My Ex left me again and I'm Suicidal

[Melvins5000]

Partner left me again after 6 year on off  relationship, last May I was in ICU for 24 hours and 7 days in hospital recovering from an overdose. In August we rekindled the relationship after a friendship had started again, she left me again in January because of my "moods"  (depression).  We have a four year old son together whom I see as much as I can, usually 3 nights and some days a week.
I have been in and out of the suicidal crisis teams building several times over the past four or five  weeks. I don't want to leave my son, but im fighting every day with feelings of worthlessness.
I'm addicted/obsessed with gaining validation after a very turbulent relationship. She had a diagnosis of attachment disorder with BPD traits.
I think I may have developed some of those traits on top of my own insecurities.
After a life of depression, I'm at my wits end and need some help.

[spero]

Hey there Melvins5000  

I would like to drop a very quick response in the meantime. How are you feeling right now? Do you have someone to talk to right now? Im sorry you are feeling so down and even struggling with overwhelming helplessness. Could you perhaps share a little more about your situation?

Here to help.

Spero

[Melvins5000]

I'm extremely mixed up emotionally, still madly in love with her/jealous/addicted, but also know the relationship was eating me alive. I lived in fear of her leaving me, as she did in the first few years. I have a diagnosis of ptsd due to childhood traumas and also ADHD. I can't bare to see her move on, she has invalidated my pain many times. She has started other relationships once in our break last year and on a break the previous one has year, as well as lots of male contact, where she originally would get extremely angry if I had female or any other outside interests, a very one sided set of bounderies.

[spero]

Hello again Melvins5000,

Glad to hear from you. Im sorry that you must be hurting so much right now because of whst your partner has done to you. You must be feeling very confused by some mixed "signals" that she appears to be sending to you right now. When was the last time you had interacted with her? Prior to posting on this board, were you also able to speak to anyone else?

Spero

[Panda39]

 We have a four year old son together whom I see as much as I can, usually 3 nights and some days a week.
I have been in and out of the suicidal crisis teams building several times over the past four or five  weeks. I don't want to leave my son, but im fighting every day with feelings of worthlessness.

Hi Melvins5000,

First I wanted to send some        your way.  

I'm so sorry you are going through this everything is tough when your are struggling with depression (been there too) but dealing with a break up has got to be super hard.

Based on my experience I would suggest keeping your son in mind that's what I did.  I could never leave my son and your son needs you too.  I know it doesn't feel like it now but this will get better.  Are you able to reach out to the Suicide Team that you mentioned above?

Just take things one step at a time, maybe try and focus on self care.  What can you do to take care of your self for a little while this morning? Can you go for a walk?  I find a little exercise can make me feel better.

I want you to know that you aren't alone and that you matter.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Melvins5000]

My son is my main focus, but it's extremely difficult, I think he could have done so much better for a father and the pain of feeling worthless often jades the view and minimises any positives.
I am working with the team, but it's a very short term intervention and there is nothing if they decide to discharge me. I'm very scared of my emotions and where they lead me, I have walked the bridge accross the river many times, thinking about jumping.
People in the crisis team have minimised my issue, telling me they aren't running relationship advice - I left the building and almost killed myself feeling there was no understanding.

[Melvins5000]

I have spoken on here in the past, my network has dwindled somewhat over the years, where my exs has continued to grow. My friends and family have had there fill of my problems and can't deal with them.

[spero]

Hey Melvins5000,

How is your son doing right now? Is he coping okay not having his mum around at this time?

Spero

[Panda39]

I have walked the bridge accross the river many times, thinking about jumping.

Imagine being on that bridge and your son is holding your hand and he won't let go.

Your son loves you and needs you.  None of us are perfect parents as they say there is no manual, but our children love us and need us in spite of our imperfections and sometimes because of them.

