I just woke up

[Speck]

Hello again, engineer:

It sounds like you have had some positive insights since you last shared. It's so good to get your update:

I think this may be why it's so hard for me to get my head around the fact that she will never be able to see logic -- I see evidence that the truth is in her head somewhere and I feel like all I have to do is get her to see it.  I understand that it will never happen, but it's hard to convince my brain of that.

Since you're an engineer, I would imagine that being married to a person who struggles to process things logically would be a tough thing to deal with day in and day out. When you see/hear your wife projecting onto you the things that she, herself, is feeling, what do you do/say to her?

I know it's tough at times, but you're doing great.


-Speck

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[juju2]

You are doing great!

I guess so much of being in a r/s w BPD
is it is counter intuitive.  If something feels right, strongly right, the right thing to do NOW.  I need to pause and reconsider.  Right now! That's a red flag.

If something feels strange to me, that is probably what there is for me to do.

And urgency.  Urgency.  That is my key to slow the heck down.


Either way, slowing down for me is good.
I can trust my inner core on the above.


You are on you way.

Everyone here has experience, strength and hope.

You can run everything by us.  Get feedback.

You are great!

what have you done, and are doing, around self care.

Sincerely,

juju

[engineer]

Interestingly enough, she encourages self care as well as well, but then she stands in the way.

I have many things I would like to do to take care of myself, by doing things for me at home or by doing things I enjoy out of the house.

At home, it is stopped for the simple reason that she requires 100% attention when I am home.  She complains constantly that I don't do anything but sit and listen to her when I am at home, but if I try to do anything else she absolutely blocks me.

When I am away... .now that's trickier.  She is always encouraging me to get out of the house and go do things.  But... .when I leave the house I never know when I will be allowed back in.  This happens every single day that I work at the office, and it happens whenever I leave to go do anything outside work hours.

For example.  This Saturday we came up with a plan for me to leave the house for an hour to go to the music store.  I wanted a set of drumsticks and a practice pad so I could work on rudiments.  She wanted an hour of time to herself.  I left, went to the music store, and had a good time.  I messaged her that I was about done and she said she had lost track of time and hadn't done anything.  Of course, I have to want to do something else -- she can't ask me to stay out longer... .but if I don't want to do something else all hell will break loose.  So I offered to go to tractor supply for some stuff.  After that, the same thing happened, so I offered to go to Kroger.  After that it happened again so I offered to bring home dinner.  All told, I was supposed to be gone for one hour and instead I was not able to come home for *6* hours.  And it's not really the amount of time that bothers me, it's the fact that I am in limbo.  The fact that there might have been other things I wanted to do that did not involve me running aimlessly around town all day wondering when I would be allowed in the door.

Same thing happens at the end of *EVERY* work day.  I end up getting home at 8 or 9 pm most days.  I just hang around at my office playing games.  I can't actually *DO* anything because she won't allow it to be a plan -- my day gets extended in 15 minute increments over and over.

And oh yes I have tried every possible way to get through to her that I need to be able to plan better.  It's like trying to teach calculus to a cat.  She just does not understand.

Ok, this turned into a big whining session.  hehe... .I suppose catharsis is valuable

[engineer]

When you see/hear your wife projecting onto you the things that she, herself, is feeling, what do you do/say to her?

Heh this is reason #1 why things have gotten better.

Before I had any clue what was going on I used to tell her "um, no, this is what actually happened".  Well, that doesn't work.

There is rarely anything to validate except for her feelings... .So I will say something like "I understand how you feel" or whatever.

Mostly I try very hard not to invalidate her.  So giving her the facts is right out.  "Sorry love, that was *you* going bananas when i bumped that plant with my elbow.  As you may recall my response was to say 'oops' and chuckle".  Yeah... .not gonna happen.

Interesting, though... .if I give in and accept blame for whatever crap she is spouting -- i.e. if I apologise... .she goes extra special bananas.  She will usually say something that makes me feel like deep down inside she knows she is the one doing this, and me apologising for it makes her feel worse.

I think maybe the problem is not that she is illogical, but that I am working from false premises and therefore am not able to work the logic out.  All of her behavior is consistent.

[formflier]

Before I had any clue what was going on I used to tell her "um, no, this is what actually happened".  Well, that doesn't work.

There is rarely anything to validate except for her feelings... .So I will say something like "I understand how you feel" or whatever.

Mostly I try very hard not to invalidate her.  So giving her the facts is right out. 
 

Engineer,

Remember... .it is more important to avoid invalidation than it is to find something to validate.

