Friend is giving me the cold shoulder

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

This is my first post on here. Over the last few months I got really close to a friend of mine (who has BPD). We got so close, we were planning on moving to a different city together. Now he casually mentioned he's been looking for a place for himself, instead of looking for a place for the both of us. Which is when I asked why he never bothered to mention this sooner, because if he finds a place to live, I should find a place to live as well. This resulted in an argument, in which he claimed we never agreed to moving to a different city together.

After that I got ignored, and when I confronted him with his behavior he denied it - saying he wasn't acting any different. After the conversation he continued to display this behavior. I'm not an expert at BPD, so I googled and found out about 'splitting' which is what I think is happening right now.

Truth is - I don't want to be friends with someone who acts like this even after being confronted with their behavior. Is it mean to not reply to his messages? Should I send him a message explaining I don't accept being treated this way, or should I just stop replying?

I'm sorry if there's a similair message being posted on here - it's my first post.

[tiger08]

Hi,

This is my first post on here. Over the last few months I got really close to a friend of mine (who has BPD). We got so close, we were planning on moving to a different city together. Now he casually mentioned he's been looking for a place for himself, instead of looking for a place for the both of us. Which is when I asked why he never bothered to mention this sooner, because if he finds a place to live, I should find a place to live as well. This resulted in an argument, in which he claimed we never agreed to moving to a different city together.

After that I got ignored, and when I confronted him with his behavior he denied it - saying he wasn't acting any different. After the conversation he continued to display this behavior. I'm not an expert at BPD, so I googled and found out about 'splitting' which is what I think is happening right now.

Truth is - I don't want to be friends with someone who acts like this even after being confronted with their behavior. Is it mean to not reply to his messages? Should I send him a message explaining I don't accept being treated this way, or should I just stop replying?

I'm sorry if there's a similair message being posted on here - it's my first post.

[Speck]

Welcome, tiger08!



I'd like to welcome you to the discussion forums. From what you've written, you and I (and many others here) have a lot in common. First, we have the "light bulb" moment when we first find out about BPD - and it explains so much. Then, we reach out to others for support, as you have. So, welcome, you're in the right place.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

Truth is - I don't want to be friends with someone who acts like this even after being confronted with their behavior.

It seems like you know what your truth is. Follow your truth.

Is it mean to not reply to his messages?

It may be perceived by him as "mean," but it doesn't mean that it is mean. Do you see what I mean? It appears that you are setting a boundary here, and there's no moral judgment indicated when setting self-protective boundaries.

Should I send him a message explaining I don't accept being treated this way, or should I just stop replying?

You could do either. Just do what feels comfortable for you. Again, follow your truth. Sleep on it; a good night's rest can sometimes clarify actions that we need to take.

Please let us know how best to support you. Keep us posted on how things are going for you. Hang in there.

Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

[Harri]

Hi tiger and welcome to the board!  Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here though.  As Speck said, we can relate.

It is good that you knew what you were dealing with in terms of behaviors.  It certainly makes it easier to sort out what you are dealing with. 

You don't have to be friends with him if you don't want to and I do not think it is mean to just stop contact.  Generally I am in favor of telling a person, kindly, that things just aren't working, but that has been taken out of your hands.  If he has chosen to go silent on you, there is not much you can or even should do.  If you do decide to stay friends and move, I would be cautious about any change in plan on his part to get a place together.  Unfortunately pwBPD (people with BPD) frequently change their mind as their mood changes.  You want to protect yourself in terms of having a place to live, leases, etc.

Do keep us posted and good luck to you.

[Speck]

Hey, tiger08:

How are you doing?  What did you decide to do about your friend?

Relationships with pwBPD are very complicated and hard to unravel.

Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

[tiger08]

Hey, tiger08:

How are you doing?  What did you decide to do about your friend?

Relationships with pwBPD are very complicated and hard to unravel.

Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

Hi! I'm so sorry for my super late reply.

Like I said, I confronted him with his behaviour but he denied it and then continued to display the same behaviour. I decided I wasn't going to keep asking what was wrong, I asked him about 4 times and if he doesn't want to admit anything's different then I can't do anymore than what I did. After the last conversation I had with him (the one where I confronted him) he started posting things on twitter about how holding grudges isn't healthy and that you can't expect anyone else to live your life for you. I suspect both are about me. And if they are, it's extremely unfair.

I don't hold any grudges towards him (is that how to say it?) and I don't expect him to live my life, I just thought we had an agreement. He has sent me some snapchats but I have opened them and I didn't reply. On one hand I feel like this is immature of me, but then again I don't want to act like it's okay to treat me like this.

After he noticed I didn't reply to anything he sent me on snapchat (he still hasn't contacted me in any other way, but I changed my number so it's harder for him to get in touch with me since I didn't tell him my new number. I didn't change my number because of this, but because I've had the same number for about 14 years so a lot of people had my phonenumber and I don't like that) he stopped sending me things.

I was supposed to go back to college in the city we were supposed to move to, but I cancelled my application and applied for college in the city I live in now. I didn't tell him about this either.

I also talked about this with a friend who used to be friends with him as well and he told me he stopped being friends with him because first of all, everything has to go his way. If you disagree with him (my old friend), he gets angry because everything has to be exactly how he wants it to be. And second of all, we both feel like he uses BPD as a way to get attention. He tells everyone about it, and I'm not saying he should be ashamed about it whatsoever, but telling everyone you have a (mental) illness seems attention seeking to me.

I don't want to block him on snapchat or instagram - the only two platforms he can contact me on since I deleted my twitter and changed my number. I feel like if I do, he'll see it as another reason to hate me, which is the last thing I want. I don't want him to hate me. I have, however, decided I do not want to be friends anymore. I tried my best. I was always there when he needed me, especially the last few weeks of our friendship when he was really struggeling. I sent him mulitple texts talking about how much he means to me and how I'll always be there.

I would have always been there, and it doesn't feel like it's 100% my own choice to not be friends anymore. But I'm tired of trying for someone who won't even pick up their phone and tell me what's wrong. In this case I definitely didn't leave out of free will. I got pushed away.

If anything happens I will of course update you guys.

Thanks for helping me and for the encouraging words.

(And sorry for any spelling mistakes, English isn't my first language)

Kind regards,

Tiger 

[Harri]

Thanks for the update Tiger.  It sounds like you have made excellent choices and have handled things very well.  Good job!  It is unfortunate your friend is so caught up in his own issues and did push you away.  he lost a good friend in you.