Rage at work? Confused as hell.

[Edenalterego]

So not sure if any of you experienced this but since we broke up ex BPD gf has raged at me at work (yelling at me, calling me names, telling my manager that I disrespect her and etc and she also talked to all other co workers and told them that I am a liar and that I want her back which isnt true) and I told my manager that she treat me like this but it seems like my manager and all coworker believe that she is the victim and they all started to treat me with distance and I feel very alone and hurt. I have always been a great worker and everyone used to like me a lot but now they all dislike me? Especially that they all think my ex BPD gf is an amazing, awfully sweet cute little girl who is kind and just childish sometimes. I feel wronged and it is unfair and when I do report to my manager about her behavior to me at work he seems to disregard it and takes her side? I am so hurt I don't know what to do anymore. She is so good at this that I almost started to believe I am the crazy one here. What should I even do? Could anyone advise? I dont think they will see the truth because they used to be on my side then she played victim... .I feel like I messed up because when we were going through the break up I told my co workers that its because she cheated on me which is true, and I only told them because they asked. Now my ex is telling everyone that I am imagining things and am crazy. Like I am starting to feel like the crazy one... .She is officially diagnosed with BPD and shes never at fault, it was always my fault according to her. Any advice and help as to how to deal with this at work will be greatly appreciated. Please. Or if you have a similar experience let me know. I will never see the light of the day because even grey rock doesnt work because she complains to my manager saying I am not communicative and unprofessional and disrespecting her. I am about to slip into another depression if it continues. It's been 5 months at work like this and always when my manager or co worker is around she is exceptionally nice to me! I am at a loss.

[enlighten me]

Its a tough one but eventually the others will see her real self. You may have to endure a lot more accusations. Don't react to them. Become the grey man. If your manager starts to treat you badly then try having a word with them. Explain that they are taking sides based on one persons point of view and that its not fair. Ask them if your ex is lying then where does that leave him as a manager?

Based on your experience with her how long do you think it will be before cracks in her story start to show? What field do you work in and whats her position there?

[Harley Quinn]

Eden,

Your boss has a duty of care for you in the workplace.  If you make a formal complaint it must be taken seriously or you should escalate it.  Do you have a HR/personnel representative with whom you could speak?  I don't know what your workplace structure is, but could you ask to be transferred to a different department or something to mean that you no longer have to work in such close proximity?

Love and light x

[Edenalterego]

Explain that they are taking sides based on one persons point of view and that its not fair. Ask them if your ex is lying then where does that leave him as a manager?

This is what makes me feel even worse, my manager HAS heard my side. He said I complained too much about her and it's all in my head. I am not exactly sure what my ex has said to my manager but they have talked after I reported her behavior. And this is when my manager has an 180 attitude change towards me. Perhaps she told me I just want to get her in trouble? Or that I just wanted her attention? These are a few I have heard. My co-workers and manager all knew we were dating and that we broke up. They just never knew the inside story and believed I was here to make her look bad because I was hurt. Like no, I swear to god I just want to keep my distance and work and earn money and I DON'T want any communication with her if possible (which is not possible). Not sure what I can do now. Ignore her rage? Let her treat me like ___ when no one is around? I didn't want to change my job because I was here a lot longer and I was almost hitting a promotion before her stuff starts happening. I wish I had never gotten involved with her.

Based on your experience with her how long do you think it will be before cracks in her story start to show? What field do you work in and whats her position there?

Based on my experience with her, she is a true con artist. She won't show any of her bad side when my manager is around and she will be so nice to me, chat me up and all and I feel disgusted, and all my coworkers either are too scared to report or have became her flying monkeys who deeply believed I was the crazy one and that her actions are justified . As soon as my manager is gone she treats me terribly, and she has the gut to report to my manager saying "I" treat her opposite when he's not around. What a liar! I don't even know if it's her projection or part of her smear scheme anymore. She won't slip at all is what I think. I work at a business company and she and I held the same position, which is assistant manager for a specific location (she played perfect employee so she could get a promo after only 6 months of working there! Ridiculous). She rages and ignore all I say when it comes to work and if I ignore her back she will report to my manager saying that I disrespected her and that I am not suitable to hold a position like this if I were to ignore her requests regarding work. I really can't give up this job right now because I am in need of money after she spent all of it when we were together, how ironic .