My guess is that your friends and family love you, and they may not know what to do to help, but that doesn't mean they don't want to.  When we are depressed it's easy to cut ourselves off from others, we don't want to be a burden, we think they don't really care, we want to appear strong so we don't share... .whatever we tell ourselves.  It might feel counter intuitive but try to reach out, but when you do understand they are imperfect humans doing their best.  They can listen and support you but they can't fix everything for you.  It's up to you to work on yourself.  It's tough work climbing out of that deep dark hole that is depression, but I believe you can do it.  Start by doing it for your son and I bet it will grow into doing it for yourself.   

Panda39

[Panda39]

I've got to head off to work for the day, but I will check back in through out the day.  I know as the morning goes on that others will chime in here too.

Hang in there, don't give up and I will talk with you soon.  I'm really glad that you decided to reach out today.  

Panda39

[NGU]

People in the crisis team have minimised my issue, telling me they aren't running relationship advice.

Hey. Out of everything you wrote so far, this is what stuck out for me personally.

I can reassure you from first-hand experience that people here understand the importance of addressing the relationship side. How it all ties together.

It's good you're here. Hope to read more from you.

-ngu

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Melvins5000,

I'd like to join spero and Panda39 in welcoming you.  I'm so glad that you decided to share here how you are feeling.  We care.     Can you tell me how you are feeling today?  Are you feeling suicidal right now?  

Depression and heartache are a horrible combination.  Many of us here can understand how that feels and you're not alone in feeling worthless.  I have struggled with this a great deal in my life and have felt like ending it all.  As you will know from having a crisis last year, these feelings are not permanent.  What treatment do you receive, if any, for the depression?  :)oes the crisis team intend to refer you to a service that can support you longer term?  Keep talking to us and let us know how you're doing.

Love and light x

[Skip]

Hi Melvin',

We're all here for you this afternoon.

So, what triggered/spiked your latest feelings of worthlessness?

Skip

[Melvins5000]

Skip, the break up in January triggered me - I've been in a downward spiral since - some days are slightly better than others. I've not slept properly since then, most nights I'm only getting 1 hour maximum. My ex said she missed me last week, but later said it was because she saw a glimpse of a smile.

Harley Quinn, I've had a referral accepted and have been offered help with psychology in 4 or so months, it's really hard to see that far in the future and my belief that anything can help me isn't string, although I keep trying. Till then I'm reading, watching self help videos and talking to whom ever will listen. I have a review with the crisis team tomorrow, sure they are going to try and discharge me. I see a therapist twice a month, which can barely afford right now.

[toomanydogs]

Hi Melvin,
  I'm going to echo everything others on this board are saying. Your son loves and needs you. Can you hang onto that for another four months? I'm so sorry you have to wait so long to be seen.
  Here in the states, we have suicide chat lines--not sure you can access them from GB. They are staffed with your first point of contact being a volunteer, not necessarily a psychologist; however, once the volunteer realizes what kind of shape you're in, you're bumped up to someone with professional credentials.
 Like I said, I've used one of the chat lines myself online, and I've called them. I don't know enough about the online chats to know if you can access them, but here they are 24/7, and you can talk/chat with a real person.
  The phone lines I'm assuming are not international.
  Please keep posting, so we all know you're still hanging in.
   
TMD

[Skip]

The Samaritans have 24 lines, TMD, good point.

    Samaritans UK
    Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate)
    Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minicom)
    Hotline: 1850 60 90 90 (ROI - local rate)
    Hotline: 1850 60 90 91 (ROI minicom)
    Website: samaritans.org
    E-mail Helpline: jo@samaritans.org
    24 Hour service:

[Skip]

I have a review with the crisis team tomorrow, sure they are going to try and discharge me. I see a therapist twice a month, which can barely afford right now.

How long have you been an inpatient? Has it helped?  Are your fearful of a discharge?

[Melvins5000]

I'm extremely fearful of having no support network that could potentially help me, I've experienced extreme lows several times in my life, but have never felt quite as low as now. I came on here as some people have trivialised my anguish regarding the relationship and how its changed my trust and general outlook.

