Friend who has helped through my breakup is leaving. I’m hurting.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 . Well long time...

No news is goods news. NC a and none coming my way.
I am starting to realize how badly my ex has hurt me. I’m having difficulty with my freind. She began stating to me, I have changed since our night together. ( she told me in the most loving way she loved me) I sort of freaked silently... rule was no, overnight, etc... not a relationship... but the I love you. Messed me up.

Since then I have become more involved and being loving in my actions. She had noticed and I am fearful of losing her as a freind or more. I was confused in the beginning after my ex married and I was getting mixed messages from . She treated me like boyfriend the push away... push/ pull... she is a victim of assault. So that might be part... she has ADHD... so I’m totally confused.

So last week, I was asked why I was being more loving than I was before our hookup... I then opened up, said I am your freind first and love you so much, but I’m also frustrated that every time we are within a couple feet- awkward... silence... I heard you tell me you “I love you” and since the. I have been confused. She denied saying it then, when I stated to her again, she said I don’t remember saying that... ( ADHD can forgot under emotional events). But she remember all the rest of the night.  Well we talked out and she said mean things, and I tried to maintain cool, and not have issues that would be present... amazing having a arguement with nonBPD is refreshing as their is no circlular argument.  

[Whoad]

 . Well long time...

No news is goods news. NC a and none coming my way.
I am starting to realize how badly my ex has hurt me. I’m having difficulty with my freind. She began stating to me, I have changed since our night together. ( she told me in the most loving way she loved me) I sort of freaked silently... rule was no, overnight, etc... not a relationship... but the I love you. Messed me up.

Since then I have become more involved and being loving in my actions. She had noticed and I am fearful of losing her as a freind or more. I was confused in the beginning after my ex married and I was getting mixed messages from . She treated me like boyfriend the push away... push/ pull... she is a victim of assault. So that might be part... she has ADHD... so I’m totally confused.

So last week, I was asked why I was being more loving than I was before our hookup... I then opened up, said I am your freind first and love you so much, but I’m also frustrated that every time we are within a couple feet- awkward... silence... I heard you tell me you “I love you” and since the. I have been confused. She denied saying it then, when I stated to her again, she said I don’t remember saying that... ( ADHD can forgot under emotional events). But she remember all the rest of the night.  Well we talked out and she said mean things, and I tried to maintain cool, and not have issues that would be present... amazing having a arguement with nonBPD is refreshing as their is no circlular argument.  

[Whoad]

How are you doing Whoad? 

Well today not well... I just found out the girl... whom has been here for me through all this been loving, caring, honest, and my closet freind, took a job across the state, and will be moving soon. I am hurt, in ways that I can’t comprehend, I am happy for her. I knew she was always seeking a permanent position. But. Things were getting good, and then bam... she was being more inclusive in my life and I hers.

We had been together in the intimate sense and she told me “I love you” in the sweetest way. But she was obviously fearful of our relationship and be care more distant.  A push/pull.  It hurts right now.

I told her I was happy for her , and that I love her, and will always be her freind. She can call me and I told her the plans I had still go... I was hoping to work with her in my new job, though we would hardly see each other. 

I am hurting, disappointed in my life, though I have new job. But hurting deep. I rid the BPD of my life and thought I was going upwards with a loving person. But I was not in the cards.  Life sucks.


 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Whoad,

I’m sorry to hear that you are losing the proximity of a good friend, who was becoming more to you. That sucks. I can understand your hurt. And your happiness for her shows that you care about her. 

What will help you get through this, do you think? We’re here for you.

heartandwhole

[Whoad]

Hi Whoad,

I’m sorry to hear that you are losing the proximity of a good friend, who was becoming more to you. That sucks. I can understand your hurt. And your happiness for her shows that you care about her. 

What will help you get through this, do you think? We’re here for you.

heartandwhole

I have no idea. I felt the dynamic changing, and don’t want to lose it. She means so much to me. She was here for me in my darkest hours, days... She was unselfish, loving, caring, and dependable. But she was always, just a bit out of reach -guarded. She and I professed that we love each other very deeply as freinds. In January We did take it to the next step.

The next step, then scared her. She was more reserved and then as of the last week awkward. She accused me of being too nice, too loving. She said what happened happened. She said she was not going to be more than what has happened but she reserved the right to change her mind... I told her I was not ready to be that  relationship ( I was back pedaling to save what I had ) either due to the hurt caused by my ex. She should understand that.

She then hurt me with comments about some FWB men, from her past... we then talked and calmed down... ( never yelled) then we let each other be, she then called me upset about something, and I walked her thru it. She then left to see her mom then next day... and then it slid away from there. She became more distant.

Throughout her time here and even last few years,  would occasionally tell me about jobs she applied for, and she would see my reaction. She is ADHD and they tend to skip through jobs, she was always applying for jobs and I understood that.

But, I didn’t expect this to happen so soon. I was unprepared and hoping that she would settle down, as her plans and actions showed she was making a effort to be with me. She takes long time to make some decisions, and then is impulsive and driven ( hyper focus) on others.

