What to do about BPD mum’s birthday

[Zara]

Hi,

Wonder if anyone has any advice. It’s my mum’s birthday soon and not sure how to handle it. She is in a period of giving me the silent treatment. She gave my husband a card and a birthday present for his birthday last week and gave kids Easter presents through my Dad. My husband and kids will have to give her something which I will sort out. It’s mainly the card I’m worried about. Feels cruel to sign it from husband and kids without my name but don’t want to open up communication by putting my name on it because she might feel she has to say thanks. I didn’t get her anything for mother’s Day. Not sure if just getting a Gran card might be a solution but then it’s as if my husband hasn’t got her a card. I know this is trivial but know it will be analysed what I do and want to do the right thing. Wondered if anyone else has been in this position? Thanks

[baylady]

These situations are always tough aren't they?  What would give you the most peace?  If you don't sign a card, is she going to use that to make herself look like a victim?  If so, is that something you can deal with?  If you do sign a card, you know best what sort of reaction you may get.  What is the worst that can happen if you do sign a card and she thanks you?  Can you say, "You're welcome," and leave it at that?  Damned if you do and damned if you don't probably.  My BPD is my sister, but my mom sometimes exhibits traits (me too probably).  I called her one time after my daughter's wedding to talk about the wedding.  I was so happy and pleased that it all turned out so well, and people had a good time.  The wedding was absolutely beautiful, and my daughter was so happy.  I mistakenly thought my mom would be happy about this.  But no, I barely said hello before she launched into me about what a horrible time she and my dad had at the reception.  They hated the music (great 10-piece band).  She did say that the wedding itself was "nice."  I managed to change the subject, and we had further conversation, but I was so angry I didn't call her again for weeks.  In fact, I didn't call them on their 60th wedding anniversary two weeks later.  Was that the right decision?  Hell if I know, but I do know I couldn't talk to her again for quite a while without losing my cool.  So I get where you are coming from.  Sometimes we just need a break.   

[Harri]

Hi Zara.  I think baylady is correct in saying do whatever will give you the greatest peace.  I also agree that this is a no win situation and the only thing to do is to change things up and stop letting her reactions define what you do.  For example, if you decide sending her a card is the best thing for you (that you feel comfortable with) then send it.  Her expectations or belief that a card opens the door to more communication than that is her expectation.  you do not need to follow it.  Another example:  Send a card from your husband and kids only.  If she gets upset, and chances are she will regardless, she gets upset.  If you feel the right thing to do for yourself is to not sign a card, then don't.

I finally got tired of being raged at no matter what I did come holiday and birthday times so I stopped all gifts and cards to her and simply offered a 'happy holiday' verbal greeting if we happened to be together.  That was what was best for me in my situation.  It was painful and hard for me because it went against everything I ever did or was taught to do, but I realized the only way to 'win' in a no win situation was to change the rules and do things my way.

So often we twist ourselves all up inside trying to please them that we end up hurting ourselves and losing our peace.  We are worth far more than that.

[Zara]

Thanks for thinking about it, appreciated.

You are both right I need to think about things from my perspective not hers otherwise I’m continuing to put her feelings before mine which I am trying to stop doing. It’s a habit I’m in of always looking at things from her perspective to try to keep the peace rather than think about what brings me peace like you both said.

The point made about expectations in general is something I’m going to think about as we can not control other people’s expectations.

Thanks again x

[CollectedChaos]

Hi Zara!

These situations are so tough.  Before going NC this last time with my uBPD mom, we went through several periods of low/no contact, and I was in a similar situation when it came to holidays.  At first, I sent a card anyway (even if we were not talking) thinking it was better than doing nothing at all, but it always backfired.  The card was never enough, and she always found something to be upset about.  If I sent a gift, she'd find something to be upset about too, so there wasn't a scenario where I was going to stop that reaction. 

Ultimately, I stopped sending cards altogether and I feel better about it, surprisingly.  Back when I would still send cards/gifts, I always felt weird about it.  Like, I barely have a relationship with this person anymore but I'm still going through the motions of sending something - no positive emotion behind it, just complete FOG.  I was surprised at first when I actually felt relief from NOT sending her something, but it makes sense.  When I was sending something to her, it wasn't for my benefit, or even her benefit since all it did was stir up drama.  It was an attempt to keep the peace and tiptoe around a situation that I didn't want to be a part of in the first place.  By simply not starting that chain at all, I don't have to worry about any of that.

