Trying for a baby; suddenly she says she doesn't see the point

[It'sMe]

I have been in a relationship with my wife for 3 years now. She has BPD and an anxiety disorder. She is a sweetheart and is an amazing wife and step mother to my little girl who is 6. Our relationship has had its ups and downs like most BPD relationships, but it has recently taken a turn for the worst. We have been trying for a baby and all of sudden she has been complaining she isn't happy and "doesn't see the point of this relationship". She says she is bored, doesn't have that "spark", complains about herself, her clothes, her vehicle... .etc. She complains we don't have the things others have yet we both drive new vehicle, installed a pool and deck last summer and have been to Vegas, Bermuda, Denver, Hawaii, and California on vacation in the short 3 years we have been together. I am at a loss and am struggling with how to proceed and handle the negativity. We have bi-weekly therapy as a couple with a therapist who specializes in BPD. Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated!

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[NGU]

Hi It’sMe,

A couple questions to start.

Can I assume this is the same mental health professional you first posted about in 2014?

Has she had time to "catch herself" like she's done in the past?

Also, she's currently saying she isn't happy and doesn't see the point if your relationship, while exhibiting a keeping-up-with-the-Joneses angst. How much of this started after you began talking about/trying for a baby?

-ngu

[It'sMe]

This is a new therapist that we are seeing. He is great with her and she loves him. But the problems seem to arise in between our visits with him.

As far as her catching herself... .this most recent complaint about being unhappy started a few weeks ago, shortly after that she said she was sorry for the way she was acting and said she felt it was her BPD flaring up. Then once again last night it was constant complaining that ended with her saying how unhappy she was and expressing her disappointment with basically everything in her life. She went to bed without saying a word, but when I woke up this morning she sent me a text and said "can you come snuggle with me". It's very confusing.

I wouldn't say this behavior started after the baby decision was made, she has always had a "keep up with the joneses" part of her, but it just seems to be a little more intense lately. I believe it may have something to do with the idea that we have made an agreement that we aren't going on any trips for a couple years, and in my mind that was something she always looked forward to and provided her with that thrill or excitement she needs.

Not sure if that makes any sense or not?

[NGU]

Makes sense.

See if this sounds like it fits into your current situation.

--Your wife can acknowledge her BPD symptoms, but not when she's in the throes of it.
--You are both in the middle of a giant lifestyle change. No trips = you've talked about it already. Baby = you've talked about it already, and actively trying.
--She got triggered by something. It's sinking in and manifesting. We can assume the trigger is the prospect of this lifestyle change, but then again, we probably shouldn't.
--Whatever that trigger is, she's now "awfulizing" her life. In her mind right now, her life is ruined, and it's your fault.
--The request for snuggling makes your brain explode.

This is the point where I should wait for your reply, but here's more if you don't mind.

If you don't have your own mental health diagnosis, another thing I can assume is that you can contextualize your life correctly. So while you may be thinking "Wow, a baby. Our lives will be over," there's also a part of you that can say "Wow, a baby. Our lives are simply going to be different for a while." It might be impossible for her to do that. 

BTW, she did say her BPD might be flaring up. So that could be one of two things:
1. She's noticing something about herself and simply saying it out loud.
2. She's giving you a warning that she might be incapable of rational thought for a while.

I'm wondering which one you think it was.



 
 

[It'sMe]

I think that is a fairly accurate assessment. Like you said, something triggered her, I really don't know what it is. Your statement about wanting to snuggle making my head want to explode is an amazing understatement. As for the lifestyle change... .yes it is huge, but she says she wants a baby and has been buying baby stuff for months now, but I'm at the point now I don't even know what's real. Does she want a baby? Or is that just a temporary high for her? Is she happy enough to start a family together, or is she not? SO CONFUSING!

In regards to your last question, I believe it could be a combination of both. I think she's somewhat nervous about the idea of a baby because she knows it changes every aspect of your life, that can be overwhelming, especially to her. At the same time it could have been her just letting me know that this isn't the "real" her talking right now. Either way, I find it very very hard to just ignore the things that are said when she isn't feeling well. Honestly, it makes me question if this relationship is even real.

[juju2]

You are here, where people w experience will reach out to you.

Let's see, I have learned (somewhat, am trying to get better at it) to not hang on every word.

Look at actions.

Look at trends.

I actually have to write things down, actions, so I can see the trend.

I get caught up in what my pw utxBPD says, I make that mean xyz, things he never said.  Then i incorporate xyz into my psyche.  Again, things he never said or did.  All of this, in my head, takes on life.

I am trying to check my thinking.  If I get thoughts that arent supported by facts, I can let those thoughts go.  My mind can make up bad stories, and those aren't supported by facts.

I get balance during this by reading on here, digesting, pausing.

When I am in my head, when my attitude sucks, it is a red flag for me to do self care:  take very good care of me.  Get my nails done.  Get my hair done.

You will want to probably find some great self care go to, for yourself.  Get a massage.

When I feel well taken care of, my attitude is better, my actions improve.

Bless you,

j

There is a ton to learn here!

[NGU]

Either way, I find it very very hard to just ignore the things that are said when she isn't feeling well. Honestly, it makes me question if this relationship is even real.

This, above almost anything else, is what you're going to have to fight. People with BPD are amazingly capable of sabotaging the minds of their loved ones through their words. (And actions.)

Like juju said, there's a lot to learn here. The more you understand why this is happening, and how it happens, the better you'll be able to handle it. The better you can handle it, the better your communication becomes when she's in the middle of the worst episodes.

You need to be absolutely confident in yourself and honest with your own shortcomings. So when she comes out of left field with something amazingly hurtful, you can tell what parts are accurate and know it's just not worded well. You can pick up on bits that are hyperbolic or absolutely false. You can see that's she's being 100% contradictory and putting you in multiple lose-lose situations, and still not blame her for it. 

-ngu

[Radcliff]

Hello It'sMe,

You're getting some great advice here from NGU and juju2.  I can relate to many of the things you are talking about.  I found that stress of any sort increased my wife's BPD symptoms.  Moves, job changes for me, babies.  We have three daughters.  I didn't know about BPD until they were 6, 11, and 13, so you're ahead of the game.  One strategy that I found helpful was to work in anticipation of stressful events.  Rather than reacting to a storm, I'd realize that we were headed for a stressful event, and would start validating and relieving any stress well ahead of time, even in unrelated areas of our life, to decrease her total stress load.  I got good results from listening more, talking calmly, cutting back on other things that competed for my attention, etc.

WW