[Edenalterego]

Eden,

Do you have a HR/personnel representative with whom you could speak?  I don't know what your workplace structure is, but could you ask to be transferred to a different department or something to mean that you no longer have to work in such close proximity?

Love and light x

Hey Harley,
I do have an HR I can contact, however in doing so will definitely place me on the opposite side of my manager. It's like the triangle , now she made me out to be a prosecutor, her the victim, and my manager the rescuer. If I speak with someone higher than my manager wouldn't it secure my manager's belief that I am the bad one? I dislike drama. I also dislike to be framed. I feel very betrayed and alone in fighting this. I could ask for a transfer, which is what I probably would end up doing or get a new job in a few months, but as of right now I couldn't have done so due to my personal finance and my workload. Would enduring her behavior towards me be the only solution at work?

[Harley Quinn]

When did all of this start Eden?  :)id something happen to prompt this behaviour recently or has it been ongoing since the split?  In your shoes I would ensure you are not alone with her.  Can that be avoided?  Be professional and remember to breathe.  Tensing up will only make you feel worse so keep yourself grounded.  What specifically is she saying or doing?  Can you give us some examples of situations that you're struggling with?  

Regards following up on this.  You should not be expected in any workplace to endure abusive behaviour.  If your manager is not taking your complaints seriously then I would definitely explain the situation to a HR rep and say that although you do not wish to go over your manager's head, you are feeling desperate.  Let them make the call how to deal with it.  They may have to investigate.  :)o you have witnesses?

Love and light x

[Speck]

Hello, Edenalterego.

I see that you're having a tough time, and, I'm sorry for what brings you here.

Although my uBPDw and I work in the same field, I don't have any experience with working with directly with my wife, and for that, I am very grateful.

You do have a right to not work in a hostile wok environment What do your think is the best was to proceed for YOU?


Speck

[once removed]

this is tough Edenalterego.

if i may offer advice, sometimes, the more we defend ourselves, the more "guilty" people tend to think we are.

it may seem counterintuitive, and frustrating as hell, but i suspect if you keep a stiff upper lip, and avoid conflict, this will blow over soon.

i learned a lot about dealing with, and escaping conflict from this resource: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Refuse to accept your opponent's force. Do not struggle with the other participants in the triangle, or yield to them. Instead, make a counter move with one opponent that allows them to fully take an awkward, indefensible, or unreasonable position. If you have successfully taken the center, your opponent will back off, rather than unmasking themselves and their exaggerated role.

In the style of Eastern Philosophy, we don't want to cast a loved one as an adversary in our mind. Rather, we want to understand their bad habits and unskillful means and counter with awareness and enlightened skills.

[enlighten me]

Hi Eden

If when its just the two of you she behaves differently then is there a way to record this? i.e. a web cam or recording device.

If so compile a file of it. Don't use one example to build your case as this will be written off as a one of.

A pwBPD doesnt see the consequences of their actions just their planned outcome. If she is trying to destroy you or hurt you she wont care how it may effect others. If you can prove she is doing what you say then it puts the manager in a very difficult position. By taking her side and not believing you he is compliant with her bullying behaviour. He will not want this as it reflect badly on him so he will not be happy that your ex has manipulated him. Also any people that have taken her side and have treated you badly are complicite with bullying which they will not want on their records. The backlash she will receive will probably drive her out.

[Edenalterego]

When did all of this start Eden?  :)id something happen to prompt this behaviour recently or has it been ongoing since the split?  In your shoes I would ensure you are not alone with her.  Can that be avoided?  Be professional and remember to breathe.  Tensing up will only make you feel worse so keep yourself grounded.  What specifically is she saying or doing?  Can you give us some examples of situations that you're struggling with?  

This has been ongoing since the split. I have since tried to avoid her at work, which she used as an excuse to report to my manager saying I was not fit for my job because I am being unprofessional.