So I don’t know what to do or how to process this.

Yesterday when I asked about her new job, (she didn’t tell me directly) I heard from coworker. I asked her about it, congratulated her and gave her a hug. I told her I loved her and would help her move again, and I would be there for her.

I then underneath my breathe said “ I guess We’ll never know... ” that she heard and prompted a rant. Which I then told her she can stop. I said I understood where she stands with us, that there is no “us” ( despite the fact we were acting like a couple, I took care of her after surgery, and when she got sick, we spent time doing things as a couple would)
 [ i was so confused and seeing a push/pull]
I told her it does not need to be brought up, I was keeping myself from being hurt.

I told her that I was happy she got permanent job. I would speak to her later about a project that we were working together on. I was hurting and she could see it. So she went and rode as I did not want to keep her from riding.

Later that night I texted her  to get a time to exchange ideas, but she stated she didt have time as she was swamped with everything... I tried to press for a time, but got snarky ADHD  responses, and then the wierd text, that my (today’s) “ reaction was inappropriate and crossed the line. “—
I have no idea what that was about... not a clue.

So now I wait till she calms down, to get my key, talk about project, and maybe discuss what is upsetting her so much... my freinds and I think, that really does love me, but is scared and with chance of permanent job, is her move to get away. But we could be totally wrong.

When I had gotten a new job a couple weeks ago I was excited, and broke down emotionally in front of her, because I had been actively seeking work for almost a year, with the torture of my ex and leaving me high a dry,  maybe my reaction to her was not as excited as her news was to mine. I told her how I felt about her, and that I love her so very much. I professed it clearly to her. She said I know you do. But that was it. She was very excited for me we would be working together.

She began coming over and we were getting closer. Spending more time... but then, awkward silence came in. She pulled away.

I don’t know how to recover... I just need to let it be, and she needs to do for her... people can always change their minds. I told her last night we can talk when she wants to talk but maybe it was not meant to be.

There was no response...

I can say my ex BPD has done number on me, and how to communicate ineffectively now... I’m putting on others what I dealt with ... not fair to anyone.

Yeah I need freinds... I’m hurting and feel like my whole life is sliding backward to darkness...

[heartandwhole]

Whoad,

I can imagine that this is happening too fast for you. It sounds like you both got pretty close recently, and then to have a budding hope seemingly ripped away. That hurts.

I think she may well feel a bit overwhelmed right now, what with this big change and losing the physical closeness that you’ve had with each other. She might be having an equally hard time adjusting to it.

I’d recommend giving her some space to process what’s going on with her. You’ve been very clear about your feelings for her and that you will be there for her. If I were her, that would make me feel safe and cared for.

I wouldn’t recommend disappearing or anything drastic— just a bit of space from communication so that she can feel that desire to connect with you again.

In the meantime, try not to weave a story in your head that will generate feelings of hopelessness and darkness. I know that’s easier said than done. If you can, I recommend feeling your emotions as sensations in your body. They are just energy— they don’t define who you are or mean that your life is going in a bad direction.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[gotbushels]

Hi Whoad   

I want to support your story alongside heartandwhole.

What she mentioned here--I think it's really good.

In the meantime, try not to weave a story in your head that will generate feelings of hopelessness and darkness. I know that’s easier said than done. If you can, I recommend feeling your emotions as sensations in your body. They are just energy— they don’t define who you are or mean that your life is going in a bad direction.

It seems to me that you're processing your being at a loss. When I separated from the pwBPD in my life, I felt a little bit of a void. It made sense to my head because of the whole enmeshment loss thing. That didn't necessarily make the feelings of loss go away--and that's still okay. I want to share with you that if your head understands something but your heart "doesn't"--you're still OK, even if it doesn't feel like it. 

Yeah I need freinds... I’m hurting and feel like my whole life is sliding backward to darkness...

Sometimes it can feel like that. I was blessed with a friend too. The type of friend I'll always remember because she wanted to get violent for me when she heard what happened.    You know someone is on your side is when they are 5ft and ferocious.  We did some kinda "couply" things--but nothing much--so I understand a little of what it's like when that person isn't around as regularly anymore.

I want to share this blessing with you. The blessing is that you seem to feel alone. Friends--a support group--it's icing on this cake of life we live. I have felt quite dejected when all my friends were busy for me, even well away from the time I was with pwBPDex. That's still alright. I hope you get that.

Anyway, I share with you that I went to do some self-care things on my own, and there were a lot of couples around. Tbh I felt quite horrible. They were a few feet behind me. When they suddenly went quiet, I was like "oh they must be talking about me", and it felt like they were 2 inches away from the hairs of my neck telling me "YOU'RE ALONE". Harrowing.    So I picked something else to do. The point is you can get this done even with outcomes you don't want. What are you doing for self-care and compassion?

[Whoad]

Whoad,

I can imagine that this is happening too fast for you. It sounds like you both got pretty close recently, and then to have a budding hope seemingly ripped away. That hurts.

