Trying to support my wife

[Hopefullone]

Hi. I’ve been with my wife for 6 years, married for 4, and life with her mum has always been difficult. The past 2 year have been the most difficult and painful as she has become more aggressive and erratic. A friend suggested BPD and suddenly things start making sense. I want to support my wife, whom I love beyond all of this, and beyond sitting with her as she cries I’m not sure how to help. There are lots of tough, honest, lovely and supportive posts here and I wonder if there’s any advice for an anxious son-in-law.

[GreenRoad]

Good for you for learning about BPD and reaching out to this message board for advise. My mom's has been exhibiting BPD behavior more aggressively in the last couple of years, and my husband has been witness to the emotional toll it's taken on me. He has always been 100% supportive of me, and he's been a target of my mom's BPD behaviors several times over the course of our relationship. He actually nudged me into therapy about a year ago, and that has been extremely helpful. Before therapy, I had never heard of BPD, but now that I know about it I'm better able to process things and work towards a healthier me. I think it would be a great benefit to your wife to consider seeing a therapist, and there are also two books I've found to be beneficial. The first is Stop Walking on Eggshells, and the other is Surviving a Borderline Parent.

[Panda39]

Hi Hopefullone,

What a good guy you are!    Your wife is a lucky lady to have you in her life.  I agree with StephDawn read up on BPD and get a good understanding of what it is.  There is another book I'd like to recommend... .Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson.  But start with the Egg Shells book it's a really good book on BPD in General.

You might also suggest this site to your wife too.  My significant other and I are both members he has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife.  Coming here together helped us be on the same page, learn a common language and develop a united front when it came to issues with his ex.

I also want to point out the "Lessons" section in the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information you might find it helpful to do some reading there and check out the posts of other members on this board.  You will probably hear some things that are common to your situation too.

Welcome, I'm glad you've decided to jump in and join us.

Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Hopefullone, 

I'd like to join all the others in giving you a warm welcome! You've already gotten some great advice and some of the best book suggestions (IMHO). 

What have you started to read so far? So glad you are wanting to support your wife!

 
Wools

[Hopefullone]

Thank you all. It was my wife who go me on here after finding you. She’s passed on the eggshells book and I’m about ch3 and wish I could say it was good reading but it’s certainly accurate. I spend so much of my time feeling quite useless but the more I learn the mort support I can be. Over the past year the abuse has turned to me as the one who is stealing my wife from her mum and I’m finding it all rather hard personally but I can see where it’s coming from so that’s helping. Really appreciate any advice or help to support my wife, I fear this is just the start of a very long journey.

[Harri]

Hi Hopefulone and welcome back.  It can be very difficult when you are the target of a pwBPD.  We have many communication tools and coping strategies here that can help you as you navigate your way through this difficult relationship.  What is your biggest challenge, other than supporting your wife, that you are experiencing?  I ask because it can be almost impossible to support you wife if you do not understand the disorder and what you can do to make things better for the both of you.

Knowing what your biggest challenge or concern is will help us guide you better.  In the meantime, here are some resources that may help:

Projection   Projection is a defense mechanism that many people with BPD use. 

Splitting  Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

[Panda39]

Over the past year the abuse has turned to me as the one who is stealing my wife from her mum and I’m finding it all rather hard personally but I can see where it’s coming from so that’s helping. Really appreciate any advice or help to support my wife, I fear this is just the start of a very long journey.

Hi Hopefulone,

What is at the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment so you are right on when you say she is worried about you stealing your wife from her.  People with BPD often think in black and white terms so your mother-in-law (MIL) can't see that your wife can love you and her, she can only see that your wife loves you or her.  You and I know this is incorrect but that is how she sees it.

What kind of abuse are you being subjected too and how do you typically respond? We might be able to give you some tools to help in these types of situations.

How much time do you and your wife spend with your MIL?  How is your wife managing?  What would you like to see happen in terms of your relationship with your MIL?  What is the biggest issue you and your wife are struggling with?

Sorry for the 20 questions, just trying to get a better feel for what you are experiencing.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Hopefullone]

What is your biggest challenge, other than supporting your wife, that you are experiencing?  I ask because it can be almost impossible to support you wife if you do not understand the disorder and what you can do to make things better for the both of you

Aside from the impact on my wife and the obvious tensions there my biggest concern is for my children. I have three from a previous marriage and MIL is a prolific angry emailer. We have received so many emails ourselves, she’s written to my vicar to accuse me of terrible things and threatened to write to my employer. As my children are aged between 12 and 17 they all have engaged with digital life to some degree and I am very stressed at the possibility of her either lashing out at them or sending some of the horrific accusations she has made to them.
I know there’s little I can do other that try to explain what I can to the children.
You’re  absolutely right that I don’t understand BPD but working through the eggshells book is explaining some of the basics without allaying any of my fears.
My wife and I are having counselling together and separately to work out what’s going on and how to support each other and I remain hopeful for the future.