Some examples include: Telling me that there are some important things to be discussed about work and that I needed to go with her and have a talk. As soon as we were inside the office she locked the door and proceeded to yelling at me saying "You just don't f***ing get it. You are stupid and I can't work with an idiot like you. Don't even start with all of your bull___ that I know you do all the time. Just do as I tell you to." Or sometimes she would call me a liar and other names with profanity when she is in close range with me so no others could hear and try to command me although she has no power to. If any time I disregard her "advice" as to how things should be done, she would throw a fit and hit a wall when no one's looking and stare at me (with a stare that look like if she could kill me she would, no joke). BPDex would, however, act as the sweetest girl you have ever seen when our manager is around. You would never have guessed . When she got a whiff of me reporting to the manager in regard to her behaviors towards me at work, she told me to "quit throwing a pity party for yourself" and smirk.

Above are just some examples that came on top of my head as I read your question.

Honestly I don't know how I bared this till this day. Her actions and words used to destroy me and hurt me deeply, I spent months on end just trying to get over her while she breeze in and out as if I mean nothing. And I do mean nothing to her I suppose. I feel like she played me, used me because she was lonely.

I was on this forum and in that period of time I was in deep depression and was suicidal (action taken). But that was due to the contribution of financial stress, education stress, family struggle, and possibility of being homeless because of her, on top of the break up and all.

[Edenalterego]

Hi Eden

If when its just the two of you she behaves differently then is there a way to record this? i.e. a web cam or recording device.

At one point she accidentally threw a fit on me in front of a security camera. Although no sound could be heard (such as her screaming at me), I believe she was facing directly towards it, and you probably can see the rage and her physical motions to tell that she was yelling at me.

What made me very sad was that I politely asked my manager to check the camera when I reported to him, and he laughed as if I was joking and quickly brief it by, telling me that I am exaggerating. The third time I report to him he said to me "Oh is it about [insert BPDex's name here] again? Get over it. I talked with her already. It seems like it's all in your head."

Since then I just never talked to him about anything again. I used to trust him but I could no longer do so. Actually, I find it hard to trust anyone at the work place anymore after that incident.

[Speck]

Edenalterego,

Sounds like you have had a very rough time with this situation. I'm sorry you have had to contend with that type of hostility at work.

Is it possible that you can find another job?


-Speck

[Edenalterego]

Hello, Edenalterego.


You do have a right to not work in a hostile wok environment What do your think is the best was to proceed for YOU?

Speck

this is tough Edenalterego.

if i may offer advice, sometimes, the more we defend ourselves, the more "guilty" people tend to think we are.

it may seem counterintuitive, and frustrating as hell, but i suspect if you keep a stiff upper lip, and avoid conflict, this will blow over soon.

Regards following up on this.  You should not be expected in any workplace to endure abusive behaviour.
Love and light x

Thank you all for your time and care. There is a huge update to the situation. BPDex, after working a year here, has just officially filed a leave request from the company. She did not want it to be publicly announced so hardly anyone knows. I only know this because my manager told me in private. She is now moving to Washington state to stay with her 2nd new guy since our split. I considered him second because she cheated with somebody else in the course of our relationship.

Now I actually have a mixed feelings. I believe it's not sadness or anger because these two emotions had been processed and I don't think it's that. To put the feelings in words it would probably be closer to feeling Lost and Uncertain, and perhaps a tinge of Happiness (that I am glad that she found somebody else and is not alone).

But I do have a question in mind, with your individual unique experience with your BPDex or current pwBPD, with the examples I provided and the description of how she acts, would it fair to say that she has ASPD involved on top of her BPD? The reason of why I ask that is because she has told me numerous times that she can barely feel anything, and that includes death of a beloved, she said she feels nothing and she doesn't know how to act on these occasions. She claims that she doesn't know how to act on anything actually, and had to fake emotions when something happens, whether it be somebody surprise her with gifts or flowers she's not sure how she is supposed to respond so she has been observing how "normal people" act so she could act the same and learn to act that way. BPDex also told me that saying goodbye to or leaving a person does not matter because she feels nothing, not being able to see a romantic partner or a close friend for a week is the same as not being able to see them in 5 years. How is this BPD?