I think she may well feel a bit overwhelmed right now, what with this big change and losing the physical closeness that you’ve had with each other. She might be having an equally hard time adjusting to it.

I’d recommend giving her some space to process what’s going on with her. You’ve been very clear about your feelings for her and that you will be there for her. If I were her, that would make me feel safe and cared for.

I wouldn’t recommend disappearing or anything drastic— just a bit of space from communication so that she can feel that desire to connect with you again.

In the meantime, try not to weave a story in your head that will generate feelings of hopelessness and darkness. I know that’s easier said than done. If you can, I recommend feeling your emotions as sensations in your body. They are just energy— they don’t define who you are or mean that your life is going in a bad direction.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

WOW— I think you have it... all the way...

I also realize last night and this am... that she has put tremendous pressure on herself, to be successful and (we) am not likely in the equation.

My actions the day I went to her house to ask about the new job, not realizing she just had three job offers, and was overwhelmed... I thought only about my sadness of her leaving, and my disappointment she didn’t tell me. I was acting selfish... I was wrong- I should stopped myself and let her rant and listened. Was my reaction inappropriate- hard to say, I didn’t have the facts, but, what should a best freind  do. I screwed up. 

I also didn’t listen to her reluctance or fear and let it slide by. I wanted a conclusion. Again my not wanting to listen to the other person and hear.

Her drive to be professional in her  field is a goal,  she is driving to it. 

I forgot what our freindship always started with and that was me listening, and or her listening, without judgment. I hope my text will save our freindship...


I learned  today on bike ride with her boss, they they are sad to see her leave, she is an excellent employee, they said she was offered 3 jobs in one hour time period... she freaked out and went to her boss, and was brought down to calm state, and they discussed the jobs. She tentatively accepted the one, only if she does not get the one she is wanting inprimo locale. They are fine with it... the other job was a dual appointment. It would kept her here in one office and the other location 25 miles away split job... 3/2 then switch. (Ideal 2 paychecks) they were going to do that for her...   and she would be outside a lot... that she likes. But she turned it down after accepting it... with the offer of permanent position elsewhere...

. the primo job... is in Moab... that is killer for her, all her activities and interest there.

I am trying hard to work on me. I have no idea about self care for me, and compassion... I  reached out to my ex wife... non BPD, and asked her what I was like when we dated, and what she always saw in me, and told her what had happened to me with BPD ex... and what was going on now... she had some insights and I took them... she was blunt and not mean... a welcome change from the last year of our marriage...

I wait for either to call me, or text me... but she has not dropped me as a freind, nor said anything to say we are thru as freinds. But I figure a text is not invasive and she read and ponder and communicate later. It’s in her court... I hope didn’t screw this up...

I will try hard to not weave stories of darkness etc... the whole overthink due to BPD crap... is hard to overcome... trust issues, etc... .

[wellwellwell]

Whoad, I'm sorry you're where you are right now. The adjustment in friendships, and a lot of related isolation and self-doubt, were one of the darkest post-split parts for me. Part of it was my setting new boundaries and expecting more from relationships, and part was a consequence of the strain the BPD r/s had put on me. It sounds like you're blaming yourself, and that can be a function of natural depression in this situation. Don't let those doubts define who you are. Keep sharing them, and remember what you've been through. It would be great to come out of a situation like this and just set sail into a new life, but often it doesn't happen that way. Hang in there.

[gotbushels]

I am trying hard to work on me.

I have no idea about self care for me,

Whoad we're here to support each other and it seems you're not sure about what self-care looks like for you. I think it's an integral part of recovery. What are you going to do about it?

and compassion... I  reached out to my ex wife...

Great--that's one way you might get some ideas. 

ex wife ... .
... .what I was like when we dated, and what she always saw in me, ... .

good input from her--what was the info she told you?

she had some insights and I took them ... .

Which were?

[Whoad]

There is part of me... that believes a lot of our issues at the moment is because she is scared, to be in relationship- scared to be loved as I was not selfish in my actions.

Two years ago, I would never had thought I would be feeling about her the way I do. I thought she was quirky, a little off, (eccentric), she is very liberal.

I think her immaturity is due to the ADHD, is symptom as well. I hope that my freindship with her is still intact. Albeit... I look at my actions in whole. I did nothing wrong but love her. Did I double speak, to keep us, Yes... but she is doing the same thing to keep us distant. I can’t force a person to move forward that squarely lies, within the universe, God, etc...

She will decide what to do based on what she can or can’t do. However it aligns itself, it has to happen that way...  She may decide that it’s not what she wants, she may not get the job, in Moab. She may get to the other place and hate the job. There is so many variables.

If it is meant to be, it will happen in time when it is supposed to. Do I believe, yes, she was in my path and I in hers. The actions up to now... she was moving toward an “us” . So I have faith, love does things we can never explain...

I look at from practical point as well.
It cost lots of money to move...

A uhaul rental with car dolly, rent for an apt 1st and last, and damage, utilities deposit... etc... that money as far as I know is not falling into her wallet... she has savings... I don’t remember how much... could be enough. Travel gas, food, etc...
moving is not cheap. Her trip from WA to here was in the $$$$. She was able to get a reasonable rental, from my freinds to start over here.  