Many times if you aren't sure of the validation target... .asking a follow up question or letting her know that she is heard and that you are ready to listen more... .can be just as powerful as validating a feeling.

Also... .from time to time when they say something that you completely agree with (and is valid)... .jump on that and agree... 100%.  Then hush... let them deal with the shock of being agreed with.

In my relationship, once I figured out that facts didn't matter... .and I avoided invalidation... .paranoid delusions mostly disappeared.  Life got much better.

Invalidation is a very powerful thing... .and is the primary lesson you (and others) should learn from all of this.


FF

[Just A Guy]

Holy smokes. I am new here, but have been dealing with... .So many of the things in this thread. Engineer, my situation sounds so similar that it's kind of frightening. I am an engineer as well, so I tried for years to approach with logic. It has always gone exactly as you describe. I, too, have found that abandoning logic is really my only hope of even making contact with the person that I love. It's like she's a prisoner inside of that scary beast, and the only way to try to see her, hear her, or even know she's still there is to let go of any logical means to find common ground. This thread is absolutely riveting to me. I still struggle with how to try to validate, just as so many of you have said, because it usually feels false - like I am lying and sacrificing the truth to validate. It kind of feels like abandoning my natural logical process is violating a boundary in a way. Does it ever feel like that to you?

[engineer]

Remember... .it is more important to avoid invalidation than it is to find something to validate.

... .

Invalidation is a very powerful thing... .and is the primary lesson you (and others) should learn from all of this.


FF

Thank you.  Absolutely.  That's what I am starting to see as the fog clears.

I'm getting to know myself a little better too.  I always saw myself as being someone who can handle fluid perception of reality.  But, boy is that harder than I thought.

Yesterday she told me that all aliens are actually us because time is a human construction and gravity is an illusion (this was caused by a vast, VAST misunderstanding of my explanation of general relativity), and I didn't bat an eyelash.  I didn't have to try.  I listened and pulled out the bits of what she was saying that were valid and I didn't argue with her about the rest.  No problem at all.  I also have absolutely no problem when she tells me that our house ghost knocked over a plant in the middle of the night.  So why is it that it is SO freaking hard for me to do the same thing when she is telling me I have no ability to communicate with anyone because my parents were abused as children?  Seems like the same level of fantasy to me... .ah, but one is *about me* and I react defensively.  Heh... .I'm not as fluid with my perceptions as I thought

[formflier]

 So why is it that it is SO freaking hard for me to do the same thing when she is telling me I have no ability to communicate with anyone because my parents were abused as children?  Seems like the same level of fantasy to me... .ah, but one is *about me* and I react defensively.  Heh... .I'm not as fluid with my perceptions as I thought

I would suggest that instead of reacting defensively... .you react with your values... .and perhaps some questions

How are her observations supposed to be received?

Would she receive the observations in the same way?

If not (which you know is the case)... .then how would she expect someone else to react to that? 

The key here is to not be judgmental... .but more perplexed... .let her talk about the purple unicorns in her world... and explain the other magical friends... .you stay interested... .yet struggling to connect the dots.

Then... .later on, sort of a "glad you have something that works for you... ."  "I have something that works for me"... .and express confidence that you will both be able to respect each other.

It's a process... .and can be funny... .such as her trying to explain why you have to respect her purple unicorn... .but your three eyed troll must go... .

FF

[Just A Guy]

Lol. Great description!

Mine knows that I don't believe in ghosts. She's almost ashamed of the fact that she does, but I guess I must be accepting that one well enough, because she has started to talk to me about them more. A sign that its working. I hope?

[engineer]

It kind of feels like abandoning my natural logical process is violating a boundary in a way. Does it ever feel like that to you?

Yup.

On the other hand... .there is a big part of me that trusts logic as *the way* so fervently that I believe to my core that the reason I can't work her out logically is that my logic is incomplete.  Somewhere my premises are incorrect.  The first incorrect premise was that her brain works similarly to mine.  It just doesn't.  It's like this... .based on study of general relativity, can anything radiate out of a black hole?  Nope.  But... .Add quantum mechanics and, sure enough, there's Hawking radiation from a black hole.

I look at it this way... .reality is, fundamentally, *our perception* of reality.  My wife's perception of reality is different from mine.  I'm driving myself crazy trying to work out how her reality works.  But you know what?  It took me a fair bit of time to get my head around quantum mechanics when I first learned about it (actually, it really pissed me off, and still does to some extent).