She is the one that told me she is officially diagnosed with BPD. She also showed signs of void, intense rage/happiness/love(?), boredom, manipulation, and absolutely ridiculous sensitivity to any possible criticism to her, self hatred (she told me she really hate herself), enjoys physical pain, paranoid, has absolute no empathy, and most importantly she did express ONE TIME that she finally could feel emotion in a fleeing moment. These statements are both admitted by her and observed by me. She is very self aware and told me that she has been in therapy a few times (she stopped lonnng before I met her though), and told me that she has used 2 years to get over her previous ex. I am not sure if I believe her now about using 2 years to get over someone seeing the way she floats to be honest.

And although I say that she is self aware, I seem to notice that she blames EVERYTHING on her BPD. Which yes, to a certain extent I agree, but it seems to me as if it's easier for her to just play victim as she blames her mother for her BPD, blames all exes for her past relationships, blames me for our relationship, blames BPD for anything else that I haven't mentioned. She is always victimized yet she told ME to not throw a pity party and act victim?

Sorry I side-tracked.

Anyways, my question is this: Does she seem to be just BPD? Could she actually NOT have BPD but was misdiagnosed with some other Cluster B Personality Type? There might be a side personality disorder that she suffers from but what is the main disorder? Does it sound like BPD is a side PD in her case?

By no means am I thinking about this because I want her back. I understand deeply instead, no matter how I feel, there is no way we could be together. She and I are two different worlds and we are on parted ways leading to different places in life. It just seems like my mind CAN'T stop wondering and thinking and thinking perhaps she doesn't have BPD but have something else. Your answers are more likely to help me ease my loud mind and give me peace. I really appreciate your help, Enlighten, Harley, Once Removed, and Speck.

[Speck]

Hello again, Edenalterego!

But I do have a question in mind, with your individual unique experience with your BPDex or current pwBPD, with the examples I provided and the description of how she acts, would it fair to say that she has ASPD involved on top of her BPD?

I hear what you're asking and appreciate your question. After all you've been through with your ex, it is maddening to not know, isn't it? Having said that, none of us are trained psychologists, and even if we were, we've never met your ex. So, unfortunately, there's no way for any of us to satisfy your question. I am sorry.

Anyways, my question is this: Does she seem to be just BPD? Could she actually NOT have BPD but was misdiagnosed with some other Cluster B Personality Type? There might be a side personality disorder that she suffers from but what is the main disorder? Does it sound like BPD is a side PD in her case?

It's definitely all possible.

It just seems like my mind CAN'T stop wondering and thinking and thinking perhaps she doesn't have BPD but have something else. Your answers are more likely to help me ease my loud mind and give me peace.

I understand the over-thinking about this. I can be guilty as charged as well! But, I have to tell you: There's just no way you're ever going to be able to get to the bottom of this riddle. I am sorry.

The good news?  Your work environment is about to get a breath of fresh air.

I'm sorry to not be able to give you more definitive answers to your specific questions, but, that's just the nature of this disorder. It's a head-scratcher for even trained professionals.

Keep writing, friend. This is all a process, and writing is a tool.


-Speck

[enlighten me]

I have a friend who is diagnosed BPD. I talked to him about my exgf and my belief that she has BPD. He said she sounds more of a psychopath than BPD. This got me thinking and while I still believe that BPD is the major disorder I do think she has some strong ASPD traits.

Theres not many people here whose partner is purely BPD so theres a good possibility that she ma be co-morbid with ASPD. Then again BPD might be a more desirable disorder to tell people you suffer from than ASPD so she could have lied about it.

[JNChell]

Hello Eden. It sounds like you’ve got a very difficult situation on your hands. I’m sorry that you’re having to endure such behavior. For many of us, work can serve as a sanctuary from our pwBPD. I feel for you and we’re here to help. I’d like to echo the suggestion of reporting this to HR. Do you have a copy of your employee handbook? It might be a helpful tool to go through it with a highlighter and highlight the sections that explain what is/isn’t acceptable behavior, harassment guidelines, your rights as an employee, you get the drift. This might help your higher ups see your side with more clarity. Her behavior sounds alarming, and she would most likely face severe consequences if she was caught. What she is doing is intolerable anywhere, let alone the workplace. Hang in there and keep us updated.

[enlighten me]

I would hold off on the HR side of things. If she is going then why put your head above the parapet. By complaining to HR you may make it seem as if youre trying to ruin her as shes on the way out.

[JNChell]

My apologies. Somehow I missed the post with the news of her leaving. I’m at work and I sometimes overlook things by accident due to being busy. This is a welcomed development.