The nice thing is... she is not BPD. She doesn’t block or delete, stalk, or manipulate on social media... in fact she only has Facebook and hardly uses it.

So I sit... for her talk to me. For to her decide what she is going to do with her life. I am  resigned that she will leave... to achieve the permanent  position to hide her feelings.  If it is what is meant to be it will happen. Just not at a  time I will see.
I Love her and she needs to do for her. I need fix me, to be the best me possible.

[Whoad]

|iiiiWhoad we're here to support each other and it seems you're not sure about what self-care looks like for you. I think it's an integral part of recovery. What are you going to do about it?
Great--that's one way you might get some ideas.  good input from her--what was the info she told you?
Which were?

That in her relationship, is was slow in our courtship, and eventual proposal. I was kind, loving, loyal,  compassionate, driven  to goal and wouldn’t let it go. She appreciated the solidness of my being. She was happy I was in close relationship with God, not necessarily church... .but faith and lived as the golden rule.

She says the girl in this “ relationship “ is not ready and scared. She says I am a catch, and what most women look for, she says it will happen just not when I want it to happen. I will likely never talk to my ex wife again... she is married and has a kid... she is happy, and that’s one reason I couldn’t be married to her, we both became unhappy as wants or needs made us choose a different direction...

Self care... ( just googled it ) .

I race and workout mtn biking, fatbiking, road biking... I plan events as part of activities I enjoy. I watch what I want to watch on tv... which I rarely do now. I read, for enjoyment and or understand a subject I’m unfamiliar with.  I throw functional pottery...

My freind . She makes sure I am doing self care, but I didn’t  know it.when I was hurting she encouraged me -see it hurts so bad knowing how much she really loves me. I did those activities  in the past just as part of me... but knows that is me, and does not want me to lose that part of me.

She does lots of self care, reading, quilting, biking, travel, and her dog... she rarely watches TV and occasionally throws DVD in to watch movies. I never tell her  to do anything. I don’t have to.

[heartandwhole]

Self care... I have no idea.

What nurtures you, Whoad? What makes you feel balanced and alive?

Basics: Are you sleeping enough, eating well, getting fresh air and exercise/body movement?

For me, fresh air, sunshine, yoga, a good book, time out with friends, creative pursuits, hugs, etc... .those are things that soothe my soul.

What about you?

heartandwhole

[Whoad]

What nurtures you, Whoad? What makes you feel balanced and alive?

Basics: Are you sleeping enough, eating well, getting fresh air and exercise/body movement?

For me, fresh air, sunshine, yoga, a good book, time out with friends, creative pursuits, hugs, etc... .those are things that soothe my soul.

What about you?



heartandwhole

Basics:: sleep no... since the breakup with ex BPD.  I haven’t sleep well. 3 am nightmares, or stress.  There are few days... but not like I was.  I eat to eat... for the last month while I were getting closer, I began to cook again but not like I had. Excercise. Yes... that has not changed...

Timeout with freinds... with -  yes,  it was never stressful in fact very calming...
with my freind TM - I volunteer my time to help remodel his house... keeps my mind and body busy...
Pottery...
so yes... I do self care... I guess

[gotbushels]

I'm loving these heartandwhole   

For me, fresh air, sunshine, yoga ... .things that soothe my soul.

Self care... ( just googled it ) .

Nothing to be self-conscious about.  

I was kind... .the golden rule.

Great. This is good info about you. Those are superb traits.

... .she is happy, and that’s one reason I couldn’t be married to her, we both became unhappy as wants or needs made us choose a different direction...

Ok.

I race and workout mtn biking, fatbiking, road biking... ... .
functional pottery...

Splendid.  

My freind . She makes sure I am doing self care, but I didn’t  know it. ... .

Now you do.

... .She does lots of self care, reading, quilting, biking ... .I never tell her  to do anything. I don’t have to.

She has this initiative to do this on her own. Good for her.  

Excercise. Yes... that has not changed...

What's your exercise schedule like?  

[Whoad]

I'm loving these heartandwhole   Nothing to be self-conscious about.  
Great. This is good info about you. Those are superb traits.
Ok.
Splendid.  
Now you do.
She has this initiative to do this on her own. Good for her.  
What's your exercise schedule like?  

I ride when weather or conditions permit... at least twice a week 2-3 hrs... at the moment.
Sometimes 3x.

 If I had a pool to go to (rural area no indoor pool) I would swim ... but given what I have I manage...

The different direction thing... we had gone through bankruptcy once and was headed there again... found out I couldn’t  give her kids... she wanted them and I didn’t at that point. Then cancer occurred in her, she put me away for fear of her life and instead of letting me be there I was in her words  “saved”.

She had multiple health issues, and I decided to think about leaving, therapy was not an option... I met the BPD ex... which reversed my thoughts on family... my ex wife got remarried, got pregnant has a kid  and is very happy... everything does happen for a reason... no hard feelings now... but I’m glad we are divorced.

