Struggling with all of this madness

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been apart from my ex for 4 weeks now, she did the classic switching with me and is now seeing me as all black after telling me I was her world and even a few days before I left telling me she loved me one minute but she felt smothered the next. I will admit I loved her hard and made her my world.

We had our 3rd child 5 years ago and when we had him she wanted to hibernate in the house whilst I went to work she did not want to go out with her friends and she did not want many people in the house. I went along with it and tbh it was nice for a while but I think we both lost who we were a little. She would get invited out with friends and I would tell her to go out it will do you good but she would always cancel last minute. She would always clean the house and be annoyed with herself if the carpets were not charmed twice in one day. I always told her to stop worrying about it and take some time for you. We would do everything as a family, walks, drives, she loved getting out of the house. I should have seen the red flags before as they were obvious but I was too wrapped up in a loving relationship with my little family that I did not take action. I knew about her issues she did speak about them normally when she was rage, depressed or drinking and i know her mum, dad and family and ther is a lot of mental health issues there. I can now see she was battling depression one minute and in a raging mood the next. Her mood swings would be everywhere at points and there were days that I would wonder who I was getting when I got home. When we first got together she kept telling me she did not deserve me and she couldn't believe it was all happening, she did not deserve to be this happy and lucky but she would then push me away emotionally and romantically. She would then pull me back in.

Before Christmas, she started going out with her new work friends who all work in metal health btw which I thought was great, but she then started coming home at 4 am vomiting in the bath and telling me she was a failure or calling me names even though I was there holding her hair or getting her into bed telling her it would be ok. Her friends are nice but I see clearly now most of them all have issues going on with relationships or substance abuse and I think this was feeding whatever she is trying to deal with. This happened several times and she then told me she was going to stop it and it was not her. We then spoke about us and how I was too controlling and that we had lost the spark, keep in mind I was the one that would text her or call her every day calling her beautiful or to smile because she made my sunshine. I would come in from work and hug her and give her a kiss ask her about her day. She would not really show much emotion towards me unless she really wanted something. Anyway it was like a light went on in both of us and the spark came back, we were all over each other making eyes and kissing passionately and the sex was amazing again it was like we had found ourselves again, I even booked us a hotel room in our town so we could get a night away from our kids and it was amazing until January of this year. She then piped up this is not working we have just slipped into this again, but she had also started going out again and staying out until 3-4-5 am. Now with this, I may be in denial but I do think she may have been seeing someone else. Then she kept saying she didn't know herself and she needs some time to find out who she was so she booked an air bnb for herself a little cottage, her mates ended up going and they got very drunk for one of the days in front of a 4-year-old may I add. She told me before she went she was not going to contact anyone unless it was an emergency, but she did contact me several times especially when her friends had left and she needed to talk to someone. When she came home on a Sunday we spoke and basically, she told me she didn't love me anymore although she was in tears and sobbing we spoke for a while. But I could not take the eggshells anymore the rejection and the drama. I kissed her on the head and told her everything would be ok in the end and left. It was the hardest thing I have ever done within a couple of hours she had switched and was as cold as ice to me and started with the abuse and the hate. Don't get me wrong I am no angel but I would never do anything or say anything to hurt her even now after her being vile to me I have not said a bad word. 

I am struggling at the moment she is moving out of my house this week to a new place so that I can start taking the kids 50/50 and get my own home back. She has been nothing but vile to me at points threatening for me to not see my kids and to take me to court, saying i was controlling and smothering her. I would have done anything to make her happy in fact I did, I now see that was wrong and I should have been a little more selfish at points captain hindsight eh. I had my kids over the weekend and after I dropped them off there was more drama with her. I feel as if I am breaking, I have been doing ok and trying to stay out of the darkness, this women and my kids are everything to me. I felt like I was in a dark hole last night and this morning and I would be better just turning out the light and be done with it. It is the first time I have felt so helpless since leaving. I have not been in contact with her about us we have not spoken about us just the kids. It is like she has just flipped a switch and I am evil and she hates every part of me. There are a thousand other things and times i could go into and a thousand other things that she has been through that have clearly left the scars deep inside her that she does not want to face or fix. I am hurting for her and for me and our kids at the moment really bad. I know it is all a process that she is doing without knowing and that a lot of it is a defence mechanism but it is not making it any easier right now. I will get there with time and focus on my little ones, I am going to get back to the gym as well once I get back into my house and also try and meet up with some of the friends that we cut out of our lives. I know it will be a long road and I will have days like these. Thank you for reading my incessant ramblings   

[Agentblu]

I have been apart from my ex for 4 weeks now, she did the classic switching with me and is now seeing me as all black after telling me I was her world and even a few days before I left telling me she loved me one minute but she felt smothered the next. I will admit I loved her hard and made her my world.

