Entering healthy relationship, but still checking my emails for her...

[flamingspiral]

It's been 8 months, since the the 1-month burnout that sunk it's barbs into the bottom of my psyche before being devalued, discarded and cut out. It's been 5 since I've posted.

I'm still not healed, and she crosses my mind every day. Some days much more than others.

About 3 months ago I ran into her at a bar, and somehow sat down for a drink with her. I gathered that as soon as she had discarded me and cut me out, she mentally blocked and deleted what had happened between us. Her reality still distorts, blocks and deletes the things she said(i.e. wanting commitment and "craving this depth of connection" the "L" word, do we belong together, you're perfect.)

These things certainly affirm my other observations of her cluster B traits.

I tried to arrange a coffee to start again as friends. I sent a couple emails in effort to reconcile after the drink.
She wanted none of it.

I have been dating this wonderful gal for about 6 weeks now- heading towards a healthy relationship.
Yet the closer it gets to that, the more second thoughts I have about contacting my ex for a last ditch effort(which at this point is beating a dead horse with a stick).

I know that I most likely couldn't reconcile; she's painted me black. I know that I shouldn't because she's a recipe for heartbreak and does not know empathy. Yet I would in heartbeat.

Every girl I've dated since her I compare to her searing beauty. It was like cocaine: an irrational ride up, and an irrational ride down. And here I am still craving it all these months later.

I really like this girl I'm seeing: she feels like a best friend when we hangout. We're really compatible.
Yet I am haunted by what ifs and this delusional notion that things will ever work out with my ex in spite of everything I rationally know. I am going to fight it, because I hate the idea that she's gonna screw my life up 'from the grave', when in reality she's deleted me: an insane contrast from what I still feel and struggle with.

I know I'm not the only one in this state.

None of us should be ashamed for still being hung up on them months or years later. These cluster b's are as intoxicating as they are toxic.

Many of us including myself struggle with PTSD and conditioned responses after being hurt by these people.

These people tend to have severe PTSD and C-PTSD(complicated-PTSD), so it's understandable how hard it is for them to realize and understand their effect on the people they screw up. Also a screaming-reason not to be vulnerable with these people.

The way they seem to be your perfect fit and make you feel like you're their soulmate is only matched by how coldly and swiftly they leave you eviscerated, invalidated, and confused.

Anyhow.

I saw a lot of posts before writing this that helped me not feel alone, so I hope I can also help with my own venting.

Thank you all.

[donkey2016]

Thank you for posting. I'm in a similar situation. The difference is that I don't want to go back to my ex and I'm not in a new relationship . It's been 4 months . I still hate him and miss him. I thought I saw him at my son's school. Just another dad looking like him. Donkey 2016

[gotbushels]

Hi flamingspiral  

I saw a lot of posts before writing this that helped me not feel alone, so I hope I can also help with my own venting.

Certainly. And you aren't alone. When I was in the later part of the relationship with the pwBPDSO, boy did I feel alone. Before I discovered this community and all the resources, I had heaps of confusion and aloneness. Yes, there were people I knew that went through tough stuff, but nothing like on this community. So yes, participating here--it helped me not to feel alone too.  

Yet I am haunted by what ifs and this delusional notion that things will ever work out with my ex in spite of everything I rationally know. ... .I still feel and struggle with.

I think this might help.  

"What if" it could have worked. Absolutely yes! I felt heaps of that too. So there is a what if. The thing is, with a pwBPD, that's just it; you've had, have, and will have this person with BPD. OK, so when you accept that it's really a want, your want, and you were denied it, and that creates a bigger want, then let it flow through you and pass through you. It will pass through you--yes it will. A bit like kicking a bad habit, that's what the relationship was like for me here. There might be some weaning involved, but your heart will "get" it.

If you only rationally know something that involves involvement of the heart, then the heart doesn't seem allied with the cause of the head. So rather than "fighting" it as you suggested (basically fighting your heart), another way is that you be self-compassionate by recognising that your heart really wants this specific relationship, and give it time to understand that this relationship cannot be had with the cooperation of the pwBPD. Give your heart the space to maybe be anxious, hopeless, whatever comes for the moment. It's not actually that bad, it actually can sometimes feel great to be "free". Whatever it is, it will pass.

None of us should be ashamed for still being hung up on them months or years later. These cluster b's are as intoxicating as they are toxic.

Yes, of course it felt that way for us, but your heart will catch up if you keep practicing. There might be some weaning involved, but your heart will "get" it.  

I hope you find peace.

[once removed]

About 3 months ago I ran into her at a bar, and somehow sat down for a drink with her. I gathered that as soon as she had discarded me and cut me out, she mentally blocked and deleted what had happened between us.

how did the conversation transpire?

[Insom]

Hi, flamingspiral!

Just thought I'd check in and see how you're doing.  I can relate to what it feels like to crave contact with an unhealthy partner.

I'm still not healed, and she crosses my mind every day. Some days much more than others.

Astute observation!  (Understanding you still have something to heal.)  How are you feeling today?  Do you have an inkling about what has to happen for you to heal and move on?