I researched “overthinking”. I do a lot of this... and now aware it’s not a joke as I was taking it... it’s serious, and I need to stop... it will destroy me, my relationships, etc... negative thoughts breed negative results...

[gotbushels]

I ride when weather or conditions permit... at least twice a week 2-3 hrs... at the moment.
Sometimes 3x.

That's an impressive regime Whoad.  When I manage to do once or twice a week--that's a good result for me. Keep it up. 

I researched “overthinking”. ... .negative thoughts breed negative results...

Many of us sometimes dwell a little too long with issues that cause negative thoughts for us. It's good that you're looking at more satisfying ways of going about your day. 

[Whoad]

Well, overthinking... I caught myself all day, literally slapping myself... by evening. I was resigned. I heard from my freind, she was searching rentals, made a contact, and found the landlord was a registered sex offender... after a brief discussion (not about the fears) but that he looked like someone we both know. I was confused. I was thinking, why such discussion of whom he looks like. I told her, that his offense was this, and that he will have rights as landlord to access.  She went to state that it happened 10 yrs ago. I said read the case. Sent her the link...

Needless to say that rental won’t happen. I then saw her post, about it on Facebook. It also seems that she is having difficulty finding a affordable rental, in her range. Anything that is affordable, is low income and has a income cap, and she will exceed it. So she is very concerned about money and what is amenable to her budget...

I know anything over 600 and utilities included is too much. Well, in the area she is looking for a job, rent is higher than that for what she is already in... or in that price it is not very clean, updated, etc...

It’s hard for me to sit back, but I must. Her impulsive nature of her ADHD, and the executive function issues, and rejection dysphoria present themselves in these trying times. It isn’t BPD and I am thankful. I will pray for her, and be here for her. I will help move if she asks... done it twice before.  This is far different love and attraction than a BPD relationship and I am thankful.

Let the God, universe, do what has to be done. We have been in each other's lives for two years, and she knows I love her more than a freind.

[Whoad]

I am her freind. She asked me about a rental, and the man whom rents it... whether he was related to her old landlord. This new possible rental is owned by a predator... I have voiced my concerns for her safety but anyone’s safety. I told her I would support her in any decision she makes. I also asked her to speak to her family. I gave her my opinion on that human nature due to my extensive education and work experience. I have provided her answers to questions by asking the right folks. She will not like the answers. She is from what I received in a text so he’ll bent on a “permanent job” and made excuses for him and his crime, he may have groomed her. But I have done my best to be the best freind I could be. She has to decide whether it is worth it...

I see signs of failure all around. Like flags of doom, excuses, violating her own safety issues... etc... I will pray for her... immaturity and inexperience, and ADHD. So sad...

[heartandwhole]

I see signs of failure all around. Like flags of doom, excuses, violating her own safety issues... etc... I will pray for her... immaturity and inexperience, and ADHD. So sad...

I can understand your concerns, Whoad. You have been there for her, offered your support all the way. Letting go is hard. She holds the responsibility for her life and choices.

It sounds like you've done all you can at this point. Do you find yourself still focussing a lot of your attention on her ?

heartandwhole

[Whoad]

I can understand your concerns, Whoad. You have been there for her, offered your support all the way. Letting go is hard. She holds the responsibility for her life and choices.

It sounds like you've done all you can at this point. Do you find yourself still focussing a lot of your attention on her ?

heartandwhole

Yes at this point, all I can do. She does hold all the cards for this... it’s all on her.
 Anything more of me  would be, in her eye, me causing her more stress, and using my feelings for her to influence negativity to not move. She has not said that, but the impression could easily be placed. I have not said one way or other.


No, I have pulled away, because of her stress, and gave her space... I have not seen her in a week or more. I am here for her. To listen, to converse, to help move if asked.

  I been doing my own thing, but worried about her. Her ADHD and it’s hallmark points are very evident. She is making big mistakes IMO, impulsive, overthinking as well, not seeing and learning from past failures.

I could be totally wrong that this is the wrong move in her life... but in her own words... this the most stressful week. She hasn’t even begun to move, she’s just looking for rentals. That’s a bad sign... .limited income, poor quality  based on those incomes guidelines, and add her budget/ expenses. Her perceived needs vs reality. Etc... I just shake my head...

 she went elsewhere permanent job “previous job”, a dream job in her life. Awesome apartment, perfect Location, numerous  activity choices, expert in her job field and awesome pay. It didn’t work, she was unhappy in 6 weeks, and over the year it was worse.all her issues attached to ADHD... it all crumbled around her and she victimized herself. Blamed everyone, and their inability to cope with her “needs” and their lack of communication.

. She moved back here, has been moving up, making her way, and clearly needed by her employer.  Community involvement. Only one complaint about communication and it was handled by her boss. 

This move we all see is her chasing a “thing”, unplanned, not well thought out, and not very forward thinking. It’s frustrating to see people self destruct.

I am praying for her...