Mine knows that I don't believe in ghosts. She's almost ashamed of the fact that she does, but I guess I must be accepting that one well enough, because she has started to talk to me about them more. A sign that its working. I hope?

I always used to tell people "I desperately want to believe in ghosts, so the overwhelming lack of evidence for their existence is terribly disappointing."  I find my wife's total faith in their existence quite enjoyable

[Just A Guy]

Yup.



I look at it this way... .reality is, fundamentally, *our perception* of reality.  My wife's perception of reality is different from mine.

Yes! Perfectly said! That is always at the crux of it. That's the fulcrum on which I can of move my version of reality to the side and accept hers w/o condescension an invalidation. It just takes a really long lever sometimes.

[formflier]

Yes! Perfectly said! That is always at the crux of it. That's the fulcrum on which I can of move my version of reality to the side and accept hers w/o condescension an invalidation. It just takes a really long lever sometimes.

Avoiding condescension and invalidation are worthy goals... .very important.

Another worthy goal is to not put yourself in the position of saving a pwBPD from reality... .or from the natural and logical consequences of living in "their reality"

There is also big thing where you don't want to "validate the invalid"

Boy... .lots to balance here... .right?   

Somewhere in all this it's important that we don't loose ourselves (so be careful setting aside your reality) we want to be authentic... without being judgmental.

So... .what does all that look like?

Well... .

If they say something shocking... .it's ok to be shocked... .perplexed... and communicate to them that you'll need to consider this before responding.  You're not saying it's wrong or bad... .

Also... if you make yourself ask direct questions... .before sharing your opinion... .it's likely to go better.

So... .they claim they are flying monkeys in the front yard.  You peek out the window... and only see a purple unicorn.  "Oh goodness... thanks for letting me know.  I see something different in the front yard... would you like to hear about it?"

If they say yes... .by all means proceed.

If they say no... .there you go... conversation over.  Express disappointment and move on.

Anyway... .lots to consider and work through when dealing with someone that "sees things" very differently.

FF

[engineer]

Well now you lost me.  All our purple unicorns are tied up in the *back* yard, and the flying monkeys are in the dungeon where they belong.

The problem I have is that sometimes I am a little slow to recognize that she is having a perception problem.  Last night we had just such a situation.  I caught it before she got all the way out of hand, but she was pretty irritated with me.  She was working on some html and needed an image resized.  I have photoshop on my machine, so she sent me the image and I resized it and sent it back.  She then started having endless trouble with the image positioning and could not figure out what was wrong.  I offered to take a look and she got spittin' mad. "That is SO condescending!" she said.  Finally I realized she was not looking for the error in her html because she thought something was magically wrong with the image that made the elements around it refuse to position themselves the way she wanted.  Once I realized she was lost in space I said "OH! Something must be wrong with the image!" and let it go.  She quit being angry after a few minutes and only smacked me over the head (figuratively) for offering to help her (by resizing the image) when I am not actually able to help (eye roll).

[formflier]

 
Oh... .well... that explains all your problems... . Unicorns go in the front yard... .everyone knows that.

Only the R.O.U.S are allowed in the back yard.  

good grief... .switch them around... trust me.

And... .if you can tell me what the R.O.U.S stands for... .where it comes from... .I will sing your praises... .although it is "inconceivable" that you would know what it means.

switching gears... .you are a better man than I.

I try to use "standard troubleshooting techniques" to fix computer things... .you know... .a process you use every time.  Magical things do sometimes happen to computers... .but usually... .you can reboot... .or replicate what you just tried to do... .and figure out where things went wrong.

Does my pwBPD do that way... .(everyone... .start snickering... .)

So... .when she complains... .I will validate... then I toss the rules out the window and turn into a complete A$$.

I refuse to do any computer work for her until she specifically asks for it... .I demand clarity... .no BPD speak.  

Which pisses her off... .which usually leads to her fixing it herself... .or in rare cases she will clearly ask for help... .I will fix... .then I start demanding payment... .

So much better than the days of a computer user than just couldn't be made happy... or have things explained to them...

 

FF

ps... I suppose this really does follow the "rules"... .if you remember... being able to "agree" with a pwBPD is a powerful thing... even better than validation.

"I agree... .I am an A$$ and my tech support is expensive"   

[engineer]

Oh... .well... that explains all your problems... . Unicorns go in the front yard... .everyone knows that.

Only the R.O.U.S are allowed in the back yard.  

good grief... .switch them around... trust me.

