What would we have done with a heads up? Probably nothing?

[AustenJ]

I am in a somewhat unique position in that I work every day with my diagnosed exBPDgf in a very small organization (15 people). She is on to her second person after discarding me a little over a year ago, and he is the longest relationship she has ever had (of course). Although the engagement ring has been delayed for whatever reason for several months, it still appears she will get it soon. The new guy has never been to our workplace and has only been introduced to a couple of colleagues. I have never seen him in person. But I know he's a really good guy because he is a carbon copy of me, as most of the rest of her past boyfriends are.

I also know she has cheated on him emotionally and sexually like she did with me and all the rest of her boyfriends. She still continues to vape and abuse alcohol; she has had to be driven home from work happy hours she attends alone as she is falling down drunk and coming on to all the men in the bar; she still cuts, purges and rages.

But her guy loves her to death and is looking at wedding rings; even though he knows she has been diagnosed BPD, but she she is the most beautiful and sexiest woman he has ever been with---even if she's too drunk for sex most nights and she hates oral sex, and sex is only for her release.

I could easily reveal all of her past and current vices to the new guy; much of which I have witnessed directly. I mean this new guy is going to easily drop 30 grand on an engagement ring, and she has him convinced to leave a 6 figure job he's had for 10 years to be closer to her family... .she can't stand her future mother-in-law... .and up to 2 weeks ago she felt she was not good enough for him.

And of course, I will not say a word. It's not my place. And I doubt he would believe me... .now anyway. When the train wreck comes, he will see all of the red flags he missed just like me, like us. I just hate to see another good guy taken to his knees... .but this one will be a train wreck of epic proportions--the ruse not only includes him, but it includes his family, his friends, and her family, who know her ugly truth with good men and her relationships with them. Her family knows how destructive she can be, but they remain in denial hoping for the fairy tale ending that never comes.

Here's my question: Would any of you in my position warn the new guy what is in store for him?
Would you have done anything differently if someone told you the truth about your pwBPD? Has anyone actually warned a person or been warned by others? Did anyone ever listen and jump off the train before the wreck?

[Cromwell]

Here's my question: Would any of you in my position warn the new guy what is in store for him?
Would you have done anything differently if someone told you the truth about your pwBPD? Has anyone actually warned a person or been warned by others? Did anyone ever listen and jump off the train before the wreck?

Really difficult to answer. In my own experience I had multiple people (who didnt actually know what BPD is either) warn me not to trust her. but she was so convincing and portrayed herself as a victim and also vulnerable and tender, that the person I eventually discovered she really was, at the time if anyone told me I would end up like I did id have thought they had some strange agenda to keep us apart such as jealousy.

In hindsight, when her ex tried to speak to contact me early on when I first started dating her I was open to speak to him and gave him my number, by unfortunate chance of fate she was in the car and she took the phone off me when he called and she noticed it was his number when I first never recognised the number. She then persuaded me to never speak to him and change my number. I can only but wonder how things might have ended up different if I would have had that call.

I say tell him, but your in the best position to weigh up how to and what the repercussions might be. How would it affect you if she found out you had tried to get in the way of her plans? would you be able to live with it if this guy ends up decimated by going through with what he doesnt really know what may be in store for him or would you be able to say to yourself that it isnt really any of your business and hes a grown adult free to make his own experiences and decisions.

being the rescuer type I am, id do it anyway, (try to warn him).  I guess there would also be an added sense of satisfaction that if she is anything like my ex, and he did infact listen to you and decide to break from her... .I know how apocalyptically explosive her rage would be at me for throwing a spanner into the machinery of her new plans. and she is owed some of that, but yea that would just be a bonus.  

good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Aiko]

Tough one. My experience- looking back over my time, 3 people warned me, I see it now didn't see it then of course. First was a friend of hers and was an acquaintance of mine- when I saw her a month into the rs, she simply said to me "ha, good luck". Innocent enough at the time but now, geez. Another person I met through her, and he said, " be good to her, she's a good girl, don't hurt her". Again, seemed normal enough at the time but looking back, I get it. Last one was the one I should've pressed on. Someone I know well but wouldn't call a friend necessarily, and someone she knew from her past. He said to me, "careful".  I laughed it off mentally attributed to her looks as she is v attractive etc... .
never pressed him.   Fast forward to post break up, he pulls me aside and says, "well?" . I gave him a cliff note version of the rs and her actions post me leaving, and he proceeds to tell me how she was 10 years ago in a prior rs and that break up, and it was horrifying. All I said was, why didn't you tell me back then. He said, he didn't want to intrude in case she had changed etc... .
So take all of that for what it's worth.
If I were in your shoes now, and I think about sometimes what if her current bf were to call me what would I say (she used to say to me all the time, you want to call my ex to ask him xy or z, then go ahead. I would never),  but if in your shoes I wouldn't involve myself, let them make it or not make it on their own, and sadly him learn on his own. If you knew him or he was a friend then that would be different. Otherwise you'll be painted as a jealous ex. If her current bf was to reach out to me, I would simply say, " good luck, please keep me out of your rs, and did I say, good luck?"  Hopefully he can read btw the lines. Net net, I was blind back then, most all of us were, and in your situation, you reach out he will be blind too and you look like a jack---.  Lose lose for you.  Good luck with your decision.

[Cire155]

I tried to warn the new guy. It didn't matter because I was painted as the crazy guy to all her "friends" except one who knew her the longest and couldn't believe every guy she meets is crazy. If I got the heads up hmmm. My female friends that met her noticed right away something was wrong with her. I was so in love I couldn't see it. So the short answer for me is nothing .

[heartandwhole]

Hi AustenJ,

I can certainly understand wanting to spare another person the pain you've experienced. Especially when you have insider information about what might be coming down the pike.

As others have said, however, I don't think your ex's current partner will be open to hearing about your experience. It sounds like he's in love, and we all know that when we are in love, we see the world and the people around us differently.

And he might have a different experience with your ex than you had. We can't know the exact dynamic between them, or predict the future they will experience.

Now, if the new partner came to me directly asking for advice? Then I think that's a different situation and I'd consider sharing my experience of the relationship, while avoiding pointing fingers at the ex.

heartandwhole

[MyBPD_friend]

I wouldn't say a word to anyone. It's not your responsibility, loves makes blind as well.

Move on in your life and leave all this behind - my advise.

[MeandThee29]

My situation is different because we were married for 25 years, but I doubt that I would have headed a heads-up. He was high functioning and catch in every other way. Everyone told me that he was a gem. One mutual friend that had known my husband since he was a child commented that my pwBPD was highly rigid, and that would probably be the issue I would struggle with the most. Little did he know.

Would I warn someone I didn't know? Nope. I might warn a relative or a close friend, but I pretty much stay out of that sort of thing.

He can be utterly charming, and I fully expect that he will find someone else at some point. No way will I warn her if that happens. We're all adults and can make our own choices.