I've come to think that reality isn't the only thing a person with BPD distorts. They distort others and make them fit into their own sense of distorted reality. It goes into the deeper underlying issue of making reality fit their own distorted facts.

The blocking, unfriending, nonsensical fights, sound very typical for me. Don't ever buy in you're a bad father hogwash. I've been accused of being selfish and i challenged that notion with my uBPDexGF and she had nothing further to say about it. The accusations may very well be your partner's conscious or subconscious projection of negative feelings unto you.

Takecare, JNChell.
Stay safe, stay cool, stay sane and grounded.

Spero

Oh man, this is why I love this forum. Every time I read a post like this it reminds me of something that drove me completely nuts with my dBPDexgf. There were times in the middle of the relationship where, although I didn't have all the proper tools and knowledge, I was REALLY trying. I would stay amazingly calm during her storms, and just try to be validating, calm, and very reasoned in my approach to her. I could literally face a category 5 hurricane for an hour or so, and then as soon as she heard a hint of annoyance or frustration in my tone, she was INSTANTLY validated in her feeling that I was "pissed off and hated her". God, this logic was SO frustrating.

[Speck]

Speck, if you’re reading this, #5!

Oh, I'm totally reading this, bro. And, yeah... .never violate #5. It's never worth finding out why they live with their parents.

Anyway, one of her responses was that she wanted to become more independent and self sufficient.

Well, she may one day learn this thing called maturity, but it may not be in the lifetime of your involvement... .if your son is one-ish, then you've got 17 more years to find out if your ex ever discovers maturity.

She showed up with our Son, not even a year old yet, and literally dumped him in bed with me. When I got up, I saw that she had dumped me via Facebook.

All, not cool. I'm so sorry you've been subjected to this type of drama. So, unnecessary.

it’s amazing how we go back to this time and time again.

Yes. It's very frustrating how conflicts never really resolve with our pwBPD. Like, cry-my-eyeballs-out-frustrating. I don't know what else to say, here, except that I understand you, I hear you, and I believe you.

I’m so glad that I found this site.

We are so glad you did, too! You know the deal, keep writing if it helps.


-Speck