And... .if you can tell me what the R.O.U.S stands for... .where it comes from... .I will sing your praises... .although it is "inconceivable" that you would know what it means.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Regarding the ROUS, though... .unfortunately whoever built my house put the fire swamp off to the side instead of the back yard, so I am limited in my choices there.

Oh how I have tried to get her to watch TPB.  I know she will hate it... .but I just hold out hope that she might have enough imagination to enjoy that movie.

"I agree" and "You're right" result in the following responses:  "It makes no difference whether you agree or not, because I am correct".  And "I know I am right, that's why I said it."

"I understand" is met with "But you don't"

"I hear you" is met with "That means you don't agree with me"

"I get it" begets "If you got it you would stop doing (whatever I did to trigger her)"

ad infinitum.

Every normal validation phrase you can think of is a trigger for her.  I suspect a former boyfriend was aware she had BPD and validated poorly, setting her up with triggers.  So... .validation is really difficult.

Don't even get me started on what a bad idea it is for me to apologise if I find something in her cavalcade of comedy that I actually should apologise for.  "I'm sorry" yields an *INSTANT* WW3 rage.

[formflier]

  So... .validation is really difficult.

So... .stop trying... until you have a clear validation target.

Seriously... .ask direct questions.  Are you frustrated?  Are you angry? 

or...

What do you feel about this?

Then... .once she has identified it... .you can validate and express support that such a feeling is quite normal... .given the circumstances.

Of course if she flips you off... .let her know you are interested in her feelings, whenever she is interested in sharing. 

it is MUCH more important to avoid invalidation than it is to validate.  One invalidation is roughly worth 10 good validations.

Seriously... it is that powerful.

FF

[formflier]

OK... so there is a combative quality.

Perhaps a general thing to say.   

"Hey... this seems really important to you.  Can you help me understand how this is so important to you?"  (soft tone... .perhaps a light touch on her arm or shoulder... .a very slight "lean in"

"I agree" and "You're right" result in the following responses:  "It makes no difference whether you agree or not, because I am correct".  And "I know I am right, that's why I said it."

So... when she wants to be combative like this... there can be a couple approaches.

1.  Let her be pissed... and you have fun with it.

So... you say again... "I agree... "  (wash rinse repeat)


2.  express a bit of surprise  say "ouch"... .pause... .then ask a direct question "what would you have rather I said?"  (a bit hurt... a bit quizzical).

3.  "I see... ." (bemused... .)

"I understand" is met with "But you don't"

don't get in a back and forth... .go to process.

"Oh my... ." pause "Would you like me to reflect back to you my understanding?"

you stay neutral... .yet make this painful for her... .go into great detail about your understanding... .

"I hear you" is met with "That means you don't agree with me"

"Oh my... ."... ."are you interested in what I intend it to mean?"  (stay neutral... .let her hang herself)

"I get it" begets "If you got it you would stop doing (whatever I did to trigger her)"

Oh... .you can have fun with this one... .

You need to be centered and ready to play with it.

"Oh babe... .at first glance... it appears that you are trying to get me to do something... without directly asking... .but I know you wouldn't do that.  Something serious must be going on... .  Would you like to sit down and talk... ."

Get some popcorn and a soda... .enjoy the fun... .just don't get hooked into the argument.

FF

[engineer]

So... .stop trying... until you have a clear validation target.

... .

it is MUCH more important to avoid invalidation than it is to validate.  One invalidation is roughly worth 10 good validations.

Seriously... it is that powerful.

FF

Oh yes, absolutely.  Fortunately I've gotten much better at not invalidating.  I forget precisely because she is intelligent, and every once in a while I slip and treat her like I would any intelligent person, and she finds it condescending.

Every once in a while she talks about the idea of taking a job in IT as tech support.  Oh man... .she just doesn't know.  She would probably be in a clock tower by the end of the first day.  Not a job for the thin-skinned.  The thing is, she makes bonehead mistakes (like all of us -- I could have messed up that html too... .um... .maybe not) but she would be pretty good at it.  She finds solutions I didn't think of sometimes.

[formflier]

Oh how I have tried to get her to watch TPB.  I know she will hate it... .but I just hold out hope that she might have enough imagination to enjoy that movie.
 

Interesting... .in my house TPB is loved by all.

The holy grail is loved by males and hated by females.  My wife calls it "that stupid movie... "

So... I got the chance to go see holy grail in theater.  :)12 decided she loved it and started quoting it... .the female wall of hate had crumbled... .

Oh... the monkeys started flying that day... it was really funny.

