Overwhelmed by learning about BPD

[Queeny]

  I just learned a few days ago that my significant other of 7 years has BPD. My therapist gave me this information based on my descriptions of his behavior and recommended I read a "Stop walking on eggshells" which I immediately bought and started reading on my kindle (which is great so my BPD partner doesn't know what I'm reading). Everything is starting to make sense based on what I am learning about BPD and although it is very enlightening, I am also confused about whether I should feel hopeful or not. I do not think my BPD partner will accept this diagnosis or be willing to seek help, so where does that leave me? It's a lot to process. On the one hand I want to be compassionate and see if our relationship improves now that I have this information and can alter my own behavior and reactions, on the other hand I don't want to spend any more years walking on eggshells. I want to break free of the isolation and live my life, but I am terrified of losing him for the wrong reasons.

I look forward to learning from and contributing to this newly found community.
Thanks for listening,
Queeny

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Hi,

You are in the right place!

Welcome!

there is a lot to learn here.  Share, read,process.

I am learning more every day.  I saw that my part is I am co dependent.  Am learning about myself, choosing healthier ways, being patient and kind w myself and others, doing self care. 

When I get healthy, my world looks positive.

It's a journey for me, a thousand steps, many steps backwards... .

There is caring, wisdom, and kindness here.

Sincerely, juju

[zachira]

You are feeling conflicted, and losing hope for your relationship's future now that you realize that you partner likely has BPD, will not be willing to do anything to change, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells. You want to make the right decision, yet whatever you decide will be painful for both you and your partner. There are many people on this Board who have been in long term relationships with a borderline partner, who can relate to what you are going through. Some have decided to stay for the time being and hope things can get better, or decided to stay and accepted that their partner will never change,and others have left the relationship and grieved for a long time over the end of the relationship. Whatever you decide, we are here to support you and listen. You do not have to make any decisions right away. Weigh the pros and cons of what you would like to do, keep up posted about how you are doing, and let us know how we can help.

[Tattered Heart]

*Welcome*

Hi Queeny,

Congratulations on finding a name for what has been going on in your relationship. I know the feeling of relief and fear that come simultaneously. It's wonderful to know that there really is a serious problem, but then fearful knowing that there is no real cure.

Learning about BPD is a lot to take in. One of the first steps I took after hearing about it was to grieve. Grieve for all the hurt I had been through, thinking it was myself that was the problem. Grieve for the hopes I had for my relationship that may never come to fruition. Grieve for my H and what an uncurable mental illness was like for him. And then, I had to define my new normal. Knowing BPD what would "things are going good" look like to me?

This site can really help you begin working on new skills to stop making things worse. And in using those tools, you'll find your own voice in you relationship and from that you can start trying to find ways to find fulfillment in your relationship.

[StormySkies]

I came to the realization recently myself - after 20+ years of marriage.    I feel hopeful that I can use the tools here to make things better but I know he will always have this and that he is very, very unlikely to change.   

It also made me fell a little off-kilter to read/learn that a lot of what I was doing which felt intuitive to me was dead wrong.   

[Radcliff]

Queeny,

One important thing for you to know at this point in your journey is that BPD exists on a spectrum.  Severity varies from person to person.  The tools taught here work better for some couples than others.  Upon learning about BPD, it's best to dive into learning and support mode.  Read the books, read the tools on this sight, and get help and support from those on this site to practice the tools.  The site really comes in handy when it comes to making the coping tools work in real life.  It's one thing to read about them in a book, another thing to try and fail and succeed in real life.

Only after learning all you can learn, and practicing to get good at the tools, can you do a real assessment of where you are in the relationship and whether it has potential.

Let's find an example.  Can you tell us of a particular behavior you find the most distressing, or a particular tool you're interested in trying out?

WW

[Speck]

Welcome, Queeny!

 

I just wanted to join the others in welcoming you to the discussion forums. Mostly we are here because someone in our lives has behaviors that are characteristic of BPD. They haven't all been diagnosed with BPD, but it's the behaviors, and how we deal with them, that is important. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

Everything is starting to make sense based on what I am learning about BPD and although it is very enlightening, I am also confused about whether I should feel hopeful or not. I do not think my BPD partner will accept this diagnosis or be willing to seek help, so where does that leave me? It's a lot to process.

It sounds like you are having a really tough time. I'm sorry for that and glad you have found a place which can help you gain the answers that you seek. In what ways do you think can we help you? What behaviors is your significant other displaying that is causing you the most trouble? When you are ready, feel free to give us some sort of backstory, so that we can understand your situation better.

You will find a lot of people here to talk to, who will provide you with support and some good advice. Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstances similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[sladezy]

Hi,

I alittle bit further along after learning more about BPD. I'm still finding myself overwhelming will all the information there is available and struggling with weather it is manageable or too much. I'm separated from my partner, though know what I know now I have fleeting feelings of "what if I'd stayed. Im still in contact with her because of our children so learning as much as I can will help me either way. Just know you're not alone in this situation and there are some many lovely members here that can help and the tools are really great too. Take it all in at your own pace. I struggle wanting to know everything at once and how over obsessed at times like cramming for an exam. Look after yourself and take some time to look after yourself while you're learning.