I want to stay the same person as I was before. How did you survive?

[heroine]

Update: I just read the run-msg and understand that this cannot be discussed here.
I will turn it around then.
How do you survive a relationship with a borderline?
How do you make sure that all the hurt does not tear you apart?
I want to still have a social life, to be with friends and colleagues.
I want to stay the same person as I was before and not end up being blunt, careless or a victim.
How did you survive?

Dear all,
I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 4 years.
When I met him, he had just ended a relationship and was a hardcore periodic alcoholic.
I don’t know why I stayed. After a week I found myself in the psychiatric ER with him, because he had drank so much, he had to be admitted.
The last bad episode before that was today, when he was verbally abusive then left then came back saw me cry and told me it just feels annoying when I cry.
In between that he has hit me with his fist in the face and several other places.

Despite all that, I love him.
I am not co-dependent and am normally a strong person. But the idea that no one else loves him or takes care of him scares me a lot.

I have now reach my breaking point and am starting to give up.
Does any of you have any guidance on how to turn this around. The reason why I want to give it a last try is because, he has finally said yes to treatment and have already been to two sessions.
I want to hang on, but it is so hard.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zachira]

Do things that build your self esteem so that whatever your partner does, it does not impact you so negatively.

[heroine]

Do things that build your self esteem so that whatever your partner does, it does not impact you so negatively.

Thank you for your reply.
I am doing that exactly when I not an emotional caretaker.
I guess that is why I am still here.
I have a good job in a management position, but sometimes I question whether I just continue my job, when I return home. Managing the situation with my boyfriend.

[DaddyBear77]

Hello heroine, and welcome to bpdfamily - I'm glad you found us.

First and foremost, you're asking the right questions and this is exactly the place to be.

I will tell you that before anything else can change, you need to make sure you are putting your safety first.

Please click this link: Safety First

Can you tell us a little more about your relationship and your life outside your relationship? Do you have any children? Do you have a good support system with family and friends?

I look forward to hearing more about your situation, heroine, and welcome again!

[Speck]

Dear, heroine:

Welcome to the forums. It sounds like you have really been through a lot in this relationship. I am so sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad that you have found a community where you can get the support you need.

Before further thoughts, I wholly champion what DaddyBear77 suggests in that you must secure your own safety first before attending to others. Are you safe?

I have now reached my breaking point and am starting to give up.

This is an understandable reaction and feeling. What would need to happen in order for you to definitively decide this relationship is forever broken?

The reason why I want to give it a last try is because, he has finally said yes to treatment and has already been to two sessions. I want to hang on, but it is so hard.

This is also an understandable reaction and feeling.  What would need to happen in order for you to definitively decide that this relationship is repairable?

If you don't know the answers just yet, that's perfectly okay. You may need some time to process this exercise.

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so and feel free to let us know how things are going for you. We look forward to hearing more from you.


-Speck

[hope2727]

I'm sorry you are struggling so hard. That is a tough situation. I can only tell you the things I hated to hear when I was starting out that were all true.

1) Self care... .if you are unwell you are no good for yourself, him or anyone else.
2) Boundaries... .essential, hard to do and harder to stick to but critical
3) Counsellor for yourself who is familiar with this disorder and the trauma it causes to their loved ones

Ok well keep reading and keep posting. Al anon may help you to find a supportive group in person who understand and have great tools.

Hugs

[wellwellwell]

Welcome. I don't know your situation in detail, but I know that the questions you are asking are important, and the fact that you're asking about how to preserve 'you' is a sign of the strength you'll need to apply to your own care and repair. I sort of survived - it's been a couple of years. There's a way to go. But I survived by eventually learning (in middle age) how to start caring for me. I survived because, even when a lot of friends and family dropped away because they blamed me, or didn't want to acknowledge the damage and pain I'd experienced, two or three good people (all with experience of BPD - and they're out there - maybe people you already know) stuck around and loved me for who I was. I survived because I eventually found a therapist who told me what was going on. I fell down seven times, and I got up eight. That's all it took. It looks like you've gotten a long way down the path I took just by getting here at this stage. It took me a year after the split to even find this forum, and boy, would it have helped to know what this was in the preceding ten years of turbulence and recycling. You're on the right path to staying you. It may be a sadder you, or a wiser you, but the more you learn about BPD and yourself (look for the self-assessment tools on the 'repairing' board for a good start) you may emerge a more complete person. It's a difficult and non-linear path, but I feel like I'm better for knowing this person and this journey. Not every day. But sometimes. I hope this helps. Good luck.

[Mutt]

Hi heroine,



I’d like to join the others and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

Thank you for your reply.
I am doing that exactly when I not an emotional caretaker.
I guess that is why I am still here.
I have a good job in a management position, but sometimes I question whether I just continue my job, when I return home. Managing the situation with my boyfriend.

Things that build your self esteem  like r/s’s you mentioned that you miss your friends and colleagues you mentioned that you want to return to a stronger sense of self like wellwellwell I’m glad that you joined us, I’d like to echo the others are you safe right now? It helps talk.

[Turkish]

That he said yes to treatment sounds hopeful 

Do you feel right now,  however, safe? The link that Daddybear77 provided is a good one to assess and develop a plan. 

Is anyone in your real life aware of what's going on,  like do you have someone to talk to?

You are not alone in what you are going through.  I encourage you to take a look at our discussion here:  3.03 | Domestic violence  [women]

Tell us if this is helpful.

Turkish

[Radcliff]

heroine,

Welcome to bpdfamily.  I'm sorry for the difficult situation you are facing, but am glad you have found us.  As you can see by the folks who have visited your thread here, this is a pretty amazing place to find support.  One piece of advice is to bring your biggest problems.  This place can handle it.  Experience here runs deep.  I had no idea the amount of support that was possible here.

WW