FF

[formflier]

Every once in a while she talks about the idea of taking a job in IT as tech support.  

Wow... .

Hey... .what kind of engineer are you.

My oldest is about to graduate with a computer engineering degree.  He is evaluating where to go get his masters at the moment.  Very strong chance he will follow that with a PhD somewhere.

Kid is wicked smart. 

In general the boys in my house really like tech stuff... .we build lots of computers for fun and make things connect and work... just to prove it can be done.

FF

[engineer]

OK... so there is a combative quality.

Yes, there is, and you just validated me

This is exactly what I am working on improving my skills at -- the dance.

I am a serious novice at it.  Getting there, though

Some of the specific things you said would result in an engineer-shaped smoldering hole in the floor in my case, but it's definitely along the right track.

[engineer]

Wow... .

Hey... .what kind of engineer are you.

My oldest is about to graduate with a computer engineering degree.  He is evaluating where to go get his masters at the moment.  Very strong chance he will follow that with a PhD somewhere.

Kid is wicked smart. 

In general the boys in my house really like tech stuff... .we build lots of computers for fun and make things connect and work... just to prove it can be done.

FF

I'm a software engineer -- been doing this professionally since 1988.  Started out writing FORTRAN on a VAX.  I highly recommend it as a career choice

[formflier]

I'm a software engineer -- been doing this professionally since 1988.  Started out writing FORTRAN on a VAX.  I highly recommend it as a career choice

So... .my oldest was really big into robotics and when he started college would have said that he wanted to be more of a "hardware guy"... .but as time has gone on he has done several internships that were much more focused on writing code.

So... .how often do you come across PhD types in industry.  Do they seem to make lots more money?  Do they do really different jobs?

My kid is definitely doing masters... .and is kicking around continuing for PhD... .although he says he isn't interested in academia.

Anyway... .

FF

[formflier]

Some of the specific things you said would result in an engineer-shaped smoldering hole in the floor in my case, but it's definitely along the right track.

The key is to not "fight back"... .but you kind of side step the smoldering hole and with a bit of a bemused look ask why she flamethrowered the floor.

Said another way... .we build up your armor just a bit... .but when she shoots at you... .you expend absolute minimum energy so you don't take a direct frontal hit... .the bullet will hit your armor... .and ricochet off... .and you have most of your energy left.

If you really want to have fun with it... .wait till a ricochet flies off an hits her... .then she tries to blame you for her bullet hitting her... .yet you move ever so slightly and it just doesn't work for her.

Eventually... .you will get to the point where you can see her load up... .her finger caresses the trigger... .and some sort of cost benefit analysis happens... and she decides it's not worth it...

Victory is mine!

FF

[Just A Guy]

Ok I'll put on my holocaust cloak and dive in here... .
I'm largely self-taught, but have doing most of these things and learning by feel for the last two years or so. One thing that I've found that works with my wife when she is in that back-and-forth kind of mode like you describe, is I just grab her. I hold her in the warmest embrace I can possibly muster, and she squirms (like the cat in a tree analogy) and I just say 'I love you.'  ' No you don't.' 'Yes.  I love you.' 'No you don't!' 'I do. I love you, and I'm not going anywhere.' And so on. It goes on for a minute, but I can feel her relax in my arms, and then she's all but back to Earth. It's like her fear of abandonment makes her test whether acting like this can drive me away. As you say, FF, victory is mine!

[formflier]

Ok I'll put on my holocaust cloak and dive in here... .
I'm largely self-taught, but have doing most of these things and learning by feel for the last two years or so. One thing that I've found that works with my wife when she is in that back-and-forth kind of mode like you describe, is I just grab her. I hold her in the warmest embrace I can possibly muster, and she squirms (like the cat in a tree analogy) and I just say 'I love you.'  ' No you don't.' 'Yes.  I love you.' 'No you don't!' 'I do. I love you, and I'm not going anywhere.' And so on. It goes on for a minute, but I can feel her relax in my arms, and then she's all but back to Earth. It's like her fear of abandonment makes her test whether acting like this can drive me away. As you say, FF, victory is mine!

This post is proof that individual relationships will find things that work... and don't.

Pragmatism is critical!  Just because it didn't work from someone else... but it works for you... .declare victory and move along.

