Feeling like fellow church member may be narcissistic flashbacks of mom

[Because]

I feel like I don’t know how to be around others who may also be like my narcissistic mom I feel nervous and want to run but I fear judgement at church I struggle in the competitive climate there but still want to belong I have sought help from church friends and other church leaders in higher authority but am often told pat answers support leadership,pray for them ,forgive and move on but each week I feel like another match has been lit and there advice hurts . I feel my family has been signaled out and I just am panicked.

[No-One]

Hi Because:
Welcome to the community.
I'm sorry that you are uncomfortable in your church environment.  Everyone should feel safe and nurtured by the church they attend. 

In what way is it a competitive climate?  Can you share some details?  Are the individuals that you have difficulty with staff members of the church (i.e. pastor, asst. pastor, etc.), volunteers in some capacity of authority or just other members?

each week I feel like another match has been lit and there advice hurts. I feel my family has been signaled out and I just am panicked.

Can you share some details about how you feel singled out and what is panicking you?  Why would you go back?

Is it possible for you to find a new church, where you can feel more comfortable and nurtured?  Whether it is interpretation of church doctrine, management style or personality issues, many people feel a need to change churches at some point in their life.  Churches change, the people involve change and sometimes a specific church quits being a good fit for your spiritual growth and personal needs.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story, when you are ready to share more.

[Kwamina]

Hi Because

I would like to join No-One in welcoming you to our online community and I'm also interested in hearing more about the things she asks you.

Growing up with a disordered parent isn't easy and many of our members are affected by this also in their adult lives. Could you tell us a bit more about your mother and the way she treated you?

... .each week I feel like another match has been lit and there advice hurts . I feel my family has been signaled out and I just am panicked.

I am sorry that your church currently is a place you no longer feel really comfortable. In what ways do you feel your family has been signaled out?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Turkish]

Because,

I'm not deeply involved in my church.  I follow some blogs which discuss some of what you are describing. So I'm aware of the dynamics of being ignored or invalidated by peers and leadership even, though I haven't experienced it like you are.  

I'm also curious about the "competitive climate." What's going on specifically? How is your mom narcissistic?

Turkish

[Because]

I really appreciated your responses I am finding it difficult to find my voice I am the oldest of 6 my mother had her favorite kids who were always her favorite the rest of us competed for her favor my sister and I never really able to succeed no matter what we did or how well we did it . These actions were things like never expressing joy with a gift from my dads mother, never enjoy a visit with another adult or be complemented in front of her by another, other times she would be flattered to be compared to me not really understanding that it was just silly flattery . One year she went with my sister( always favorite)and I to a church camp she was a chaperone she felt my sister needed her . I was considered a youth leader and had some amount of freedom with this I was enjoying myself laughing staying up late she kept telling me to take a nap I was 16 she just left in the night tent and all my sister was distressed I was embarrassed because I did know how to explain he actions to the others. The next day my father showed up during lunch threw my food on the floor in a cafeteria full of people demanded I leave with him he forced me to the car the long way home he refused to tell what i did he called me names made couldn’t believe what I did etc. To this day I don’t know what I did. When I got home some clothes my grandma had purchased me for my birthday day that I was saving for my sr. Pics were bleached my mother denied doing anything yet these cloths were put away when I left. I was lucky found a great guy great job and beautiful smart kids while my  siblings struggle with infertility, employment and divorce and all but me and the other unfavourite sister live within 10 miles of her in a very rural area 1 gas station.
I’m constantly told my kids are spoiled that her other grandchildren struggle at school because of the school. Like my kids can’t be smart because of there hardwork  which they are dispite challenges dyslixic,and autism. The entire family makes fun of my home I have a normal house nice sure luxurious no . My husband would be frustrated when house shopping and I wouldn’t get something because it was to nice fearing there lack of approval. Hope that might explain mom little  to no contact as of 5 years ago best choice for me freedom !

At church the people in charge will only be in charge for awhile they are chosen from the congregation there are many other positions even some for teens the ones in charge give out the other positions there are enough that all adult s and most teens have a position my teens are over looked so often that years pass without any of them having a position I have 5 kids just like any hierarchy some spots weld some power obviously Christ like use of power is the object complaining is looked down upon there only volunteers after all but the main guy for 2 years now seems to toy with my family makeing us wait rescheduling us for an interview only  he can give so that we can be eligible for othe opportunities outside his control. Lost $$ donations for over 6 months apologises then suggests it’s our fault I had a position I loved a friend of his wife wanted it so I was let go. My family is quiet and not very social we can’t complete in this environment where friends and people he hopes will help his business or talk supportively from the pulpit are give choice spots.We believe in this church the position s are prayed about and those who could benefit spiritually are given the spot I have been in this particular church my whole life though in different cities  and never seen or felt such an odd decline. I feel trapped ,don’t complain, forgive, support this person are my responsibility as a member and now that I struggle with this I’m supposed to pray for him. It feels like a life I worked hard to escape . My kids have even been bullied at school by these people there kids feeling powerful in there positions that they felt valid in asserting themselves over my children when I complained I was told I must not have the whole story. Let it go If you just go at another time or building then you can’t serve in a position at all.