I've used the Samaritans in the past, they are sometimes helpful, often not, I've been told by a psychiatrist I need much more than counselling, I've been seeking help for years and my referral has been refused up until now.

[Melvins5000]

I've been an inpatient for around 4 weeks and it's helped some days, others not - they don't really offer coping strategies, not ones I haven't already tried anyway. It's so hard to remember advice when your head is already full.

[Skip]

I've used the Samaritans in the past, they are sometimes helpful, often not... .

It's a shame. I've heard that before.  

I'm extremely fearful of having no support network... .

Do you have a church family?  I live far from my family and I went through a medical crisis some years ago. I toughed it out solo for a while, then leaned on my church family for help. They were hugely helpful.

What was your name when you were here before?

[Panda39]

It's so hard to remember advice when your head is already full.

Hi Melvins,

Just popping back in.  So glad to see so many here circling the wagons around you!  I love the folks here! 

I can relate to this too.  Writing often helped me.  You can get the stuff spinning around in your head out on paper (or computer - I'm an old school hand written paper Panda) and have a place to keep it so you can ruminate on stuff less and create some "head space". 

Panda39

[Pencil sketch]

Hi melvins5000, welcome to our family.
You are amongst people who know, exactly what you are feeling, Nd can empathise, these relationships take away everything.
You are worth it, I understand about the brain fog, read what you can, and keep posting, we got your back xxx

[spero]

I've experienced extreme lows several times in my life, but have never felt quite as low as now. I came on here as some people have trivialised my anguish regarding the relationship and how its changed my trust and general outlook.

I've used the Samaritans in the past, they are sometimes helpful, often not, I've been told by a psychiatrist I need much more than counselling, I've been seeking help for years and my referral has been refused up until now.

Hey there Melvins5000,

I would like to reaffirim you that we are here for you. It must really be frustrating and discouraging to not be understood or heard. Let me echo the words of skip, harley quinn, toomanydogs, panda39 and NGU. You are not alone and am concerned for your present well being.

Im glad you have reached out to us on this board. I'm sorry to hear that the avenues you've reached out to seem to not make your situation better. I am unfamiliar with the healthcare system in the UK and am surprised that it is going tp take 4 months to receive psychoatric help.

Please do update us on your situation after you've met with the crisis team ya?
Hoping the best for you.

Take heart and take care,
Spero

[Melvins5000]

My ex insists I need therapy for my older issues, basically she prodded and poked my every weakness till I reacted and then insisted I needed help to deal with things. She continuously gaslighted me and cried victim to mutual acquaintances in a town which was new to me, often criticising my newer friends till I stopped seeing friends outside the relationship.

I really need sleep, I'm currently taking venlafaxine 9 days in and I'm aware it can cause Insomnia or promote it. I've not slept more than an hour a night for two months, apart from two occasions. Tried sleeping pills but they just knocked me out and I woke up shortly after. Promethazine caused me to have worse depression and made me very lethargic anxious for two days following.

[Speck]

Dear Melvins5000,

Hello, friend. I'm so sorry that you're going through this very tough time. I am glad that you have reached out for help with the crisis team in your area, and that you've gotten some inpatient assistance. It really sucks to feel so very low and to reach out to receive help, and then find out that the help is incomplete or that the help lacks a component of understanding of your exact situation.

When you feel this way, just tune into bpdfamily to flesh out any additional support you need. That's why we're here.

My name is Speck. I gave myself that name because when my wife left me, I felt like a speck of dust, like a mote of nothingness floating through the air. So, you see, I am no stranger to lonely thoughts.

But, the one thing that I did during my dark days was that I reached out to souls here who sustained me through a bleak period. And in so doing, I was able to crawl back into the light of understanding. It has helped tremendously.

So... .can you touch base here every day, just to let us know how you're doing? Or, let us know how best to support you?

It may be hard for you to believe right now, but we care.