FF

[engineer]

Ok I'll put on my holocaust cloak and dive in here... .
I'm largely self-taught, but have doing most of these things and learning by feel for the last two years or so. One thing that I've found that works with my wife when she is in that back-and-forth kind of mode like you describe, is I just grab her. I hold her in the warmest embrace I can possibly muster, and she squirms (like the cat in a tree analogy) and I just say 'I love you.'  ' No you don't.' 'Yes.  I love you.' 'No you don't!' 'I do. I love you, and I'm not going anywhere.' And so on. It goes on for a minute, but I can feel her relax in my arms, and then she's all but back to Earth. It's like her fear of abandonment makes her test whether acting like this can drive me away. As you say, FF, victory is mine!

That response is so very much like me that I have a hard time stopping myself from doing it... .but unfortunately she will not be approached when she is even slightly upset.  I can't even stand up without her going nuts, and if I manage to get close enough to touch her she starts screaming "don't hurt me", or worse: "don't hurt me again" as if I ever would or have.  She claims she's never been physically abused, so I have no idea where the reaction comes from.

Yeah, so every relationship has its own nuances, but I find it very hard to find things that work.  It always seems like every avenue is blocked.  At least I am getting better at not invalidating

[engineer]

Ok... .so... .along another topic.

I said a few pages ago that I got the rages down to once a week or so.  But I haven't gotten any kind of handle on the dysregulation.  She does that with startling regularity.  Several times per day.

And, I have noticed a pattern.

No matter what I am doing, no matter what is going on, no matter whether there is something to get upset about or not, she dysregulates at *exactly the same times* every day.

Once in the morning around 11am, once in the afternoon at 5:30, and once around 11pm.  Hm... .i didn't realize before I wrote it down that it's every 6 hours.  If she wakes up at 6am she usually wakes me up by screaming at me.  So every 6 hours she deregulates.  That's interesting.

Anyway, this is absolutely every day like clockwork.

I thought for a while that it might have something to do with blood sugar, but I can't make sense of it.  She rarely eats during the day, and when she does it is very inconsistent, and she dysregulates independent of whether she has eaten or not.

I was reminded of this because earlier today we made a plan to buy her a car tomorrow.  She was SO happy, and so thankful for my help finding the car and organizing the trip to see the car in the morning.  Then... .just a few minutes ago... .she messaged me out of the blue just *exploding* with anger about... .something... .no idea what... .ready to forget the car and fly back to Australia (as always).  Heaping blame on me that I couldn't make heads or tails of.  I flew through this one without antagonizing her.  I'm getting a lot of practice at it.  She calmed down within a few minutes this time, but the quick resolution is not quite typical -- she usually stays in dysregulated state for half an hour to an hour, and I know to leave her alone once she stops baiting me.

So... .any clue?  If there's something food/environmental/sleep/whatever-related I might be able to make a change.

[formflier]

I'm not so sure that "not antagonizing her" is a good goal... .(let's keep talking about this... what does this mean?)

Here is the thing... .

If she is dysregulating... .support her.

If the "points it at you" ... .disengage.   Leave her alone to deal with herself... .when it's over... come back together.  Let her clean up mess.

Big difference... can you see that?

My goal is not to fix her dysregulation... .my goal is that you are much less affected by it.

FF

[engineer]

I started on this in another thread and then it kinda got out of hand and off-topic so I thought I'd move it over here

This morning I got up to put my dishes in the sink while my wife was talking to me.  I know she likes me to sit still while she is talking, but she had been talking for three hours straight at this point and I needed to move.  Well, based on her reaction you would think I'd twisted the head off of a kitten in front of her.  But I managed to not justify, argue, defend or explain (I really hate jargon, sorry everyone) and instead just sat and listened with a caring look in my eye while she told me I was obviously raised by wolves and could barely function as a human being, let alone as an adult.  And just like that, it was done and my smiley, happy, yakkity Aussie came back and told me what a beautiful man I am. 

I feel better if I translate that whole exchange into "I was talking and when you got up it distracted me" "oh sorry love" "no worries".  The more I talk to her about how she feels the more I think that is what she really thinks the conversation is.  And, if I react to her actual words, the conversation from her point of view is like "I was talking and when you got up it distracted me" "what the hell?  I just got up for crying out loud and you are beating me over the head for it, what is wrong with you?".  And that is when the real fight starts

She has been giving me this message consistently.

From my point of view, something minor happens and she responds with absolute venom and hatred, and I react to the venom and hatred.

From her point of view, something minor happens, she responds lovingly, and I react as if she had just spewed venom and hatred at me

I have been trying very hard to understand that her responses to things are just magnified.  When I succeed in doing this on-the-spot translation, things don't escalate nearly as often.

Just writing my thoughts down, here.