We had our 3rd child 5 years ago and when we had him she wanted to hibernate in the house whilst I went to work she did not want to go out with her friends and she did not want many people in the house. I went along with it and tbh it was nice for a while but I think we both lost who we were a little. She would get invited out with friends and I would tell her to go out it will do you good but she would always cancel last minute. She would always clean the house and be annoyed with herself if the carpets were not charmed twice in one day. I always told her to stop worrying about it and take some time for you. We would do everything as a family, walks, drives, she loved getting out of the house. I should have seen the red flags before as they were obvious but I was too wrapped up in a loving relationship with my little family that I did not take action. I knew about her issues she did speak about them normally when she was rage, depressed or drinking and i know her mum, dad and family and ther is a lot of mental health issues there. I can now see she was battling depression one minute and in a raging mood the next. Her mood swings would be everywhere at points and there were days that I would wonder who I was getting when I got home. When we first got together she kept telling me she did not deserve me and she couldn't believe it was all happening, she did not deserve to be this happy and lucky but she would then push me away emotionally and romantically. She would then pull me back in.

Before Christmas, she started going out with her new work friends who all work in metal health btw which I thought was great, but she then started coming home at 4 am vomiting in the bath and telling me she was a failure or calling me names even though I was there holding her hair or getting her into bed telling her it would be ok. Her friends are nice but I see clearly now most of them all have issues going on with relationships or substance abuse and I think this was feeding whatever she is trying to deal with. This happened several times and she then told me she was going to stop it and it was not her. We then spoke about us and how I was too controlling and that we had lost the spark, keep in mind I was the one that would text her or call her every day calling her beautiful or to smile because she made my sunshine. I would come in from work and hug her and give her a kiss ask her about her day. She would not really show much emotion towards me unless she really wanted something. Anyway it was like a light went on in both of us and the spark came back, we were all over each other making eyes and kissing passionately and the sex was amazing again it was like we had found ourselves again, I even booked us a hotel room in our town so we could get a night away from our kids and it was amazing until January of this year. She then piped up this is not working we have just slipped into this again, but she had also started going out again and staying out until 3-4-5 am. Now with this, I may be in denial but I do think she may have been seeing someone else. Then she kept saying she didn't know herself and she needs some time to find out who she was so she booked an air bnb for herself a little cottage, her mates ended up going and they got very drunk for one of the days in front of a 4-year-old may I add. She told me before she went she was not going to contact anyone unless it was an emergency, but she did contact me several times especially when her friends had left and she needed to talk to someone. When she came home on a Sunday we spoke and basically, she told me she didn't love me anymore although she was in tears and sobbing we spoke for a while. But I could not take the eggshells anymore the rejection and the drama. I kissed her on the head and told her everything would be ok in the end and left. It was the hardest thing I have ever done within a couple of hours she had switched and was as cold as ice to me and started with the abuse and the hate. Don't get me wrong I am no angel but I would never do anything or say anything to hurt her even now after her being vile to me I have not said a bad word. 

I am struggling at the moment she is moving out of my house this week to a new place so that I can start taking the kids 50/50 and get my own home back. She has been nothing but vile to me at points threatening for me to not see my kids and to take me to court, saying i was controlling and smothering her. I would have done anything to make her happy in fact I did, I now see that was wrong and I should have been a little more selfish at points captain hindsight eh. I had my kids over the weekend and after I dropped them off there was more drama with her. I feel as if I am breaking, I have been doing ok and trying to stay out of the darkness, this women and my kids are everything to me. I felt like I was in a dark hole last night and this morning and I would be better just turning out the light and be done with it. It is the first time I have felt so helpless since leaving. I have not been in contact with her about us we have not spoken about us just the kids. It is like she has just flipped a switch and I am evil and she hates every part of me. There are a thousand other things and times i could go into and a thousand other things that she has been through that have clearly left the scars deep inside her that she does not want to face or fix. I am hurting for her and for me and our kids at the moment really bad. I know it is all a process that she is doing without knowing and that a lot of it is a defence mechanism but it is not making it any easier right now. I will get there with time and focus on my little ones, I am going to get back to the gym as well once I get back into my house and also try and meet up with some of the friends that we cut out of our lives. I know it will be a long road and I will have days like these. Thank you for reading my incessant ramblings   

[Cromwell]

Thanks Agentblu

you will know her better than anyone else here and by the sounds of it you did well in the relationship.

I hope you got some relief by posting here and you know yourself about her condition. She has to paint you black to make the new guy look like a saviour.

ensure that in the midst of this very strong emotional cascade that you keep a pragmatic head on your shoulders and start some plans in place in case she does decide to take you to court, and prepare yourself for any foreseeable possible outcome. from what i have read on these boards. borderlines can be fans of litigation. not so much for any material gain but driven by a need to officially validate themselves that they won and were right in how they painted the other person black.