With some time (and possibly some trial and error), you'll figure out what you feel most comfortable with.  Ultimately, that's what you should focus on - none of the FOG.  Gifts are supposed to be happy, positive things - not full of drama and strings attached.

[Zara]

Your right it is about the FOG and beginning the chain. I feel like I’m dreading possible chain situations but starting to think about it a bit differently after what you guys  have said as there should be positive emotions behind things.

[CollectedChaos]

I think after growing up the way we did, we don't often think about the real reason behind basic things like gift giving.  It's supposed to be joyful and heart-warming to give someone a gift.  You shouldn't give a gift with the expectation and anticipation that they are going to find something wrong with it, be mad at you, or expect a hundred other little things because of it!   But that was what I always expected, and it took a long time for me to see how unhealthy that is and even longer to finally stop participating in that madness.  I think it's great that you're looking deeper into it and working towards a decision you can be happy with, and not just doing what is expected of you because that's the status quo.  It'll be worth it for your own mental health in the end 

[Zara]

Participating in the madness is exactly what it is. In a way it’s a bit like a spoiled child in an adults body. Thanks.

[Fie]

Hello Zara,

I'm sorry you are finding yourself in such a distressing situation.
I absolutely agree with the others, in that you should ask yourself : 'what do I want'?
I don't know about you, but I tend to overanalyze things. I would wonder : what happens if I do X, what happens if I do Y, ... .
My (ex)therapist has taught me I should *feel* more. More of 'what do I feel is the right thing to do now, for *me*'. 
As we all know, for BPD it's oftentimes not ok, whether you do X or Y.

So how do you feel about everything ? Do you feel like giving your mum something ? Or do you feel like not doing anything, since she initiated the silent treatment ?

Further, I don't know your family dynamics, but this :

My husband and kids will have to give her something

Why do they have to do that ? It's your mum ... .? who initiated the silent treatment ... .You as well as your husband and children all risk to end up on a giant drama triangle with your mum like this I'm afraid... Personally I would choose to form one front, at least with my partner.

[Zara]

I feel like I need to get a card from the kids as she gets them things. She speaks to my husband because she sees the kids through him. She has just bought a gift and card for him for his birthday. She wouldn’t ignore me if I spoke to her but I would need to speak to her. I don’t want to because it’s a power thing she has done for years. If I say I’m not happy about something she stops talking to me unless I speak to her. I feel it is reinforcing the bad behaviour if I was to speak to her and this time is different because I’m not craving contact I actually don’t want to speak to her because I have had enough and can see things more clearly. I used to just speak to her because I think it’s silly/immature not talking life’s too short and all that. I’m not particularly stubborn but I’ve started to feel I’m losing a bit of myself every time I just start to speak again and sometimes she can be a bit  frosty sometimes ok. I might get my husband to write the card because he feels he has to get something from the kids. He could sign it from everyone.

[Fie]

I feel like I need to get a card from the kids as she gets them things.

When you are saying that you 'feel you need' to get a card;  do you feel this out of love ?

Or out of Fear ? Obligation ? Guilt ?

[Zara]

I feel like I don’t want to be hurtful when it’s someones birthday . My husband just wants to, to do the right thing but he will take my lead. This is probably a very small thing that I am anxious about compared to other people’s difficulites and things I have dealt with in the past but it feels significant when it probably shouldn’t .

[Fie]

This is probably a very small thing that I am anxious about compared to other people’s difficulites and things I have dealt with in the past but it feels significant when it probably shouldn’t .

It's not something small. It is significant and it would be for me, too.

It is significant because by buying a gift you seem to be crossing your own (healthy) boundaries. It seems like your gut is trying to tell you 'hey, wait a minute, there is something wrong here. Someone is giving me the ST and still I am buying gifts. What the heck ?'

I agree with what CollectedChaos said here :

I think it's great that you're looking deeper into it and working towards a decision you can be happy with, and not just doing what is expected of you because that's the status quo.  It'll be worth it for your own mental health in the end

[Zara]

Thanks for the advice. I have decided I am not going to buy her a gift because it doesn’t sit well with me. They way she has been acting about recent gifts has been really annoying me any way. She is becoming more ungrateful with gifts that I have spent a lot of time and effort thinking about and have been expensive. Feel like it has got worse as she has got older or I have noticed it more.