[spero]

Hey there Whoad,

Just reaching out and finding out how you are doing since your first post about two weeks ago.
How are you feeling right now? I hope you have been able to eat well and sleep well.

Yes at this point, all I can do. She does hold all the cards for this... it’s all on her.
 Anything more of me  would be, in her eye, me causing her more stress, and using my feelings for her to influence negativity to not move. She has not said that, but the impression could easily be placed. I have not said one way or other.

No, I have pulled away, because of her stress, and gave her space... I have not seen her in a week or more. I am here for her. To listen, to converse, to help move if asked.

  I been doing my own thing, but worried about her. Her ADHD and it’s hallmark points are very evident. She is making big mistakes IMO, impulsive, overthinking as well, not seeing and learning from past failures.

I could be totally wrong that this is the wrong move in her life... but in her own words... this the most stressful week. She hasn’t even begun to move, she’s just looking for rentals. That’s a bad sign... .limited income, poor quality  based on those incomes guidelines, and add her budget/ expenses. Her perceived needs vs reality. Etc... I just shake my head...

This move we all see is her chasing a “thing”, unplanned, not well thought out, and not very forward thinking. It’s frustrating to see people self destruct.

I am praying for her...

From what you have shared above Whoad, I can sense that you are a person who is caring, sensitive and considerate to the needs of someone besides yourself.  Your have a observant mind and you're able to discern the possible outcomes of what choices your friend is making. You have a good heart and hope that the people you care for would make right choices for their lives and would live good and happy lives. From that i see that you care deeply and would even go the extra mile for the important people in your life.

I can understand that it is indeed heartbreaking to see someone you deeply care about self-destruct, or walk down a path of obvious self-destruction but yet can't seem to stop herself from doing so. It is perhaps like what you say, the only thing you can do now, is "pray" for her. While you may genuinely be concerned for her, it does seem that at some point you might slip into "worrying or rumination" mode. This is where i echo the worlds of practicing self-care and perhaps putting boundaries to prevent your self from over-worrying. 

Whoad, i also would like to lovingly say that whatever happens to your friend, don't blame yourself and don't be too hard on yourself. You seem to really wear your heart on your sleeve and feel deeply for people. Sometimes, it is both a blessing and curse to be able to do that. So Whoad, do take it easy... even when it might be the hardest thing to do right now. I encourage you to keep doing the weekly rides. If you are able to just keep that up, i believe that it will be a positive and therapeutic form of self-care exercise which would benefit you in the long run.

You're always welcome to post and interact with the community on this board. I do believe that there are many who share similar struggles about how you are feeling at this moment. You're not alone in this. Do takecare and hope to hear from you.

Spero

[Whoad]

Spero... yeah I have that heart on my sleeve... I joked about putting a actual heart as tattoo sleeve... LOL...

Yeah. The worrying... overthinking... I recognize it now.

Sunday... I learned that her potential new “predator” landlord 5 hrs away, is actually related to her old landlord (whom she hates not— BPD black hate LOL) it was his looks that gave a clue... but I confirmed with his family member. My gut was right.

I had to tell her as an honest freind; if I knew and didn’t and that caused a problem later (oh boy)

I wont dishonor her... I won’t lie to her.

So now, whether she takes the job and rental, since it seems all other rentals are out : is the question. I have no idea what is happening, I won’t call her and stress out the whole deal. When she is ready to talk she will, she has not been rude, nasty, or told me to pound sand... no need to cause it... regardless I have done all I can.

What I have learned from my  BPD ex is too not chase, to engage quickly, and take time. What I have to deal with know in my entire life is patience in spades...

I will not take the blame for this if it happens and fails. My anxiety about this whole landlord and move... has eased, whether it was me feeling her anxiety or my own fears. I have no idea. But I can’t and won’t ruminate on it.

The sad part for me about me, is that I am trying to recover who me is after my BPDex... By reaching out to my (Before the ex BPD) ex-wife, and ex MIL. Had a honest discussion with each of them. What I was like, and how I handled myself.

 I have been doing a lot of self reflection... some good some bad... but it makes me better for all future relationships, even with myself. Am I ready for relationship with ... not quite... is she, nope, she fears a relationship due to injury of her heart and soul.

 I know she loves me... I love her. So let us see what happens. Patience**  I have a lot to learn about slow relationships, my ex wife said I would do fine... ours was slow... just not really love as she has found with her new husband and child... honest. I also know I never felt about her like I do or like did my BpD ex... total difference...   Got to say...

[spero]

I have been doing a lot of self reflection... some good some bad... but it makes me better for all future relationships, even with myself. Am I ready for relationship with ... not quite... is she, nope, she fears a relationship due to injury of her heart and soul.

Hey there Whoad,

How is your reflection coming along over these few days? Are there some things that you've been thinking about that you can work on yourself? Hope you are keeping well.

Takecare,
Spero

[Whoad]

Hey there Whoad,

How is your reflection coming along over these few days? Are there some things that you've been thinking about that you can work on yourself? Hope you are keeping well.

