Upset about not getting Mother’s Day, Birthday or Xmas gift.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

Mother’s Day is fast approaching here so my high conflict unbearable mother in law is mooching about trying to force us to send her flowers!

On Christmas Day just past she phoned us and had what I can only describe as a tantrum because she did not get a present.  We sent her a card. Isn’t that enough?

She blew up screeching that she hadn’t had a gift for Mother’s Day, her Birthday or Christmas last Year. We sent her cards.

What’s with this sense of entitlement to a gift? She even tried pulling the emotional heartstrings ie emotional blackmail by suggesting she may have a brain tumour just to ‘make’ us send her flowers!

I am going to scream this woman is unbearable...

My mother very recently died and this woman couldn’t have cared less nor dismissed quicker, not even a card or sentiment for me! I am not allowed to grieve obviously because it’s inconvenient...

Is it me or should we be providing her with gifts?

Thanks

[shecat]

Hi,

Mother’s Day is fast approaching here so my high conflict unbearable mother in law is mooching about trying to force us to send her flowers!

On Christmas Day just past she phoned us and had what I can only describe as a tantrum because she did not get a present.  We sent her a card. Isn’t that enough?

She blew up screeching that she hadn’t had a gift for Mother’s Day, her Birthday or Christmas last Year. We sent her cards.

What’s with this sense of entitlement to a gift? She even tried pulling the emotional heartstrings ie emotional blackmail by suggesting she may have a brain tumour just to ‘make’ us send her flowers!

I am going to scream this woman is unbearable...

My mother very recently died and this woman couldn’t have cared less nor dismissed quicker, not even a card or sentiment for me! I am not allowed to grieve obviously because it’s inconvenient...

Is it me or should we be providing her with gifts?

Thanks

[Panda39]

Hi shecat,

Mother's Day is a struggle for many here you are definitely not alone there.

You nailed it... .emotional blackmail... .FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  We should be giving gifts because we want to not because of emotional blackmail.   In my opinion a card is sufficient, it acknowledges her and the day.  You have provided common courtesy that is enough in my opinion.

Do you think flowers would even make her happy... .satisfied?  My guess is you get flowers then it is a demand for more.

Gifts are really tough with someone with BPD so many strings attached.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Turkish]

What do you think in her mind qualifies as a gift? A $50 gift card? A $20 knick-knack? Have you tried sending something like that in the past? What's your wife's experience since she's been her mother her whole life?

[shecat]

Yes the FOG is deep with her, I don’t fall for it and haven’t for several Years now but my Wife who came so far with her coping mechanisms when we lived near to NIL geographically but since we moved away seems to have lost her ability to handle her is deep with it again. It is frustrating seeing this as she really was doing so well but is now letting NIL walk all over her again, I refuse to triangulate or be caught in one so I have to watch this pain being caused all over again!

As for the Mothers Day and other occasion gifts my Wife would send NIL flowers and gifts to in her words ‘keep the peace’ but we are right with money right now so I refuse to go to the cost of spending our little money on this Monster and that IS what I call her because that IS what she is, a Monster! She expects and has a high sense of entitlement but don’t all NPD/BPDs.

She does not accept or respect our Marriage which is perfectly legal here because we refused to allow her to come to it for the countless drama reasons you can imagine starting with trying to make it all about her, nope. She is degrading my Mothers memory, my Mother died very recently but NIL doesn’t care about that or my feelings it’s all about how anything affects her, she is not allowing me to grieve which is not healthy, I’m sorry if that sounds selfish on my part but my Mother has just died! It is all me - me - me with NIL
Now she is hinting that she may have a brain tumour to try to emotionally blackmail flowers for Mother’s Day from us - my Mother passed from Cancer, how dare NIL do this!

Do you understand and what would you do if you were me? Please remember my Wife has fleas from being raised an only child by NIL

Thanks guys I need you right now... I am also the Moderator on the old WTO GROUPS FORUM

[Skip]

my Mother died very recently

I'm so sorry, SheCat. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. It is so hard to experience a loss of this magnitude.  

She does not accept or respect our Marriage which is perfectly legal here because we refused to allow her to come to it for the countless drama reasons you can imagine starting with trying to make it all about her, nope.

I can understand the resentment, for sure. This is way out-of-bounds.

As for the Mothers Day and other occasion gifts my Wife would send MIL flowers and gifts to in her words ‘keep the peace’

Left to her own decision, what would your wife do?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Shecat, 
Welcome to our family! 

I'm really so very sorry about the loss of your mom. It is so hard to lose a parent. I know because I lost both of mine within a 3 year time span.  It's also beyond frustrating when there is drama surrounding us, caused by others, during the time when we need to be grieving. I remember hating the pressure to make certain decisions put on me by a couple of people in my life right after my dad passed away. It caused me to feel as if I was coming unglued altogether. Please know that it's normal what you are feeling.

Is it possible to say to her the next time the gift giving topic comes up that you are not able to think about anything right now except your mom's passing? Being a broken record can be a possible outlet of escape for you, just answering the same way over and over, buying yourself time for a few months.

 
Wools

[Living Life]

I know it's a cliche, but "I feel your pain." My uBPD mother finally passed away last year at 97+. Fortunately, she lived out of state for most of my adult life; geographical distant can fix many things.Trying to find a neutral card  for holidays / birthdays was very difficult; I just couldn't send a syrupy card full of love for this woman whom I really detested. Fortunately, she did not push for gifts. My only takeaway from a lifetime of her bad behavior, is that whatever you do, it won't be good enough. So do what you think is right and don't let her push you around. Her job is to 'win' and make you feel bad in the process. Use these boards and discover a lot of wisdom and support in its members.