This seems crazy long thank you for reading

[Kwamina]

Hi again Because

I hope you participating on these boards will help you not only find your voice, but make you voice grow louder and stronger

The next day my father showed up during lunch threw my food on the floor in a cafeteria full of people demanded I leave with him he forced me to the car the long way home he refused to tell what i did he called me names made couldn’t believe what I did etc. To this day I don’t know what I did. When I got home some clothes my grandma had purchased me for my birthday day that I was saving for my sr. Pics were bleached my mother denied doing anything yet these cloths were put away when I left.

I am very sorry this happend to you. Your mother might have been disordered, but it becomes clear from this example that your dad unfortunately also played quite a negative role during your childhood.

My kids have even been bullied at school by these people there kids feeling powerful in there positions that they felt valid in asserting themselves over my children when I complained I was told I must not have the whole story.

Your kids being bullied is not right at all. It seems like some people in your church might be in denial about some of the things that are going on or perhaps are deliberately looking the other way. Is the bullying of your children currently stil an issue, is it still taking place?

Do you feel like this church currently is a safe place for your family on an emotional and spiritual level?

Have you discussed your concerns with your husband and if you have, how does he feel about this church and everything that's been happening there?

[Because]

It has taken so long for me to admit to myself that my father played a role it wasn’t until I refused to go along with him after a big argument with my mom and some siblings really it was epic and it involved my children directly my husband and I refuse to visit anymore the silent treatment is there favorite but they fail to see I’m greatful for it I hope they never do. It took 2 years for them to realize I wasn’t coming back for more it has resulted in a total lack of communication between me and my siblings and parents i morn still some times but mostly I recognise the huge relief to not call in for the shameing to not deal with what I now see as unhealthy behavior I wish I had let them go long ago I let them come to my oldest graduation of course the act started up so this year as my 2nd prepares to graduate I have asked that they not come I feel guilt like I’m the mean one but also know that it was a brave and good decision after I made the decision I realized how much I was worried about that I’m now free of it has help seeing how my husband family loves each other and how my adult friends just love there kids and as they begin to marry the new spouses are accepted

There is this part of me that always fears that my parents are right that every choice I make is wrong that I really don’t understand

I blame myself and my poor boundaries for the current church situation I see from the questions you all have asked that I am in denial.I should take a break change climate s I see that while my kids are not currently bullied that it weighs on me

I wonder if it is possible to be apart of anything where is the line between leaving and being safe and just being alone and scared or tired of the fight

The search for peace continues thank you for this safe place to express feelings most can’t understand or worse use for there own purposes.

[Because]

Oh and husband is for sure we should take break from our current church community I feel more guilt about that am I setting a bad example maybe things are not as bad maybe it’s me then we go I end up in the hall unable to sit still in the pew considering getting back on anxiety meds just for church

I’m a mess writing this makes that clear step 1 I guess

[Kwamina]

Hi Because,

Well I'd say step 1 is the most important one of all because without it, we'll never arrive at the other steps

It might help to consider what Pete Walker who specializes in adults who've suffered childhood abuse, has written about fear and guilt:

"Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it."

"Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."

When you look back at your experiences with your parents, do you perhaps feel like they applied fear, obligation and guilt to wield power over you? If so, I also encourage you to take a look at our material about FOG:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

You can read more here:
Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

You mention boundaries in your post. Boundaries are definitely very important as they help us protect ourselves and preserve our own well-being. Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries, isn't necessarily something everyone's comfortable with though, especially when you grew up in an environment in which boundaries were not respected at all. We have resources here about boundaries that you might find helpful:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Boundaries - examples

[No-One]

Oh and husband is for sure we should take break from our current church community I feel more guilt about that am I setting a bad example maybe things are not as bad maybe it’s me then we go I end up in the hall unable to sit still in the pew considering getting back on anxiety meds just for church

The fact that you are considering taking anxiety meds to go to church sounds like a red flag that you need to recognize.  I view a church as a safe place, a bit of a respite, where you should feel supported and rejuvenated, after a visit.

I can certainly identify with wanting to stay with something you know.  Change can be stressful.  Sometimes, however, change is necessary. It sounds like your church isn't a good fit for you and your family. You don't have the power to change what's happening with the church administration, but you can choose to find a new church, where you can worship without conflict and bullying.

Perhaps, you and your husband could decide on a couple of alternate churches to visit.  You don't have to make a final decision to leave your current church right now.  Since you indicate no one in your family serves in any position at your current church, it should be a good opportunity to explore other options.

Explore some options.  Make a list of possible alternate churches.  Maybe, you visit an alternate church every other week (and attend your current church on alternate weeks).  I'm thinking you can soon find a new church, where you won't have to consider taking anti-anxiety meds in order to attend.

You don't need to feel guilty about changing churches.  Sounds like you discussed some issues with church administration, and tried to make things better for your family.  Think of it as a process similar to when you went NC, with your mom.  If you specific church is causing you extreme anxiety, it's time to find a replacement.

[Because]

Thank you all for your time and thoughtful replies