Takecare,
Spero

The same, it remains the same... still catching the overthinking. It’s hard, my nature from life experience and years of training is to investigate, seek answers, be curious,  and it’s hard not to “what if”.

I have been spending time watercolors, and bike riding and focusing on getting my new job/ career lined out. It will be a massive change in my life., exciting and scary.

I have backed away from my freind, I have heard nothing of her plans, and I feel or sense she is depressed. Who knows.

My hardest part, is that I love her, she knows it, I know she loves me, but is scared. I have put my feelings and my heart out there. She is not ready. I’m getting closer to a relationship time. I will communicate her albeit slowly when she is ready, but I have told her I’m not ignoring or avoiding her, but I know she is stressed and  busy, and I’m here if she needs anything.

 I have since stopped contacting her everyday with a text or stop by. I felt she was pushing away. Then pulling in.  This part of me backing away.

I want her to be happy, happy with us, and willing to try, and go forward. Time will tell, and If it’s God will.

[Insom]

Hi, Whoad.   

It sounds like you're doing great even though things feel hard right now.  It's normal for things to feel hard when someone you care about is moving away. 

I have since stopped contacting her everyday with a text or stop by. I felt she was pushing away. Then pulling in.  This part of me backing away.

This sounds like a good plan.  How does it feel to back away?

[Whoad]

Hi, Whoad.   

It sounds like you're doing great even though things feel hard right now.  It's normal for things to feel hard when someone you care about is moving away. 

This sounds like a good plan.  How does it feel to back away?

It sucks... it hurts... I’m not sure she is moving...


I think things didn’t work out for her. I have not seen any activity, social, physical, etc... she went back to being at office 3-4 hrs a day volunteering for another agency... I have no idea what’s going on. That hurts as well. She has not done anything to tell me we are done as freinds, or returned my property, or come see me, or call.  Or email or text... it’s not like silent treatment, or ghosting... she is just involved in her mess and stress...

I hate it...

I feel that her maybe not being able to take a “permanent “ position may have made her depressed or withdrawn, etc... I don’t know what to do... I know it’s not my fault if she couldn’t. I don’t own this. But I don’t even now what is happening. 

But my pulling away to give her space drives me nuts. I want to talk, hear her voice, do stuff... hang out, etc... not like it was regular every day occurrence... but I enjoy our time together. Ugghhh

[gotbushels]

It sucks... it hurts... I’m not sure she is moving...

It seems like you're missing the company of someone in an intimate relationship.

I think things didn’t work out for her. ... .
I hate it...

Yes, sometimes when we've recently broken up, we might hate something. It seems that thinking about the relationship is entangling you into something that isn't productive for you. Me too, when I contemplate or entertain myself with thoughts about what X illness someone may have and what they're doing about it--it can actually feel kinda good like we're doing something.

The thing I don't like about it is that I don't have something at the end that that's easy for me to feel good about. E.g., if I come home at the end of the day, I am $x richer, and 1 weekday poorer. Or relationally--if I take 30 minutes out to chat with a colleague about a relationship issue she's having, I'm wealthier in that relationship by 30 minutes of support, but poorer 30 minutes elsewhere--and probably to the slight chagrin of my boss.

But look at this one. When preparing myself for work, I can either enjoy it, or consider why someone has slighted me hoping some solution will come to me. I think that's really similar to this breakup process at the later stages. Yes, there's a time when studying the ex's disorder is productive for us--but at some point that will actually reach very low marginal returns. Yes, take the time to figure out your things with a T etc. Housekeeping. And after that the "orange has been juiced".

That's great but let's see what you can do about it.

Is there some place other than an intimate relationship that you want to grow something for yourself right now? You mentioned you're working on your job. You cycle as a hobby. Is there some kind of target you can set for yourself in these two areas?



And let's use what you do have going for you.

I ride when weather or conditions permit... at least twice a week 2-3 hrs... at the moment.
Sometimes 3x.

It seems like you rode perhaps once this week. Coming back to that time, can you tell me what it was like during your warm-up and during the ride itself?

[Whoad]

It sucks... it hurts... I’m not sure she is moving...
It seems like you're missing the company of someone in an intimate relationship.

 Yes I am... deeply hurting...

Quote from: Whoad on Yesterday at 04:23:41 PM
I think things didn’t work out for her. ... .
I hate it...
Yes, sometimes when we've recently broken up, we might hate something. To really have a break up, don’t we have to be gf/bf... that sentence never entered, I want that...

It seems that thinking about the relationship is entangling you into something that isn't productive for you. Overthinking/ negativity/endless,  what if- yes very unproductive- at least me texting her I’m not ignoring or avoiding her is giving me space, to not  chase her away. Which is what I think may have happened and then we both mixed signaled each other, afraid to saw and act  how we really feel me wanting her to be closer,  her not ready and she was nervous and more nervous. Calling me out on my niceness.

me too, when I contemplate or entertain myself with thoughts about what X illness someone may have and what they're doing about it--it can actually feel kinda good like we're doing something. I have no interest in rescuing her, I just want to be the best person I can be for myself and  she can be the best person she wants to be. She needs no rescue...   and her ADHD  has its issues, but that is something  I need to address when appropriate —and I can as a partner and best freind, but I don’t feel like I have the ability to say... not my life.

