How do we reestablish communication with our adult daughter?

[Bruno884]

Our daughter is married and 37 with two daughters: one is 3 1/2 and the other is 4 months old.
Since the birth of the youngest, our daughter has had physical issues that out-patient surgery (we hope) has solved. Also the older girl's sensory perception issues have gotten worse since mom isn't feeling well and also the birth of a sibling and all that a new baby requires.

Our daughter asked us to come  and help out when she had the surgery. We did so happily. That was a month ago... .we could tell she was having issues. She raged at me and then both of us. She's very good with the girls though. No, she's excellent with them especially the 3 year old who has terrible outbursts when she has to transition. ie.playing to eating or playing to going on potty etc. My husband and I had no trouble accepting and helping with her behavior. However, we were intimidated and confused by our daughters several rages at us and reacted with questions and denials. They were unrealistic harangues and we got confused.(We are 70 years old)

So when she "thanked" us for coming and asked us to leave  the following day(we were only there days)we were surprised and I guess "hurt" so we checked the weather which was appalling for that particular day. (We had a 10 hour drive back to our home) Since it was the middle of the morning, we explained the weather situation and that it would be better for us to leave now. So we packed and had half our stuff  in the car and then she said that she wanted us to stay. The tension was evident when she first wanted us to leave and since we had half in the car we said we'll just go and visit another time. All was said very calmly. So we waved "bye" she texted us that we could still come back while we began our trip and I texted its "ok" this is probably better... .

After we got home we realized that we should have stayed because she was in the throws of a great deal of stress but we were so confused... .
She hasn't returned our calls, texts or e-mails and its now over a month since we left. We don't know what to do... .we miss her and the "girls" so much!
We initially texted and e-mailed our apologizes and I continue to call every Tuesday with love and best wishes and asking for her to call so we can hear her lovely voice BUT nothing... .help, what should we do? Nothing... .continue to call... .drive there?

She. our daughter, was in therapy a few years before she was married (2011) for BPD and did well... .I did talk to her during our visit about therapy/consultation for her 3 year old, thinking this would help our daughter also. She was opposed;choosing to deal through books and the internet with this problem.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Bruno884

Welcome, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through with your daughter, it is so confusing isn’t it when we get mixed signals and we end up not knowing what to do for the best.

It’s such a tiring and emotional time with a new baby and an older child too, with her needs and wants to see to. Add to that your daughters post delivery surgery, it sounds like she has had so much to contend with in a short space of time. Have you wondered whether your daughter might be suffering a little with post natal depression?

quote Bruno884
So when she "thanked" us for coming and asked us to leave  the following day(we were only there days)we were surprised and I guess "hurt" so we checked the weather which was appalling for that particular day. (We had a 10 hour drive back to our home) Since it was the middle of the morning, we explained the weather situation and that it would be better for us to leave now. So we packed and had half our stuff  in the car and then she said that she wanted us to stay. The tension was evident when she first wanted us to leave and since we had half in the car we said we'll just go and visit another time. All was said very calmly. So we waved "bye" she texted us that we could still come back while we began our trip and I texted its "ok" this is probably better... .

After we got home we realized that we should have stayed because she was in the throws of a great deal of stress but we were so confused... .

I can understand that you were feeling hurt when your daughter asked you to leave, no doubt you had been looking forward to seeing your daughter and your two young grandchildren.
She texted you after you left to say that you could still come back, do you think she may have regretted her earlier behaviour?
Once you got home you realised that you should have stayed. How often have we all done that? In the heat of the moment it is so easy to make bad decisions. You realised and tried to make amends by apologising, you couldn’t have done anything more, and now she is ignoring any contact you try to make. It must be devastating for you, I know how I felt when my uBPD son cut me off.

You say that your daughter has a BPD diagnosis, fear of abandonment is one of the issues they face. Do you think your daughter may have felt abandoned by you when you didn’t go back to her? That could have triggered her current behaviour.
She is probably taking time out to process her feelings. I’m also wondering whether the weekly calls asking her to call you back are putting her under strain. Maybe call her and just let her know that you love her and are there for her. What do you think to that?

[Huat]

Hi Bruno884.

It is, indeed, a hurtful feeling when one of our children cut us out of their lives, especially when we try so hard to do everything "right."  So many here (me included!) can attest to that.

Thinking of what your daughter was going through... .new baby... .post surgery... .more bodies than normal in the house... .a lot to handle for anyone's system. 

Remembering way-back-when, I would get edgy if someone, other than me, was disciplining my child.   With that said, you were asked to help and that is what you were doing when you were disciplining the 3 1/2 year old.  Touchy situation, for sure!

I can well imagine the mixed messages that were going between you and your daughter.  The weather warning you had to heed if you wanted a safe commute back home but your leaving was right at the time when tensions were high.   When your daughter's breaking point came and she asked you to leave... .when she was able to calm down she did send you a text... .an olive branch?  That would have been a difficult thing for her to do.

So, as Feeling Better has written, your daughter is probably now taking a "time out"... .drawing from the counselling she received a few years ago.   Time-outs are always good.

In my opinion, I think it is good that you are continuing to reach out... .but maybe just leave it at "I love you" for now.  That lets her know you are thinking of her and then let her come to you when the dust settles.

Hope you keep posting, Bruno884.  Let us know how the situation unfolds.  Others learn from your experiences.  Hard, hard role to be a parent!

Huat