-Speck

[Melvins5000]

I really do appreciate everyone's time, I'm still trying to reconcile with my ex, but in my heart I know it's a major mistake - the loneliness is just so tough and I'm never going to get closure. Every time I see her it brings everything to the fore - I still find her very attractive and can't help imagining her with someone else. She wants to be friends, but obviously I can't do that - she tells me "people break up all the time" to exonerate herself, it's obviously no comfort to me.

[spero]

Hey there Melvins5000,

My ex insists I need therapy for my older issues, basically she prodded and poked my every weakness till I reacted and then insisted I needed help to deal with things. She continuously gaslighted me and cried victim to mutual acquaintances in a town which was new to me, often criticising my newer friends till I stopped seeing friends outside the relationship.

I just want to affirm you that, you are who you are even with those flaws and blemishes. It must have felt so degrading to hear those words from someone you deeply care about. I want to affirm you that as you are, you a person worthy of love and acceptance. It is as you say, that she has "gaslighted" you, split you black, and cast herself as a victim. I am very concerned for your mental as well as your physical well being. The inability to have sufficient rest can greatly strain your mental well being.

I really need sleep, I'm currently taking venlafaxine 9 days in and I'm aware it can cause Insomnia or promote it. I've not slept more than an hour a night for two months, apart from two occasions.

Not being able to sleep is deeply deeply frustrating. The lack of sleep often makes me feel tired and easily agitated and sometimes i often realise that i easily lose my patience with people around me. I can only imagine the kind of torture and deep difficultly to sleep only hour a day for two months, plus i suppose you would also have to attend to the needs of your son as well. Such a situation can easily overwhelm anyone and trigger a downward spiral of despair.

Tried sleeping pills but they just knocked me out and I woke up shortly after. Promethazine caused me to have worse depression and made me very lethargic anxious for two days following.

Would it be correct to say that, while you've tried sleeping pills, they have not been effective in giving you at least 6 hours of sleep? Even consuming sleep medication, you've woke up in less than lets say 3 hours and have to live with the side effects of the drugs?

Spero.

[In a bad way]

Melvins5000,

I haven't posted much over the last few weeks although I visit and read this site at least ten times a day. I have been too down to reply to posts and too also start a new post I have been meaning to do.

However I too am in the UK and felt I really had to reply to you.

I have a friend on Venlafaxine [Effexor XR] and it works for him unless he is just not as bad as me, I have been prescribed the same but to be honest I have only tried a couple and I didn't like the effects, I realise they should be given at least two weeks.

I understand the health system here, my doctor says he has referred me 3 times to see someone but I have never heard back from anywhere and I have been waiting since around November 2016.
The best I have received was a phone call where someone without a clue was asking me multiple choice questions he was reading from a piece of paper or a PC screen, I cut him off after 5 minutes, I apologised and said it wasn't for me and seemed inappropriate.

My doctor tried to call the crises team around November 2016 but I wouldn't let him.
At least you are taking action albeit the response is not brilliant, think of your son and how lucky you are to have him, I wish I had kids.

I don't know if you are drinking but if you are try to cut down with a view to stop, I have managed 14 months without a drink at home, I only now drink beer in the pub a couple of times a week, drinking alone at home makes everything a million times worse. I get so down recently the off license is tempting.

I know exactly how you feel and I wish I didn't, keep posting on here whenever you feel up to it and take care.

[Melvins5000]

You are correct Spero apart from one occasion I had 6 hours with the promethazine, but it made my mood and anxiety much worse.

Thankyou for your words

[spero]

You are correct Spero apart from one occasion I had 6 hours with the promethazine, but it made my mood and anxiety much worse.

Thanks for clarifying, Melvins5000. I've had a dear friend of mine break down crying because she couldn't sleep much over a few consecutive days. Sleep seems to be one pertinent area which needs immediate attention right now. How are you feeling right now? Have you had anything to eat the whole day today?

Spero.