The thing I don't like about it is that I don't have something at the end that that's easy for me to feel good about. E.g., if I come home at the end of the day, I am $x richer, and 1 weekday poorer. Or relationally--if I take 30 minutes out to chat with a colleague about a relationship issue she's having, I'm wealthier in that relationship by 30 minutes of support, but poorer 30 minutes elsewhere--and probably to the slight chagrin of my boss.

But look at this one. When preparing myself for work, I can either enjoy it, or consider why someone has slighted me hoping some solution will come to me. I think that's really similar to this breakup process at the later stages. Yes, there's a time when studying the ex's disorder is productive for us--but at some point that will actually reach very low marginal returns. Yes, take the time to figure out your things with a T etc. Housekeeping. And after that the "orange has been juiced". We never really figure out everything, her illness is unique to her. I have broken down where it lies... big one is communicating..

That's great but let's see what you can do about it.

Is there some place other than an intimate relationship that you want to grow something for yourself right now? New job, but that won’t occur for another month and half...


You mentioned you're working on your job. You cycle as a hobby. Is there some kind of target you can set for yourself in these two areas?

I have been trying to focus, on what job requirements(old training vs news upcoming )  need to be met, and training for a bike race in Aug... getting our club lined in a row for upcoming  spring cleaning. So yeah, so much down time causing idle mind...


And let's use what you do have going for you.

It seems like you rode perhaps once this week.(yup) Coming back to that time, can you tell me what it was like during your warm-up and during the ride itself?   -I was focused on getting warm, and keeping warm, a short ride but Hills sprint work, to tear some fibers up. Yes I thought about us, and what had I done wrong, or not wrong.

But then shut down my overthink... I focused on what should I do for me. Focused on what new equipment I might need... I looked at the scenery...

[Whoad]

Uggghhhhhh... .

Well she decided to take the job, and will be moving soon. To a place, that we discussed heavily, a place where a predator is renting... I knew she would chase that job no matter what, and would justify her moving into that rental... to have that job... dang it... I had so many bad feelings about this... all of it... I have had bad dreams to boot as well.

There was/ is too many red flags...
 -a job where they don’t interview— just offer it to you, because the last higher quality candidate  would not take it... ( clue). Filling slots...
 -the job is all inside no outdoor work —she will hate that
 -a rental where a pedophile rents out the mother in law unit... there is her security issues, and she was freaked out about all the weirdo in her neighborhood here.
 -she violated her own ethics. Said she would not move in where landlord is  sex offender- he used his position of authority to have sex with student—
 - the man in question is the cousin to last landlord whom she moved away from and stated she would never rent from him again and he stated he would never rent to her again... she was quote “pain in ass”  ( don’t think family will talk eventually)
 -she really had to think about this whole deal scrutinized to death —3 weeks... and questioned it with me... ( my life lesson- if you have to violate yourself and beliefs  it was not good idea)
 -she is moving where she has no friends- yes she will make some... and unfortunately she may find someone— that sucks... but for the last year she chose had no one... and then  to be with me ( I am her freind first, I will be there for her)
-she went to a location awesome  prior and was her dream job... it failed in less than year. . loneliness, depression, ADHD issues, communication issues with higher ups and subordinates... she had no backup, family told her to deal with it... she called me and I walked her to calmness and away from dark places... just like she did for me. 

I’m scared for her, she’s smart, and this decision to take job, based on where you could rent money

[Whoad]

WOW—- so after several or more days of my freind not texting or calling me back, I had my concerns. I spoke to her on Wednesday and she said she had no idea how she would move. I offered to help as I did move her, here and to another apartment. 

I called today and  she ignored the call. So I went to her house. To give her pup a toy I had bought weeks ago before the job offer. I also had purchased a gift for when she was going to take care of my animal, while I was away for week.

So I showed up, and she let the dog out. I gave him his toy, and he was very happy. I saw her face and she was upset, but more of grrrr - I then offered the gift to her with the explanation of it being for her after she took care of my animal. But since she won’t be around I gave it to her now, and I can’t sent it back.

 She got even madder. I asked her why she was mad at me and why she’s is not being herself. She said “you violated the rules of our freindship” she would not explain herself, or tell me why or what or how,  and when I pressed she stated the world doesn’t to work that way and I have no right to know. Bull crap.

I left the gift on the patio table and left. Im flabbergasted and feel this is an excuse for her  to distance me as she is scared of her feelings, and dealing with them. Oh well.

Obviously she is immature, unsure of herself, and clearly does not know how to treat people. I have no clue as to what I did wrong. I know I did nothing wrong... this is IMO her putting distance and ignoring me because she can’t deal with her emotions. So push away...

I guess I move on, and let her deal with her crap, obviously this whole move will self destruct and her career. I’m her freind, and forgiving... but I know, I have been the best person I could be, to her and to us.

SMH