[Agentblu]

Thank you I already have a separation agreement in place concerning me having the kids 50/50 and paying for half of their things and also for her to pay half of some of the debt that I accumulated getting the things she wanted (stupid) this has been signed by both of us and a witness. We only got new carpets fitted in the house 2 months ago after her pushing for them. I will be making an appointment with my solicitor and making sure I am covered. I am trying my hardest to keep my head above water at the moment sleeping on a couch but still making it to work every day, today was the first day that I did not want to come in and just felt destroyed but I pushed myself. I am trying to see the light at the end and i know it will be a long process detaching from what has been my driving force but i will just try and concentrate on  my kids and me once i get back into my house things will be easier but i am dreading the first night in my house myself, luckily i will have my kids this weekend when i move back.

[Cromwell]

Thank you I already have a separation agreement in place concerning me having the kids 50/50 and paying for half of their things and also for her to pay half of some of the debt that I accumulated getting the things she wanted (stupid) this has been signed by both of us and a witness. We only got new carpets fitted in the house 2 months ago after her pushing for them. I will be making an appointment with my solicitor and making sure I am covered. I am trying my hardest to keep my head above water at the moment sleeping on a couch but still making it to work every day, today was the first day that I did not want to come inand j ust felt destroyed but I pushed myself. I am trying to see the light at the end and i know it will be a long process detaching from what has been my driving force but i will just try and concentrate on  my kids and me once i get back into my house things will be easier but i am dreading the first night in my house myself, luckily i will have my kids this weekend when i move back.

well done, i went through the same agony but with the advantage i guess of not having any dependents to support. i also found myself drained emotionally and physically and had to push myself into (new) work, which was difficult at first, but as time went on it was a welcome distraction. i lost everything at one point being with her, and it was the most tortorous time as my days were spent trying to solve all the practical problems but then having all that time free which ruminated about her. she was still in my life at that point and i really started to feel that this woman was going to completely destroy me. it helped me to persevere and start focusing on myself.

in contrast you sound like you have your priorities figured out.

one day at a time towards healing from this. 

[Agentblu]

Destruction is the right word, she has destroyed me and our family and it is the worst feeling there is. I can't help but worry about her and just hope she gets what she needs, I know if she ever does come out of her storm she will regret this decision. She said something to me that switched a light on, "I cant function in normality this is to normal for me, I function better in dysfunction" So it seems having a normal family life was too much for her and having a normal marriage and family routines just don't work for her or more to the point her head is not in the place to have normal.

I am lucky that I have someone at work that I have spoken things through with and she was the one that pointed out the BPD thing to me a few weeks ago since then I have been educating myself and everything makes more sense and I can stop blaming myself which has helped. My priorities have to be in the right place or I think I would have fallen apart by now. I am trying my best to focus but as you say one day at a time.

Thanks for your replies it helps to get things out on here strangely as I am quite a private person and don't have a large support network. 
 

[Cromwell]

Destruction is the right word, she has destroyed me and our family and it is the worst feeling there is. I can't help but worry about her and just hope she gets what she needs, I know if she ever does come out of her storm she will regret this decision. She said something to me that switched a light on, "I cant function in normality this is to normal for me, I function better in dysfunction" So it seems having a normal family life was too much for her and having a normal marriage and family routines just don't work for her or more to the point her head is not in the place to have normal.

I am lucky that I have someone at work that I have spoken things through with and she was the one that pointed out the BPD thing to me a few weeks ago since then I have been educating myself and everything makes more sense and I can stop blaming myself which has helped. My priorities have to be in the right place or I think I would have fallen apart by now. I am trying my best to focus but as you say one day at a time.

Thanks for your replies it helps to get things out on here strangely as I am quite a private person and don't have a large support network.  
 

even to have a large support network (that didnt get insidiously wiped out by our exs like mine systematically achieved - needed to be the absolute centerpiece of my life to feel in control). I found it difficult to get advice that actually helped, because things that work in normal relationships can have a correspondingly catastrophic outcome on a borderline. this is where this board was invaluable and im also a private person but i literally had no choice but to contribute to here, to make first of all an iota of sense of what was going on, to also get to the stage of healing from it.

the first paragraph is crystal clear about not being able to thrive without drama and chaos. the more stability I provided, the more stress it actually creates for them. they have a history of dysfunctional upbringing where quiet times were the prelude to anticipated drama. the stress comes from not knowing exactly when that drama would erupt, so instead has left the borderline being the one instead to control this drama making as an adult. they will be the ones who create a storm in a tea cup, rather than be what they were growing up, passive recepients.

the part where you worry about her is something that has been conditioned in to you, despite you finding yourself now in a position where you are in no position to help anyone but yourself (and your kids).

to get through this it is crucial that your own wellbeing is moved to the centre. perhaps it will also cause you to think about how things got to this stage in the first place, as I had discovered.

dont worry about her so much! borderlines are survivors but they achieve it by inducing this vulnerable feeling into the kind of person who will rescue and care take for them. it is one of the things they needed to learn just how to survive, and they are masterminds at it.