[Edenalterego]

The good news?  Your work environment is about to get a breath of fresh air.

It is very true. I look forward to it and is scared and relieved at the same time. Logic and brain says this is good, emotion says uhhh I am not sure how I'll feel when it finally happens. I'll definitely update when she is finally gone gone. Please read below as well (all the way down).

I have a friend who is diagnosed BPD. I talked to him about my exgf and my belief that she has BPD. He said she sounds more of a psychopath than BPD. This got me thinking and while I still believe that BPD is the major disorder I do think she has some strong ASPD traits.

Theres not many people here whose partner is purely BPD so theres a good possibility that she ma be co-morbid with ASPD. Then again BPD might be a more desirable disorder to tell people you suffer from than ASPD so she could have lied about it.

I think you are right. I just thought because some criteria definitely can't include both that's why I am doubtful. She very well could have both, and it seems to clear the fog for me now about the things that she would do yet don't make sense or aligning with BPD.

Please read below as well (all the way down).

My apologies. Somehow I missed the post with the news of her leaving. I’m at work and I sometimes overlook things by accident due to being busy. This is a welcomed development.

No problem JNChell, I appreciate your help! Thank you for taking your time to reply. Any support means a lot to me  

~~

Thank you all so much for the support you have given. I hope you wouldn't mind another quick question. After all she has done to me, I still feel a bit of... .pity for her? It's almost as if I want her to be happy and it doesn't matter if the other person that she's with is me. I know I can't change her. I know it's not my responsibilities. I guess you can call this... .unconditional love? Not sure what it is. Yes I absolutely dislike it when she does what she does to me at work post break up, that is absolutely crossing the lines and violating my boundaries. However I can't seem to hate her (Or anybody for that matter ). She gave me ___ and ___ed me over at work, but now that she is leaving, and I know how deep down she really is unhappy and alone. I want to give her a box of gift anonymously through her friend, containing warm sweaters with designs that she likes (she's going to cold state), some food she enjoys (she's allergic to a lot of things), and just some little things that she likes. I won't include any word or card, and she won't know it's from me because I don't need her to know. The purpose is just so she could feel a bit of warmth (if she thinks it's from her friend) and maybe a bit of happiness(?). Would it be bad to do so? Should I just leave her alone? I know I should think ME first, but I feel so bad for her . Sometimes I feel this way, sometimes I feel she's pure evil  Insight will be greatly appreciated. Thank you my friend.

[enlighten me]

Personally I wouldn't. Its a nice thought but it could backfire. She could in her present state of mind tell your boss (even if shes moved jobs) that your still harassing her. Even though its anonymous she will probably thinks it from you as its personal stuff you know about her.

[Speck]

Hello again, Edenalterego:

Would it be bad to do so? Should I just leave her alone?

That's a blurry one, my friend.  

My wife left me right after Thanksgiving and (obviously) before Christmas last year.  By the day she walked out, I had already bought all of her Christmas gifts and had them hidden downstairs. A couple of weeks later, I came across all the gifts that I got her and contemplated giving them to her anyway. After more reflection... .

... .I still have in my possession a very cool Alaskan fish-gutting knife (called an ulu knife) with a caribou antler handle and various other awesome things that I thought my wife would love.

It's a process, Eden. Your loving gesture would most likely be lost on her, and like enlighten me says, may actually backfire on you. Let it go, bud.


-Speck

[DearHusband]

Eden,

I have had harassment training at three publicly traded companies. Standard guidance is that when a complaint is brought to a manager, they are NOT to investigate on their own. They are to go straight to HR and have them do it.

Here is what the EEOC has to say: Harassment becomes unlawful where 1) enduring the offensive conduct becomes a condition of continued employment, or 2) the conduct is severe or pervasive enough to create a work environment that a reasonable person would consider intimidating, hostile, or abusive.

You are in a pervasive hostile environment with elements of retaliation. Think about going to HR. Tell them you are afraid of coming forward but can't let the situation continue and that you have already spoken with your manager but things got worse as a result. Believe me when I tell you that companies take this incredibly seriously. They will make sure that the behavior stops and that there is zero retaliation. If they don't... .well, don't spend it all in one place.